Well its been 3 months since I lost the love of my life. My help mate. My best friend. And I am feeling the pain tremendously today.
I woke with the "tear" in my heart today. It just seems to become bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. I asked God how long, Lord, how long must i endure? Again..if it weren't for my precious children he has given me. Yes, I am in the midst of that surprise tidal wave that I have heard so much about. How much longer Lord.
He reminds me of all He has done...He reminds me He is carries me, but I hurt so badly it just wont go away.
He is gone.
As I said in the last blog, last night I was moving things from the bedroom so that they can come in and lay some flooring. So I began doing that as soon as I was out of school yesterday. You know...how we put things in nook and crannies. Well, I found some of John's nook and crannies. And I cried. I found cards, meant for me....unsigned...his stash as he would say it. I found cards to me from him...signed with such loving thoughts and such great love. I found poems written to me.
Not many people know that John and I went through a difficult time in our marriage about last January. But, we renewed our love. It was as if we were newlyweds again. But, it took time. I found books that we had read together. Promises we had made to one another. Then I found the book that went with that movie ...I can't remember the name now...but it was a big christian movie about a marriage about to break up.....and he found the Lord.....Well, John's mom bought that for us for our last anniversary. And we were reading it. It is still marked in the last page we read together.
I ask again...not looking for an answer...because I know there isn't one...but why?
I love him this day as I loved him the last day I saw him. I love him.
This morning in devotions....I want to share....I know there is help in it. It has strengthened me....though I am in tears...naturally...I find hope in these words. This is from the book "Jesus Calling".
You are feeling weighted down by a plethora of problems...big and small. When the difficulties in your life feel as if they are closing in on you, break free by spending quality time with me. You need to remember who I AM in all My Power and Glory. Then, humbly bring Me your prayers and petitions. Your problems will pale when you view them in the Light of My Presence. You can learn to be joyful in Me, Your Savior, EVEN IN THE MIDST OF ADVERSE CIRCUMSTANCES. RELY ON ME, YOUR STRENGTH; I MAKE YOUR FEET LIKE THE FEET OF A DEER, ENABLING YOU TO GO ON THE HEIGHTS.
He has new heights for me to go.....he will enable me to go. As I feel today...I don't want to. I want to quit.... I want to give in. I don't want to climb anymore. I am tired.
Then I read this in Habakkuk 3:17-19...Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength, he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
It was there again. He will enable me. I don't see how....as I look at where I am. I am tired of the only one to make decisions for my kids, I am tired of the being the mean one, I am tired of being the head of the household.
I am tired of putting on a happy face, when all I feel is pain and hurt and sadness. But, because of the kids at school, and because of my children I lie to all of them, to myself. I am not happy. I am sad.
But, as David is teaching in Sunday School...in this circumstance...I am becoming more like Him. He is changing me. Though it is painful, though I don't understand...I must go on...whether I want to or not.
Pray for me.
Pray for my kids.
Pray for Peace.
Not by might
Not by power
but by my spirit says the Lord.
Don't know how long I have to hang on,
but when My power comes in...you will live.
These mountains will be removed,
I will build my temple in you
and what I promise shall be done,
Not by might
Not by power
but by my Spirit says the Lord.
(I didn't plan to type that...but that song came on as I was typing....and I just had to see the words)
Pray for me today.