Feb 8, 2010, Tuesday

I have about 30 minutes then I am off to see my attorney. But I wanted to get on here while I could just to let you know how things go.



Monday was not a good day. I was talking to a very loving and sensitive co-worker. One who only wants to help. But ended up in our talking , making me cry. As I left the office, I was crying, holding back a sob. In the past, when I was upset, or needed a shoulder, I would go straight to John's room and pull him out for assurance, love, whatever he knew I needed. As I was walking down the hall, I found myself, without thinking, heading towards his room. Then I realized...he wasn't there. He would never be there. I started sobbing. I went straight to the office. I knew I had to get out of there because I was about to lost control of my emotions. I told Tammy I had to leave, she took one look and knew. I went to Jay and Marilyns and she met me at the door....with arms opened wide. She just let me cry. I told them what had happened. And of course they understood. I stayed there for about 2 hours, and then returned to school. But it seemed that for the rest of the day I was on the verge. I missed him so much.



Then Isaac had a game at Bridgecreek. Jay, Matthew and I went. Isaac played the best game he has played all season. I jokingly asked him, "Did you tell the coach, 'see what I can do when given the opportunity'? He laughed. But all I could think was how proud John would be of him.



Something I would say of irony happened this weekend. I found out that Matthew is talking, and I do mean talking....you know,,,,those talk into the wee hours of the morning, to one of John's best friends daughter. I don't know how they come to know each other. I don't know if it is just a friendship relationship. I don't even know if it means anything. But, as a mother, hoping her son finds "the right one" I can only hope, but then laugh at the irony of it all. Matthew being involved with John's best friend (in high school,and still loved him). I can see John smiling in Heaven now. Then, I have to tell myself that this could be the person I have praying for to come into Matthew's life that he could talk to. She is just the type. She is like her mom in so many ways. And I know her mom is very sensitive. She could be my answer to my prayers.

It doesn't matter. It is in God's control. I see such a change in Matthew. He has, as you know, been trying to qualify for the Golf tournament in Arizona with the SNU golf team. He found out yesterday he didn't make it. I think I was hurt more than him. At least he didn't show it. He was like, "Well, maybe next time." You just have to know that that is not how it would have been 1 month ago!!!! God has touched him in an incredible way.

Then I got an email from Megan Wilds. She is the Creative Dance Instructor at church. Rachel is in that group. She emailed me because she said she felt led to invite me to the second service this Sunday because she would be singing to Kyle's song "Restore Me". I could only know that this was God's will for me. I had been praying for an answer as to what to do this Sunday. I told Megan, who hadn't even known my thoughts that I felt that God was using her. She said she didn't know how I would feel about it, but felt so led.

So, I plan to attend second service this Sunday. I don't know what message God has for me...but I believe in my heart that that is where He wants me. "Where He leads me I will follow", and not ask questions. Pray for me.

Isaac is really being rebellious these past few days. My prayer for him is that God would give him eyes to see him as God sees him. I pray that God would soften his heart towards the things of God. Pray with me.

Hannah and Rachel are both doing okay.

Pray for all of us. Pray for God to surround us. Let his angels guard us. I am in the midst of memorizing Psalm 91.....
He that dwells in the presence of the almighty shall abide in the shadow of the most high.
I will say of my God, my refuge and my fortress.
He will not allow the enemy to snare me,
nor allow the deadly pestilence to touch me.

That is as far as I have gotten....but what promise in just these few verses. His promises are true.

Well, I need to go. I don't want to be late. My prayer requests the most...the first of course is that each of the kids come into a personal relationship with our Saviour.

Peace, safety and a bond between all of us.

Donetta, thanks for your comment. I still have a few days till Sunday. Pray that God will strengthen me for what He has asked of me.

Jana, those girls are God's blessing in Rachel's life. I don't know where she would be with out them. They are God's gifts to her....and to ME!!!

Love you all,
Saundra