Sunday, February 7, 2010

Well here it is Sunday afternoon. I have made it that far and have not cried a whole lot. I cried a little in Sunday School when we talk about circumstances making us more like Him. How we don't choose the circumstance, but it is there and we need to let Christ work in it to make us more like Him. That made me sad, in only that I did not choose this road, nor would I ever choose this road...ever....but here I am....and Dave is right....it is making me more and more like Christ. I WANT that more than anything. I want to be in His perfect will, in his perfect presence, daily. To do that, I must live in this circumstance to fulfill His Purpose for me. I was moved again by Dave's lesson. I believe that He has been anointed by God to give this lesson. I know, for one, I am ready and needing to hear it.

I just want to take this minute to thank Coach Brown and all who purchased those sweatshirts. I didn't know that that was going to happen until Coach Brown told me a few days before the announcement/presentation. We are so blessed. Thank you.



So, I made it through church. Went to dinner at Jay and Marilyns. Again, feeling melancholy. Missing John being there. Then I began to think that next week was Jonathon's birthday....and we were celebrating it on Sunday...the 14th. I had to swallow a lump in my throat. I did ask him what he wanted. But all that kept going thru my mind was that that was Valentines Day.



During Sunday School I kept thinking the same thing. I don't know if I will be able to go to church/Sunday School next Sunday. Everyone will be celebrating. In Sunday School I know it will be mentioned. I just don't know if I can do it. The pastor talked about next Sundays sermon, how it was on desire....and it was Valentines Day. I just don't know if I can handle that kind of talk.



I really don't know if I can handle Jonathon's birthday party. In the back of my mind I know what day it will be. AND, I don have to do something for my kids. It makes me sick to think of that. Sick. I don't know if I want to do anything for the kids. BUT, I know I don't have a choice. It hurts so much friends, it hurts. Pray for me.



Isaac has begged me since last week to let him have a super bowl party with some of his friends. I hesitated...a lot. Just because I didn't know if I could deal with "happiness, and fun." But I knew I had to think of him. So, In about 1 1/2 hours I will be hosting a Superbowl party for Isaac. I am nervous about it and really am scared about it, but Matthew said he would stay with me and make them mind.

So Hannah and I went to Target to get a few snacks. While there I thought I would get a Birthday card to Jonathon and a thank you for my little friend Harden. I never thought going into a card isle could make a person so sick to their stomach. First, I remembered that John usually picked out the boys cards....making them funny of course. Then I saw the husband's birthday cards. And I realized that I would never buy one of those again. That my kids would never buy a daddy birthday card again. Then, I began to think of all the occasions that we wouldn't have him. Father's Day, Birthday, Mother's Day, kids birthdays, and I started to feel like I was losing control of my emotions again. I just wanted out of there. I got my cards and did just that.

Now, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It will be there until I can get a grip on my emotions, my thoughts. The enemy might think he won this battle , but he is so wrong. I still believe that God will rescue me, that He will restore me. That he is my saviour. My God, in whom I trust.

Matthew is doing so well. I just love him when he is like this. Just carefree, happy, helpful etc. It certainly makes my life so much easier.

Isaac has been a little easier to deal with, but since he is having his way with this get together I think that makes a difference. Its if I had chosen not to that he would be miserable to live with right now!

Hannah is going to the church to do the super thingy there. Rach is having a friend over. So, I hope it is a quiet night regardless.

Pray for our peace. We still need peace.

Pray for each of the kids to have a deep desire to love and serve our Lord. That they will REALLY know Him.

Pray for Matthew to finish his work from OWU. He has Erin Toler who is helping him from SNU. She is being his proxy...I think it is.....to help him. I hope they can get together soon.

Pray for my wisdom. I need wisdom to take care of my children, my home, my finances, every day things that I have to do to survive and to make the right choices.

Thanks for all your help, care,concern,and prayers. I know that your prayers, that God hears, are helping me so much. It is so good, that when I am feeling a little down, that I know that someone else is praying for me. God hears them all......

Love,
Saundra
Please let me know if you are interested in the black "G" shirts so I can let Sallye know whether we should order more or not.