Friday, January 15, 2010

Fri afternoon....the 15th of January

Today I found out more about the recipient of My Sweethearts kidneys. He is 55 year old man, no family.

WHY????? WHY????? God??????

In the letter he talked about the things he was going to get back to doing....avid fisherman. John was an avid golfer...he won't be able to ever get back to that!!!! WHY GOD????????

55 years old??????? No children........why God.

I cry in anguish. I cry in despair. If it weren't for the precious children that John gave me, or the fact that I wouldn't see John again, I would just end this. End the pain. End the questions.

It seems so unfair. Doesn't it seem unfair to you? That God would take a wonderful man with a 4 beautiful children, a sweet much more.....that a 55 year old, single man could live?????

I am so angry right now. I cried out to John to just be here!!! That I will wake up from a horrible, horrible dream...and he will hold me again.

I feel nothing from God right now. I am so confused. Good things are happening yes. But, coincidence? Good people? Just attitudes changes?

Where are you God? Where?



Anonymous said...

I only wish your pain could be shared and you would not have to suffer alone. If we could only ask God "Why" maybe your heart could mend. Will pray continually for the healing of your heart and soul. Much Love

Kristie said...

Saundra, I do not think God took John so that other man, or any of the recipients, could live. I continue to believe that from John's accident, came the wonderful blessing(s) of life for the recipient(s), even if he has no family. It doesn't mean he has no friends, or doesn't live a worthy life. I was very much hoping that his letter of thanks would bring you some sense of relief, or happiness, in seeing what a wonderful thing it was ... seeing that John's legacy will continue on, in more ways than just his beautiful family. I'm sorry it didn't turn out that way. It was very good to see you last night ... I'm sorry that now, as then, I don't have any profound or wonderful words of wisdom. Just know that I'm continuing to pray for you and keep you in my thoughts each day.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your children today. I am truly sorry that the letter brought you such anguish, I was hoping it would be healing. I pray that you will find peace in the days to come.

Anonymous said...

Dear Saundra...

Sweet Lady. You are suffering so. As I bow my head I ask God to give me the right words that will speak to your wounded spirit. He is always faithful to us when we call upon His name.

I do not know why John's life ended so abruptly or why God chose not to heal him and restore his health. I do not believe that God caused John's death anymore than he caused the earthquake in Haiti that killed thousands of innocent men, women and beautiful little children in Haiti.

God allows things we don't understand. The man who received John's kidney may very well be in need of the Savior himself. Just maybe the ultimate gift of John's love will help to lead him one day to Jesus. I pray it is so.

Praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!
Hold on!
Your children need you!
They can not go on without YOU.
You have to decide to go on for your children.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm so sorry that the letter caused you so much pain. Honestly I'm surprised that they sent it to you so soon. I think it would have been easier to read a year from now - but this is too soon.

Just as others said, I don't think John's life was taken so that the recipients of his organs could live - that's just a blessing that John was able to give through the tragedy of his death. God loves each and every one of us. He loves John just as much as this man that now has his kidney. He didn't hurt John in order to help the other man. I know it may not seem like that right now but I pray that one day very soon it will. Just as another mentioned - maybe this was a way to give this man a chance at salvation - that's something that John would have been very happy about - being able to help another receive salvation.

I wish I had something else to say that would take away your pain. Since I am unable to do that I will just keep praying for you. I love you!


Anonymous said...

I hear your cry that others received parts of John and you have nothing left of him but the truth is, you have the best of him still with you. You were left with his love and the very depths of his soul. And even more, you were left with his legacy... Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel. Praying for you and asking specifically for peace.

Anonymous said...

This man will benefit from your husband. He has no one. No one to care, how difficult would it be to die alone? John died knowing that everyone who met him, loved him. Maybe God wanted to show you that being lonely is not the way to die, maybe this man will have a deeper relationship with God. One that might not have existed without the help of your husband. John was a great man, everyone knows that. I know it hurts, I know it's hard, but some good might come out of this. This man gained life. I really am sorry it hurts you so. I love you, I will always pray for you.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I am so so very sorry. I too hoped the letter would bring you some comfort. I feel your pain through your words. There is a song by Mark Schultz called 'He Is' that has become very special to me. Part of the chorus 'Even when it feels like there is no one holding me, be still HE IS!'. I know that you are feeling like God is far from you right now, and that is okay. But know that He IS holding you sweet Saundra.

Alisa said...

I echo what others are saying. I don't have anything else to add. I just wanted you to know that we are still thinking of you continually, and praying for peace and hope to be felt by you and your family.

Anonymous said...


I started to write but I don't think my words mean much without you knowing where I have come from. Just know that I am praying. I know your heart is breaking. I already had been praying for you today even before I read this. God has not abandoned you. He is continually bringing you to the hearts of those that pray.

I am praying for your night with your daughter at Homecoming tonight. I believe this will be one of the many times God will allow John a clear view from the stands of the witnesses. I hope you can smile up at him in pride as you watch your beautiful daughter be honored tonight.


Becky Beals

JJ said...

Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

Praying protection over you from the enemy who is trying to show you God doesn't see your pain, God doesn't understand your weakness. He knit you in your mother's womb. He is your refuge and rescue from this deapth of despair. You may never know why, but you always know who is in control beyond all our understanding. He provides the peace, love, hope and joy. You will always have those wonderful parts of John from memories and your children - even Satan can't take that away!

Kari Moroz said...

Saundra, I don't comment a lot, but I read every day. I want you to know that we are still praying and still here, so many of us. There is not one day that goes by that I'm not thinking of you--and that is the honest truth. I can't pretend to know what you are going through but please know that you are loved and continually being prayed for.
Love you!

Anonymous said...

