urs. February 25, 2010

Another of those dreaded days. I know everyone says there has to be a first, but the firsts are the things I want to run from.

Today is Rachel's birthday. I almost think she is dreading it! She would tell everyone what she wanted...naturally...but she would not plan a party. I put it off and put it off till I couldn't anymore. finally, I asked her what she wanted to do, she didn't know, then I asked her if she wanted to wait until next week to celebrate with her friends.

All kinds of excuses and reasons for this I can come up with: she just doesn't want to celebrate with out daddy, or the house...being under construction is a mess, I am still sleeping with her....I don't know. The last time she had a friend come over...the first since....I slept on the couch and she came out and said she was sorry I had to sleep on the couch.

So, just pray for my little Rach. It just seems that she has a lot on her little mind for as Young as she is.

This weekend is the Middle School Banquet. She will be preforming in it. I hope you will get to see her. She is precious.

I have shed many tears over my relationship with Isaac. We get along pretty well, until studying time or he wants something. Natural I know that is what most of you are saying. But this week was the last straw. I just cant take the anger between him and I . He can become so hateful. We were trying to study and he and I just argued. About what was to be studied....etc. It ended in both of us in tears. One thing I have always been careful about is to never let any of my kids go to sleep angry or sad...that between us is nothing but good. But I couldn't deal with him that night anymore.

But, as I was walking by his bedroom, there stood Matthew talking....brother to brother with him. I don't know all that was said....but I pray that my pain....turns into their gain as far as brothers and closeness goes.

Yesterday morning as Isaac was waiting for Gramps to come and get him for baseball practice he came in and sat down on the couch as I was reading my devotions. I closed my books and shared with him how I felt. I told him how Matthew has a change of heart....how I have had a change of heart...and that I felt like he needed a change of heart. He acknowledged that he did. But I asked him why he was so angry with me. He told me he wasn't angry at me. I asked him, then what was bothering him? He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I miss daddy". Oh, we both cried. He said, he doesn't have anyone. He wants someone that will play catch with him, basketball with him.....etc...and daddy isn't there after school to do those things. They used to play catch or basketball before dinner most every night.

He said he loved Jeff...Jeff has become like a big brother....no a father figure to Isaac. He tries to talk with him when there is trouble and direct him. And he said he loved Jeff....but he missed his daddy. It broke my heart. He has been holding that in. Wanting to tell someone I am sure.

Our battle now is an airsoft gun that he found online. The boys down the street have one and ask him to come play with them. But his is not as powerful, so he said he just gets pounded! Ha! Anyway, he wants to buy one with his own money...which technically I can't keep him from that. But I just hate for him to buy it. So we are going round and round about that. Just pray for him and I.

Everything is starting to become more routine for me. I still sometime breakdown because it seems so unfair. And I am tired. Running here and there. Doing this and that for the kids...I feel like sometimes I can't take another step. I am realizing all the things that John did. Ladies....thank your husband for those things....they carry big loads.

Sometimes, I just have to say aloud, "I miss you Honey". I have to say it. I hate the thought that "things will never be the same", that we have to "become new and different in everyway". But we are doing our best.

Keep praying for us. Pray for the Bumpus family. I can't help. It is too raw yet. But my prayers are with them. I hope they lean on God and those that he places in their paths. Don't be too proud to take that help.. God put them there for a reason

.Pray for our peace, that God will continue to walk me.....one step at a time.

Love to you all....
Saundra

Jenna...the bedroom is Wisteria (dark lavender) with black and white and grey accents.