Friday 26, 2010

Bekah, you made me smile. You know he used to say that to our kids here too!!! He was such a jokester. I am glad that he can still bring a smile to your face. And I hope he can in the years to come.

Well, its been an up and down week for me. I told Sallye, it seems just when you feel like your making some headway.....you find yourself falling. That happened to me several times this week.

Course, you know about Rachel's birthday. That was hard. So hard. It is hard to do things as a family when you don't quite feel like a family. And I just can't even think of what to buy Rachel. John always had such great ideas. I just have tomorrow (Saturday) and then I'm out of luck. I miss him so much.

And, let me just say before I say what I am about to say....could be very embarrassing to me. But, you know, I'm not embarrassed because I bring it to your attention because you are my prayer warriors. You are my friends that haven't left me after 3 months because you have forgotten me, you are my hope.

I was served with a summons to appear in court. Now, I can't go into details...not because I don't want to, but because I don't understand it all. My attorney is working on it for me, but I am just beside myself. I pretty much cried all day today. In fact, one kid asked, "Mrs. Griffis are you okay?" I said, "No, I have been crying." He said, "Oh, I am sorry. It looked like you had a cold. But I am sorry you feel bad." I wish I could tell you more so you would know how to pray....but, I know you don't have to know the particulars....just that we need to pray for God's intervention. Pray for the wisdom of my attorney. Pray for me....that I will continue to give it to the Lord and not hold onto it.

Isaac is doing so much better. He has his moments, but isn't that every kid at his age? He is being more amicable with me. More respectable. Working harder at school. I think I told you that we had the opportunity to talk about giving our hearts to Jesus. I believe he is trying to comprehend that.

I still feel sad for him regarding sports. Daddy was always his team mate. They played together...every sport...whatever the season...they were outside. I hardly can stand to see him playing his ps3, watching t.v., or just sitting. Because Isaac was never like that. He was outside playing...and usually with John. I can't stand it.

I was at Jay and Marilyn's tonight. Rach had a birthday party to go to, Matthew was with friends, it was just me and Isaac. Gramps took Isaac somewhere so it was just Dawn, Marilyn and myself. We had been wanting to get together without the kids to look at headstones. Of course....it nearly killed us. I could hardly talk. Pray for us as we continue to do this.

I wanted to thank the Clines. They used to live across the street from us many years ago. They sold their house to the Crooks. Anyway, we have not seen nor heard from them since that time. Though, we enjoyed each others company very much.

But Melissa, who evidently had read my blog called to say that they had a full size frame, box springs, and mattress that they would like to give to me. So, I have my smaller bed. We are hoping that it fits on my queen head board and footboard. But, I just appreciated it so much. It was a prayer that Jeff, Sallye and I had been praying for. God knew how much I needed it.

I do miss John so much. When things happen, at school, with a kid, parent, etc...the first thing I want to do is text John and tell him. You can't know the times I have started texting him. I love him so much. We had such a wonderful future together. As we were looking at the headstones...I just wanted to cry out to the Lord "WHY???" But, I know I will probably never have the answer....but God will be glorified through it.

I am definitely learning to lean more and more on him. I am learning that that is what he wants. He wants me to lean on him only. Not on Jeff and Sallye, (though they hold me up most of the time), not through this blog (that lets me rant and rave, or just talk), but wholly on Him. And why I question Him, why I can't just relax, I don't know. He has been faithful.

There are so many of you to thank. I am trying to get my thank yous out every chance I get. It seems I just get caught up and then God sends angels to help me again. But....please....each of you...know that I appreciate every word you say, every thought, every prayer, and every kind of help that you have given me. I want to hug you and tell you how much I love you.

You know...that is something I have discovered. How my eyes have changed. I see things so differently now. Different things. Others pain, becomes my pain. The Bumpus family, I can barely think of it. But it doesn't have to be in death that I feel pain for others. It is that child that I know is going hungry, or the person that has had a wrong done to them. I think God is teaching me see people from His eyes now. My life has changed. It has changed dramatically.

My life, my children's life. We will never be the same. Our outlook on life is different. I told God the other morning in devotions....I don't think I will ever be able to accept John's death....but I can thank God for how he has used it to help me become more and more like Him everyday. Sometimes....change CAN be good. But you have to be willing to let it happen. I didn't have a choice, then, but I have accepted that I am changing and I am ready and willing to change according to His purpose for my life now. Whatever it may be.

Pray for us this weekend as we celebrate Rachel's birthday as our family always did on the week of that persons birthday. So it will be this Sunday. How awful. Sundays are my worst, I am celebrating my baby's birthday without her daddy. How much more pain can a person handle in a day? I just want it to be a happy day for her. Pray that I can at least do that.

I hate weekends. I hate them. I would rather crawl in bed on Friday night and Sleep until Monday mornings.

God, I miss John. Please fill that empty space that I am feeling tonight. Lord, how I need you tonight. I feel alone.....

Saundra

urs. February 25, 2010

Another of those dreaded days. I know everyone says there has to be a first, but the firsts are the things I want to run from.

Today is Rachel's birthday. I almost think she is dreading it! She would tell everyone what she wanted...naturally...but she would not plan a party. I put it off and put it off till I couldn't anymore. finally, I asked her what she wanted to do, she didn't know, then I asked her if she wanted to wait until next week to celebrate with her friends.

All kinds of excuses and reasons for this I can come up with: she just doesn't want to celebrate with out daddy, or the house...being under construction is a mess, I am still sleeping with her....I don't know. The last time she had a friend come over...the first since....I slept on the couch and she came out and said she was sorry I had to sleep on the couch.

So, just pray for my little Rach. It just seems that she has a lot on her little mind for as Young as she is.

This weekend is the Middle School Banquet. She will be preforming in it. I hope you will get to see her. She is precious.

I have shed many tears over my relationship with Isaac. We get along pretty well, until studying time or he wants something. Natural I know that is what most of you are saying. But this week was the last straw. I just cant take the anger between him and I . He can become so hateful. We were trying to study and he and I just argued. About what was to be studied....etc. It ended in both of us in tears. One thing I have always been careful about is to never let any of my kids go to sleep angry or sad...that between us is nothing but good. But I couldn't deal with him that night anymore.

But, as I was walking by his bedroom, there stood Matthew talking....brother to brother with him. I don't know all that was said....but I pray that my pain....turns into their gain as far as brothers and closeness goes.

Yesterday morning as Isaac was waiting for Gramps to come and get him for baseball practice he came in and sat down on the couch as I was reading my devotions. I closed my books and shared with him how I felt. I told him how Matthew has a change of heart....how I have had a change of heart...and that I felt like he needed a change of heart. He acknowledged that he did. But I asked him why he was so angry with me. He told me he wasn't angry at me. I asked him, then what was bothering him? He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I miss daddy". Oh, we both cried. He said, he doesn't have anyone. He wants someone that will play catch with him, basketball with him.....etc...and daddy isn't there after school to do those things. They used to play catch or basketball before dinner most every night.

He said he loved Jeff...Jeff has become like a big brother....no a father figure to Isaac. He tries to talk with him when there is trouble and direct him. And he said he loved Jeff....but he missed his daddy. It broke my heart. He has been holding that in. Wanting to tell someone I am sure.

Our battle now is an airsoft gun that he found online. The boys down the street have one and ask him to come play with them. But his is not as powerful, so he said he just gets pounded! Ha! Anyway, he wants to buy one with his own money...which technically I can't keep him from that. But I just hate for him to buy it. So we are going round and round about that. Just pray for him and I.

Everything is starting to become more routine for me. I still sometime breakdown because it seems so unfair. And I am tired. Running here and there. Doing this and that for the kids...I feel like sometimes I can't take another step. I am realizing all the things that John did. Ladies....thank your husband for those things....they carry big loads.

Sometimes, I just have to say aloud, "I miss you Honey". I have to say it. I hate the thought that "things will never be the same", that we have to "become new and different in everyway". But we are doing our best.

Keep praying for us. Pray for the Bumpus family. I can't help. It is too raw yet. But my prayers are with them. I hope they lean on God and those that he places in their paths. Don't be too proud to take that help.. God put them there for a reason

.Pray for our peace, that God will continue to walk me.....one step at a time.

Love to you all....
Saundra

Jenna...the bedroom is Wisteria (dark lavender) with black and white and grey accents.

February 22, 2010

Wasn't Jason's message so wonderful yesterday? I gained so much from that! God, through Jason, reached into the depths of my soul and spoke to me.

