Today has been kind of a strange day. I have had strange feelings all day. One minute sad, the next contented. God keeps telling through his word that He is always near me. So today, when my mind would start to think of the past, or the what ifs, or the future....I would remember that He was near me...and that His word says: to think on those things which are true and pure and worthy of His Praise. And when I think on these things His Peace will be with me.
I felt like I quoted that a lot today. I guess I felt like I was fighting a battle. Trying to remain focused on Christ, as He has asked me to, yet being pulled the other way. Thoughts of John making me sad, thoughts of the kids without him, thoughts of the future, the kids future, etc...,would be right there trying to make me take my focus off Christ. .
When I got home from school I was exhausted. I don't know if it was from battling all day or just a long first day back. But I was exhausted. I tried to get a little nap in but the kids all had something to tell me or share with me, so I stayed awake and listened.
I went to Taco Bueno to get them something to eat. And it hit me....how much John loved that place. I don't know if I was too tired to fight the battle or what...but I gave into the feeling of not wanting to go on. Just giving up. Missing him so much. I think I made myself sick enough that I couldn't eat a thing. But, as we were driving back home the music I listened to made me refocus my thoughts on Christ again.
But, one question that I know the enemy is using against me over and over again is, "Will I ever be happy again? I mean happy, like I was with John. Happy, content happy.????" And I have to be honest and say I don't know how I can be without him! It seems impossible. Then the Lord comes to me and reminds me that for Him, nothing is impossible.
It just seems that I am constantly battling for my mind and thoughts. It seems that I can't stay focused. So, I have to concentrate on that to be sure that my mind is on the things of God. I just wish the enemy would give up and give me some peace.
I do have a contentedness now. I spent the evening at Jay and Marilyn's. I always feel better when I spend some time with them. Maybe its because I know they are thinking and feeling the same thing. But it just feels good to be there.
Its kind of scary for me. It seems things are going pretty smoothly right now. I am waiting for the ball to drop. You know? Like I thought everything was good for John and I and then the ball dropped and look where I am now? So, I am afraid to get my hopes up, that , yea, maybe I am feeling better! Because if I say it, if I admit it, something might happen.
Keep us in your prayers. You that are so faithful to my blog. I really appreciate it. Knowing that some of you haven't forgotten me. That was something someone told me a few days after the service and I see it coming true. That everyone will be there for you .....for a while....then you fade into the past. I do see it happening. And it does hurt my feelings. But, life does go on for them. So, I really appreciate you my faithful ones!
Pray for peace for all of us.
Pray for the kids at school with their work. Isaac seems to be struggling a little bit.
Pray that God will give me wisdom in all things that I must do.
Pray that all of us will grow closer to the Lord. That the kids will have a deep desire to seek Him. Especially Hannah and Matthew. I want them to know Him, like I know Him. So when they have a bad day....they can seek His face, and know how to listen for His help.
Pray for Jay and Marilyn and Dawn.
I am having a hard time bringing this request up. Just saying it makes it hurt all over again. But, Jay,Marilyn and I need to pick out a headstone for....well you know. We are just dragging our feet to do it. We can't talk about it. Yet, it is there in front of us. It's just so hard. Pray for added strength, for wisdom, for peace that we can do it soon.
I love you guys for reading, commenting and I covet each and every thought and prayer!