Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jan 11, 2010 pm

Well I made it through another day. But I didn't fair as well as I did yesterday. I think I may have went into it just too fast or something.

Got up, had devotions....but had a tear in my chest all morning. Held the tears in because we were rushing around getting ready.

Got to school, was doing fine...the the tear was getting bigger....I could feel it. Then the memories started rushing in....things would happen that would bring him back to me. I wanted John there. I wanted to go to his room to say Hi. I wanted to see him in the workroom. I sat at my computer wondering who I could send a "love poem" to, or just a note to tell him I loved him. There was no one.

I went into the work room and just happened to look at the mailboxes....he wasn't there. I went to my room, and had to talk to someone who could feel what I was feeling. So I called Marilyn. She reminded me of our devotion that morning ...to just trust. We talked for a while and got off the phone. I just sat....and remembered that He promised that He would sustain me. I just prayed and begged Him to Sustain me then.

It wasn't long and I did stop crying...with the help of Mrs. Benda and Mrs. Wetwiska. Two teachers at the school.

But, once I have those "tidal waves", I am emotionally and physically drained. My day was done. I couldn't focus. I couldn't even work. I hadn't really finished......I still had a big tear in my chest.

When I got home we were suppose to leave right away for Hannah's game. But Jay was still with the golf team...no fault of his. But by the time he got back it would be too late to see Hannah play. So we weren't able to go.

I was so weary, I just told Marilyn that I was going to go into the living room (we were at her house) and sleep. I went in and wept. Wept because I should have been at that game. Wept because I was alone. Wept because I missed John so much. I wanted him to be there to fix things like he always did. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know how long I slept. But woke with a tear still in my chest.

We ate dinner there and had the pleasure of Nick and Kay (my bro and sister in law from Mounds OK to come and visit for a little while.

When they left, I stood and just wanted to cry. I have the biggest tear in my chest. I am so unhappy right now. Sad? Maybe that's what it is called. In despair. Yes. Discouraged. Yes. I know I've hear it "How can you be so sad? Look what is happening at your house? Look how God has answered prayers!!!" I will tell you how.....I have lost one of the most important person in the world to me. My other half..literally. My helper. My best friend. My husband. My life. I have lost it. It is gone forever.

We were in the store the other day and I was looking jewelry and Matthew came up behind me and we walked away together.. I said...you know what I just realized? I will never have anyone that loved me like your daddy did give me another piece of jewelry. Never. Never. So sweetly, he said, "I will". But you, who are married...you know what I mean...you know there is nothing better than receiving something from the one you are married to.

I don't know if I will go to work tomorrow. Today was so hard. I am just worn out. Maybe I should have started every other day. I don't know. Right now I don't know much. Just that I am in great pain. I miss John so much.

I know most of you won't get this till Wed. morning...but pray for me. Just pray.

Thanks to all of you who commented today....old and new friends.


Anonymous said...

Saundra, I am praying for you tonight. Pat

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that it was such a difficult day. I am still praying for you. I love you!!


Anonymous said...

I don't expect anyone will wonder why you are sad. Yes, you may have gotten some of your prayers answered, but you did loose someone you loved very much. I hope you keep coming to school, but I understand if you do go every other day. I love you!
Love and Prayers.

Grace Smith said...


I'm so sorry your day was even more difficult than usual. It sounds like you had "rain" all day.

Still praying... praying that you feel something, anything to remind you that God is with you, holding you in the palm of his hand.

Like the song you've alluded to on occasion, "Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds the future, and I know who holds my hand".

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

Praying that God will give you strength for the day, rest for the night and peace always.

God Bless,