As my faithful readers you know Sunday is the hardest day of the week for me. I would rather stay in bed. But, I know that that isn't what God wants, it wouldn't be what John would want...and it definitely isn't a good example for the kids. But, I was so glad that I went.

Sunday School was just as awesome. I believe in my heart that God is speaking through Dave. I sense the spirit in him. He is spirit led. That is why I am so anxious to go to Sunday School to see what God has given Dave to teach me....that I can be more like my Father.

Well, my bedroom is almost finished. You can begin praying. The floor is in, and the paint done. The paint is beautiful! Beautiful! As I said before, some ladies from the school said that they wanted to redo my bedroom from bottom to top. I told them that as soon as it was painted they could. So, it is just a matter of getting hold of them. I love it!

I just send out thank yous and love to all the men that showed up and helped Jeff Saturday. Thanks so much for what you are doing for me and the kids. When I walked into the bedroom the first time after it was painted I couldn't believe the calm that I felt. God was there.

I still can't sleep in there. It isn't completely finished as I said. And, I am not sure I want to sleep in that queen bed by myself. Doesn't that sound big for one person? I am actually scared of being so lonely that I can't sleep in there. So, if you know of anyone that has a full mattress....I would love to hear from them. It just makes me feel better ...I can't explain it.

My bathroom has the new floor in and the primer on the wall. It won't be long till that is finished also. Then it is onto the boys bathroom. It really needs to be redone. It is kind of gross!!!!

The kids are okay. Rach has been sick for the last 3 days. She stayed home from school today and I took her to the dr. No strep which is what I was worried about. So he ordered antibiotic and rest!

I started Hannah on some vitamins (against her will). I hope to see some progress and strength from her.


Matthew is beyond words. He has changed and matured so much. God is changing him one day at a time. It is incredible! And what a help at home.

I am not going to ask much in prayer today.....my heart is very heavy for the Bumpus family. It saddens me deeply and I feel they need prayers. You know what my prayer requests are...they hardly ever change. But we need to pray for God to be close to that family. To show compassion, and to comfort them as only he can.

I love you all. Keep in touch.
Love,
Saundra

Feb. 20, 2010 Sat. a.m

Well, a new day dawns.

Yesterday was hard. So hard. I think this was the first day where I just didn't care that the kids saw me cry. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. If I didn't let them see me cry and hurt, I would have had to leave school. It was pretty much all day.

I left home crying. I gave Matthew his letter from john, that I had found. Then had to leave. I didn't really want to be there when he read it. I don't know how he reacted when he read it, or how he felt. You know he doesn't share much of his feeling with me. But I hope it encouraged him some, to know how much his dad loved him and believed in him.

Then I got to school and still could not contain myself. I just cried. I shut myself in Mrs. Benda's room before school started and just let it come. Bekki walked in unexpectedly and right away she empathized with me. Trying to comfort me. I think the reason it poured in there was because I had returned a book that she had got for John and I ...."His Needs, Her Needs" ..I returned it to her because I thought, "I will never need it, WE will never need it. It just killed me to think that.

Then I went to Mrs. Adams room to teach for a little bit while she was gone for a while. I was still weak with tears, weak with strength. I got their attention (all 6th graders) and was honest with them. As I cried I told them that I was having a bad day and that I couldn't talk or teach. And I told them that I was going to stay in there, but I was going to let the aid handle the class. She did a great job, the kids were awesome. They sat quietly, respecting my needs. Margaret Ann did come back and we went into her office and I shared with her what had happened, how I was feeling. She hugged me and held me. Just held me.

As I left her room I was still crying. Yes, there were kids in the hall. Yes, they saw me crying. But I could not control the tears. Just could not.

I went to my next assigned room, which Bekki was in. By then, I think the word had gotten around to the the teachers that it wasn't a good day for me. Mrs. Wetwiska brought me a coffee...and I sensed her love and mercy as she handed it to me. I sensed a love from Bekki that moved me. I could tell she felt for me.

The rest of the day was similar to that. If one person asked me how I was I would cry.

I could not wait to get home. I did, climbed in my recliner, pulled a blanket up close and cried. Then began to relax and sleep. After I have cried that much I am just emotionally drained. Sallye showed up unexpectedly and I was able to pour my feelings out, and let the tears roll. By the time she left I was feeling better.

I took the boys (Hannah was at the school preparing for the game, Rach was with a friend) and we went to Quedoba and ate. It was nice to be with them. We laughed some. But there is always something....someone missing. I know we all sense it, but we never mention it....probably too afraid we will have a crying fest.

Went to the game. Jay and Marilyn and Sallye and Jeff met us there. Sallye just has a way of making me laugh. And we laughed the whole night.

Came home...Isaac had Brady spend the night, Rach had Morgan spend the night. I slept on the couch. It just was all so wrong. There was so much missing. No one will ever know.

In my devotions this morning...the Lord showed me three words over and over. COMPASSION: He has compassion on me. He knows my heart..He feels my pain. He knows. COMFORT: He will comfort me. He has a lot of practice in that. PEACE: He will give me peace.

While I do feel better this morning. I still hurt in an unexplainable way. But I am thankful that God knows my heart. He knows my needs. And he makes promises as he did above. I...it is my job, to trust those words. That is what you can pray for. That I will trust His word and I will see these promises come to pass.

Pray for Rach...and me. Her birthday is next week. It is so hard for me to plan things. John used to help in such a big way with this stuff. So, it is really hard for me. My mind gets mixed up, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. I try to do what she wants to do...especially for this birthday. I want it to be so special. But I don't know how. John always knew how to make their birthdays special. He was so good with the kids. So pray that I find wisdom, a sound mind, and ideas...and strength to do what she wants to do.

Pray for Matthew. He seems to have found a girl he likes. Yes, Jeff Lyles daughter. I laugh. I knew John is too. As Jeff and John were best friends. But, I want him to take it slow. I don't know if that is in his vocabulary. Oh, i love her. But, he gives his feelings away so quickly....pray for God's guidance in this. He is also going up to play golf at Roman Nose today. So, I will worry all day. Pray for his protection on the road...and where ever he may be. Also, he is starting to qualify again for a tournament. Pray that the coach find favor with him this time. Pray that God be with his hands, his arms, his eyes and his mind as he golfs...that the best will come from him.

Be with Hannah. I have had so many of you mention iron. I am going to start her on an iron supplement. I know John had to take them as well as myself. So, I can't wait to get her started on them. I found out that Friday she got permission from one of her teachers....they weren't doing anything in the class because of computer break down...that she got permission to go sleep in the locker room!! I didn't mind that only that that is so much sleep for her! She came home and pretty much, after I asked her to do a few things....went straight to bed. So pray that she begin to have strength and I have wisdom.

Pray for Isaac. I thick I said yesterday that I dint know how to pray for him. He has a heart need, a heart change. Pray that God will change his heart. He has been sick Mon - Wed. So he has missed a ton of work. Pray that he will get caught up with his work.'

Pray for my Rach. Pray, that as her heart is already tender that God begin His work in her. That she will begin to understand His ways. And that she will be drawn to his will.

Pray for all of us today. That we will receive safety, peace, strength and wisdom from our Father.

Love to you all,
Saundra

February 19, 2010

Well its been 3 months since I lost the love of my life. My help mate. My best friend. And I am feeling the pain tremendously today.

I woke with the "tear" in my heart today. It just seems to become bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. I asked God how long, Lord, how long must i endure? Again..if it weren't for my precious children he has given me. Yes, I am in the midst of that surprise tidal wave that I have heard so much about. How much longer Lord.

He reminds me of all He has done...He reminds me He is carries me, but I hurt so badly it just wont go away.

He is gone.

As I said in the last blog, last night I was moving things from the bedroom so that they can come in and lay some flooring. So I began doing that as soon as I was out of school yesterday. You know...how we put things in nook and crannies. Well, I found some of John's nook and crannies. And I cried. I found cards, meant for me....unsigned...his stash as he would say it. I found cards to me from him...signed with such loving thoughts and such great love. I found poems written to me.

Not many people know that John and I went through a difficult time in our marriage about last January. But, we renewed our love. It was as if we were newlyweds again. But, it took time. I found books that we had read together. Promises we had made to one another. Then I found the book that went with that movie ...I can't remember the name now...but it was a big christian movie about a marriage about to break up.....and he found the Lord.....Well, John's mom bought that for us for our last anniversary. And we were reading it. It is still marked in the last page we read together.

