Today started out pretty good. Church was good. Sunday School was awesome. The spirit was so there!!!! Thanks to Dave for allowing the spirit to do the work and move. I know not only did Dave speak to me in class, but the others that shared, and God was easily heard in it all.
But, tonight is different. I don't know. So many reasons. Rachel is sick. Matthew is going through something that he won't talk to me. I feel sooooo lonely when he won't talk to me. I don't understand why, but I do. And he is short with me. So, I feel like I have done something. I have asked him to talk to me and he won't. I know he and Jennie have decided to wait until next college year to have a relationship..if at all. But, there is so much more going on with Matthew. I can see it in his eyes. And if you read his facebook, he is reaching out. Please pray for me.
I told Sallye I was doing okay today, until he just got so down. So sad. He pretty much laid in his bed all day. Really. My heart hurts.
Then if that isn't enough, I needed to put gas in two of the vehicles and Hannah said she couldn't go with me, Matthew...well I was afraid to ask. So, I called Jay. He did go with me. But, it is at those times when I look at my life and wonder if I will ever be able to have a "normal" life again.
As I pulled in the drive, I looked back towards the garage and saw all the trash that needed to be pulled to the curb and just sighed. Isaac had homework, Matthew I wouldn't ask, that left....yea me. I just wanted John at that moment.
I realize that John and I enabled the kids to be what they are now. Not helping out...etc...but I don't know how to change it. We did everything. Everything. I can't. Not by myself. I feel so lonely tonight.
Thank Jesus that Jeff and Sallye needed to come over for something so Jeff got Isaac out there to help with the trash. But, as I sit here...trying to get Isaac to work on his homework, helping Rach as she holds the trash can, wishing Matthew would just come out and hug me, wishing Hannah would do the same. I am so lonely.
I sometimes wonder...honestly, would they miss me? Oh, yea, the clean laundry that they find every day. The food put before them....but they could do that all themselves. I wonder. Is this pain I feel, this loneliness I feel really worth all this? I wonder. I am so lonely.
Yea, I have friends...but this is an emptiness I don't think anyone here on earth can fill. A loneliness that only certain people can feel....and wonder....if it will ever be filled. I am so lonely.
I am tired friends. I need a fresh touch. Dave talked about the silence. I am there. What does he want of me. I feel like I have given him everything....literally. What more? What is He trying to tell me. Oh, for a peace that passes all understanding right now.
Pray for Me. Pray for that Peace. Pray that God will talk...that as his sheep I will hear his voice and know it. Pray for direction with my children. I want them to be raised in Christ, through Christ....and with respect for others. I want them to be happy. Pray that I know how to do that for them.
Pray for Matthew. That he will find the happiness that he is looking for, in Christ. Help him to realize that happiness is not in the friends he has, the girls he dates, but in Christ alone. Help him to see that. I pray that he will have a personal relationship with the One that can take care of him and love him as his daddy did.
Pray for Hannah. She needs the Lord. That is hard for me to admit...but she does. Yes, she is a typical teenager, and will do typical teenage things. BUT, she still has to find her place with Jesus. I don't believe John and I emphasized that enough to our kids. I pray that she will begin to have a longing for a relationship with Him.
Pray for Isaac. He has such a big space missing in his life. It's as though his life is a puzzle and the piece that is missing is the piece he needs most. He is lonely. I know he is. He reaches out to Matthew quite a bit. Sometimes accepted, sometimes not. He is so athletic. John was his athletic buddy. And he misses that. Where he used to spend all his time outside, now he is inside. Where he used to love sports, I am not sure that is so anymore. Pray for a bike for him. I thought it would be good for him to get one. While Sallye is at work he and I could ride. He can ride in rides with us. Which is what John had promised him and he was looking so forward to this summer. Pray for his little heart to find peace. Pray that he find the Lord. He needs a relationship as well with Jesus. He needs to know the Lord. Pray that he have an obedient heart, not only to the Lord, but to me as well.
Pray for Rach. As I write this she is on the couch sick and throwing up. Pray for comfort for her. Pray that God continue to lead her tender heart.
Pray that this sickness she has stops with her. I told Sallye I don't know if I can handle anything else right now.
Pray for God's angels to surround each of us with His Angels. "That He command His Angels to have charge over us.....that we won't strike our foot against a stone." Ps 91.
I am memorizing that passage so you will be seeing it in my blog a lot. It has so much to say. So much of what I need in it. I wanted to have it in my heart, in my mind, and on my tongue when the enemy tries to strike.
Thanks for reading.
Love to you all,
Saundra
Sunday, March 21, 2010
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5 comments:
Saundra,
I so identify with your heart-cries. You are doing better than you thnk.It's just so hard to learn to live without your other half...but you are doing it!
I know what you are saying when you talk about being in the desert. I kept thinking I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death...and you are,too. But God is with you. He will never ever leave you not matter what. He will be with you, holding your hand as you walk through this desert/valley and come out on the other side.
Another thing I noticed is that something happened with you that alos used to happen with me. He gives us a lift before we hit a hard spot. He knows the future and He knows we will need the extra strength for what's ahead. I read your blog on Friday and you were very strong. He was giving you a boost for what you needed yesterday and today. He is so faithful to help us.
I slo know how you feel about your kids. When they hurt- you hurt. Unfortunately, we can't make them all better with a hug and a kiss any more. If we could, they would have kisses all over them! They have to go through life just like we do. I think it must be hard for God to allow us to suffer sometimes...except He knows th futre glories to come- so He knows what He is doing in you and in your kids. He is making you all more Christ-like by being with you through your suffering.
I told you my kids were 2, 7, 15 and 17 when my husband died. My heart was so broken for them like yours is for your kids. I, too, didn't think I was enough of a parent for them. You're not- be God is their other parent now and He will help them each through just as He is helping you through.
I know my kids are who they are today because of all they went through. All 4 have gone into the health care field. They are so compassionate and helpful to those who are hurting and their families. Who knows how God will use this in your children's lives. You, too, will be able to look back and see someday.
In the meantime- grieving is so hard. Remember, it's like getting hit by a semi-truck. It takes some time to heal...and you never are the same again. You and your kids will always be different from this point on from John's sudden death and from your grief. But God is with you...and He will bring about beautiful things out of even the deepest tragedies.
I love you and I'm praying for you, Matthew, Hannah, Rebekah and Isaac and for Jay and Salley, too.
Your blog is very good. It is the way God is leading you to share not only your grief, but how He is helping you through it!
It is very helpful to share. Someone once said- "Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled." We all share your grief, but we also celebrate in your little happinesses. Imagine how much we will celebrate with you as your happinesses increase later on.
Love,
Eva
Ditto to all that Eva said I too have felt and still feel the lonelyness and have to put it in God's hands, he is there for those who grieve.
Your kids do need you they sometimes just don't know how to show you. School today they were all probably dreading going back. I am praying for you, you are stong, stay faithful. Pat
"those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
I'm praying, Saundra. Still praying. :)
Love,
Donetta
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Your ability to handle adversity comes from the GOD who has OVERCOME adversity.
He has fought the fight and won it already for you. I am praying for you!
Phylis
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