Well, its happened. I have been ambushed. The other wives who have lost husbands warned me about it. When everything is going great....then suddenly, that wave comes CRASHING in.
I miss him so much this morning. Questions thrash through my mind.
I will probably not do this often....but this is the the only way I feel I can express myself to you this morning...I will let you read some of my journal from this morning:
As I was having my devotion the song "That's what Faith Can do" came on. I love that song..normally. But this morning it just made me angry....made questions come...here is what I wrote....I long for that faith Lord. I need that faith to survive today. How do I get it? I had thought I had that faith when I prayed for John's healing and it didn't happen?????????
Then the song "God Bless The Broken Heart"...that led me down this road....again...anger, whys?
I wrote..How can I feel Blessed about my broken heart, not just for me but for my kids? You break our hearts so we will go down the road you have chosen for us? How do you ever consider this good God? Yes, I have drawn closer to you, I believe Matthew is coming into a relationship with You. But, why God. Why through a broken heart? How can I ever bless you for our broken hearts?
In Psalm 66 your word says you have preserved our lives. I really have to ask you God...why? I wish you would have taken us all. I think we would have all been better off. With you, and together. Why did you do it the way you did God? Why?
Not that it helped me much. Yes, honestly it did some. But then I had to come back to why as I read the book that was given to me....God Calling....it said...
(I am paraphrasing and just using parts) I am thy shield. "All is well" I can see the future. I know better than you what you need. Trust in ME absolutely. You are being led in a very definite way...
Never fear, whatever may happen. You are being led. Do not try to plan. I have planned. You are the builder, not the Architect.
Go very quietly, very gently. All is for the very best for you.
Trust me for all. Your very extremity will ensure My activity for you. And having your foundation on the Rock--Christ, Faith in Him, and "being rooted and grounded in Him,: and having belief in My Divinity as your Corner Stone, it is your to build., knowing all is well.
Literally, you have to depend on Me for everything--everything. It was out of the depths that David cried unto Me , and I heard his voice. All is well.
I thought, wow, that's good. But I always read it once...highlighting, then go back and read it again...here is my journal writing from it:
All is not well Lord....John is gone. I have a hard time trusting you absolutely when I did with John and he is gone. "All is for the best for me"????? How can that be Lord? How can this ever be for the best for me and my kids? How?
Lord, if my foundation is not on the ROCK--Christ, and Faith in You, and I am "being rooted and grounded in You.....then what more do I have to go through for that to happen?
I have cried Lord. As David cried. Why must I cry like this to get your attention? I don't understand you Lord.
Lord, today I need to hear from you. Today...I need your presence.
I write and let you into my journal so you can know how I feel today...the questions that go through my mind. Oh, I know as the kids get up one by one...I will get on with my day...but I also know that throughout the day....this will continue to be on my mind....the whys, hows,???? And my life goes on. And what a life.
Good thing we didn't have school today. I don't think I could have gone. This would not be a good day to be around all those reminders of my wonderful husband.
Well, yesterday I finished Matthew's room. His room is almost done.
Sallye and Jeff were over most of the day and we are almost finished with the girls room. Just the trim and ceiling are needing to be done..then the window treatments. But we are almost there.
I don't know if I told you that we are off the floor and mattress now! It feels so good! Isaac and Matthew are in their rooms, then the girls have a double on the bottom of the their bunk and a twin on top. So Hannah is on top and Rach and I on the bottom. I could almost have a good night sleep if I didn't wake through the night with memories flooding my mind!
Anyway, I hope the next will be our/my room. The change will be hard. I even sit here and cry thinking of it. But I can't have it like it was/is. There is too much there of him. Just too much. Oh...I want him back!!!!!
I don't know if I have the information right. So, please check into the details...with the High School, or Phil Brown...he is actually the one that talked to me. But OCS (I think) called him and said that when we play against them...I think on their court....that during half time they are going to have a fund raiser for The John Griffis Memorial Fund...where they have a free throw contest and all the proceeds will go to the fund. I thought that was so sweet of them! John...once again lives on. Why they do it I can only think that it was through his coaching basketball and golf. He was so kind and people friendly he made many friends of the other coaches. I remember sitting in the stands and watching him talk to these other coaches as if they were his best friends. So, obviously he touched someones life at OCS (i think it is that school) but whatever school it is...he touched someones life.....
Oh...I miss him today. I want him here to sleep in with. Instead of being up...alone. Waiting for one of the kids...just so there will be some kind of body....some kind of movement. God what have you allowed???????
We are making it through the weather. Yesterday we went to Grams and Gramps for lunch. Yummy Southwestern Soup. Just about the time we got home the weather hit. Jeff and Sallye came over and then they got pizza for dinner. So, we are doing fine. Matthew has no fear of the roads, so I know he will take me somewhere (close) if I need to go.
Thanks to all of you who checked in on us yesterday. It was good to know that people still remember I am alone...so to speak.
My prayer....
Lord, somehow, help me get to the present...and leave the past. So that I can grow in you.
Be with me....let me feel you "carry me as you carry your lambs....close to your heart" today.
Be with my kids. When it is quiet, free time, is when they miss him the most. Let them be busy today. Whether outside or inside. Lord, bring friends....
Father, bring us all closer to you. Help us to feel a longing to be closer. Help each of the kids to feel a tug at their heart to talk with you and to walk with you. Help them to feel the need to have more of a relationship with you. And Lord, help me to be an example to them.