I ask again...not looking for an answer...because I know there isn't one...but why?

I love him this day as I loved him the last day I saw him. I love him.

This morning in devotions....I want to share....I know there is help in it. It has strengthened me....though I am in tears...naturally...I find hope in these words. This is from the book "Jesus Calling".

You are feeling weighted down by a plethora of problems...big and small. When the difficulties in your life feel as if they are closing in on you, break free by spending quality time with me. You need to remember who I AM in all My Power and Glory. Then, humbly bring Me your prayers and petitions. Your problems will pale when you view them in the Light of My Presence. You can learn to be joyful in Me, Your Savior, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES. RELY ON ME, YOUR STRENGTH; I MAKE YOUR FEET LIKE THE FEET OF A DEER, ENABLING YOU TO GO ON THE HEIGHTS.

He has new heights for me to go.....he will enable me to go. As I feel today...I don't want to. I want to quit.... I want to give in. I don't want to climb anymore. I am tired.

Then I read this in Habakkuk 3:17-19...Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength, he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

It was there again. He will enable me. I don't see how....as I look at where I am. I am tired of the only one to make decisions for my kids, I am tired of the being the mean one, I am tired of being the head of the household.

I am tired of putting on a happy face, when all I feel is pain and hurt and sadness. But, because of the kids at school, and because of my children I lie to all of them, to myself. I am not happy. I am sad.

But, as David is teaching in Sunday School...in this circumstance...I am becoming more like Him. He is changing me. Though it is painful, though I don't understand...I must go on...whether I want to or not.

Pray for me.
Pray for my kids.
Pray for Peace.

Not by might
Not by power
but by my spirit says the Lord.

Don't know how long I have to hang on,
but when My power comes in...you will live.

These mountains will be removed,
I will build my temple in you
and what I promise shall be done,

Not by might
Not by power
but by my Spirit says the Lord.

(I didn't plan to type that...but that song came on as I was typing....and I just had to see the words)


Pray......
Pray for me today.

Saundra

Thurs. February 18, 2010

Wow, I feel so put to shame. You have all been so faithful in reading my blog and I have let you down. Isaac has been sick, I didn't feel good one evening.....so I just haven't had time to sit down and talk with you. You are my friends, and I feel like I have let you down. I will try to do better.

Things have been alright here. Yesterday was not a good day. It is funny how I can see the Lord working but at the same time I see the enemy trying to defeat me.

I woke yesterday with a longing for John. I missed him so much. But I did my devotions, and prayed about it, talked to God about it, and yep....even read about it! And I told Sallye that by the time I left my "prayer chair" I was calm, and peaceful. Then I went to school and someone said something to me that I know was meant for good, but just set me way back....I mean way back. So that set the tone for my day. I was downcast. (you know when I used to read that in the Psalms about David....that he was downcast, I didn't really know what he meant....I do now)...so I was sitting at lunch and I get a text from David. He tells me that from a hospital bill that was $160,000, I only have to end up paying 417.50. Praise the Lord! That is something I was worried about. I told Sallye...when am I going to learn that God always goes ahead of my worries!!!!!

Then I came home and dreaded, just dreaded fixing dinner....put in some premade macaroni dish...then the only one that ate with me...in the living room, was Matthew. I just felt like a looser of a mom. Defeated again.

Then later in the evening Sallye and Jeff show up with flooring for the girls bathroom. We are going to change the back bathroom to the girls (that includes me), and the front to the boys, since that is where our bedrooms are closer to. I was thrilled.

Then they began to talk about flooring for the bedroom. It was a moment of mixed emotions for me. Rachel's birthday is next week, I know she wants a sleepover, but when I asked her she said she didn't know. Well, I know why. Her mom is sleeping with her! And I could do that forever. But, I know I can't. It scares me. To be alone in there...to be in bed alone in there. I told Sallye it may help to get a smaller bed. I have a Queen now...maybe a double would be better. It wouldn't feel so empty. But then I told her how I loved my bed...the style and all. But it is big....so big when it is half empty.

So, I know it has got to be done. It sounds like Jeff is going to try to find some guys to help him put the floor in the bedroom. He tried to find a flooring company to work with him and just couldn't. So he thinks he can do with the help of other guys. So, if you know of anyone that can help him, call him.

But pray for me as this transformation takes place. It is with such mixed emotions. If it stays like it is.....and I have used it as storage....I don't have to sleep in there...I can sleep with Rach. But, I know I can't do that forever. Pray for me. it is heavy on my heart.

Matthew is still wonderful. I think he senses my need for people around me. He used to sit at the table and eat, but now he joins me in the living room. He is learning the ways of the Lord. He is growing in the Lord. He is so loving towards the kids. He loves me...I can see that. I remember that when he was at OWU, John said, "He is becoming the Matthew that I remember from a long time ago." Well, I am seeing it again. It is the Matthew with the soft, gentle spirit.

Isaac still has a very strong will. But I can tell your prayers are being heard and answered. Continue to pray that God guide his spirit, that God would begin to change his heart. That would see himself....just as God is seeing him. Just help him to become more like Christ would want him to be. It is hard to pray for him because I don't know if he understands all the spiritual aspects of God and the way he works. So, I just pray.

Hannah still continues to be sleepy a lot. She was actually in bed before me last night. And out. I think I am going to try some iron and supplements with her. She doesn't drink milk, I know she is on the go constantly...she could be anemic is what I have been suggested. So, I am going to try that first. Just pray for her. Pray for her spiritual journey.

Rachel....I think she is doing okay. She seemed preoccupied last night, but she did have a few things on her mind. My prayer for her is that God will perfect his will in her life. She understands...I know she does.

Be with our family as a whole. I want so much for there to be a an unbreakable bond between us...especially between the kids. I want them to love each other unconditionally. I want them to help each other on this journey.

Pray for all of their spiritual journeys. Like Kori said.....that is the most important things. What would I have done with out the Lord? I don't want my kids to find out.

Pray for our protection. I am still terrified when they are far away from me. I am so thankful for cell phones.

Pray for our peace.

Pray for the change in the bedroom. That I will be able to go through it with a peace that passes all understanding.

Just pray for us...anyway the Lord lays on your heart. He knows our needs better than I know myself. Let him lead you.

Love you so much,
Saundra

Feb.15, 2010..Monday p.m.

God is good. God is Great! He is so faithful!

I think the things I was most worried about yesterday he just carried me right through.......the first of course was church. Oh, how I dreaded going. But, it was very inspirational.

Then I was worried even more about Sunday School. Being mostly married couples I was so afraid what would be talked about. It was talked a little bit at the beginning, and I teared up...just a little...but called on My Lord....and he came to me and comforted me.

Then,I was worried about going to my in-laws. While I knew that it was pretty much agreed by all that Valentines day would not be celebrated...it was all on our minds and in our hearts why it was not. We celebrated the life of Jonathon which helped the hurt a little easier to !!!!! I have always hated being along since....but it was okay. I took a little nap, watched a little tv, and talked to my sister in Illinois on the computer.

As I crawled into bed last night I thought back over the day and that poem about God Carrying You in the sand and there are no footprints. I thought if my day could have a picture...that is what you would find. That you would see two sets of footprints going to church, one set at church, two coming home and going to Marilyn's, one set at Marilyn's, two coming home....and one while I sat alone at the house. He carried me so much yesterday. I know it without a doubt.

I had a Holy calm about me. I can't explain it, except to say....He was with me.

Today was a good day. God was with me all day. I felt his presence and we even found time to talk with each other throughout the day at school. Because there are still times when I could sit and cry...but He picks me up and holds me, till I feel strong enough to go on again.

This evening I did have a moment. I was sharing with Jeff and Sallye that both Jay and I have a very hard time when we drive into the driveway. See, John fell off the roof right in the corner between the house and the garage. That is what I saw when I rounded the corner that dreadful day. That is what Jay saw when he rounded the corner that day. That is what we all saw. Though Jay is the only one that has mentioned it to me.

But every single time I drive in...I see John lying there, with the paramedics working on him. I see him. He is there. I can't stand it. Jay agrees with me that that vision comes to us every time. Well, tonight I was waiting for Isaac to get in the car and I looked up...and I saw him. It just did something to me. It set me back. It just made me sick. I couldn't eat...all I could see was John lying there...his eyes....staring blankly up at the sky, oh, I can't go on. Just pray for us. It is unavoidable at this point, but Jeff and Sallye and I are trying to come up with something to change that. It is an awful place.

