I am sure I will post tonight. But I just had to give God the glory for how I am feeling today. I know that a lot of you prayer for me....your prayers were answered!!!!!
I woke with no sick feeling or dread in my heart. Showered, then came straight out and made blueberry hearts for each of the kids....and even made the fifth one....John's. No one said anything,, but it made everything complete. I woke each of the kids with a "Happy Valentine's Day! Not saying that was easy though.
They came to the kitchen and opened their cards. I didn't know how they felt, but I had signed their cards, "mommy and daddy". I've decided that his love is still in their hearts. He is always with us. As they looked at their cards, each reading quietly, but none of them mentioned a word. I hope that I didn't hurt any of them. But I want them to know that I believe he is still with us, in our hearts and memories, and we will acknowledge that.
Matthew and Hannah, Sallye and Jeff sat together in church. I felt like a family sitting there. We share so much love between all of us. I was afraid of breaking down, just looking at the couples, but God sustained me. Then, when we went to Sunday School, that was probably the most fearful. But as we walked the fear back to the Lord and he carried me. It was so hard when Danny asked about gifts received. I almost cried then. But, I remembered what God had said...."today was in his hands".
I still carry a hurt in my heart. It is there yes. But, I think God is helping me to learn to deal with my emotions better.. It is becoming easier to focus on the positive and not the negative. I am finding it so true though, that when I keep my focus on Him......I don't feel so much pain.
It is only 12:08. I have yet to go to Jay and Marlyn's. We are not celebrating Valentine's Day there. Instead we are celebrating Jonathon's birthday. It will be a sad day...we all realize that. It will hurt so much not to have John at the table with us. On this special day. But, He will carry me. Marilyn and I had a good cry together last night. Maybe it will hold us over for dinner.
One thing I have learned through this. It is okay to cry...where ever. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of a tender heart...one that God can use. So, I am sure there will be tears. But there is victory.
I will let you know how the rest of the day goes. I will blog tonight....and the day comes to rest.....and I am Praising My God.
Love you all,