Sunday Jan 17, 2010

Several of you mentioned Hannah. Wasn't she beautiful. I wish that John could have seen her. She was so happy. I am glad that she could be. I like what one of you said...that maybe this was one time that God allowed John to see what was happening here. I pray that he did.

I sit here...I don't know what to write....These last few days I have questioned God more than ever in my life....no...I have received no answers.

I questioned his existence. I questioned his reasoning? Questions, questions and more questions. This morning in church, a line in the song was...something about a "merciful God"....I stopped singing and asked myself, "Merciful? You have got to be kidding me?" I quit singing and actually became angry at God as I stood there. Mercy? Mercy? Did I miss the meaning of Merciful somewhere? Would a God of Mercy allow a man to die who was loved dearly by his wife, who loved his wife dearly, who recently found "love" again, who has 4 children.....all so attached and loved by him...and loved him as well? Where is the mercy in that?

I don't have the answer....I know you don't have the answer. But as I read my Bible tonight....I have to say that I felt his presence...small as it was. He was with me.

I had a melt down today. I tried holding the tears in, but they won. In redoing the house there aer a lot of drawers and files to go through. I found some things of John's and I couldn't handle it.

As usual I called Marilyn, we cried together, talked together, and me and the little ones ended up over there. to work a puzzle. That just seems to really relax and calm me.

But when I got home, the enemy began to taunt me again. To chase me with the whys?, the future without him, the kids, all the holidays, the special days. etc...So I sat and read. I read the Psalms, then I read a devotional that was given to my by Sallye. Here is what it said,

I am leading you along the High road, but there are descents as well as ascents. You are longing to reach the peak, but you must not take shortcuts. Your assignment is to follow ME, allowing ME to direct your path. Let the heights beckon you onward, but stay close to Me.

Learn to trust Me when things go "wrong". Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all. Walk hand in hand with Me through this day. I have lovingly planned every inch of the way. Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep. Breathe deep draughts of My Presence, and hold tightly to My hand. TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT!

Habakuk 3:19 says: (Saundra Paraphrased) You my sovereign Lord are my strength. You will make my feet like the fee of a deer...you will enable me to go on to new heights.

I still have whys. I still have doubts about what a merciful God really is. I still have trouble seeing the reason behind it all. But...I have to believe, that after all these years of knowing MY GOD, that he hasn't left me. I may not feel him. I may not see him at work. But he is with me. And he is giving me tidbits of strength everyday. Until the day that WE MAKE IT!

Regarding the recipient of John's kidneys. While I am still reeling from all of it. Matthew put me in my place. Something had went wrong between us and I griped unnecessarily at him. I apologized to him and explained (tried to excuse my action away) to him about the letter that I had received and how disappointed I was with the outcome. He simply looked at me and said, "Well, at least someone has it". I said, "I wish no one had gotten it rather than him." In which Matthew looked at me and said, "That is selfish isn't it?"

At first I was very hurt that he didn't see it my way. But as the days went on I began to see it his way. John's way. God's way. Yes, John was never selfish. Never. He wanted this. He would not have cared who had received his kidneys. He would have been glad that someone had. God is proud of John.

I am going to write a letter to the recipient. I am going to tell him all about John. I am going to tell him about John's family. His life. His God. And like some of you have said...."Maybe he needs a savior". Maybe he will find it through John's gift. And...John's legacy lives on.

Thank you for all of your comments. I am hurting terribly today. The pain, tear, in my chest is almost overwhelming. It is overwhelming. Frankly, I would give up if it weren't for the kids. I am tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of feeling like I am doing it "all". Tired of being the "Bad" guy with the kids all the time. I don't like making decisions and there aer just too many.

Thanks for reading...each one of you. Thanks for you prayers. Thanks for ALL your gifts. Thank you to the unknown person that gave me the gift at my door that said..."A NEW BEGINNING". It is. I have to just find that beginning. I feel lost and in limbo right now. But it is all new.

Some of you hadn't heard from in a while. It was good to hear from you.

Frankie, it was great to hear from you. No, as you can see I am not alright. I will not be alright for a long time. They tell me that things will never be the same again. I am beginning to see that. And trying to figure it all out......would love to talk more with you.

Matthew will be trying to qualify for a tournament tomorrow (golf) at SNU. I don't even know how to begin to explain all that to you...but he needs to qualify. It would be awesome and a big encourager for him if he did. So pray that he plays well tomorrow. Pray that he qualifies!

Pray for each of the kids to hear God's voice in their hearts. That they will know and hear his voice and run to it.

Pray for Matthew. As the oldest I can see he is starting to trying to take on some of those responsibilities. What I want for him now is happiness for himself.....and a close relationship with our Lord.

Me...peace, peace, peace, understanding. Strength for each new task, day, event, problem etc that I face.

I have asked God to give me tangible evidence that he is with me. I want to see something....something that shows me he is with me...he is real.....and he is merciful.

Just pray....

Saundra