Matthew is doing great. He is such a sweet boy. He is the boy that John and I kept hoping would come back someday. I wish John could be here to enjoy him like I am.

Continue to pray for him and his relationship with the Lord. My prayer is that he will realize how important it is and crave a personal relationship with Him. Also, I have contacted OWU, and Erin Toler has contacted them to make sure that Matthew has really completed all of his work. Pray that they will get back with us. We are having trouble getting responses. Though Mrs. Toler does have a way with them. Just pray that the professors be satisfied with what he has done and release him.

I worry about Hannah. She seems to be so tired all the time. She will, if she can, come home from school at 3:30 and sleep until I wake her for dinner, then she will sleep for the rest of the night. She came home from work last night at 9 and walked (about 15 min) she was sound to sleep. Very difficult to wake up. Then tonight she got home around 4 , at dinner at 5, fell asleep and slept until I made her wake up at 7:30. Now she is already in bed at 9:30. So pray that either I have wisdom to know what to do, or that she will get the rest that her body obviously needs.

Pray also that she will desire to have a personal relationship with Our Lord. I know she needs one. Please pray for her.

Pray for Isaac and his attitude. He seems so angry all the time. Pray that the Lord will soften his heart and bring him to Him. Help him to see himself as the Lord sees him. Pray that I have patient and wisdom in how to deal with him.

Pray for Rach. As the Lord, I know, is already beginning a work in her that she will have open ears and eyes to his will for her life.

Pray for protection for all of us. For His hedge of angels around us.

Kori, that sounds like a great idea with the sweatshirts. Sallye does read the blog and had already read this.

We will be starting to find avenues to announce that they are coming so people can prepare to buy them.

Wow, I just want to tell you again, how much I appreciate each of you. You really are inspiration for me to keep going. That there is hope. I love each and every comment you leave for me. I really do look forward to reading them. Most of you have been so faithful......your reward is in Heaven I am sure.

I love you all,
Saundra

Feb.14, 2010, Sunday Morning

I am sure I will post tonight. But I just had to give God the glory for how I am feeling today. I know that a lot of you prayer for me....your prayers were answered!!!!!



I woke with no sick feeling or dread in my heart. Showered, then came straight out and made blueberry hearts for each of the kids....and even made the fifth one....John's. No one said anything,, but it made everything complete. I woke each of the kids with a "Happy Valentine's Day! Not saying that was easy though.

They came to the kitchen and opened their cards. I didn't know how they felt, but I had signed their cards, "mommy and daddy". I've decided that his love is still in their hearts. He is always with us. As they looked at their cards, each reading quietly, but none of them mentioned a word. I hope that I didn't hurt any of them. But I want them to know that I believe he is still with us, in our hearts and memories, and we will acknowledge that.

Matthew and Hannah, Sallye and Jeff sat together in church. I felt like a family sitting there. We share so much love between all of us. I was afraid of breaking down, just looking at the couples, but God sustained me. Then, when we went to Sunday School, that was probably the most fearful. But as we walked the fear back to the Lord and he carried me. It was so hard when Danny asked about gifts received. I almost cried then. But, I remembered what God had said...."today was in his hands".

I still carry a hurt in my heart. It is there yes. But, I think God is helping me to learn to deal with my emotions better.. It is becoming easier to focus on the positive and not the negative. I am finding it so true though, that when I keep my focus on Him......I don't feel so much pain.

It is only 12:08. I have yet to go to Jay and Marlyn's. We are not celebrating Valentine's Day there. Instead we are celebrating Jonathon's birthday. It will be a sad day...we all realize that. It will hurt so much not to have John at the table with us. On this special day. But, He will carry me. Marilyn and I had a good cry together last night. Maybe it will hold us over for dinner.

One thing I have learned through this. It is okay to cry...where ever. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of a tender heart...one that God can use. So, I am sure there will be tears. But there is victory.

I will let you know how the rest of the day goes. I will blog tonight....and the day comes to rest.....and I am Praising My God.

Love you all,
Saundra

February 12, 2010, Friday night

Can't sleep. Up alone....of course.

It's killing me. Just killing me. I wasn't going to school today. I just couldn't deal with the whole valentine thing.

Yesterday was hard. Thursday. I didn't think I would make it through the day. Flowers.....Just seeing someone get them killed me. I had to go cry for a while. Well, that set the tone for the day for me.

Then, watching Hannah play basketball...wow...her daddy would have been so proud of her. It seemed my day was darkening yet even more when I had to be out on the floor celebrating what John should have been able to celebrate with her. That was something they dreamed together about. My heart broke for her....and I yearned for him to be there with us.

And...in the back of my mind....v-day.

I decided Thursday night that there was no way I was going to school on Friday. I knew the office would be filled with flowers to wives, husbands, even girlfriends. And....I knew none of them had my name on them. I couldn't do it.

But, I got up and had devotions this morning. And it seemed everything that I read God was pushing me to go. I had to pray that God would carry me close to his HEART. Because I couldn't do it alone..but I knew he wanted me there. I obeyed.

And....in the back of my mind....v-day.

He did carry me. It was hard. My first tear came when a little girl named Macy. She was in John's class last year. He fell in love with her as well as me. She has a sweet personality....and you can tell she is so sensitive. She brought me a small gift bag with a gift in it. And also in it was the sweetest poem about how she loved to see me smile because it made her smile. I told her how sweet it was of her...that that may be the only gift I received this day....and I was glad it was from her.

And...in the back of my mind I am dreading ...v-day

Then, as I was sitting in my last class, Karen brought in a small beautiful bouquet of flowers. Beautiful. At first I didn't move. Never thinking they could be for me. But she said they were. The card was signed, "Your Angels that Love you". I knew who that was. You do to I would guess. Sallye and Jeff. I couldn't believe they would go to that trouble. It touched me so much.....more tears.

And...yet v-day made me sick.

Then I got home and there was another bouquet from a church that I don't even know. But obviously God spoke to someone in that church and obeyed. They were beautiful. There was two gift bags...a glass necklace...so pretty, and a book that I know I will be reading very soon. I loved the gifts....

but v-day was coming....and John wasn't here.

Then soon after the kids came in carrying a bouquet of flowers and box of candy. Jeff had taken Isaac to buy them. I sobbed. Then, Matthew said, "That's not all". He went into his room and came out with a small box. I opened it and there was a beautiful silver cross necklace. I couldn't believe it. He had saved his money for ME!!! He had did that especially for me. Then he said, "See, you once said you would probably never receive jewelry again." I cried and hugged and hugged. Just stood there and cried and hugged.

And yet.....My Sweetheart is gone.

I am sorry. I am sure most of you are saying that I should just be happy for what the kids have done. And oh, you don't know how I am. But if you put yourself in my place....and I wouldn't want anyone else to be....to share a special day with that special person, the one that chose YOU, the one you have shared 21 years with....the love of your life.....and suddenly he isn't there. Everyone around you is celebrating. Receiving gifts that show their love toward one another....you would feel my hurt. You would understand why I sit and cry tonight. Sometimes looking up at the door just praying this is a dream and he will come walking in with my bouquet of Daisy's.....my flowers for Valentines Day that He started getting me just last year...a new tradition. It's gone. All gone.

I love my kids. I love their huge hearts. Love that they have come as far as they have. Love what they did for me. In fact, am still shocked about it. But, is it wrong for me to want John here to give me something? Is it wrong to want him here to celebrate? Just want him?

I plan to go to church (2nd) service as most of you know if you have been reading my blog. I believe since Megan invited me...not knowing that I was planning to not go.....that God has something for me in that service. So I can't not go. It is not an option for me.

Sunday School is another story. I don't know yet if I can go. As it is well known it is mostly married couples. Yes, there are singles there....but not people like me...widowed and longing to share that day with. I just want to cover my ears and close my eyes and not hear or see what goes on. So, I don't know if I will go or not. I love David's lessons, and really don't want to miss them. They are teaching me so much. I don't know.

Matthew came to hug me goodnight tonight. And as he leaned in for me to kiss him goodnight, I said, "your heart is changing isn't it?" He said, "Yea". I know it is. It is beautiful to see what God is doing to and in him. I can't wait to watch and see.

But, don't stop praying for God's peace in his life. I believe he has brought a special friend into his life. But I want him to learn, as I am, to lean on God for all things. Pray that he would be sensitive to God's voice. He finished his monster sociology test today. So that is supposedly all he has to do to be finished with OWU. So, pray as I contact them to be sure that they find favor with him and let him finally be finished.