Looks like a tsunami just washed over you. I'm praying. Hold on. Hope Hannah's Homecoming was really sweet in its own way. I know you will make it. If you like, we can meet again. I'll try to call you tomorrow...or just email or call (any hour of the day or night). The wave will subside. Just breathe. I love you.

Grace Smith said...


Please, tie one more knot in the rope and hold on while we support you in prayer.

I hope the words to this song, "God will make a way, (when there seems to be no way)" by Janet Paschal will bring rest and comfort.

"When a wall of circumstances leave you crying in the night and you struggle 'til your strength is almost gone, God will gently hold you in the shelter of his heart..."


Anonymous said...

Hannah was beautiful last night, as always. I watched her walk across the stage, I realised she has your eyes. I know it's simple and something you have most likely heard before, but she is beautiful, a mix of you and John, as are all of your children. This must have been difficult for you, but you're always in my prayers.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

John is not a body part, and never was. Those were merely part of the package that John rode in while here. The fact that someone else can continue on this earth, may mean either they can glorify God or perhaps come to know him....but who John is was not in any way one of these bodies of flesh, but rather his soul and his spirit. I Pray you will someday feel a peace about his wish to donate those things to others, so possibly God can work in thier lives. My uncle lived till he was 75, he was autistic, never married and I loved him dearly and he was an inspiration to me, I hope these folks will live on as an inspiration to others through this.... Still Prayin...Jeff

Jean said...

I am so sorry that this man's letter upset you and do wish that it had been held back for a year or two. Please tuck it away for the future.

I know these are hard days and nights and your loss is so sad.

Know that you took the high road and gave someone else a precious gift. I know that is cold comfort today.

I wish you a night of good sleep and maybe tomorrow will seem a little distressing.



missd said...

Hi Saundra,
I was wanting to catch up with you and family after the holidays. I havn't been on here in a few weeks, keeping busy with life. You were on my blogspot page when I went on it, and I noticed you've still been blogging. I havn't had a chance to read everything, but you've been on my mind and in our prayers--we also ran across a card we never mailed to your family and got it out to you yesterday (I'm still finding Christmas tree needles in my vacuum and i had a ornament hanger caught in there today--wonder what else I've overlooked...)

I had gone to bed but couldn't sleep and decided to tell you about a story that is on my mind. Take it or leave it: i went through many tough issues, some similar to yours and some different, but i decided to as a counselor from church about a few things. The "Whys" and "How longs" and "how do you go on's" and he told me an old story i had heard somewhere in my history as a PK and then a Nazarene Evangelists Kid. The story of John Wesley and his mentors. Have you ever heard that story? Well, many many years ago, maybe 7 generations ago there was a preacher man who noticed a lonely man on the street near his house every day. He decided to help him, feed him, house him and get him into church. He took many hours, years and resources to care for this man as he felt it was his duty--nobody else was caring for him and he could. That lonely man studied and became a preacher. When he was in his first pastorate he took a young man under his wing and taught him everything he knew and helped him go to school and become a pastor of a nearby church. That man, the 3rd preacher, then found a younger man to mentor and lead him into the ministry. When he was pastoring a church he found a young man who needed his assistance and he got him into the church doors by way of his belly, and then he led him by the hand, year after year, until he learned the Bible and went to college to become a pastor. That 5th pastor met a young man, later in his pastorates, and his name was John. John had a family, but his pastor mentored him in the Word and Way, and he became the famous minister who founded the Wesleyan theology of the Nazarene, Methodist, Menonite (and Crossings Community Church). Of course, I already told you, this ministers name was John Wesley. He and his brother, Charles Wesley, wrote many of the hymns in our hymnals (even some Calvinistic Baptist hymnals).

missd said...

I know, I wondered why should I be listening to this story, how can it apply to me. Well, each man just did what he was supposed to do for those around them, not knowing the outcome. They never saw the outcome of their labors. Never knew why they were helping someone. They didn't know they would be significant in founding our church tradition and theology. So, I guess I try to just do what I know is right, even if I don't see why I should. Maybe it will be helping someone I don't even know. But, this is the hallmark of holiness, our whole theology, walking in the Spirit, even if we don't know "Why" nor "How" nor "How long"...

We won't have every answer until the day we stand before Him and can ask Him face to face. One day we will know "Why" we are where we are. But for now, I try to just live each day like it's my last; do my best and even be a little lazy after yard work if I want; and try to be the best mom I can with what I have and where I am right now. I do wonder "Why me" and what about all my plans, and "How" and "How Long" can I do this, or do I have to do this. But I know, no matter what thoughts I may entertain, I know God can use me where I am, and maybe He is even sending me where I go daily??? I just try to read the Bible, Psalms and New Test., and then try to pray a bit each day, and of course when I drive or have a meeting, etc. Pray to do His will and thank Him for giving me strength to do His plan, or the plan I didn't pick for myself, the life I just happen to be living right now. Who knows, maybe my kid will help raise a famous minister like Billy Graham, or maybe it will be her great, great, great

Take care.
Peace and Prayers, Dawna

Anonymous said...

This post is one I can hardly find words for a comment, except to tell you I AM still praying for you, Saundra.

Again this organ donor/organ recipient thing is something I have not experienced, therefore, I don't have words for. I have always truly respected families that were able to share a part of their loved ones so that another might have life. Maybe that's what is meant laying down your life for your brother...I don't know. I can see this as something John would feel strongly about. Maybe down the road, God will help you see the good in it all and that a part of John lives on...not with you and the kids, but so that someone else can share their life with their family.

I so agree with the person that said 'you have nothing left of him but the truth is, you have the best of him still with you'. He left an amazing legacy to his children, something a lot of fathers...old and young...cannot do.

I will not forget you and I will continue to pray.

Much love. JM

Anonymous said...

I hope you are OK, just discovered this online today.