Friday, January 1, 2010

Jan 1 2010

Ive started something new this morning. Instead of getting on and blogging first...I talk to Jesus through his word, through his prayer and through books that I have been given. I think it is going to make a big difference to hear from God first.

Amy Siems Dillard brought a book to me and told me that it was the one that she could not live without. I started it today. It is a devotional kind of book. Written as if God is speaking to you. I can see why it was her life saver....and I can see why God wants me first thing in the morning.

Here is are some parts of what it said to me today....

I stand between the years......
Backward, over the past year is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.

Dwell not on the past...only of the present.

Bury every fear of the future....of suffering of loss. Bury all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourself, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried and go forward to a new and risen life.

Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in MY trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at time.

Leave the rest with ME. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.


I just took some excerpts out that spoke to me. They gave me hope. I have hope.

I do feel better today. I spent most of the day crying. Thankfully, the kids were always busy elsewhere that I could do that. Then Marilyn and I met with Eva (my grief counselor) and because she has been where I am she helped me to understand things that I didn't understand about myself...about my kids. What I took away the most was that I HAVE TO CRY. I can't hide from the kids. Now, yesterday would not have been a good thing for them to see. On those days she suggested I be away or alone from them. That they do need to see that I hurt too, and it is alright to cry....that I am going to be alright. But not to the point where I fall to pieces..which was yesterday.

But, it did feel good to just cry ....and cry hard. At the end of the day I was emotionally drained. But, I did feel somewhat better. Oh, I know there are going to be days like that...but I will know what to do when they come now. Eva said it is like an ocean..sometimes waves, sometimes tidal waves.

A scripture that I am leaning on that I feel is so good for me at this point is from Psalm 3:5....I will lay down and sleep, I will awaken, because The Lord sustains me. Oh, he sustains me more that at night....he is sustaining me now.

My prayers:
Joy...Eva said one day there will be joy...."joy comes in the morning!!!!"
Inner peace....even a laugh that is true
That God will be with each of my kids, filling the gap that is left. That they will be receptive to the invitations when God places that person there.
Matthew...that he will heal in God's way and time for him. That I will have patience. That he will have patience. That we can and will communicate. That the void that was left will be filled for him also. I know he is trying to find his place in this family, in this situation. Pray that God will help him find it and he will be content there.
Wisdom...for me, for the every decision, every word, every deed.
Begin now to pray for the kids as they head back to school next week. Hannah has had her full days...I think she will be fine. But I worry about Isaac and Rachel. Prayer for them....that he will give them strength, wisdom, and to be fearless to walk the halls. Pray for Rach as she has to face some challenges regarding Math and Science.....because daddy was her math is now in his old room....and Math....well, daddy is suppose to be her teacher. Pray for her little mind, her heart. Pray that anyone involved with any of the kids......will be sensitive to their needs.

Thanks for all your words yesterday.....and all the prayers. I couldn't believe how many prayers were going up for me in my time of need.

Kristie...gotta tell have a way with words that I always read yours with a smile on my face. Love ya girl. Thanks for being faithful to my blog.

Pray....that is our only answer


Anonymous said...

It's so awesome to see God answering prayers in your life, Saundra. The things you wrote about seem to me like an answer to the many prayers we are all praying. Not that everything is better by any means but the little things will eventually add up to be so big that your days will be better and your future will look brighter. :)

I will continue to pray for little answered prayers for all of your requests and especially that the transition back into school will go well for all of your kids.

Love you!

Kari Moroz said...

You're reading God Calling! I recognized it immediately--I was given that same book when I was diagnosed with cancer. That devotion was sometimes my only communication with God, I couldn't do much more than that, if even that. But God did sustain me! And He will sustain you. I love that you're reading it too. It did change me because God spoke to me through it.
And about yesterday--never feel like your blog has to be upbeat and optimistic~! Don't ever post anything but your true feelings, and don't worry about bringing us down. We are here, we are reading and praying for you and we love you!

Rebecca said...

Dear Saundra...

Do you know that people all over blogland are praying for you? I shared your name (not your Blog) on my post and several of my faithful readers shared how they are praying for you and your children. People you don't even know are lifting you up to the Most High.

I love your honesty and your commitment to the welfare of your kids. I think that by allowing them to see your tears will help them understand it is still alright for them to cry as well.

Blessings to you for the New Year. May God's grace and peace cover you and may His strength and love buoy you when the difficult days come.

"If He can carry the weight of the world upon His shoulders, I know my brother that He will carry you..."

Love to you~Rebecca

Phylis said...


It is good to see you sounding/feeling better today. Prayers continue to go up for you and the kids. God is continuing to be faithful in your life, as well as, the lives of those he brings to you. Isn't that just the way God take someone else's pain at a point in their lives and at some moment in time uses them as a blessing for someone else. HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!

I am just so thankful you are able to have a better day TODAY! I will continue to pray the requests you have put before us.

We love you!

Wsprsweetly Of Cottages said...

Everyone's grief is different. You have your plate full but you are walking your path of pain in the right direction.
I won't go into detail but I have been through it and the memory of it will never leave me. I will never be "over it" but it becomes bearable and I have learned to go on. It took over four years the first time and even then I was not "over it" as they say.
I accept that it only gets softer and more handlable.
My heart goes out to you and I hold you in God's warm loving light in my mind.

Many care!
Rebecca, one of the most precious of women, sent me your blog site.

Kristie said...

Saundra, I'm glad I can sometimes put a smile on your face, because goodness knows most of the time I don't feel like I have anything wise or profound to say. :)

Just rest assured that I am one of many who is reading, caring, and praying for you and the kids on a daily basis.

Anonymous said...

Isn't is wonderful how God knows exactly what we need and that 'someone' is listening to HIS whisper and this case Amy!

That your blog is being shared and you can hear from people that have walked your walk, BUT not your grief, because everyone's grief is different.

Please don't ever think you drag us down with your words on this blog...we need to hear them and when you really hurt, we need to know that. Thank you, thank you for being brave enough to share with us.

Praying every day...Jadean