Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Well here it is Sunday afternoon. I have made it that far and have not cried a whole lot. I cried a little in Sunday School when we talk about circumstances making us more like Him. How we don't choose the circumstance, but it is there and we need to let Christ work in it to make us more like Him. That made me sad, in only that I did not choose this road, nor would I ever choose this road...ever....but here I am....and Dave is is making me more and more like Christ. I WANT that more than anything. I want to be in His perfect will, in his perfect presence, daily. To do that, I must live in this circumstance to fulfill His Purpose for me. I was moved again by Dave's lesson. I believe that He has been anointed by God to give this lesson. I know, for one, I am ready and needing to hear it.

I just want to take this minute to thank Coach Brown and all who purchased those sweatshirts. I didn't know that that was going to happen until Coach Brown told me a few days before the announcement/presentation. We are so blessed. Thank you.

So, I made it through church. Went to dinner at Jay and Marilyns. Again, feeling melancholy. Missing John being there. Then I began to think that next week was Jonathon's birthday....and we were celebrating it on Sunday...the 14th. I had to swallow a lump in my throat. I did ask him what he wanted. But all that kept going thru my mind was that that was Valentines Day.

During Sunday School I kept thinking the same thing. I don't know if I will be able to go to church/Sunday School next Sunday. Everyone will be celebrating. In Sunday School I know it will be mentioned. I just don't know if I can do it. The pastor talked about next Sundays sermon, how it was on desire....and it was Valentines Day. I just don't know if I can handle that kind of talk.

I really don't know if I can handle Jonathon's birthday party. In the back of my mind I know what day it will be. AND, I don have to do something for my kids. It makes me sick to think of that. Sick. I don't know if I want to do anything for the kids. BUT, I know I don't have a choice. It hurts so much friends, it hurts. Pray for me.

Isaac has begged me since last week to let him have a super bowl party with some of his friends. I hesitated...a lot. Just because I didn't know if I could deal with "happiness, and fun." But I knew I had to think of him. So, In about 1 1/2 hours I will be hosting a Superbowl party for Isaac. I am nervous about it and really am scared about it, but Matthew said he would stay with me and make them mind.

So Hannah and I went to Target to get a few snacks. While there I thought I would get a Birthday card to Jonathon and a thank you for my little friend Harden. I never thought going into a card isle could make a person so sick to their stomach. First, I remembered that John usually picked out the boys cards....making them funny of course. Then I saw the husband's birthday cards. And I realized that I would never buy one of those again. That my kids would never buy a daddy birthday card again. Then, I began to think of all the occasions that we wouldn't have him. Father's Day, Birthday, Mother's Day, kids birthdays, and I started to feel like I was losing control of my emotions again. I just wanted out of there. I got my cards and did just that.

Now, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It will be there until I can get a grip on my emotions, my thoughts. The enemy might think he won this battle , but he is so wrong. I still believe that God will rescue me, that He will restore me. That he is my saviour. My God, in whom I trust.

Matthew is doing so well. I just love him when he is like this. Just carefree, happy, helpful etc. It certainly makes my life so much easier.

Isaac has been a little easier to deal with, but since he is having his way with this get together I think that makes a difference. Its if I had chosen not to that he would be miserable to live with right now!

Hannah is going to the church to do the super thingy there. Rach is having a friend over. So, I hope it is a quiet night regardless.

Pray for our peace. We still need peace.

Pray for each of the kids to have a deep desire to love and serve our Lord. That they will REALLY know Him.

Pray for Matthew to finish his work from OWU. He has Erin Toler who is helping him from SNU. She is being his proxy...I think it help him. I hope they can get together soon.

Pray for my wisdom. I need wisdom to take care of my children, my home, my finances, every day things that I have to do to survive and to make the right choices.

Thanks for all your help, care,concern,and prayers. I know that your prayers, that God hears, are helping me so much. It is so good, that when I am feeling a little down, that I know that someone else is praying for me. God hears them all......

Please let me know if you are interested in the black "G" shirts so I can let Sallye know whether we should order more or not.


Anonymous said...

Saundra, I just want to say that I think it's okay for you not to want to be a part of Sunday school and church next week. I think that's a different kind of thing than just not wanting to go like before. Since you know that the topic will probably be hard to listen to and be hurtful then I don't think you should put yourself through that. I don't know if others would agree but that's my thought on that.

You know, there are all kinds of church services online, maybe just that one day you could find one of those and watch a message that will be completely different - not about Valentine's day or marriage or anything like that. Life Church has some great messages archived - you could watch one of those and still feel like you went to church to a certain degree.

Don't be too hard on yourself for not wanting to be there next week. It's okay to avoid some things that are extremely painful. Some things are a necessary step to be able to move forward in life but some aren't really going to matter in the grand scheme of things. Does that make sense? I hope so! :)

Love you friend!

james dyer said...

rose and i would like one we missed out original. 2(2x) would be great. how much will that be. you can text or call with an amount and when & where to pick up.

peace & grace

Anonymous said...


As usual your post made me cry. I just can't get over how really proud I am of you! I know that you don't think you are doing well sometimes but, wow, when you talk about knowing that God has you walking through this to grow you and mature you and draw you closer to Him, it just amazes me. I know that it doesn't make everything okay but He will honor your commitment and your attitude!!

Hope to see you soon so I can give you another hug!


Melissa said...

It's funny, but I thought of you this weekend when I was purchasing my Valentines Day cards. I'll be praying for you. It's also my Mom's first one without my Dad. I used to spend a long time reading all the cards - I'm pretty much a sap! But now, that aisle puts a knot in my stomach.

We had the best neighbors when we lived by you. You're such a remarkable Mom. Please know you're in our prayers.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Donetta. You don't need to go to church next week if it is too hard. You are amazing. I'm so proud of you, and love to read the way the Lord is making himself so real to you.

I wanted to tell you (about 2 weeks late) how much it meant to Morgan what you wrote about Rachel's first day back in Science. She said, "Mom, that is exactly what I was thinking when Rach walked in the room! I was so proud of her!" I hear stories EVERY DAY about the fun our girls have at school. Morgan loves Rach so so much. I'm praying for all of Rachel's friends to be sensitive to the Spirit in every interaction with her. I know He is doing that! Love you!

Jenna said...

hearing everything about the kids is so great! Matthew seems to really be fitting in to his "man" role. & Isaac will just have to come with time.. his age is hard no matter what else is going on in your life. just keep that in mind.

Anonymous said...

Things must be hard, but I hope that they will get better for you. You will always have support, from God, from myself, and from others. You are never alone. My friend and I were talking and she showed me her favourite Bible verse, and I immediately thought of you.
1 Letter of John, Chapter Four
Versus 7-10
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we may live through him.This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Love and Prayers.