This week has been a cloud for me. Ever since Monday...I just don't feel anything....numb might be the word. Going thru the actions....
Yesterday was a blah day. Isaac and I got into it first thing in the morning. He called me a name that is just not acceptable. It was over something so trivial. You know I made a promise to him a while ago that I would not yell at him. And I have kept that promise. Even this morning. But I can't have him calling me that. It is so hard to discipline him when I KNOW he is still grieving and mourning John's loss.
Hannah played against OCS last night. It was a long drive!!! They had half time shoot outs as a fund raiser for our family. It was so sweet of them and I really appreciate them for doing it.
Lonely...I think that is what I feel.
Today, I was just out of it. My mind was so gone. I mean, poor Mrs. Benda she would have to repeat things to me several times before I would get it. I just couldn't focus. I know I am so worried about V day coming. But, I don't think I am necessarily dwelling on it. I don't know...I just don't like what i am feeling.
I did get some good news yesterday. Of course we all worry about the future education of our children. I am worried about how I will send 4 children to college. But I was talking to Mrs. Erin Toler and she just nonchalantly said something about Hannah wanting to go to SNU and the fund that they have set up to help her and the rest of them. I asked her what she was talking about and she asked me if I knew that they had set up a fund for Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel. The person that set it up is Phil White. Isn't that wonderful!!!! She said that all people have to do is send the money to Phil White for The Griffis Family and he would make sure it would go where it needs to go. She said that what more is that if one of them choose to not go to SNU, but somewhere else, that that money would follow them! I couldn't believe this had been done.
Well, I made dinner tonight. I hate it. Just hate cooking. But, I knew I had to. It is in the oven right now. I am trying to get up enough strength and will to eat at the table. But, I just don't know if I can do it. He isn't there!!!! He and I sat right next to each other. I already miss him now....I can't do that to myself.....
Pray that i overcome this melancholy that has me in its grips right now.
Pray that peace would come to all of us.
Pray that we form a bond as a new family. I realize that things will be different. Help each one of us to accept that difference and to bond with one another.
I just got a call from Rachel's softball coach from last summer. Rachel loved it! She loved to play catch with her daddy before the game. And was so proud of herself and would run to the fence and talk to him. I cry as I type this because I already feel the pain that I know she will feel and I will feel. It was something she absolutely loved. But, part of it was having daddy there. God, how will I live through this?
I just need his touch tonight. I need a song. I need a scripture.
Pray for all of us.
BTW....be watching the blog. Sallye told me that they will be ordering sweatshirts again since there was such a good response for some. She is going to get the details and I will relay them in the information box to the right.