Well, its happened. I have been ambushed. The other wives who have lost husbands warned me about it. When everything is going great....then suddenly, that wave comes CRASHING in.
I miss him so much this morning. Questions thrash through my mind.
I will probably not do this often....but this is the the only way I feel I can express myself to you this morning...I will let you read some of my journal from this morning:
As I was having my devotion the song "That's what Faith Can do" came on. I love that song..normally. But this morning it just made me angry....made questions come...here is what I wrote....I long for that faith Lord. I need that faith to survive today. How do I get it? I had thought I had that faith when I prayed for John's healing and it didn't happen?????????
Then the song "God Bless The Broken Heart"...that led me down this road....again...anger, whys?
I wrote..How can I feel Blessed about my broken heart, not just for me but for my kids? You break our hearts so we will go down the road you have chosen for us? How do you ever consider this good God? Yes, I have drawn closer to you, I believe Matthew is coming into a relationship with You. But, why God. Why through a broken heart? How can I ever bless you for our broken hearts?
In Psalm 66 your word says you have preserved our lives. I really have to ask you God...why? I wish you would have taken us all. I think we would have all been better off. With you, and together. Why did you do it the way you did God? Why?
Not that it helped me much. Yes, honestly it did some. But then I had to come back to why as I read the book that was given to me....God Calling....it said...
(I am paraphrasing and just using parts) I am thy shield. "All is well" I can see the future. I know better than you what you need. Trust in ME absolutely. You are being led in a very definite way...
Never fear, whatever may happen. You are being led. Do not try to plan. I have planned. You are the builder, not the Architect.
Go very quietly, very gently. All is for the very best for you.
Trust me for all. Your very extremity will ensure My activity for you. And having your foundation on the Rock--Christ, Faith in Him, and "being rooted and grounded in Him,: and having belief in My Divinity as your Corner Stone, it is your to build., knowing all is well.
Literally, you have to depend on Me for everything--everything. It was out of the depths that David cried unto Me , and I heard his voice. All is well.
I thought, wow, that's good. But I always read it once...highlighting, then go back and read it again...here is my journal writing from it:
All is not well Lord....John is gone. I have a hard time trusting you absolutely when I did with John and he is gone. "All is for the best for me"????? How can that be Lord? How can this ever be for the best for me and my kids? How?
Lord, if my foundation is not on the ROCK--Christ, and Faith in You, and I am "being rooted and grounded in You.....then what more do I have to go through for that to happen?
I have cried Lord. As David cried. Why must I cry like this to get your attention? I don't understand you Lord.
Lord, today I need to hear from you. Today...I need your presence.
I write and let you into my journal so you can know how I feel today...the questions that go through my mind. Oh, I know as the kids get up one by one...I will get on with my day...but I also know that throughout the day....this will continue to be on my mind....the whys, hows,???? And my life goes on. And what a life.
Good thing we didn't have school today. I don't think I could have gone. This would not be a good day to be around all those reminders of my wonderful husband.
Well, yesterday I finished Matthew's room. His room is almost done.
Sallye and Jeff were over most of the day and we are almost finished with the girls room. Just the trim and ceiling are needing to be done..then the window treatments. But we are almost there.
I don't know if I told you that we are off the floor and mattress now! It feels so good! Isaac and Matthew are in their rooms, then the girls have a double on the bottom of the their bunk and a twin on top. So Hannah is on top and Rach and I on the bottom. I could almost have a good night sleep if I didn't wake through the night with memories flooding my mind!
Anyway, I hope the next will be our/my room. The change will be hard. I even sit here and cry thinking of it. But I can't have it like it was/is. There is too much there of him. Just too much. Oh...I want him back!!!!!
I don't know if I have the information right. So, please check into the details...with the High School, or Phil Brown...he is actually the one that talked to me. But OCS (I think) called him and said that when we play against them...I think on their court....that during half time they are going to have a fund raiser for The John Griffis Memorial Fund...where they have a free throw contest and all the proceeds will go to the fund. I thought that was so sweet of them! John...once again lives on. Why they do it I can only think that it was through his coaching basketball and golf. He was so kind and people friendly he made many friends of the other coaches. I remember sitting in the stands and watching him talk to these other coaches as if they were his best friends. So, obviously he touched someones life at OCS (i think it is that school) but whatever school it is...he touched someones life.....
Oh...I miss him today. I want him here to sleep in with. Instead of being up...alone. Waiting for one of the kids...just so there will be some kind of body....some kind of movement. God what have you allowed???????
We are making it through the weather. Yesterday we went to Grams and Gramps for lunch. Yummy Southwestern Soup. Just about the time we got home the weather hit. Jeff and Sallye came over and then they got pizza for dinner. So, we are doing fine. Matthew has no fear of the roads, so I know he will take me somewhere (close) if I need to go.
Thanks to all of you who checked in on us yesterday. It was good to know that people still remember I am alone...so to speak.
Lord, somehow, help me get to the present...and leave the past. So that I can grow in you.
Be with me....let me feel you "carry me as you carry your lambs....close to your heart" today.
Be with my kids. When it is quiet, free time, is when they miss him the most. Let them be busy today. Whether outside or inside. Lord, bring friends....
Father, bring us all closer to you. Help us to feel a longing to be closer. Help each of the kids to feel a tug at their heart to talk with you and to walk with you. Help them to feel the need to have more of a relationship with you. And Lord, help me to be an example to them.
Thanks for reading...commenting and for the advice. Stay warm today. I love you all.