Wednesday, February 3, 2010

February 3,2010 Wednesday evening

Today has been kind of a strange day. I have had strange feelings all day. One minute sad, the next contented. God keeps telling through his word that He is always near me. So today, when my mind would start to think of the past, or the what ifs, or the future....I would remember that He was near me...and that His word says: to think on those things which are true and pure and worthy of His Praise. And when I think on these things His Peace will be with me.

I felt like I quoted that a lot today. I guess I felt like I was fighting a battle. Trying to remain focused on Christ, as He has asked me to, yet being pulled the other way. Thoughts of John making me sad, thoughts of the kids without him, thoughts of the future, the kids future, etc...,would be right there trying to make me take my focus off Christ. .

When I got home from school I was exhausted. I don't know if it was from battling all day or just a long first day back. But I was exhausted. I tried to get a little nap in but the kids all had something to tell me or share with me, so I stayed awake and listened.

I went to Taco Bueno to get them something to eat. And it hit much John loved that place. I don't know if I was too tired to fight the battle or what...but I gave into the feeling of not wanting to go on. Just giving up. Missing him so much. I think I made myself sick enough that I couldn't eat a thing. But, as we were driving back home the music I listened to made me refocus my thoughts on Christ again.

But, one question that I know the enemy is using against me over and over again is, "Will I ever be happy again? I mean happy, like I was with John. Happy, content happy.????" And I have to be honest and say I don't know how I can be without him! It seems impossible. Then the Lord comes to me and reminds me that for Him, nothing is impossible.

It just seems that I am constantly battling for my mind and thoughts. It seems that I can't stay focused. So, I have to concentrate on that to be sure that my mind is on the things of God. I just wish the enemy would give up and give me some peace.

I do have a contentedness now. I spent the evening at Jay and Marilyn's. I always feel better when I spend some time with them. Maybe its because I know they are thinking and feeling the same thing. But it just feels good to be there.

Its kind of scary for me. It seems things are going pretty smoothly right now. I am waiting for the ball to drop. You know? Like I thought everything was good for John and I and then the ball dropped and look where I am now? So, I am afraid to get my hopes up, that , yea, maybe I am feeling better! Because if I say it, if I admit it, something might happen.

Keep us in your prayers. You that are so faithful to my blog. I really appreciate it. Knowing that some of you haven't forgotten me. That was something someone told me a few days after the service and I see it coming true. That everyone will be there for you .....for a while....then you fade into the past. I do see it happening. And it does hurt my feelings. But, life does go on for them. So, I really appreciate you my faithful ones!

Pray for peace for all of us.

Pray for the kids at school with their work. Isaac seems to be struggling a little bit.

Pray that God will give me wisdom in all things that I must do.

Pray that all of us will grow closer to the Lord. That the kids will have a deep desire to seek Him. Especially Hannah and Matthew. I want them to know Him, like I know Him. So when they have a bad day....they can seek His face, and know how to listen for His help.

Pray for Jay and Marilyn and Dawn.

I am having a hard time bringing this request up. Just saying it makes it hurt all over again. But, Jay,Marilyn and I need to pick out a headstone for....well you know. We are just dragging our feet to do it. We can't talk about it. Yet, it is there in front of us. It's just so hard. Pray for added strength, for wisdom, for peace that we can do it soon.

I love you guys for reading, commenting and I covet each and every thought and prayer!



Anonymous said...


I have been amazed at the number of people who have said they pray for me and my girls daily. I don't hear that from them often but they have been keeping it up.

There are so many people who continue to pray for you daily. I am one of them. I continue to pray for Matthew. I have prayed that you would sleep at night. I have prayed that you would feel God's mercy surrounding you.

Don't let the enemy get away with telling you that you are forgotten. You are not. So many people are praying. Yes, they go on with their lives but praying for you has become a part of that "going on."

Rest well tonight.

I go out praying,

Becky Beals

Anonymous said...

Saun (sb)

Praying for your strength.

Alisa said...

Our daughter has been quoting Mr. Griffis jokes this last week. They have been cracking us up! She always tells us that they are from him. And our youngest still reminds to pray for your family! Just wanted you to know you are not forgotten but thought and prayed for daily by our family.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,I haven't written anything for a while, but I want you to know that I read your blog everyday and pray for all of you every day at least once but usually more, I have been in your shoes and know it is important. You are not alone. Pat

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let u know that I care about u and your family. I read your blog every day. You are all in my thoughts an prayers.

Anonymous said...

I have been keeping up with your blog and continually praying for you and your family, and have only commented once before and I am sure there are many others like me. You and your family are not forgotten and are loved very much! Even for those who do not keep up with your blog continue to pray for your family-I'm sure there are many prayers at all times of the day for you and your family.
Your words have been inspiring to me and I like to know how I can pray specifically for your needs. One thing I have been praying for in addition to the prayer requests you mention, is for Matthew at SNU. I am a student at SNU (and graduate of Bethany a few years ahead of Matthew) and have been praying that he will feel welcome, comfortable, and at home here. I have only had the chance to see him and talk to him once but he is so kind, gentle, and such a pleasure to be with and reminds me so much of his dad.

Jenna said...

you may not feel like you're making it.. but you are. every second that you don't give up.. you've won! things will be okay again.. yes, life will be different.. but you will find happiness again. & it's okay to feel good & happy. you're supposed to feel that eventually. i love you.. keep an eye out for that surprise! :]

Anonymous said...

I have commented some, but since I don't know you personally, I kind of feel like a blog stalker. I read your blog everyday and pray for you and your family throughout the day. I haven't forgotten you or your family. I just don't want you to wonder who the stranger is that keeps leaving posts! Ha!

Jennifer P.

Anonymous said...

