Friday 26, 2010

Bekah, you made me smile. You know he used to say that to our kids here too!!! He was such a jokester. I am glad that he can still bring a smile to your face. And I hope he can in the years to come.

Well, its been an up and down week for me. I told Sallye, it seems just when you feel like your making some headway.....you find yourself falling. That happened to me several times this week.

Course, you know about Rachel's birthday. That was hard. So hard. It is hard to do things as a family when you don't quite feel like a family. And I just can't even think of what to buy Rachel. John always had such great ideas. I just have tomorrow (Saturday) and then I'm out of luck. I miss him so much.

And, let me just say before I say what I am about to say....could be very embarrassing to me. But, you know, I'm not embarrassed because I bring it to your attention because you are my prayer warriors. You are my friends that haven't left me after 3 months because you have forgotten me, you are my hope.

I was served with a summons to appear in court. Now, I can't go into details...not because I don't want to, but because I don't understand it all. My attorney is working on it for me, but I am just beside myself. I pretty much cried all day today. In fact, one kid asked, "Mrs. Griffis are you okay?" I said, "No, I have been crying." He said, "Oh, I am sorry. It looked like you had a cold. But I am sorry you feel bad." I wish I could tell you more so you would know how to pray....but, I know you don't have to know the particulars....just that we need to pray for God's intervention. Pray for the wisdom of my attorney. Pray for me....that I will continue to give it to the Lord and not hold onto it.

Isaac is doing so much better. He has his moments, but isn't that every kid at his age? He is being more amicable with me. More respectable. Working harder at school. I think I told you that we had the opportunity to talk about giving our hearts to Jesus. I believe he is trying to comprehend that.

I still feel sad for him regarding sports. Daddy was always his team mate. They played together...every sport...whatever the season...they were outside. I hardly can stand to see him playing his ps3, watching t.v., or just sitting. Because Isaac was never like that. He was outside playing...and usually with John. I can't stand it.

I was at Jay and Marilyn's tonight. Rach had a birthday party to go to, Matthew was with friends, it was just me and Isaac. Gramps took Isaac somewhere so it was just Dawn, Marilyn and myself. We had been wanting to get together without the kids to look at headstones. Of course....it nearly killed us. I could hardly talk. Pray for us as we continue to do this.

I wanted to thank the Clines. They used to live across the street from us many years ago. They sold their house to the Crooks. Anyway, we have not seen nor heard from them since that time. Though, we enjoyed each others company very much.

But Melissa, who evidently had read my blog called to say that they had a full size frame, box springs, and mattress that they would like to give to me. So, I have my smaller bed. We are hoping that it fits on my queen head board and footboard. But, I just appreciated it so much. It was a prayer that Jeff, Sallye and I had been praying for. God knew how much I needed it.

I do miss John so much. When things happen, at school, with a kid, parent, etc...the first thing I want to do is text John and tell him. You can't know the times I have started texting him. I love him so much. We had such a wonderful future together. As we were looking at the headstones...I just wanted to cry out to the Lord "WHY???" But, I know I will probably never have the answer....but God will be glorified through it.

I am definitely learning to lean more and more on him. I am learning that that is what he wants. He wants me to lean on him only. Not on Jeff and Sallye, (though they hold me up most of the time), not through this blog (that lets me rant and rave, or just talk), but wholly on Him. And why I question Him, why I can't just relax, I don't know. He has been faithful.

There are so many of you to thank. I am trying to get my thank yous out every chance I get. It seems I just get caught up and then God sends angels to help me again. But....please....each of you...know that I appreciate every word you say, every thought, every prayer, and every kind of help that you have given me. I want to hug you and tell you how much I love you.

You know...that is something I have discovered. How my eyes have changed. I see things so differently now. Different things. Others pain, becomes my pain. The Bumpus family, I can barely think of it. But it doesn't have to be in death that I feel pain for others. It is that child that I know is going hungry, or the person that has had a wrong done to them. I think God is teaching me see people from His eyes now. My life has changed. It has changed dramatically.

My life, my children's life. We will never be the same. Our outlook on life is different. I told God the other morning in devotions....I don't think I will ever be able to accept John's death....but I can thank God for how he has used it to help me become more and more like Him everyday. Sometimes....change CAN be good. But you have to be willing to let it happen. I didn't have a choice, then, but I have accepted that I am changing and I am ready and willing to change according to His purpose for my life now. Whatever it may be.

Pray for us this weekend as we celebrate Rachel's birthday as our family always did on the week of that persons birthday. So it will be this Sunday. How awful. Sundays are my worst, I am celebrating my baby's birthday without her daddy. How much more pain can a person handle in a day? I just want it to be a happy day for her. Pray that I can at least do that.

I hate weekends. I hate them. I would rather crawl in bed on Friday night and Sleep until Monday mornings.

God, I miss John. Please fill that empty space that I am feeling tonight. Lord, how I need you tonight. I feel alone.....

Saundra