Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Wednesday Evening Februray 11, 2010

This week has been a cloud for me. Ever since Monday...I just don't feel anything....numb might be the word. Going thru the actions....

Yesterday was a blah day. Isaac and I got into it first thing in the morning. He called me a name that is just not acceptable. It was over something so trivial. You know I made a promise to him a while ago that I would not yell at him. And I have kept that promise. Even this morning. But I can't have him calling me that. It is so hard to discipline him when I KNOW he is still grieving and mourning John's loss.

Hannah played against OCS last night. It was a long drive!!! They had half time shoot outs as a fund raiser for our family. It was so sweet of them and I really appreciate them for doing it.

Lonely...I think that is what I feel.

Today, I was just out of it. My mind was so gone. I mean, poor Mrs. Benda she would have to repeat things to me several times before I would get it. I just couldn't focus. I know I am so worried about V day coming. But, I don't think I am necessarily dwelling on it. I don't know...I just don't like what i am feeling.

I did get some good news yesterday. Of course we all worry about the future education of our children. I am worried about how I will send 4 children to college. But I was talking to Mrs. Erin Toler and she just nonchalantly said something about Hannah wanting to go to SNU and the fund that they have set up to help her and the rest of them. I asked her what she was talking about and she asked me if I knew that they had set up a fund for Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel. The person that set it up is Phil White. Isn't that wonderful!!!! She said that all people have to do is send the money to Phil White for The Griffis Family and he would make sure it would go where it needs to go. She said that what more is that if one of them choose to not go to SNU, but somewhere else, that that money would follow them! I couldn't believe this had been done.

Well, I made dinner tonight. I hate it. Just hate cooking. But, I knew I had to. It is in the oven right now. I am trying to get up enough strength and will to eat at the table. But, I just don't know if I can do it. He isn't there!!!! He and I sat right next to each other. I already miss him now....I can't do that to myself.....

Pray that i overcome this melancholy that has me in its grips right now.

Pray that peace would come to all of us.

Pray that we form a bond as a new family. I realize that things will be different. Help each one of us to accept that difference and to bond with one another.

I just got a call from Rachel's softball coach from last summer. Rachel loved it! She loved to play catch with her daddy before the game. And was so proud of herself and would run to the fence and talk to him. I cry as I type this because I already feel the pain that I know she will feel and I will feel. It was something she absolutely loved. But, part of it was having daddy there. God, how will I live through this?

I just need his touch tonight. I need a song. I need a scripture.

Pray for all of us.

Love,
Saundra
BTW....be watching the blog. Sallye told me that they will be ordering sweatshirts again since there was such a good response for some. She is going to get the details and I will relay them in the information box to the right.

6 comments:

Marydon Ford said...

Saundra ~ Time is your friend. It just breaks me terribly to see you suffer so ... I pray that He will soften your loss, mend your heart & help you.

Prayers & thoughts for & of you all is all we can do, support you in words ...

Hugs, TTFN ~ Marydon

Anonymous said...

Just a suggestion, but don't try to just get "though" Valentines Day. Make it something memorable in a positive way. Ask the kids for some ideas of something to do together. Make Valentines for each other and make a box to put in Valentines you all make for John. Continue to let him be a part of your day. Then, next Valentine's Day take them out and read them, and add new ones to the box.

I do not know the grief these important days cause, but I do know that we can take control of the days like this. You are more than a conqueror and can make those days a part of the victories you have had.

Maybe others have ideas who have walked in the same path. I know the kids have been very good at helping in decision that are hard. They want to be a part of the process for themselves as well.

Maybe it is too soon, but what a day to visit John. Pour out your love for him. Let the kids take some balloons to let go in expression of your love. Leave Valentines, or your Valentine box. Talk with Jay and Marilyn about things to do. There will never be a "good" time to go, so take charge of this day so you are not all just tossed and thrown about by the pain.

Take what you need from all I've written, throw out what won't work.

I love you and the kids.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about your day. I'm sure you have this verse memorized by heart, being John's favorite, but I don't see harm in being reminded of any scripture. "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7. One thing that is an awesome answered prayer is the college fund set up for your children! I think God is showing His love and compassion for you through all of the people in your community who love you and your family so much. Here are a few more verses that might be encouraging: Saundra, "because of my great love for you, you will not be consumed, for My compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is My faithfulness. Let Me be your portion. Wait for Me. I am good to those who place their hope in Me...to the ones who seek Me." Lamentations 3:22-25. Saundra, "I have heard your prayers. I have seen your tears. I will heal you." 2nd Kings 20:5. "I the God of all grace, who calls you to eternal glory in Me...after you have suffered a little while, I myself will restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." 1st Peter 5:10. You are so loved! Praying for you!

live compassionately said...

How wonderful about the money for the kids for college! That just thrilled my heart when I read that. I don't personally know you, but my niece was in John's class so I am aware of your family and I read your blog every day. Your family has been in my prayers and it really thrills me to see that the burden of college is being lifted off of you. I'm so sorry for the loss you all are facing right now and I pray that you will continue to grow stronger as a family as well as grow stronger in your individual relationships with Christ.

Also, I have a music suggestion for you. If you have never listened to Shane & Shane, you should check them out. They are a Christian duo and they are incredible. I have 2 of their albums - Psalms and Pages and I absolutely love them. Their music really speaks to me.

Kristin Moyer :)

Anonymous said...

Saundra- The information people need to donate to the fund at SNU is:

Southern Nazarene University
c/o Phil White
6729 NW 39th Expressway
Bethany, OK 73008

Just write in the memo of the check: Griffis Family Fund

I pray there is a huge outpouring for your children! Love and prayers-Erin

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
It was so touching seeing you out there with Hannah tonight at the all state presentation. What amazing children you have! You are in my thoughts everyday. I read your blog everyday. I know your journey is long but I know that is God is good. So wonderful to hear about the kid's college.
Annie Duggan