You are on the road less traveled, and are leaning on him th eright way. God never said easy is the narrow road, but as you are seeing he did say, but I will walk it with you. I am proud of your progress, dont let the enemy win any strongholds...Jeff, Enid

Will & Karis Stemen said...

Saundra, I read your blog everyday and am praying for you. I marvel at the strength that you have and just thank God for giving it to you. Have a great day in the Lord and always remember that He is doing more than you can see, think or feel at the moment. He loves you so much because He created you and you are His.

Love, Karis

Ami said...

I think it was at least 9 months or so before I got up the courage to even think about a headstone. It just was so hard to do. So don't make yourself go do something you are not ready to do. One day you will wake up and you will know it is the right time.
And I know that you will one day be truly happy and content and even joyful. And Satan leave you alone? Not right now. You are so vulnerable that he will throw every trick in the book at you. But just know that as long as you cling to God and pray for his protection over the hearts and minds of you and your family you defeat his every attempt. Stay strong-it will pay off. Eventually, he will see that he can't get to you and will back off. Then you can laugh in his face, that truly happy, contented joyful laugh. Count it a privilege to be in spiritual warfare. You must be doing things right or you wouldn't feel so attacked.
I love you and am continuing to pray for you guys.

Anonymous said...

I know you probably feel that no one really understands what your going through, and they won't. While many have lost a loved one, it's not the same. You are unique, and your relationship with John was unique, but we all know what pain feels like. You already know that you have to hurt before you can really feel happiness, but it's hard to believe it. I hope that you won't be afraid of hoping. Always praying.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

As I have been thinking about how much fog we have had lately in the OKC area, it seems as though it coincides with the general mood since John's passing. In my mind, I know that the sun still exists above the clouds and fog, even though I can't see it every day.

I know that in the midst of your fog-filled journey, God is always present. Even if you can't always feel His presence.

I do read your blog and pray for you faithfully. I am praying that you will continue to fight the good fight with the wisdom and strength that comes only from God.

Sending you hugs and prayers,

Teresa H.

Anonymous said...

God showed me this verse...
"therefore, draw close to God, and he will draw close to you. Resist the devil and he will flee from you!" -James 4:7

Kristie said...

Saundra, I saw you at the game tonight, but we were leaving shortly after you arrived and I didn't get an opportunity to come over and say hello .... so I thought I would do it now. :)

Also, I thought you might think this story was funny: Every day in my kids' lunch box I put a note of some kind. Typically its a cute or funny picture out of an animal calendar and I write on the back, but I also have a couple of kids' joke books that I will tear a page out of and send. The kids rarely mention them, but the other day Kellen came home after school and said, "Mom, did you read the joke before you put it in my lunch box today?" and I said, "Yes, why?" and he replied, "Because Mr. Giffis already told us that joke this year!!" He thought it was great ...... and I loved that he has such a happy memory of John's class. :)

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I just wanted to let you know how much I look up to you. You are going through the worst time of your life but you still get on here and update it every day and you have so much strength it shows God hands all over it. Also the way you talk about your relationship with the Lord just makes me want mine with him even stronger. You are an amazing woman and a true example that God is real. I don't see how anyone could read this blog and not feel the presence of the Lord. I love you and your family a lot and I'm praying for you every day.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Griffis,
my name is Rebekah and I am now a sophmore but when I was in 6th grade Mr. Griffis was my math teacher. He is one of my favorite teachers and of course you know why. One of my favorite things about him was how he could always make anyone laugh no matter what. I remember at the begining of the school year I saw him walking and I stopped to say hi. I asked him to tell me jokes all the time and he never got tired of me. He was such an inspirational person and I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Anyways I just wanted to say that I read your blog every day and then say a special prayer for you and your family. You're inspirational in the way you are so devoted. I pray that God will help you in whatever you need.
Sincerely, Rebekah

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for you and keep up with you all.

Mindy S.

Anonymous said...

Like so many have already commented, there are several of us that read your blog to know how to adjust our daily prayers for you and your family. We may not always take time to send a special note, but I think you have built a wide prayer base. The Griffis Family is not forgotten! Christy

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, Saundra. Praying that the enemy will give you some peace this weekend. I fought off the urge tonight, but next time I see you, I'm just going to do it and give you a big hug. I'm so glad you make it to Hannah's games. I can't imagine how hard it is to go into the gym and then tonight to stand in front of everyone. God Bless You! I'm blessed by seeing you there. I also have to tell you that picking out a headstone for my parents was very difficult. I don't know if this would be helpful or not, but I made 3 or 4 trips to finalize it. The first was to get ideas, to look at the colors, to figure out a size, etc. Then, I looked at the cemetary and other headstones to see what style, design, or whatever looked nice (take a tape measure). Of course, none of them look nice....but, what did I like? Then, the words. Oh, and what do you say? How can you put everything you want to say on that piece of rock? But I liked some of the headstones that had sayings from kids or grandkids. And I liked having their anniversay date on the front. Some use symbols, some pictures. Lots of options. Something for you to think about. No need to rush through it. Give yourself a break if you need it. You can always go back later and not have to do it all in one sitting. I would like to tell you that I found some of the best pricing at Southwest Monument. You can look at their website at to get some basic ideas. When you don't know where to start, that's a good place. They have a photo gallery that shows different monuments they've done. But no matter what, I'm sure he won't complain. :)(I hope that doesn't upset you. It was something that acutally made me smile when told to me during that time.) It's really more for us I guess. I'll be praying for you during this time too. I know it will be beautiful and just perfect. Love ya! Kelli

Grace Smith said...

Saundra, I have not been able to read your blog for awhile and can't even read this one now, won't be able to for awhile, but buried in your comments... I wanted to remind you, I haven't forgotten your family. You're ALL still in my prayers every moment.