February 12, 2010, Friday night

Can't sleep. Up alone....of course.

It's killing me. Just killing me. I wasn't going to school today. I just couldn't deal with the whole valentine thing.

Yesterday was hard. Thursday. I didn't think I would make it through the day. Flowers.....Just seeing someone get them killed me. I had to go cry for a while. Well, that set the tone for the day for me.

Then, watching Hannah play basketball...wow...her daddy would have been so proud of her. It seemed my day was darkening yet even more when I had to be out on the floor celebrating what John should have been able to celebrate with her. That was something they dreamed together about. My heart broke for her....and I yearned for him to be there with us.

And...in the back of my mind....v-day.

I decided Thursday night that there was no way I was going to school on Friday. I knew the office would be filled with flowers to wives, husbands, even girlfriends. And....I knew none of them had my name on them. I couldn't do it.

But, I got up and had devotions this morning. And it seemed everything that I read God was pushing me to go. I had to pray that God would carry me close to his HEART. Because I couldn't do it alone..but I knew he wanted me there. I obeyed.

And....in the back of my mind....v-day.

He did carry me. It was hard. My first tear came when a little girl named Macy. She was in John's class last year. He fell in love with her as well as me. She has a sweet personality....and you can tell she is so sensitive. She brought me a small gift bag with a gift in it. And also in it was the sweetest poem about how she loved to see me smile because it made her smile. I told her how sweet it was of her...that that may be the only gift I received this day....and I was glad it was from her.

And...in the back of my mind I am dreading ...v-day

Then, as I was sitting in my last class, Karen brought in a small beautiful bouquet of flowers. Beautiful. At first I didn't move. Never thinking they could be for me. But she said they were. The card was signed, "Your Angels that Love you". I knew who that was. You do to I would guess. Sallye and Jeff. I couldn't believe they would go to that trouble. It touched me so much.....more tears.

And...yet v-day made me sick.

Then I got home and there was another bouquet from a church that I don't even know. But obviously God spoke to someone in that church and obeyed. They were beautiful. There was two gift bags...a glass necklace...so pretty, and a book that I know I will be reading very soon. I loved the gifts....

but v-day was coming....and John wasn't here.

Then soon after the kids came in carrying a bouquet of flowers and box of candy. Jeff had taken Isaac to buy them. I sobbed. Then, Matthew said, "That's not all". He went into his room and came out with a small box. I opened it and there was a beautiful silver cross necklace. I couldn't believe it. He had saved his money for ME!!! He had did that especially for me. Then he said, "See, you once said you would probably never receive jewelry again." I cried and hugged and hugged. Just stood there and cried and hugged.

And yet.....My Sweetheart is gone.

I am sorry. I am sure most of you are saying that I should just be happy for what the kids have done. And oh, you don't know how I am. But if you put yourself in my place....and I wouldn't want anyone else to be....to share a special day with that special person, the one that chose YOU, the one you have shared 21 years with....the love of your life.....and suddenly he isn't there. Everyone around you is celebrating. Receiving gifts that show their love toward one another....you would feel my hurt. You would understand why I sit and cry tonight. Sometimes looking up at the door just praying this is a dream and he will come walking in with my bouquet of Daisy's.....my flowers for Valentines Day that He started getting me just last year...a new tradition. It's gone. All gone.

I love my kids. I love their huge hearts. Love that they have come as far as they have. Love what they did for me. In fact, am still shocked about it. But, is it wrong for me to want John here to give me something? Is it wrong to want him here to celebrate? Just want him?

I plan to go to church (2nd) service as most of you know if you have been reading my blog. I believe since Megan invited me...not knowing that I was planning to not go.....that God has something for me in that service. So I can't not go. It is not an option for me.

Sunday School is another story. I don't know yet if I can go. As it is well known it is mostly married couples. Yes, there are singles there....but not people like me...widowed and longing to share that day with. I just want to cover my ears and close my eyes and not hear or see what goes on. So, I don't know if I will go or not. I love David's lessons, and really don't want to miss them. They are teaching me so much. I don't know.

Matthew came to hug me goodnight tonight. And as he leaned in for me to kiss him goodnight, I said, "your heart is changing isn't it?" He said, "Yea". I know it is. It is beautiful to see what God is doing to and in him. I can't wait to watch and see.

But, don't stop praying for God's peace in his life. I believe he has brought a special friend into his life. But I want him to learn, as I am, to lean on God for all things. Pray that he would be sensitive to God's voice. He finished his monster sociology test today. So that is supposedly all he has to do to be finished with OWU. So, pray as I contact them to be sure that they find favor with him and let him finally be finished.

Pray for Hannah. She is so happy. But since the other night, since receiving her all state jacket, I have noticed a difference in Hannah. As if she has something on her mind. I can only imagine. She got home at 4 today, came out to get some pizza, and went back in her room for the rest of the night. Pray that God bring her peace. And, like Matthew, if she needs a friend to talk to that He would bring someone special into her life.

Pray that she has a deep desire to seek Him and His ways.

Pray for Isaac. I know he needs a change in his heart. I know he is hurting so much. He is coming into baseball season. I went with him and bought his equipment and things that he needed. I felt so sorry for him. I didn't know what I was looking at, what he needed. He talked about what daddy would say was good, or wasn't. I know he wished he were there with him. I know it is going to be so hard for him to play. He just loved playing catch with daddy. He loved to look up in the stands and see daddy smiling....or John would go talk with him to help him. WHY?

Pray that God touch his little heart, meet his needs. I know God knows more of what he needs than even I. I pray that God meet everyone of those needs.

Pray for Rach. She went to the camp with the church this weekend. I am kind of afraid to go to bed. We have been sleeping in her bed. I will be alone. Though Hannah will be in the bunk above me....there won't be a warm body close to me.

I pray that she will learn to live for Christ and to serve Him in her life. I pray for her protection.

Pray for protection for our whole family. I have been praying for a hedge of angels around each of us.

Pray for Peace.

And you know...I hurt for me and v-day. But I just realized that the kids always loved to celebrate this day because John always made it fun........it's gone.....all gone.

Pray for us.

Love you all.....
Saundra