I woke in the night longing for John. I missed his movements. I missed his arm around me. I missed his snoring!!!! I continued to try to focus on God. So, needless to say I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact I was awake at 5:30 having my devotions.
As I walked out into the dark and empty living room I didn't feel the ache in my heart as I did yesterday morning. Yesterday was a day of fighting for control of my thoughts. Focus, focus, on Him, the good, not the bad; the happy, not the sad, the positive, not the negative. I felt like I was fighting all day long. I was realy exhausted by bedtime.
Matthew took me to Walmart to get some groceries. As we were wheeeling around we were discussing the evening; usually spent with Grams and Gramps, or Jeff and Sallye. But, we talked and decided that we would spend it as a family. Now, I have to tell you this put a lump in my throat. Alone? In the evening? Me cook? But, since Matthew seemed to want to really do it I knew it was time for my to buck up and do it. So we got the things to make Hot Italian Sandwiches (which was very hard because they were John's fav) because that is what Matthew wanted.
For the rest of the day I fought for control of my thoughts. How was I going to do this?
Jeff and Sallye left around 7...I believe. Matthew and Hannah went to get 2 movies. I had to go to the kitchen....and COOK! I just could hardly bring myself to do it...knew I couldn't do it alone. I kept putting it off and Matthew and Hannah returned. So I went to the kitchen and started....with shaking hands, tears in my eyes, an ache in my heart, and a sick feeling in my stomach. But, God was and there and the amazing thing....Matthew just hung out in the kitchen talking with me! Amazing! Never before has that happened!!! We have an amazing God. Don't tell me that was circumstance. He kept me talking and we had the neatest conversation! When at last I put them in the oven...we both went our seperate ways. He to his room, me to the laundry room.
When they were finished....I just would get sick to my stomach thinking of sitting at "our" table...so I suggested that we take our food in the living room and eat while watching our movies. That went over big.
I am not going to dwell on the fact that I couldn't eat at the table. I am dwelling on the fact that we spent the night alone as family, I cooked and we all survived. I still missed John of course. Even as I sat and ate and watched the movie....I thought of how sometimes we would do this and he and I would sit next to each other. But, Praise God. I made it.
Well, you know how my night went.....I hope tonight is better since I have school tomorrow.
Jenna.....you scare me! :) Trust me...I will be watching!!!! You are so sweet. Thanks for thinking of me.
I wish for you all to pray for us today:
Sundays are my worst days. I have come to almost hate them. Pray that I feel God's arms around me all day.
Pray that as we all (the kids and I) listen to the service that we all have wisdom and knowledge as we listen to the Pastor as he gives the message. That we will understand what is being said, and know how to apply it to our lives so that each of us can live a life more like Christ.
Pray for peace for all of us.
Again...thank you for reading and commenting....and most of all your prayers.....