Pray for Hannah. She is so happy. But since the other night, since receiving her all state jacket, I have noticed a difference in Hannah. As if she has something on her mind. I can only imagine. She got home at 4 today, came out to get some pizza, and went back in her room for the rest of the night. Pray that God bring her peace. And, like Matthew, if she needs a friend to talk to that He would bring someone special into her life.

Pray that she has a deep desire to seek Him and His ways.

Pray for Isaac. I know he needs a change in his heart. I know he is hurting so much. He is coming into baseball season. I went with him and bought his equipment and things that he needed. I felt so sorry for him. I didn't know what I was looking at, what he needed. He talked about what daddy would say was good, or wasn't. I know he wished he were there with him. I know it is going to be so hard for him to play. He just loved playing catch with daddy. He loved to look up in the stands and see daddy smiling....or John would go talk with him to help him. WHY?

Pray that God touch his little heart, meet his needs. I know God knows more of what he needs than even I. I pray that God meet everyone of those needs.

Pray for Rach. She went to the camp with the church this weekend. I am kind of afraid to go to bed. We have been sleeping in her bed. I will be alone. Though Hannah will be in the bunk above me....there won't be a warm body close to me.

I pray that she will learn to live for Christ and to serve Him in her life. I pray for her protection.

Pray for protection for our whole family. I have been praying for a hedge of angels around each of us.

Pray for Peace.

And you know...I hurt for me and v-day. But I just realized that the kids always loved to celebrate this day because John always made it fun........it's gone.....all gone.

Pray for us.

Love you all.....
Saundra

Wednesday Evening Februray 11, 2010

This week has been a cloud for me. Ever since Monday...I just don't feel anything....numb might be the word. Going thru the actions....

Yesterday was a blah day. Isaac and I got into it first thing in the morning. He called me a name that is just not acceptable. It was over something so trivial. You know I made a promise to him a while ago that I would not yell at him. And I have kept that promise. Even this morning. But I can't have him calling me that. It is so hard to discipline him when I KNOW he is still grieving and mourning John's loss.

Hannah played against OCS last night. It was a long drive!!! They had half time shoot outs as a fund raiser for our family. It was so sweet of them and I really appreciate them for doing it.

Lonely...I think that is what I feel.

Today, I was just out of it. My mind was so gone. I mean, poor Mrs. Benda she would have to repeat things to me several times before I would get it. I just couldn't focus. I know I am so worried about V day coming. But, I don't think I am necessarily dwelling on it. I don't know...I just don't like what i am feeling.

I did get some good news yesterday. Of course we all worry about the future education of our children. I am worried about how I will send 4 children to college. But I was talking to Mrs. Erin Toler and she just nonchalantly said something about Hannah wanting to go to SNU and the fund that they have set up to help her and the rest of them. I asked her what she was talking about and she asked me if I knew that they had set up a fund for Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel. The person that set it up is Phil White. Isn't that wonderful!!!! She said that all people have to do is send the money to Phil White for The Griffis Family and he would make sure it would go where it needs to go. She said that what more is that if one of them choose to not go to SNU, but somewhere else, that that money would follow them! I couldn't believe this had been done.

Well, I made dinner tonight. I hate it. Just hate cooking. But, I knew I had to. It is in the oven right now. I am trying to get up enough strength and will to eat at the table. But, I just don't know if I can do it. He isn't there!!!! He and I sat right next to each other. I already miss him now....I can't do that to myself.....

Pray that i overcome this melancholy that has me in its grips right now.

Pray that peace would come to all of us.

Pray that we form a bond as a new family. I realize that things will be different. Help each one of us to accept that difference and to bond with one another.

I just got a call from Rachel's softball coach from last summer. Rachel loved it! She loved to play catch with her daddy before the game. And was so proud of herself and would run to the fence and talk to him. I cry as I type this because I already feel the pain that I know she will feel and I will feel. It was something she absolutely loved. But, part of it was having daddy there. God, how will I live through this?

I just need his touch tonight. I need a song. I need a scripture.

Pray for all of us.

Love,
Saundra
BTW....be watching the blog. Sallye told me that they will be ordering sweatshirts again since there was such a good response for some. She is going to get the details and I will relay them in the information box to the right.

Feb 8, 2010, Tuesday

I have about 30 minutes then I am off to see my attorney. But I wanted to get on here while I could just to let you know how things go.



Monday was not a good day. I was talking to a very loving and sensitive co-worker. One who only wants to help. But ended up in our talking , making me cry. As I left the office, I was crying, holding back a sob. In the past, when I was upset, or needed a shoulder, I would go straight to John's room and pull him out for assurance, love, whatever he knew I needed. As I was walking down the hall, I found myself, without thinking, heading towards his room. Then I realized...he wasn't there. He would never be there. I started sobbing. I went straight to the office. I knew I had to get out of there because I was about to lost control of my emotions. I told Tammy I had to leave, she took one look and knew. I went to Jay and Marilyns and she met me at the door....with arms opened wide. She just let me cry. I told them what had happened. And of course they understood. I stayed there for about 2 hours, and then returned to school. But it seemed that for the rest of the day I was on the verge. I missed him so much.



Then Isaac had a game at Bridgecreek. Jay, Matthew and I went. Isaac played the best game he has played all season. I jokingly asked him, "Did you tell the coach, 'see what I can do when given the opportunity'? He laughed. But all I could think was how proud John would be of him.



Something I would say of irony happened this weekend. I found out that Matthew is talking, and I do mean talking....you know,,,,those talk into the wee hours of the morning, to one of John's best friends daughter. I don't know how they come to know each other. I don't know if it is just a friendship relationship. I don't even know if it means anything. But, as a mother, hoping her son finds "the right one" I can only hope, but then laugh at the irony of it all. Matthew being involved with John's best friend (in high school,and still loved him). I can see John smiling in Heaven now. Then, I have to tell myself that this could be the person I have praying for to come into Matthew's life that he could talk to. She is just the type. She is like her mom in so many ways. And I know her mom is very sensitive. She could be my answer to my prayers.

It doesn't matter. It is in God's control. I see such a change in Matthew. He has, as you know, been trying to qualify for the Golf tournament in Arizona with the SNU golf team. He found out yesterday he didn't make it. I think I was hurt more than him. At least he didn't show it. He was like, "Well, maybe next time." You just have to know that that is not how it would have been 1 month ago!!!! God has touched him in an incredible way.

Then I got an email from Megan Wilds. She is the Creative Dance Instructor at church. Rachel is in that group. She emailed me because she said she felt led to invite me to the second service this Sunday because she would be singing to Kyle's song "Restore Me". I could only know that this was God's will for me. I had been praying for an answer as to what to do this Sunday. I told Megan, who hadn't even known my thoughts that I felt that God was using her. She said she didn't know how I would feel about it, but felt so led.

So, I plan to attend second service this Sunday. I don't know what message God has for me...but I believe in my heart that that is where He wants me. "Where He leads me I will follow", and not ask questions. Pray for me.

Isaac is really being rebellious these past few days. My prayer for him is that God would give him eyes to see him as God sees him. I pray that God would soften his heart towards the things of God. Pray with me.

Hannah and Rachel are both doing okay.

Pray for all of us. Pray for God to surround us. Let his angels guard us. I am in the midst of memorizing Psalm 91.....
He that dwells in the presence of the almighty shall abide in the shadow of the most high.
I will say of my God, my refuge and my fortress.
He will not allow the enemy to snare me,
nor allow the deadly pestilence to touch me.

That is as far as I have gotten....but what promise in just these few verses. His promises are true.

Well, I need to go. I don't want to be late. My prayer requests the most...the first of course is that each of the kids come into a personal relationship with our Saviour.

Peace, safety and a bond between all of us.

Donetta, thanks for your comment. I still have a few days till Sunday. Pray that God will strengthen me for what He has asked of me.

Jana, those girls are God's blessing in Rachel's life. I don't know where she would be with out them. They are God's gifts to her....and to ME!!!

Love you all,
Saundra

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Well here it is Sunday afternoon. I have made it that far and have not cried a whole lot. I cried a little in Sunday School when we talk about circumstances making us more like Him. How we don't choose the circumstance, but it is there and we need to let Christ work in it to make us more like Him. That made me sad, in only that I did not choose this road, nor would I ever choose this road...ever....but here I am....and Dave is right....it is making me more and more like Christ. I WANT that more than anything. I want to be in His perfect will, in his perfect presence, daily. To do that, I must live in this circumstance to fulfill His Purpose for me. I was moved again by Dave's lesson. I believe that He has been anointed by God to give this lesson. I know, for one, I am ready and needing to hear it.

