Monday, February 1, 2010

Feb 1, 2010, Monday

I slept well last night. Took a little meds to help. I was weary, but just restless, so I decided I needed something. If I don't get enough sleep, John used to say, I have no control over my emotions and they totally take over because I can't deal with them. So, I did sleep good. Woke around 5, thought I may as well make use of the time so came out to have my quiet time.

Yesterday was sooooo hard. Keli, you are so right. The sermon was so hard to listen to. But I was where God wanted me. He knew Who knows...maybe that is why we had church even though it was horrible out....and I was determined to be there! I would not let the enemy defeat me. It would have been easy to not go. Going by myself. Walking in 2 ft. of snow all the way into the building...and I might mention the ice I could have hurt myself on. I marched on....I was destined to be there.

My one wish for yesterday was that Matthew and Hannah would have been there. Hannah was actually planning to be there but had to work. Matthew, the one I think would have benefited most, didn't come. I was sad. I do believe that there is a battle for Matthew's soul right now. He seems a little irritable. But he tells me every Saturday night that he intends to go....then he doesn't. Pray for him. I believe he really needs to be in church.

It did speak to me. I am okay. I am following God's plan for grieving. Except in one area. Most of the time, I don't feel like smiling....I don't' want to laugh. But I feel like I have to because that is what people want to make me do, by what they might say or do. But, I am not putting on that mask anymore. You all know how hurt I am. I am not happy. You know it. Why should I fake it? Sure there are times when I can giggle....and really feel it inside. But generally speaking...I don't feel it.

Sallye, my God given Angel....came over yesterday. We laugh together a lot. When she enters the house she never fails to hug me and tell me she loves me and may even chat a bit. But yesterday, I had text her and told her I was having a bad day. Yesterday, she walked in the door, came to me, and just held me. Didn't say a word. I believe I even her a groan come from her. A groan of pain...for me.

Sometimes, just hug me. Don't' say anything. I love hugs. I love to be told in an unspeakable way....that I am loved. You don't have to say anything. But I need all of you right now. I am going through a very difficult time these last few days. DAYS! Usually the waves, floods, tidal waves may only last a day and then the next is better. I keep waiting for the better...and they are not coming.

I am just being honest.
I hope I don't offend anyone. The sermon, yesterday, just made me feel like I need to let people know.....most of the time I don't want to smile, I don't want to talk about how I feel, how my day is going, how the kids are I just need a hug. Just a hug.

Today...mmmmm, fourth day with the kids in the house. Well, first I have to go dig out the little truck and the car. They are buried!!!! And I have to have it done by or around 9. We have been driving the explorer. Matthew is driving the explorer to school this morning...while he is there I will dig out the cars. Then when he gets home, we are hoping that I will have the cars dug out. Because I promised the kids that I would take them sledding. This is one of those first steps, so it will be hard...John ALWAYS took the kids sledding.....letting me stay home and take a long bath. But, I feel like I need to do it for the kids. So, in order for there to be room for the kids...Isaac and friend, Rachel and friend. I have to take the explorer. So, I hope Matthew can get the car out around 10:30 to go back to class.

So, pray that I get the cars uncovered, that Matthew can get the car out of the snow, and that I will take that first step and not talk my way out of it!

Matthew and I have an appointment to see our Psych Dr today. Pray that he will have God given wisdom to know how to change Matthew's meds. He has been having trouble with them. I also pray that Matthew will be able to talk with him. Pray that he will have the right words for both of us.

I forgot to mention my devotions this morning. God was so here......this morning in one hour he told me that He was with me, would always be with me, that he gives his angels charge over me, that he will restore me, that he does what he promises! All in one morning! All from Psalms, Romans, and Genesis. He just tied them altogether! They all mentioned the same things! It was amazing.

Pray for our family to bond again. I don't know. I just feel like since the tragedy, we have built a wall between all of us. I want God to help us bond again. I don't feel like a family because it seems that we have that wall.

Pray for Hannah. I am worried for her. She is definitely grieving. As I read more and more about grieving, she is showing signs of it. One thing is that she is buried in doing things with her friends. Never wants to be here. Fights to be away. She is avoiding the house because it pains her to be here. Then, I noticed that her mind is always preoccupied. She is forgetful. Sometimes I am talking directly to her and she doesn't hear a word I say. She seems far away. I know these are all symptoms of grieving/mourning. So pray for her.

