Jan 27, 2010...p.m.

Today was one of those days where I just kept saying to myself, "I can't believe he is gone." It just kept going over and over again in my head. Just small, short thoughts. Yet they were there. Always I tear in my chest. But always being carried by my God....and ALWAYS close to his heart.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. YES!!! It was initially planned that Rach would return to her science class maybe 10 min at a time. (for most of you....when John passed, to help the kids, they moved the science room into his room and the math room into the science room...well Rach had math with John...so going to her science class was unbearable for her...AND ME!!!) Anyway, we marked Monday as the day. When it came time she was a little hesitant at first, but I told her that when she was ready to leave just tell me and we would go.

Mrs. Newberry was so kind. She had a student move up a seat so Rach and I could sit next to each other...and Rach next to one of her friends Morgan Rothwell. It made me feel so good when I saw the look that Morgan gave Rach...it was one of....I am so proud of you. Even at that young I think Morgan knew how hard it was for Rach.

Throughout the class I kept asking Rach if she was alright because she would look at me and smile. I think now it was a smile of...."Mom, we can do this!" and we did. Later in the evening I asked her if she wanted to go the next day and she said "Yes, she would." I asked if she wanted me to go with her. She said, "No, I think Morgan and I can do it together." I am so proud of her. It was very hard for me. Seeing his room so different. Changed. The pics that Rach had made for him from Kindergarten...and on. Just to see HIS room different was very hard for me. But, I actually think I struggled more than Rach. But, she did it! Praise the Lord!

Hannah played last night. And though she only played for a few minutes that 3 pointer was worth it. The smile running back was even better. I wish John was there to see it.

When we got home from the game we found Jeff and Sallye here. Remember I had painted 3 of the girls walls. Well, they had cleaned the room and put the furniture back. WHY? So I could sleep in a bed!!!! They have a bunk bed, so Rach and I slept in the double and Hannah on top. I slept great. It was probably the first I have slept that good since..... I woke up some,, but it wasn't because I was freezing from being on the floor, or back hurting from being on the mattress. I didn't have to make up the mattress and the couch, or clean up the next morning at 6:00 to get everything off the floor so we could move. It made life so much easier! Thank you so much Jeff and Sallye. God tugged and they moved. Now all we have to do to their room is finish that one wall and the trim....and they can really be moved in!

Matthew is doing alright. He is just quiet now. Which isn't any different than before. He spoke in FCA in the High School today which made me very proud. He asked me not to come because he was so nervous already. But Hannah said he did well. I knew he would.

I took Isaac over to grams and gramps to do homework tonight. We had a lot to do and I just didn't think I could do it again. It went great. Course earlier in the day...after school he and I had talked. I told him how I hated the way things were between us. We talked it out and I think he understood my side ...I think. Anyway...it went smoothly at gramps and he got all his homework done. I teased him and said, "See, how easy things can go when you do what you are suppose to do?" He just smiled.

Rach is doing alright. We moved her from Intermediate Math to General. John and I talked her into taking Intermediate this semester because it seemed that it was coming so easy to her. So easy in fact that it surprised John and I because we thought that would be the subject she struggled in.

Well, as we get further into this semester it seems that she is moving backwards in her math skills. I think it is just too much of change in math for her. From her daddy to a different teacher, and different skills. But it seems like she is still struggling some. Cooper Siems came over last night and helped her. I think he may have her back on track now.

Hannah is doing well except in History. She is struggling in there for some reason. But she is going to talk to the teacher and see what needs to be done.

Tammy, you are right. Karen can make anyone laugh. I don't remember the time she made me laugh...but thanks for telling me. I never thought I would LAUGH again. God is good. He is creating a new me. Thanks for noticing and telling me. I love you and love working with you.

Kori...John and I did/and do love Kelsi. She was always so kind and sweet in our classes. What I said is what I meant. She is still very special to me.

Chris and Kristie...I know that what you both say is true. But right now...I feel like I walk a very thin line with him. I mean...how do I know that the way he is acting is not out of missing his daddy. If it is, I don't want to be too hard on him. I am so confused about how to handle any of the kids. I am so afraid of hurting them more than they already are.

Tollya...I am sure you read above about the science class. It is so sweet that Bethany noticed. That says something to me. That she really cares about my Rachel. I love Bethany. She is so sweet. Rachel sure has a great group of supporting friends. Thanks for mentioning it.

To all of you...thank you for your prayers, and thoughts. Thanks for continue to read and for the commenting...I cannot live without your comments. I really do take each one to heart.

Prayers:
Pray that God direct me and guide me and raising, teaching and disciplining the kids.

Pray that each one of them will begin to have a desire, I mean a deep desire to know our Saviour, their Saviour.

Pray a hedge of protection, a hedge of angels around each of us as we go to school, to the golf course, where ever we may be. That the enemy will not be able to touch us as we heal.

Pray for Matthew to finish his work from OWU and that they would work with us.

Pray for Jay and Marilyn and Dawn. They are hurting as I am.

I want to be closer, more of what God wants me to be. Pray that as I read his word that I would have wisdom and understanding. That he would give me insight into his word.

I love you all,
Saundra

PS...Pray for the weather and me. I have never been alone in the icy snowy weather. You may not understand but I am kind of scared. What do I do? Is there anything I am suppose to do to the house to prepare it? Anything outside? Cover anything? I am kind of afraid. And what if I can't get out? Matthew will try and that terrifies me. Just pray for me.