I just want to take this minute to thank Coach Brown and all who purchased those sweatshirts. I didn't know that that was going to happen until Coach Brown told me a few days before the announcement/presentation. We are so blessed. Thank you.



So, I made it through church. Went to dinner at Jay and Marilyns. Again, feeling melancholy. Missing John being there. Then I began to think that next week was Jonathon's birthday....and we were celebrating it on Sunday...the 14th. I had to swallow a lump in my throat. I did ask him what he wanted. But all that kept going thru my mind was that that was Valentines Day.



During Sunday School I kept thinking the same thing. I don't know if I will be able to go to church/Sunday School next Sunday. Everyone will be celebrating. In Sunday School I know it will be mentioned. I just don't know if I can do it. The pastor talked about next Sundays sermon, how it was on desire....and it was Valentines Day. I just don't know if I can handle that kind of talk.



I really don't know if I can handle Jonathon's birthday party. In the back of my mind I know what day it will be. AND, I don have to do something for my kids. It makes me sick to think of that. Sick. I don't know if I want to do anything for the kids. BUT, I know I don't have a choice. It hurts so much friends, it hurts. Pray for me.



Isaac has begged me since last week to let him have a super bowl party with some of his friends. I hesitated...a lot. Just because I didn't know if I could deal with "happiness, and fun." But I knew I had to think of him. So, In about 1 1/2 hours I will be hosting a Superbowl party for Isaac. I am nervous about it and really am scared about it, but Matthew said he would stay with me and make them mind.

So Hannah and I went to Target to get a few snacks. While there I thought I would get a Birthday card to Jonathon and a thank you for my little friend Harden. I never thought going into a card isle could make a person so sick to their stomach. First, I remembered that John usually picked out the boys cards....making them funny of course. Then I saw the husband's birthday cards. And I realized that I would never buy one of those again. That my kids would never buy a daddy birthday card again. Then, I began to think of all the occasions that we wouldn't have him. Father's Day, Birthday, Mother's Day, kids birthdays, and I started to feel like I was losing control of my emotions again. I just wanted out of there. I got my cards and did just that.

Now, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It will be there until I can get a grip on my emotions, my thoughts. The enemy might think he won this battle , but he is so wrong. I still believe that God will rescue me, that He will restore me. That he is my saviour. My God, in whom I trust.

Matthew is doing so well. I just love him when he is like this. Just carefree, happy, helpful etc. It certainly makes my life so much easier.

Isaac has been a little easier to deal with, but since he is having his way with this get together I think that makes a difference. Its if I had chosen not to that he would be miserable to live with right now!

Hannah is going to the church to do the super thingy there. Rach is having a friend over. So, I hope it is a quiet night regardless.

Pray for our peace. We still need peace.

Pray for each of the kids to have a deep desire to love and serve our Lord. That they will REALLY know Him.

Pray for Matthew to finish his work from OWU. He has Erin Toler who is helping him from SNU. She is being his proxy...I think it is.....to help him. I hope they can get together soon.

Pray for my wisdom. I need wisdom to take care of my children, my home, my finances, every day things that I have to do to survive and to make the right choices.

Thanks for all your help, care,concern,and prayers. I know that your prayers, that God hears, are helping me so much. It is so good, that when I am feeling a little down, that I know that someone else is praying for me. God hears them all......

Love,
Saundra
Please let me know if you are interested in the black "G" shirts so I can let Sallye know whether we should order more or not.

Feb. 5, 2010, Saturday A.M.

Sorry it has been a while since I've been on here. It seems I haven't had time to sit down. My schedule is usually : get up at 5:30 have devotions, 6:15 wake Isaac; back to devotions; 6:30 wake the girls and get the dogs outside; then start getting myself ready to be to work by 7:45; bring the dogs in, feed them and by then its time to leave. I am not doing very well with that right now. Barely made it by 8 the other day. But I just can't see myself getting up any earlier than that!!!

Then my evenings....well you all know....basketball with Hannah, basketball with Isaac. Then I get home, get them in showers, do homework, pack lunches, then my eyes are starting to droop. By that time, I couldn't blog if I wanted. Sometimes, if I am lucky, I would have time to sleep after school before the games. But I am usually doing laundry. But if I do get a nap...I can stay up until 10:30 or so....then I could blog. But for now, I am doing it when I can.

Things have been up and down lately. There was a Talent Show at the Middle School on Friday. Two sweet boys made a video. Everything was backwards in it. Everything they did was backwards. It was neat. They had a scene where they took legos laying all over...and in the backward action put them back on the lego board...and it was the letter G. Then at the end on the screen it said, "Dedicated to Mr Griffis". I was so moved that the boys would remember Mr. Griffis. A lot of the time I look around at the kids and think, "Do they even remember the tragedy? Do they remember the loss? Have they just moved on and think of him as another teacher?" These boys made me realize that not even the kids have forgotten him. I had a chance to thank and hug them personally.

Teresa, I loved your analogy of the fog and the sun. I found it so true. That even when things seem so dark...He is there. In my devotions this morning, in the book, it says that He wants us to come to the point that even when we are in the darkness, he wants us to be content in just knowing His presence is there with us. Sometimes, it is so hard to not be afraid of walking in the darkness...and not seeing Him. I feel so alone. But I need to begin to trust Him no matter what I am facing.

Kristie, loved to hear from you. I love the story about Kalen. I see him at lunch everyday. I wish he would have called me over....it would have made me smile also. What a great idea for the kids lunches though. I may try to do that myself!

Rebekah, thank you for your words about John. He was a great guy. He was always upbeat and he did always have a joke to tell. You know, the kids never annoyed him. He would put up with them no matter what. After all, that was what he wanted, was to make a change in a young life. And I know he did that.

Anonymous, Thanks for keeping an eye on Matthew...so to speak...at SNU. He seems to be happy. As I stated before...He isn't a real talker (like his dad). But he seems content. I wish I could follow him one day and watch what he does. I don't know if he is making friends or not. I know he is with the golf team and I am definitely glad he has them. But I hope he reaches out. But, like his dad, he waits for them to come to him. You make me smile when you say that he does have a lot of his dad in him. He sure does. Sometimes he will do something and it does make me long, or hurt, for John, because it is so much like John. But, what a legacy to carry on, huh?

Jenna, you are so right. Things are different. In fact, I have learned that things will never be the same. I guess I realized that the day I lost the love of my life, my best friend, the father of my children, my leader, my sidekick...etc. I knew that life would never be the same. But, this week Delana Massey sent me an email and even though we went through different situations, we still lost something precious to us. Something that indeed changed our lives. But you know...as she told me...it is all for the better! I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been before, I look at people in a different way, I deal with things differently, I look at situations differently, I deal and look at my kids differently, I look at my own life differently, I feel the pain of other people, I hurt more for others who are hurting. Everything is different now. But, it is a good different. Yes, I still grieve and mourn John. But, through my loss, life means something more to me, people mean something more to me. I guess, Delana, you and I could say.....we are looking at life through the eyes of our Lord????? Do you think? I just really appreciated that outlook.

Ami, I love you help and guidance concerning the head stone. But I mostly cling to your words regarding satan. He attacks me on a daily basis. I know it, I know it. But, that is also why I cling to His word. To fight the battle. I can look back and see days when I know without a doubt that satan was sitting there trying to have me give up. Even those words came to my mind. But, like I said a few days ago, I have felt God tell me that I have to keep my focus on Him. So, even when satan tries, especially with memories, or fear of the future, or financial worries, I try to say aloud, "Focus on Him...." then I will try to quote a scripture that I know the Lord has given me for battle. He knows the enemy is battling for me also. I know he arms me with scripture.

Kelli, You are so right...it is hard for me to go to Hannah AND Isaac's game. Especially when I know how much they looked up to their daddy for support. And though they don't mention it, I know they would love to look at the crowd and see his smile up there. So, I hurt pretty much the whole game. You know Isaac and John would spend quite some time talking about the game afterward. I try....but I am not stupid, it isn't the same for my sweet boy. And yes, while I appreciated the check from Coach Brown, being up there was hard. Especially when I looked up there....and you would not believe the "G" shirts. I was touched. I felt like I left quite quickly, but I know if I would have stayed much longer I would start to cry.