Still pray for my children's salvation. I want so much for them to each long to have a personal relationship with Christ. I know...they don't' have that. Especially my older ones.

Pray for my wisdom to do what God asks, take care and make decisions for my kids and myself, financial decisions, lives decisions.

Pray that I be real with my feelings to you around me. Not to put a mask on. To be real. I think that will really help me heal. So my real feelings can come out, instead of burying them.

Also, this may sound trivial to you...but I dreaded February coming. Valentines Day. I dread it coming. I wish I could somehow not be here. I have celebrate with my kids...without my LOVE and without their daddy. John and I had come to celebrate with the kids together. We were each others valentines. I have these little heart shaped cake pans....and since I wasn't working at the time, I would make them each a be waiting for each of them after school....even John. What am I suppose to do this time? How can I face that day. I dont' want to. I don't want to be here then. I can't be here. I just can't. Pray for me, for us.

Wow, I went to that "soaking" website. I love it. I do listen to christian music as I have devotions. On tv...that contemporary station that plays music constantly. But I am going to look at that site more fully. It looks like something I would enjoy. Thank you. your enthusiasm. I remember in mid school....that's when I remember you were always haven't changed. Thanks for making me smile!

Pray for us any way God leads you....thanks for reading, commenting, thinking of us, and praying for us.



Anonymous said...


I was getting caught back up with you and your family from the past week. I see that you are struggling through figuring out how to live without your beloved John. It is like getting run over by a semi-truck and left mortally wounded in the road. You can't believe you will ever recover. And the pain is sometimes more than you think you can bear...
But I also see you getting up and trying to walk, trying to lead your kids. I see a bravery that comes from beyond yourself. I see God answering your prayers over and over again. I see that you are not alone (even though you feel like you are). I see God making Himself known to you in the most intimate and private ways. I see that you are holding His hand even though you do not understand why. I see a faith and trust that is growing to such a degree- that you will KNOW that nothing can ever separate you from His love.
Remember when we talked about how it would be like going through intense rehabilation from a critical accident. The steps are painful as you learn to walk without John...but you are doing it. I am so grateful for God's help and all the rest of the wonderful support you have through your family, church and your blogger friends.
I love you...and I am proud of you.

Anonymous said...

Always praying, always hoping that it becomes easier for you.
Love and Prayers.

Jenna said...

i love how honest this post is! i missed the sermon yesterday.. but by the sounds of it.. it dug a little deeper than last sunday. i think it's great that you're so truthful about not wanting to talk about how your day is going.. blah blah blah. sometimes it is better just to have someone there to hug you & hold you rather than telling you how you should feel. because honestly, the way you should feel.. is exactly what you are feeling! i don't know if that makes sense or not.. but it's true. if you're having a crappy day.. it's okay to cry or be angry. & if you're having a good day.. be joyful! smile! just feel whatever you're feeling.. let it out. don't care what people think you should feel like. now i'm just rambling.. so i'll stop. but i definitely have you on my heart.. & if i see you.. prepare yourself for a hug! :]

Ami Dillard said...

All I could think of during church yesterday was how brave you are. I would have looked at the sermon title and would not have gone. I really tended to hide my feelings and to avoid them. I like the way your are meeting the grief head on. You go girl! I too dreaded that first Valentines Day. I remember saying that nobody had better get me anything and wouldn't you know, someone sent flowers that day. At first I was mad, but then I realized they were just trying to help. You know I will be praying for you as always.

Anonymous said...

I ran across this online and immediately thought of you and your family. I've known your family for over 20 years and your tragedy has greatly touched me. John was a great husband, father and teacher. Two of my three kids were in his classes in years past. I hope you enjoy this and it helps to bring you comfort in your time of need.

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and he said “I welcome you. It’s good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on. I need you here badly; you’re part of my plan. There’s so much that we have to do to help our mortal man.”

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight. God and I are closest to the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o’er. I’m closer to you now than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you, and many hills to climb; but together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night...”My day was not in vain. And now I am contented...that my life has been worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go. When you’re walking down the street and you have me on your mind; I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. And when it’s time for you to go...from that body to be free, remember you’re not’re coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)