Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feb 8, 2010, Tuesday

I have about 30 minutes then I am off to see my attorney. But I wanted to get on here while I could just to let you know how things go.

Monday was not a good day. I was talking to a very loving and sensitive co-worker. One who only wants to help. But ended up in our talking , making me cry. As I left the office, I was crying, holding back a sob. In the past, when I was upset, or needed a shoulder, I would go straight to John's room and pull him out for assurance, love, whatever he knew I needed. As I was walking down the hall, I found myself, without thinking, heading towards his room. Then I realized...he wasn't there. He would never be there. I started sobbing. I went straight to the office. I knew I had to get out of there because I was about to lost control of my emotions. I told Tammy I had to leave, she took one look and knew. I went to Jay and Marilyns and she met me at the door....with arms opened wide. She just let me cry. I told them what had happened. And of course they understood. I stayed there for about 2 hours, and then returned to school. But it seemed that for the rest of the day I was on the verge. I missed him so much.

Then Isaac had a game at Bridgecreek. Jay, Matthew and I went. Isaac played the best game he has played all season. I jokingly asked him, "Did you tell the coach, 'see what I can do when given the opportunity'? He laughed. But all I could think was how proud John would be of him.

Something I would say of irony happened this weekend. I found out that Matthew is talking, and I do mean talking....you know,,,,those talk into the wee hours of the morning, to one of John's best friends daughter. I don't know how they come to know each other. I don't know if it is just a friendship relationship. I don't even know if it means anything. But, as a mother, hoping her son finds "the right one" I can only hope, but then laugh at the irony of it all. Matthew being involved with John's best friend (in high school,and still loved him). I can see John smiling in Heaven now. Then, I have to tell myself that this could be the person I have praying for to come into Matthew's life that he could talk to. She is just the type. She is like her mom in so many ways. And I know her mom is very sensitive. She could be my answer to my prayers.

It doesn't matter. It is in God's control. I see such a change in Matthew. He has, as you know, been trying to qualify for the Golf tournament in Arizona with the SNU golf team. He found out yesterday he didn't make it. I think I was hurt more than him. At least he didn't show it. He was like, "Well, maybe next time." You just have to know that that is not how it would have been 1 month ago!!!! God has touched him in an incredible way.

Then I got an email from Megan Wilds. She is the Creative Dance Instructor at church. Rachel is in that group. She emailed me because she said she felt led to invite me to the second service this Sunday because she would be singing to Kyle's song "Restore Me". I could only know that this was God's will for me. I had been praying for an answer as to what to do this Sunday. I told Megan, who hadn't even known my thoughts that I felt that God was using her. She said she didn't know how I would feel about it, but felt so led.

So, I plan to attend second service this Sunday. I don't know what message God has for me...but I believe in my heart that that is where He wants me. "Where He leads me I will follow", and not ask questions. Pray for me.

Isaac is really being rebellious these past few days. My prayer for him is that God would give him eyes to see him as God sees him. I pray that God would soften his heart towards the things of God. Pray with me.

Hannah and Rachel are both doing okay.

Pray for all of us. Pray for God to surround us. Let his angels guard us. I am in the midst of memorizing Psalm 91.....
He that dwells in the presence of the almighty shall abide in the shadow of the most high.
I will say of my God, my refuge and my fortress.
He will not allow the enemy to snare me,
nor allow the deadly pestilence to touch me.

That is as far as I have gotten....but what promise in just these few verses. His promises are true.

Well, I need to go. I don't want to be late. My prayer requests the most...the first of course is that each of the kids come into a personal relationship with our Saviour.

Peace, safety and a bond between all of us.

Donetta, thanks for your comment. I still have a few days till Sunday. Pray that God will strengthen me for what He has asked of me.

Jana, those girls are God's blessing in Rachel's life. I don't know where she would be with out them. They are God's gifts to her....and to ME!!!

Love you all,


Anonymous said...

Praying for you today that it will be better than yesterday. Pat

Sister Chris said...

Saunie, do you realize how much we all love you and the kids up here? Our pain is magnified by the distance that separates up. Oh, to just be able to come over and hold you while you cry. I want to cry with you in presences. My heart is longing for the days of peace to come to you in more abundance. A peace in the midst of circumstances. All who read your blog find comfort in the moments and days that you have strength, assurance, and peace beyond yourself. It is easier for us to see from the outside. I hope that words of what a strong woman you are becoming help you. We see the forward stride, yes, the backward ones, too, but you have moved forward farther that you think, farther than you can imagine. The steps forward and becoming greater that those ones that set you back.

You know I love the Sisterchick books by Robin Jones Gunn. She has such a way with words and uses the The Message Bible for scripture. Here are some bits for you today.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes along side us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."

You have known that comfort from others that have come along side you.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

From Sisterchicks on the Loose "You cast your net on the other side of the boat, and look at all the shimmering bits of glory you're pulling in now!"

You are pulling in bits of glory every day. God is giving you the eyes to see beyond what we who have never went through grief can see. He is giving you the strength to pull in the net. The fortitude to continue day to day. Continue to cast in your net! Continue to be amazed at the bits of glory you pull in.

Imagine that John, our grandparents, our friends are seeing not just the shimmering bits, but the whole of God's glory! It is our little shimmering bits that move us moment by moment toward the reunion we all long for.

I think I will go buy us some of those window shine things so we can be reminded of the fact that we see shimmering bits in pieces, but someday the whole! A reminder that everyday, God draws us closer to him bit by sparkling bit.

Be watching for you and the kids "shimmering bits of glory" in the mail. I need to find just the right ones!!

Love you so much it hurts.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that yesterday was so difficult. I hope today was better!! I'm sorry I wasn't able to get with you today. Hopefully another day soon though. :)

The things you shared about Matthew are so cool! I pray that things turn out very well for him with the girl and with golf.

And I will definitely pray that God will lead you in exactly the direction He wants you to go this Sunday. :)

Love you!

Grace Smith said...


I still find myself starting to pick up the phone to tell Dad about a great sale I saw. I'll be posting a song to your facebook called "Knowing you'll be there" that I believe you may identify with.

But, what growth you've made in such a short time. I can now see how journaling is so healing to us all.

God is with you.

Marydon Ford said...

Saundra ~ Each day He will bring you comfort & strength ... prayers & thoughts for you all.

Happy Valentine's ~
Have a wonderful week!
Hugs, TTFN ~ Marydon

Anonymous said...

I hope things went well with the attorney. You are so strong and I pray that God will continue to sustain you.
Love and Prayers.