Coach Brown and John had such a special relationship. John looked up to Coach Brown, he respected him very much. He never questioned what Coach would say...he would just do it. He actually loved him. Coach Brown has a compassion that most people don't see, but John did. John loved him very much. And I know Coach Brown felt the same for John. I know he feels a great loss, not only as a friend, but fellow co-worker and friend.

I appreciate all that bought the sweatshirts. I didn't know that the proceeds were going to us. It's funny how things get past me like that. I was shocked when Coach told me about it. Apparently my father in law knew but I didn't. But I was so appreciative of it. And I thank everyone who bought one.

I have to tell this sweet story.. When we got home Hannah said that she had such a sweet story to tell. She said that Harden Jones came to her and wanted to know where I was. I had left, she didn't know. So she told him where I should have been. He came back to her and told her he couldn't find me. She asked him what he needed me for. He said, "This is for the sweatshirt money for her". Hannah about cried. It was like a dollar and some change. She said you could tell he had been holding onto it for a long time. But he was giving his heart. Hannah came home and put it in our "vacation jar" that we put odd change in for a time away this summer. But she was clearly moved and I was so touched. I can't wait to send him a card...addressed straight to him and tell him how much that meant to us, and how special he is. Even a child knows.....

Grace, Just thanks for your prayers...they mean the world to me....as every prayer does.

Continue to pray for us:
Prayer that Matthew go to church with us tomorrow. That he will make more friends, close friends at SNU.
That he will get this humongous test done for OWU that he has to do. Not being there the last 4 weeks of class is making it almost impossible for him. Pray for his spiritual life. He has changed so much!!!! He is so pleasant and a joy to be with. He even took Isaac golfing this morning!!! I didn't even have to ask him to!!! Pray that he do well in golf. Pray that he have a desire to serve God with his WHOLE heart.

Pray for Isaac. He is starting to act up in school and at home. He is not himself. I don't know whether to blame his grief, and this is the outward expression, or if he is just being rebellious. Pray that God will lead him through this time that he is going thru. Give the teachers patience with him....and understanding. I am not very good in helping him with his work....you know it is constant tension. So I don't know if he is frustrated with that or....well I don't know. But he needs a healing touch from our Father.

Pray for me. I would never intentionally hurt my children. So, I need patience and understanding with Isaac. I need wisdom in how to deal with him. Lord, help me to be a good mother to him at this time. Help me to know his needs and to meet them as best I can. But, the Lord has to do the rest. Pray that Isaac will realize what a relationship with God can do for him. Help him to know. And then desire it. He is old enough, I know it.

Be with Hannah! Pray for her....she is taking the ACT even as we speak. We need her to do well on it. She wants to go to SNU and I don't see that for her right now. I don't know how I can send two of them there. So pray that she do very, very well on it. Wisdom is what she needs.

She threw up right before the JV game this last Friday night game. I don't know what it was. But, she internalizes a lot. Pray for her to have peace. To look to the Lord for her strength. I pray that she will yearn for a personal relationship with our Lord.

For Rachel, I just pray that you would give her peace,and happiness. That she would begin to grow in the Lord. I just feel like God has something special for her. I pray that He would begin His work in her. She has such a sensitive spirit.

I want to that Bethany Spindle and her dad....who have taken Rachel under their wing. Evidently, Bethany and her dad had a routine of going out for breakfast each Friday morning before school. Well they have invited Rachel into that routine. She loves it. I just think it is so mature, and Christlike, that Bethany would give up this time with her daddy, and share it with Rachel. She has come to look forward to it. I am hoping that she will begin to maybe talk about her feeling with him. But I appreciate it so much.

I thought I would mention that they are thinking of selling black "G" hoodies. They would like an idea of whether it would be worth it or not. Could you let me know, email, on here, cell phone, or Sallye Siems, if you would be interested?

Thanks to all of you for your faithfulness.

And I forgot...someone mentioned it in their comment of my last blog. You know how I hate weekends...especially Sundays. Pray for me this weekend when you think of me. Strength, peace, joy. All the things that are opposite of those the enemy attacks me with. I HATE SUNDAYS! I cry through most of them. And I am totally emotionally drained by the afternoon. These are the days the enemy attacks so easily. When my guard is weak, when I want to give in. Pray for God to put his Hedge of Angel around me and the kids (I know they must hurt too....it was such a family day). That we would all have peace and joy. No kidding...just talking about it has brought tears and hurts to me. Please begin praying now.

Thank you for reading, commenting and praying. Sometimes when I feel weak to pray...I rely on you, the ones I know are praying for me....that is you.

Thanks for all you do.. ALL you do.

Love,
Saundra

February 3,2010 Wednesday evening

Today has been kind of a strange day. I have had strange feelings all day. One minute sad, the next contented. God keeps telling through his word that He is always near me. So today, when my mind would start to think of the past, or the what ifs, or the future....I would remember that He was near me...and that His word says: to think on those things which are true and pure and worthy of His Praise. And when I think on these things His Peace will be with me.

I felt like I quoted that a lot today. I guess I felt like I was fighting a battle. Trying to remain focused on Christ, as He has asked me to, yet being pulled the other way. Thoughts of John making me sad, thoughts of the kids without him, thoughts of the future, the kids future, etc...,would be right there trying to make me take my focus off Christ. .

When I got home from school I was exhausted. I don't know if it was from battling all day or just a long first day back. But I was exhausted. I tried to get a little nap in but the kids all had something to tell me or share with me, so I stayed awake and listened.

I went to Taco Bueno to get them something to eat. And it hit me....how much John loved that place. I don't know if I was too tired to fight the battle or what...but I gave into the feeling of not wanting to go on. Just giving up. Missing him so much. I think I made myself sick enough that I couldn't eat a thing. But, as we were driving back home the music I listened to made me refocus my thoughts on Christ again.

But, one question that I know the enemy is using against me over and over again is, "Will I ever be happy again? I mean happy, like I was with John. Happy, content happy.????" And I have to be honest and say I don't know how I can be without him! It seems impossible. Then the Lord comes to me and reminds me that for Him, nothing is impossible.

It just seems that I am constantly battling for my mind and thoughts. It seems that I can't stay focused. So, I have to concentrate on that to be sure that my mind is on the things of God. I just wish the enemy would give up and give me some peace.

I do have a contentedness now. I spent the evening at Jay and Marilyn's. I always feel better when I spend some time with them. Maybe its because I know they are thinking and feeling the same thing. But it just feels good to be there.

Its kind of scary for me. It seems things are going pretty smoothly right now. I am waiting for the ball to drop. You know? Like I thought everything was good for John and I and then the ball dropped and look where I am now? So, I am afraid to get my hopes up, that , yea, maybe I am feeling better! Because if I say it, if I admit it, something might happen.

Keep us in your prayers. You that are so faithful to my blog. I really appreciate it. Knowing that some of you haven't forgotten me. That was something someone told me a few days after the service and I see it coming true. That everyone will be there for you .....for a while....then you fade into the past. I do see it happening. And it does hurt my feelings. But, life does go on for them. So, I really appreciate you my faithful ones!

Pray for peace for all of us.

Pray for the kids at school with their work. Isaac seems to be struggling a little bit.

Pray that God will give me wisdom in all things that I must do.

Pray that all of us will grow closer to the Lord. That the kids will have a deep desire to seek Him. Especially Hannah and Matthew. I want them to know Him, like I know Him. So when they have a bad day....they can seek His face, and know how to listen for His help.

Pray for Jay and Marilyn and Dawn.

I am having a hard time bringing this request up. Just saying it makes it hurt all over again. But, Jay,Marilyn and I need to pick out a headstone for....well you know. We are just dragging our feet to do it. We can't talk about it. Yet, it is there in front of us. It's just so hard. Pray for added strength, for wisdom, for peace that we can do it soon.

I love you guys for reading, commenting and I covet each and every thought and prayer!

Love,
Saundra

Feb. 2, 2010 Tuesday Afternoon

Woke up too late this morning too late for devotions. I was so disappointed! My doctor gave me some new medicine to help me sleep. And sleep I did. I had been waking at 5 or 5:30 every morning so I would get up and have my devotions. But this morning I woke at 6:45. Time enough to get Matthew up, go get gas in my car, pick Isaac up from a friends and get him to an 8:00 d:doctors appointment.

But, it is amazing what a good nights sleep can do for your emotions. I feel more in control of them. I definitely feel stronger today. I feel more alert too.