Thanks for reading...commenting and for the advice. Stay warm today. I love you all.
Love,
Saundra
Friday, January 29, 2010
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8 comments:
Saundra, I'm so sorry today has been so rough already. I pray that it gets better throughout the day and that God will give you peace and comfort and maybe even some answers to your questions.
Love you!
Donetta
Mrs. Griffis,
I have been reading from the beginning and praying. I've wept with you and prayed for you. Our families have grown up together and I know who you are, though not very well. I almost lost my husband 2 years ago, but through no understanding of my own, his life was spared and my children still have their daddy. I heard a song then and am reminded of it now. Knowing that the Lord ministers to you through music, as He does me, I hope it's a blessing. "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day. I am reminded of a prayer I prayed over you when I saw you infront of the elementary school when our oldest boys were going there. I told my husband of the strong anointing of the Lord on you. The "Call of God" as it were, was so strong on you. It's still very strong on you now. You are ministering in such huge perportions, that I don't even think you realize it. You are a wonderful and very faithful servant of Jesus. Thank you for your faithfullness to minister everyday regardless of how you feel. I just know that your crown will be huge and quite heavy from all the jewels when you see Jesus face to face. Be blessed and highly encouraged today.
Saundra,
My heart breaks for you today.
One thing that bothers me in the church-world is that there is so much bad teaching/preaching. No where is that more evident than in the topic of faith.
There are people teaching that if we just have enough faith then everything will be ok. Well, sorry but that is nonsense and completely foreign to scripture.
Paul was able to heal people but he also left one of his co-workers back in town because he was sick. He told Timothy to drink wine for his stomach problems. He himself had a thorn in the flesh that God would not heal him of.
Unfortunately, everybody does not get healed in this life.
The idea that if we have enough faith everything will work out means we have faith in faith. That is not what God asks of us. Instead, he asks us to have faith in Him.
Quite honestly, I dont know which is more difficult. If I have faith in faith I am disappointed because I never seem to have enough faith. I have faith in God I am disappointed because I rarely understand what He is up to.
But if I keep my faith in God instead of in faith then there still remains hope. I may not understand now, but maybe someday I will.
Now I see through a glass darkly but someday I will see clearly. At least I believe I will because I believe in Him and trust Him. Somehow.
God does not pick and choose who he heals and doesnt heal based on who has enough faith and who doesnt. He makes his decisions based on His sovereign will.
Those we love may not receive their healing in this life but they are healed as they step into the next life. We are left with the loss and loneliness but because we believe in Him we have the promise that we will be reunited with them once again.
In the meantime, He allows us friends and family who can comfort us and share our grief, but most importantly He sends the Holy Spirit who is our Comforter.
When we think we have no faith or strength He is embracing and carrying us.
You and your family are in our prayers daily.
dm
sometimes bad weather & bad days just seem to mesh together. but also.. think about how beautiful it is outside & think of how beautiful your children are. you are a great mom & John was a great father.. you made 4 amazing kids who are so loved by so many people. it's obvious you are down today.. but try to just think of all the amazing lives you brought into this world! think of the fact that John was such an amazing person & that he did have such an impact on so many people. be proud of the man you shared your life with. be proud that you were the ONE he wanted to spend his with. it's gotta be hard before it gets easier.. so like i said the other day.. just keep pushing through it. don't let the devil pull you down. look him right in the face & say no! you have so many things to be happy & proud of! you can't let him make you feel like nothing without John. because you're not without John. just look at each of your kids.. he's right there! i hope your day gets easier. make some hot chocolate & watch the beautiful snow! or cuddle up & watch a movie with your girls! i'd love to talk to you more. my email is jennastubbs@gmail.com please email me anytime! praying for you! i hope you enjoy the pretty snow!
Saundra,
In this random conversation, we were talking about muscles. When you work out, you tear the tissue, that's what makes it hurt so much, but when your muscles "grow" it's the tissue repairing itself, and the scar tissue make your muscles stronger. I know this may seem... weird, but maybe that is what this experience is doing to you. Yes it hurts, it tears you apart, but the scar tissue heals it, just like God. Through this you become stronger, you have more faith muscles. I thought of you when I heard this. Just a new way to perceive this tragedy. I'm sorry you had such a rough morning, I pray that it will get better.
Love and Prayers.
Saundra, I'm sorry that you are having trouble lately. It's 100% understandable in your case, thinking that you prayed and prayed but it just didn't "heal" him. I'm sure many many people are with you on this. I'm not sure if this will help, but I thought the same thing when I prayed with my friends and he wasn't "healed." Later I was thinking and it occurred to me that God still healed Mr. Griffis because in Heaven he is 100% healthy again. Even though its no where near the same as having him here with your family, I just thought that this might help. I'm sorry if it didn't. I'm still praying for you.
Tonight, Lord, I again pray for rest for Saundra and her family. I pray for Your grace and mercy to surround her family. I pray for her children as they learn to walk their fragile faith out in these days. I pray for Saundra that You will be her husband, providing for her needs, giving her wisdom as she carries on. May tomorrow bring relief from the intense pain in her heart. May she see blessings in the midst of the pain.
I continue to pray, Saundra. If you want to, let's get together again soon.
Sincerely,
Becky Beals
Saundra- I wanted to let you know your information is correct. OCS and Bethany play February 9th at OCS at 8 p.m. Trent is the coach there and is excited about honoring John's life this way. If any of your children would like to attend please let me know, Ty and I would be more than happy to take them with us. Erin
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