Let me see, last night killed me. We finalized the grave stone for John. I couldn't believe it. It made it final. He really is gone...forever. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I couldn't get his beautiful face, his wonderful smile, his gentleness out of my mind. I miss him. I want to be with him.
I woke with such a feeling of dread. I didn't want to get out of bed. If it were not for the kids I would have stayed there....forever. Not facing the world, the work, anything. I am just tired of it all. I don't want to do it anymore! Yes, but I know I have to.
Then, I had to go to Kingfisher again tonight. Remember that was where the golf course was that I went to with John. The baseball field is right north of it. I knew it all day long and dreaded it. Furthermore, I knew I was going to have to go by myself. I prayed for rain all day. We got sunshine. That wasn't funny Lord. Having, firt to go to the game by myself, then sit by myself, and look over and see the course. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there.
I talked to Hannah on the phone on the way to Kingfisher. Finally got some information from her. It hurts me. I don't know what to do about it. But, I had taken Rach over to grams, so she could take her to practice while I was at Isaacs game. So, Hannah called to see where we all were. When I told her she said that she would just go someplace with her friends. I suggested that she go spend time with Rach and grams because we never see her. She started to cry and said she didn't like being home because it reminded her too much of daddy. She said, it made her sick to be home. She said, it just seems sad when we are all here. She likes to be with her friends because they are always laughing.
I explained to her that we have all gotten better. That it isn't like that anymore. I told her that she has to give us a chance. Then I told her that she couldn't avoid us, or our home forever. She said, "Yes, I can." I told her that if she thought that was the answer that I would need to get her some help. That yes, that is normal grieving....to not like to come home. But to expect to do it forever, and not let it out, that was not healthy.
She was crying by then. I didn't know what to say to her. But, now I know. I told her that we all missed her. That we wanted her to be with us. She said, she just couldn't. It just made her sick to be with us and be home without daddy.
I am worn out. It isn't hard enough to get everyone where they need to be, and want to be there with them. But now, I need to find help for Hannah. I am worried. She is definitely holding her feelings in.
I am starting to dread waking up. I dread after school. It seems my mind never quits nor does my body. I am going 100%^ all the time. I don't think I can do it much longer. The Lord needs to come and get me, or I need to go to him.
Matthew is doing great. He has been so helpful. Isaac and I were arguing a little about studying and he quietly and calmly came out and settled the argument! Kind of tickled me. But, I still pray that he would crave God's word. He is so smart that I believe once he starts reading it will be amazing what he discovers, and how God can speak to him through it.
Pray for Hannah. Pray that she somehow finds a way to let go. Help her to deeal with John's passing in a healthy way. I am so thankful for her friends though. I don't know what she would have done if she didn['t have them. But, I am praying that God use them to help her. I think also, if she would begin to search her heart and look for God that she would find out that he can take that pain away.
Pray for Isaac. He sure misses John during this baseball season. He just sat quietly all the way home from his game. I wanted so badly to ask him what he was thinking, but I was afraid of the answer, Pray that the Lord would give him and obediant spirit and heart,
Pray for Rach. Tonight when she got home from Softball practice I went to find her and she was just sitting on her bed....just sitting there. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Just thinking". But about what she wouldn't say.
It's funny. I am the talker....obviously......John was the one that kept things inside......so do each of the kids. How ironic.
Just pray for us.
I'm tired. I am weary. I want to quit, but know I can't. There is so much I want to do. But I am so busy with the kids I can't find time for even myself. Is that selfish? I don't know. But, I can't do this alone...and right now I feel like I am.
Pat, I just wanted to tell you thank you. You are a faithful reader of my blog and I so appreciate it. I know you are praying and appreciate that also. Keep praying.
Well, it is 9:41. I have 2 more loads of laundry, and 3 lunches to pack. I would love to sweep my house...it needs it so bad...but the laundry and lunches are more important at this point. The sweeping will have to wait....yet another day.
Maybe God will come and take us all home tonight...then who cares what gets done!!!!!!
Also....don't forget our baby Emma. I don't understand it all enough to explain what is going on with her. But the poor baby needs prayer. She needs God's healing touch. ( I find that very hard to ask for or even say since I have been there..done that....and it didin't do anything)..but if you have any faith...pray for her healing.