Feb. 20, 2010 Sat. a.m

Well, a new day dawns.

Yesterday was hard. So hard. I think this was the first day where I just didn't care that the kids saw me cry. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. If I didn't let them see me cry and hurt, I would have had to leave school. It was pretty much all day.

I left home crying. I gave Matthew his letter from john, that I had found. Then had to leave. I didn't really want to be there when he read it. I don't know how he reacted when he read it, or how he felt. You know he doesn't share much of his feeling with me. But I hope it encouraged him some, to know how much his dad loved him and believed in him.

Then I got to school and still could not contain myself. I just cried. I shut myself in Mrs. Benda's room before school started and just let it come. Bekki walked in unexpectedly and right away she empathized with me. Trying to comfort me. I think the reason it poured in there was because I had returned a book that she had got for John and I ...."His Needs, Her Needs" ..I returned it to her because I thought, "I will never need it, WE will never need it. It just killed me to think that.

Then I went to Mrs. Adams room to teach for a little bit while she was gone for a while. I was still weak with tears, weak with strength. I got their attention (all 6th graders) and was honest with them. As I cried I told them that I was having a bad day and that I couldn't talk or teach. And I told them that I was going to stay in there, but I was going to let the aid handle the class. She did a great job, the kids were awesome. They sat quietly, respecting my needs. Margaret Ann did come back and we went into her office and I shared with her what had happened, how I was feeling. She hugged me and held me. Just held me.

As I left her room I was still crying. Yes, there were kids in the hall. Yes, they saw me crying. But I could not control the tears. Just could not.

I went to my next assigned room, which Bekki was in. By then, I think the word had gotten around to the the teachers that it wasn't a good day for me. Mrs. Wetwiska brought me a coffee...and I sensed her love and mercy as she handed it to me. I sensed a love from Bekki that moved me. I could tell she felt for me.

The rest of the day was similar to that. If one person asked me how I was I would cry.

I could not wait to get home. I did, climbed in my recliner, pulled a blanket up close and cried. Then began to relax and sleep. After I have cried that much I am just emotionally drained. Sallye showed up unexpectedly and I was able to pour my feelings out, and let the tears roll. By the time she left I was feeling better.

I took the boys (Hannah was at the school preparing for the game, Rach was with a friend) and we went to Quedoba and ate. It was nice to be with them. We laughed some. But there is always something....someone missing. I know we all sense it, but we never mention it....probably too afraid we will have a crying fest.

Went to the game. Jay and Marilyn and Sallye and Jeff met us there. Sallye just has a way of making me laugh. And we laughed the whole night.

Came home...Isaac had Brady spend the night, Rach had Morgan spend the night. I slept on the couch. It just was all so wrong. There was so much missing. No one will ever know.

In my devotions this morning...the Lord showed me three words over and over. COMPASSION: He has compassion on me. He knows my heart..He feels my pain. He knows. COMFORT: He will comfort me. He has a lot of practice in that. PEACE: He will give me peace.

While I do feel better this morning. I still hurt in an unexplainable way. But I am thankful that God knows my heart. He knows my needs. And he makes promises as he did above. I...it is my job, to trust those words. That is what you can pray for. That I will trust His word and I will see these promises come to pass.

Pray for Rach...and me. Her birthday is next week. It is so hard for me to plan things. John used to help in such a big way with this stuff. So, it is really hard for me. My mind gets mixed up, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. I try to do what she wants to do...especially for this birthday. I want it to be so special. But I don't know how. John always knew how to make their birthdays special. He was so good with the kids. So pray that I find wisdom, a sound mind, and ideas...and strength to do what she wants to do.

Pray for Matthew. He seems to have found a girl he likes. Yes, Jeff Lyles daughter. I laugh. I knew John is too. As Jeff and John were best friends. But, I want him to take it slow. I don't know if that is in his vocabulary. Oh, i love her. But, he gives his feelings away so quickly....pray for God's guidance in this. He is also going up to play golf at Roman Nose today. So, I will worry all day. Pray for his protection on the road...and where ever he may be. Also, he is starting to qualify again for a tournament. Pray that the coach find favor with him this time. Pray that God be with his hands, his arms, his eyes and his mind as he golfs...that the best will come from him.

Be with Hannah. I have had so many of you mention iron. I am going to start her on an iron supplement. I know John had to take them as well as myself. So, I can't wait to get her started on them. I found out that Friday she got permission from one of her teachers....they weren't doing anything in the class because of computer break down...that she got permission to go sleep in the locker room!! I didn't mind that only that that is so much sleep for her! She came home and pretty much, after I asked her to do a few things....went straight to bed. So pray that she begin to have strength and I have wisdom.

Pray for Isaac. I thick I said yesterday that I dint know how to pray for him. He has a heart need, a heart change. Pray that God will change his heart. He has been sick Mon - Wed. So he has missed a ton of work. Pray that he will get caught up with his work.'

Pray for my Rach. Pray, that as her heart is already tender that God begin His work in her. That she will begin to understand His ways. And that she will be drawn to his will.

Pray for all of us today. That we will receive safety, peace, strength and wisdom from our Father.

Love to you all,
Saundra