I slept well last night. Took a little meds to help. I was weary, but just restless, so I decided I needed something. If I don't get enough sleep, John used to say, I have no control over my emotions and they totally take over because I can't deal with them. So, I did sleep good. Woke around 5, thought I may as well make use of the time so came out to have my quiet time.
Yesterday was sooooo hard. Keli, you are so right. The sermon was so hard to listen to. But I was where God wanted me. He knew Who knows...maybe that is why we had church even though it was horrible out....and I was determined to be there! I would not let the enemy defeat me. It would have been easy to not go. Going by myself. Walking in 2 ft. of snow all the way into the building...and I might mention the ice I could have hurt myself on. I marched on....I was destined to be there.
My one wish for yesterday was that Matthew and Hannah would have been there. Hannah was actually planning to be there but had to work. Matthew, the one I think would have benefited most, didn't come. I was sad. I do believe that there is a battle for Matthew's soul right now. He seems a little irritable. But he tells me every Saturday night that he intends to go....then he doesn't. Pray for him. I believe he really needs to be in church.
It did speak to me. I am okay. I am following God's plan for grieving. Except in one area. Most of the time, I don't feel like smiling....I don't' want to laugh. But I feel like I have to because that is what people want to make me do, by what they might say or do. But, I am not putting on that mask anymore. You all know how hurt I am. I am not happy. You know it. Why should I fake it? Sure there are times when I can giggle....and really feel it inside. But generally speaking...I don't feel it.
Sallye, my God given Angel....came over yesterday. We laugh together a lot. When she enters the house she never fails to hug me and tell me she loves me and may even chat a bit. But yesterday, I had text her and told her I was having a bad day. Yesterday, she walked in the door, came to me, and just held me. Didn't say a word. I believe I even her a groan come from her. A groan of pain...for me.
Sometimes, just hug me. Don't' say anything. I love hugs. I love to be told in an unspeakable way....that I am loved. You don't have to say anything. But I need all of you right now. I am going through a very difficult time these last few days. DAYS! Usually the waves, floods, tidal waves may only last a day and then the next is better. I keep waiting for the better...and they are not coming.
I am just being honest.
I hope I don't offend anyone. The sermon, yesterday, just made me feel like I need to let people know.....most of the time I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk about how I feel, how my day is going, how the kids are I just need a hug. Just a hug.
Today...mmmmm, fourth day with the kids in the house. Well, first I have to go dig out the little truck and the car. They are buried!!!! And I have to have it done by or around 9. We have been driving the explorer. Matthew is driving the explorer to school this morning...while he is there I will dig out the cars. Then when he gets home, we are hoping that I will have the cars dug out. Because I promised the kids that I would take them sledding. This is one of those first steps, so it will be hard...John ALWAYS took the kids sledding.....letting me stay home and take a long bath. But, I feel like I need to do it for the kids. So, in order for there to be room for the kids...Isaac and friend, Rachel and friend. I have to take the explorer. So, I hope Matthew can get the car out around 10:30 to go back to class.
So, pray that I get the cars uncovered, that Matthew can get the car out of the snow, and that I will take that first step and not talk my way out of it!
Matthew and I have an appointment to see our Psych Dr today. Pray that he will have God given wisdom to know how to change Matthew's meds. He has been having trouble with them. I also pray that Matthew will be able to talk with him. Pray that he will have the right words for both of us.
I forgot to mention my devotions this morning. God was so here......this morning in one hour he told me that He was with me, would always be with me, that he gives his angels charge over me, that he will restore me, that he does what he promises! All in one morning! All from Psalms, Romans, and Genesis. He just tied them altogether! They all mentioned the same things! It was amazing.
Pray for our family to bond again. I don't know. I just feel like since the tragedy, we have built a wall between all of us. I want God to help us bond again. I don't feel like a family because it seems that we have that wall.
Pray for Hannah. I am worried for her. She is definitely grieving. As I read more and more about grieving, she is showing signs of it. One thing is that she is buried in doing things with her friends. Never wants to be here. Fights to be away. She is avoiding the house because it pains her to be here. Then, I noticed that her mind is always preoccupied. She is forgetful. Sometimes I am talking directly to her and she doesn't hear a word I say. She seems far away. I know these are all symptoms of grieving/mourning. So pray for her.
Still pray for my children's salvation. I want so much for them to each long to have a personal relationship with Christ. I know...they don't' have that. Especially my older ones.
Pray for my wisdom to do what God asks, take care and make decisions for my kids and myself, financial decisions, lives decisions.
Pray that I be real with my feelings to you around me. Not to put a mask on. To be real. I think that will really help me heal. So my real feelings can come out, instead of burying them.
Also, this may sound trivial to you...but I dreaded February coming. Valentines Day. I dread it coming. I wish I could somehow not be here. I have celebrate with my kids...without my LOVE and without their daddy. John and I had come to celebrate with the kids together. We were each others valentines. I have these little heart shaped cake pans....and since I wasn't working at the time, I would make them each a heart...to be waiting for each of them after school....even John. What am I suppose to do this time? How can I face that day. I dont' want to. I don't want to be here then. I can't be here. I just can't. Pray for me, for us.
Wow, I went to that "soaking" website. I love it. I do listen to christian music as I have devotions. On tv...that contemporary station that plays music constantly. But I am going to look at that site more fully. It looks like something I would enjoy. Thank you.
Jenna....love your enthusiasm. I remember in mid school....that's when I remember you most...you were always cheerful......you haven't changed. Thanks for making me smile!
Pray for us today...in any way God leads you....thanks for reading, commenting, thinking of us, and praying for us.