Thurs. February 18, 2010

Wow, I feel so put to shame. You have all been so faithful in reading my blog and I have let you down. Isaac has been sick, I didn't feel good one evening.....so I just haven't had time to sit down and talk with you. You are my friends, and I feel like I have let you down. I will try to do better.

Things have been alright here. Yesterday was not a good day. It is funny how I can see the Lord working but at the same time I see the enemy trying to defeat me.

I woke yesterday with a longing for John. I missed him so much. But I did my devotions, and prayed about it, talked to God about it, and yep....even read about it! And I told Sallye that by the time I left my "prayer chair" I was calm, and peaceful. Then I went to school and someone said something to me that I know was meant for good, but just set me way back....I mean way back. So that set the tone for my day. I was downcast. (you know when I used to read that in the Psalms about David....that he was downcast, I didn't really know what he meant....I do now)...so I was sitting at lunch and I get a text from David. He tells me that from a hospital bill that was $160,000, I only have to end up paying 417.50. Praise the Lord! That is something I was worried about. I told Sallye...when am I going to learn that God always goes ahead of my worries!!!!!

Then I came home and dreaded, just dreaded fixing dinner....put in some premade macaroni dish...then the only one that ate with me...in the living room, was Matthew. I just felt like a looser of a mom. Defeated again.

Then later in the evening Sallye and Jeff show up with flooring for the girls bathroom. We are going to change the back bathroom to the girls (that includes me), and the front to the boys, since that is where our bedrooms are closer to. I was thrilled.

Then they began to talk about flooring for the bedroom. It was a moment of mixed emotions for me. Rachel's birthday is next week, I know she wants a sleepover, but when I asked her she said she didn't know. Well, I know why. Her mom is sleeping with her! And I could do that forever. But, I know I can't. It scares me. To be alone in there...to be in bed alone in there. I told Sallye it may help to get a smaller bed. I have a Queen now...maybe a double would be better. It wouldn't feel so empty. But then I told her how I loved my bed...the style and all. But it is big....so big when it is half empty.

So, I know it has got to be done. It sounds like Jeff is going to try to find some guys to help him put the floor in the bedroom. He tried to find a flooring company to work with him and just couldn't. So he thinks he can do with the help of other guys. So, if you know of anyone that can help him, call him.

But pray for me as this transformation takes place. It is with such mixed emotions. If it stays like it is.....and I have used it as storage....I don't have to sleep in there...I can sleep with Rach. But, I know I can't do that forever. Pray for me. it is heavy on my heart.

Matthew is still wonderful. I think he senses my need for people around me. He used to sit at the table and eat, but now he joins me in the living room. He is learning the ways of the Lord. He is growing in the Lord. He is so loving towards the kids. He loves me...I can see that. I remember that when he was at OWU, John said, "He is becoming the Matthew that I remember from a long time ago." Well, I am seeing it again. It is the Matthew with the soft, gentle spirit.

Isaac still has a very strong will. But I can tell your prayers are being heard and answered. Continue to pray that God guide his spirit, that God would begin to change his heart. That would see himself....just as God is seeing him. Just help him to become more like Christ would want him to be. It is hard to pray for him because I don't know if he understands all the spiritual aspects of God and the way he works. So, I just pray.

Hannah still continues to be sleepy a lot. She was actually in bed before me last night. And out. I think I am going to try some iron and supplements with her. She doesn't drink milk, I know she is on the go constantly...she could be anemic is what I have been suggested. So, I am going to try that first. Just pray for her. Pray for her spiritual journey.

Rachel....I think she is doing okay. She seemed preoccupied last night, but she did have a few things on her mind. My prayer for her is that God will perfect his will in her life. She understands...I know she does.

Be with our family as a whole. I want so much for there to be a an unbreakable bond between us...especially between the kids. I want them to love each other unconditionally. I want them to help each other on this journey.

Pray for all of their spiritual journeys. Like Kori said.....that is the most important things. What would I have done with out the Lord? I don't want my kids to find out.

Pray for our protection. I am still terrified when they are far away from me. I am so thankful for cell phones.

Pray for our peace.

Pray for the change in the bedroom. That I will be able to go through it with a peace that passes all understanding.

Just pray for us...anyway the Lord lays on your heart. He knows our needs better than I know myself. Let him lead you.

Love you so much,
Saundra