Ive started something new this morning. Instead of getting on and blogging first...I talk to Jesus through his word, through his prayer and through books that I have been given. I think it is going to make a big difference to hear from God first.
Amy Siems Dillard brought a book to me and told me that it was the one that she could not live without. I started it today. It is a devotional kind of book. Written as if God is speaking to you. I can see why it was her life saver....and I can see why God wants me first thing in the morning.
Here is are some parts of what it said to me today....
I stand between the years......
Backward, over the past year is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.
Dwell not on the past...only of the present.
Bury every fear of the future....of suffering of loss. Bury all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourself, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried and go forward to a new and risen life.
Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in MY HANDS....in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at time.
Leave the rest with ME. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.
AND EACH DAY I SHALL SUPPLY THE WISDOM AND THE STRENGTH.
I just took some excerpts out that spoke to me. They gave me hope. I have hope.
I do feel better today. I spent most of the day crying. Thankfully, the kids were always busy elsewhere that I could do that. Then Marilyn and I met with Eva (my grief counselor) and because she has been where I am she helped me to understand things that I didn't understand about myself...about my kids. What I took away the most was that I HAVE TO CRY. I can't hide from the kids. Now, yesterday would not have been a good thing for them to see. On those days she suggested I be away or alone from them. That they do need to see that I hurt too, and it is alright to cry....that I am going to be alright. But not to the point where I fall to pieces..which was yesterday.
But, it did feel good to just cry ....and cry hard. At the end of the day I was emotionally drained. But, I did feel somewhat better. Oh, I know there are going to be days like that...but I will know what to do when they come now. Eva said it is like an ocean..sometimes waves, sometimes tidal waves.
A scripture that I am leaning on that I feel is so good for me at this point is from Psalm 3:5....I will lay down and sleep, I will awaken, because The Lord sustains me. Oh, he sustains me more that at night....he is sustaining me now.
Joy...Eva said one day there will be joy...."joy comes in the morning!!!!"
Inner peace....even a laugh that is true
That God will be with each of my kids, filling the gap that is left. That they will be receptive to the invitations when God places that person there.
Matthew...that he will heal in God's way and time for him. That I will have patience. That he will have patience. That we can and will communicate. That the void that was left will be filled for him also. I know he is trying to find his place in this family, in this situation. Pray that God will help him find it and he will be content there.
Wisdom...for me, for the kids...in every decision, every word, every deed.
Begin now to pray for the kids as they head back to school next week. Hannah has had her full days...I think she will be fine. But I worry about Isaac and Rachel. Prayer for them....that he will give them strength, wisdom, and to be fearless to walk the halls. Pray for Rach as she has to face some challenges regarding Math and Science.....because daddy was her math teacher....science is now in his old room....and Math....well, daddy is suppose to be her teacher. Pray for her little mind, her heart. Pray that anyone involved with any of the kids......will be sensitive to their needs.
Thanks for all your words yesterday.....and all the prayers. I couldn't believe how many prayers were going up for me in my time of need.
Kristie...gotta tell ya....you have a way with words that I always read yours with a smile on my face. Love ya girl. Thanks for being faithful to my blog.
Pray....that is our only answer