I am amazed at how God is working in Matthew's heart. I know most of you might think I am being picky with his attitude, being closed up in his room, his angry outbursts. But the last few days I have seen the side of the old Matthew that I have missed.

Jeff and Sallye were here to witness some of God's handy work last night. He and I each had a prescription that needed to be picked up at the pharmacy last night. I forgot to go get them. It was about 9:30 maybe later and he had just went to bed. So I went in and asked him if he would mind running up to get them for me. He smiled, SMILED, and said, "Yes, but you can't know how much I don't want to do this!" As he walked out of his room he was smiling at all three of us as we stood in the kitchen.

He came back with it and even joked that they didn't have any. A few weeks ago that would not have been like that. I wouldn't even had bothered to ask because I know he would not have done it. God is working in his heart. I can see it. I think Matthew knows something is going on inside too, but can't place a finger on it.

Hannah is still hanging with her friends. She has been gone everyday that they have been off of school. Staying all night with her friends. I shouldn't complain. They are perfect friends and I know that they will watch over her. I just want to make sure she is suppressing her feelings. She is sure happy though!

Isaac had his in grown toenail taken out this morning. He is doing okay. It was timed right because he doesn't have a game until next Monday. The doctor said he should be able to play. He is another that I am afraid he is suppressing his feelings.

Rachel...my Rachel. She is happy no matter what the day brings. I know she is hurting, and at times might mention it to me. But she is doing pretty good.

My prayer requests would be
That each of my kids would find a personal relationship with Christ. I know I mention this everyday, but it is so important to me. I wish we would have prayed for it sooner.....but I really feel the need for it now.

Pray that we begin to re-bond...if that is a word. It just seems like everyone lives their own lives. We don't talk to each other that often and I wish the kids would talk more to each other. I just pray that there will be a sweet bond between all of us. We need each other.

Pray that God continue to reveal himself through His word to me. I enjoy being in devotions with Him. When this morning I missed them, I was really disappointed. But, this afternoon, I had a chance, while Isaac and Rachel were busy doing their thing, to be quiet before the Lord. Today he showed me that He is My Sovereign God, eager to take care of me. I know that you probably think that is so simple minded. But at this point, when He points things out to me...I know that he is reassuring me.

I think that what is so, so, sad, is that it took this tragedy to get me on my knees looking up. What I had was a surface relationship with Him. Now, I have a heart relationship with Him. I long to stop my world and talk to Him. I can't wait to see what He is going to show me through books, His word, church, etc. Even when I begin to doubt, or have a tidal wave day....even when I question Him and His ways....He is there. He was there all the time waiting for me......it's so sad that it took this much.

Don't wait for something tragic to happen to bring you to your knees, making you realize that He is all you have. The only one who can really help.

Pray for Matthew....we are still dealing with OWU....his sociology test...etc.....

Pray for peace for all of us.

Thanks for reading, commenting, and most of all praying.

Love, Saundra

Feb 1, 2010, Monday

I slept well last night. Took a little meds to help. I was weary, but just restless, so I decided I needed something. If I don't get enough sleep, John used to say, I have no control over my emotions and they totally take over because I can't deal with them. So, I did sleep good. Woke around 5, thought I may as well make use of the time so came out to have my quiet time.

Yesterday was sooooo hard. Keli, you are so right. The sermon was so hard to listen to. But I was where God wanted me. He knew Who knows...maybe that is why we had church even though it was horrible out....and I was determined to be there! I would not let the enemy defeat me. It would have been easy to not go. Going by myself. Walking in 2 ft. of snow all the way into the building...and I might mention the ice I could have hurt myself on. I marched on....I was destined to be there.

My one wish for yesterday was that Matthew and Hannah would have been there. Hannah was actually planning to be there but had to work. Matthew, the one I think would have benefited most, didn't come. I was sad. I do believe that there is a battle for Matthew's soul right now. He seems a little irritable. But he tells me every Saturday night that he intends to go....then he doesn't. Pray for him. I believe he really needs to be in church.


It did speak to me. I am okay. I am following God's plan for grieving. Except in one area. Most of the time, I don't feel like smiling....I don't' want to laugh. But I feel like I have to because that is what people want to make me do, by what they might say or do. But, I am not putting on that mask anymore. You all know how hurt I am. I am not happy. You know it. Why should I fake it? Sure there are times when I can giggle....and really feel it inside. But generally speaking...I don't feel it.

Sallye, my God given Angel....came over yesterday. We laugh together a lot. When she enters the house she never fails to hug me and tell me she loves me and may even chat a bit. But yesterday, I had text her and told her I was having a bad day. Yesterday, she walked in the door, came to me, and just held me. Didn't say a word. I believe I even her a groan come from her. A groan of pain...for me.

Sometimes, just hug me. Don't' say anything. I love hugs. I love to be told in an unspeakable way....that I am loved. You don't have to say anything. But I need all of you right now. I am going through a very difficult time these last few days. DAYS! Usually the waves, floods, tidal waves may only last a day and then the next is better. I keep waiting for the better...and they are not coming.

I am just being honest.
I hope I don't offend anyone. The sermon, yesterday, just made me feel like I need to let people know.....most of the time I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk about how I feel, how my day is going, how the kids are I just need a hug. Just a hug.

Today...mmmmm, fourth day with the kids in the house. Well, first I have to go dig out the little truck and the car. They are buried!!!! And I have to have it done by or around 9. We have been driving the explorer. Matthew is driving the explorer to school this morning...while he is there I will dig out the cars. Then when he gets home, we are hoping that I will have the cars dug out. Because I promised the kids that I would take them sledding. This is one of those first steps, so it will be hard...John ALWAYS took the kids sledding.....letting me stay home and take a long bath. But, I feel like I need to do it for the kids. So, in order for there to be room for the kids...Isaac and friend, Rachel and friend. I have to take the explorer. So, I hope Matthew can get the car out around 10:30 to go back to class.

So, pray that I get the cars uncovered, that Matthew can get the car out of the snow, and that I will take that first step and not talk my way out of it!

Matthew and I have an appointment to see our Psych Dr today. Pray that he will have God given wisdom to know how to change Matthew's meds. He has been having trouble with them. I also pray that Matthew will be able to talk with him. Pray that he will have the right words for both of us.

I forgot to mention my devotions this morning. God was so here......this morning in one hour he told me that He was with me, would always be with me, that he gives his angels charge over me, that he will restore me, that he does what he promises! All in one morning! All from Psalms, Romans, and Genesis. He just tied them altogether! They all mentioned the same things! It was amazing.

Pray for our family to bond again. I don't know. I just feel like since the tragedy, we have built a wall between all of us. I want God to help us bond again. I don't feel like a family because it seems that we have that wall.

Pray for Hannah. I am worried for her. She is definitely grieving. As I read more and more about grieving, she is showing signs of it. One thing is that she is buried in doing things with her friends. Never wants to be here. Fights to be away. She is avoiding the house because it pains her to be here. Then, I noticed that her mind is always preoccupied. She is forgetful. Sometimes I am talking directly to her and she doesn't hear a word I say. She seems far away. I know these are all symptoms of grieving/mourning. So pray for her.

Still pray for my children's salvation. I want so much for them to each long to have a personal relationship with Christ. I know...they don't' have that. Especially my older ones.

Pray for my wisdom to do what God asks, take care and make decisions for my kids and myself, financial decisions, lives decisions.

Pray that I be real with my feelings to you around me. Not to put a mask on. To be real. I think that will really help me heal. So my real feelings can come out, instead of burying them.

Also, this may sound trivial to you...but I dreaded February coming. Valentines Day. I dread it coming. I wish I could somehow not be here. I have celebrate with my kids...without my LOVE and without their daddy. John and I had come to celebrate with the kids together. We were each others valentines. I have these little heart shaped cake pans....and since I wasn't working at the time, I would make them each a heart...to be waiting for each of them after school....even John. What am I suppose to do this time? How can I face that day. I dont' want to. I don't want to be here then. I can't be here. I just can't. Pray for me, for us.

Wow, I went to that "soaking" website. I love it. I do listen to christian music as I have devotions. On tv...that contemporary station that plays music constantly. But I am going to look at that site more fully. It looks like something I would enjoy. Thank you.

Jenna....love your enthusiasm. I remember in mid school....that's when I remember you most...you were always cheerful......you haven't changed. Thanks for making me smile!

Pray for us today...in any way God leads you....thanks for reading, commenting, thinking of us, and praying for us.

Love,
Saundra