Monday, February 15, 2010

Feb.15, 2010..Monday p.m.

God is good. God is Great! He is so faithful!

I think the things I was most worried about yesterday he just carried me right through.......the first of course was church. Oh, how I dreaded going. But, it was very inspirational.

Then I was worried even more about Sunday School. Being mostly married couples I was so afraid what would be talked about. It was talked a little bit at the beginning, and I teared up...just a little...but called on My Lord....and he came to me and comforted me.

Then,I was worried about going to my in-laws. While I knew that it was pretty much agreed by all that Valentines day would not be was all on our minds and in our hearts why it was not. We celebrated the life of Jonathon which helped the hurt a little easier to !!!!! I have always hated being along since....but it was okay. I took a little nap, watched a little tv, and talked to my sister in Illinois on the computer.

As I crawled into bed last night I thought back over the day and that poem about God Carrying You in the sand and there are no footprints. I thought if my day could have a picture...that is what you would find. That you would see two sets of footprints going to church, one set at church, two coming home and going to Marilyn's, one set at Marilyn's, two coming home....and one while I sat alone at the house. He carried me so much yesterday. I know it without a doubt.

I had a Holy calm about me. I can't explain it, except to say....He was with me.

Today was a good day. God was with me all day. I felt his presence and we even found time to talk with each other throughout the day at school. Because there are still times when I could sit and cry...but He picks me up and holds me, till I feel strong enough to go on again.

This evening I did have a moment. I was sharing with Jeff and Sallye that both Jay and I have a very hard time when we drive into the driveway. See, John fell off the roof right in the corner between the house and the garage. That is what I saw when I rounded the corner that dreadful day. That is what Jay saw when he rounded the corner that day. That is what we all saw. Though Jay is the only one that has mentioned it to me.

But every single time I drive in...I see John lying there, with the paramedics working on him. I see him. He is there. I can't stand it. Jay agrees with me that that vision comes to us every time. Well, tonight I was waiting for Isaac to get in the car and I looked up...and I saw him. It just did something to me. It set me back. It just made me sick. I couldn't eat...all I could see was John lying there...his eyes....staring blankly up at the sky, oh, I can't go on. Just pray for us. It is unavoidable at this point, but Jeff and Sallye and I are trying to come up with something to change that. It is an awful place.

Matthew is doing great. He is such a sweet boy. He is the boy that John and I kept hoping would come back someday. I wish John could be here to enjoy him like I am.

Continue to pray for him and his relationship with the Lord. My prayer is that he will realize how important it is and crave a personal relationship with Him. Also, I have contacted OWU, and Erin Toler has contacted them to make sure that Matthew has really completed all of his work. Pray that they will get back with us. We are having trouble getting responses. Though Mrs. Toler does have a way with them. Just pray that the professors be satisfied with what he has done and release him.

I worry about Hannah. She seems to be so tired all the time. She will, if she can, come home from school at 3:30 and sleep until I wake her for dinner, then she will sleep for the rest of the night. She came home from work last night at 9 and walked (about 15 min) she was sound to sleep. Very difficult to wake up. Then tonight she got home around 4 , at dinner at 5, fell asleep and slept until I made her wake up at 7:30. Now she is already in bed at 9:30. So pray that either I have wisdom to know what to do, or that she will get the rest that her body obviously needs.

Pray also that she will desire to have a personal relationship with Our Lord. I know she needs one. Please pray for her.

Pray for Isaac and his attitude. He seems so angry all the time. Pray that the Lord will soften his heart and bring him to Him. Help him to see himself as the Lord sees him. Pray that I have patient and wisdom in how to deal with him.

Pray for Rach. As the Lord, I know, is already beginning a work in her that she will have open ears and eyes to his will for her life.

Pray for protection for all of us. For His hedge of angels around us.

Kori, that sounds like a great idea with the sweatshirts. Sallye does read the blog and had already read this.

We will be starting to find avenues to announce that they are coming so people can prepare to buy them.

Wow, I just want to tell you again, how much I appreciate each of you. You really are inspiration for me to keep going. That there is hope. I love each and every comment you leave for me. I really do look forward to reading them. Most of you have been so faithful......your reward is in Heaven I am sure.

I love you all,


Anonymous said...

I had started to write the Footprints poem for you yesterday but didn't. It has helped me to remember he is carrying me when I feel so alone. Looks like God gave you the message after I prayed for you last night. Trust him to lift you up and carry you when you need him too. Pat

Jenna said...

that first line "God is good. God is Great! He is so faithful!" makes me sooooo happy!!! Oh my goodness.. it brought the biggest smile to my face! you are making huge strides!! sooo proud! still praying. :]

Anonymous said...


Just let me know when and where and I will get the sweatshirts set up at soccer!

Hannah has really been on my heart this week. I saw her play in the bb game last week and she was just such a go-getter! I was really proud of her! It sounds like she may be dealing with some depression issues with all of the sleeping. Of course, something could be physically causing this because she is always on the go. I just know that last year I had a bout with depression and wanted to do NOTHING but sleep. It shuts off everything and you don't have to think. I'm sure that you know all of this it just occurred to me when I read your post. I will pray that she really finds someone to confide in and talk to about her loss, that will probably help alot. I am always praying for each of your children and for mine for their eternal salvation.
That is really more important than anything else and when our relationship with the Lord is good He helps us with everything else!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

What a tremendous praise about Matthew! That is great news. We are still here, still praying. I continue to be so proud of you Saundra..I know you don't always feel like fighting but you keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I saw you in Sunday School on Valentine's Day, I had a lump in my throat for you. That must have taken so much courage to come.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

So many good things, Saundra! I'm so excited for you. :) It always makes me happy when I can read and get a smile from something you've said. :) I'm so sorry about the difficulty in the driveway. I can't imagine how hard that must be every time. I pray that God will bring you comfort in that area or show you a way to "fix" it. I know it can never really be fixed but I know that God can work miracles that we can't even understand.

Praying for you and the kids!

Anonymous said...

Wow! This is so encouraging. You have been so courageous and it is helping you to grow. Something you should be proud of! Continuing to pray for you all...

JJ said...

I am so very happy that God is carrying you and that you feel it as well. I cannot fathom the stress this last weekend brought, but it seems the blessings outweighed the dread. God provided, and I am happy for you and your family. I will continue praying for each child and their specific needs. I pray you find a great solution for your driveway and that God softens that vision. You all may have post-traumatic-stress regarding that scene. Maybe some specific counseling for this issue may help? Celebrating the good with you and praying for continual healing!

Anonymous said...

Saundra & family,
I've been keeping up with your progress through this blog, and I can tell God is with each of you. I pray for you, Saundra- and for each of the kids and for Jay & Marilyn.

About the accident scene- I had "flashbacks" to the traumatic scenes my husband went through. They come without warning, and knock you to your feet. They will "soften" with time and your precious memories will take over the "Trauma."

Perhaps, you can plant a tree or bush or place a statue or some significant thing your family decides on in that spot. As a family, when you put his "memorial" there, you could tie "Memory cards" to the tree (or whatever you put there). Make it a very special and blessed family occasion when you do this. That will help make the "bad memory trigger" to be bathed in good memories. Just a suggestion to think about.

All those encouraging words John said to each of you will remain to cheer you on in your life at just the right times- like at sporting events, holidays and everyday life. You may not have the comfort of his physical presence, but his spirit is alive, well and cheering you on towards your finish line.

Love you!