Monday, January 18, 2010

Mon, Jan 18, 2010

Woke this morning with a very sick feeling in my stomach. Like I am losing control. Control of me.

Read my devotions. Feel no better really. Don't feel like God is helping me. Is it me? Do I not have the faith I need? I feel so lost. So alone. I belong no where. I want so much to just feel a bit of his presence....a bit of SOMETHING!

I begged God this morning for so much...peace, joy, help, salvation, freedom from this pain, this hurt, direction, refuge.......what more do I ask?

And I wait......

I don't know what today holds. I am almost coming to that point where I don't care what today holds. It all hurts no matter what comes my way. In my devotion God tells me to hold his hand. How can I do that when I can't find him in this? I am so tired. Tired of it all.

Matthew is trying to qualify to play golf today. Don't forget to pray that God would guide his hands, his mind, his eyes. That he would qualify to play. I just believe that would do so much for his heart and soul.

Isn't it funny. I don't feel God. I can't find Him. Yet I ask you to pray for Matthew. See, I know He is there. Even though I don't feel him or see him. I just need Him so much that I don't understand why he is so far from????? I can't figure it out????

Pray for the kids and I as we go through our daily grind. I know Isaac has a game tonight. I am so thankful that it is a home game. Why they have one on a day off is beyond me.

Pray for Jeff and Sallye. They have been like family for me. They have been here for me since day one. I feel like I am overloading them with my pain, my hurt, my tears. The things that they are doing for me. You know...I never ask...they always know what I need. But, I feel like it is wearing them out as much as I am wearing myself out. Give them the strength they need to do what they feel in their heart God has given them to do. They really do feel that this is their calling. Pray that they have strength to do their calling.

Pray for God to reveal himself to me. I don't know how much longer I can go without seeing Him at work...in a tangible way. Why not ask that? They did in the Bible! I have the same right. Who was it? Elijah that laid the lams wool out and asked if it be God's will to let there be dew on it...but not on the ground. The next morning it was dewey...the ground dry. BUT, just to be sure he did it the next night but turned it around....the ground dewey...the wool dry. And it was. That's all I ask...A tangible show that he is here.

Pray that he be with my children. Each of them need a personal relationship with God. That isn't just my longing...I know that is God's also. So, please pray that they begin to feel that desire in their hearts...to know him at his fullest.

I miss John so much. I pray that that you would pray that somehow God replace that longing...that pain with some kind of joy.

All this must sound crazy to all of you. This rambling. These unanswerable things. These questions....these prayers...etc....but I am so desperate for help that I am willing to ask for anything...anything.

He says we can ask anything in his name...I am taking him at his word.

Todd, I know you must be in pain. I know you must be hurting. But, I am not sure I can help you at all. I am still in such great despair, such great pain. I am not sure i would help you at all. I will pray for you. Pray that God will help you through this. It is painful. I wish it on no one. You lost a part of you...a part of you...that can never be reclaimed. I will listen to you....I will comment to you...but I feel a failure myself in my faith. I don't know how that could possibly help you.

Please....pray for me.
Saundra

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I've gotten in on the last half of a couple of Isaac's games, as I waited for the 9th grade game and my cousin, Luke, to play. Isaac is quite good; I've enjoyed watching him!!! I see you there from a distance and pray for you,Jay, and Marilyn.
Love, Madalyn

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

Will just share something that I did during my days of feeling "no God" that helped me. I started a daily list. On one side I listed all my blessings, on the other side I listed all my requests and needs.

Occasionally I come across that journal and I always rejoice in God's faithfulness to me even when I couldn't see or feel him.

I planted some tulips last fall. I don't see any sign of them coming up in the cold wet dirt, but one of these days I'm going to see a little green sprout sticking up through the ground. Even now, when I don't see anything happening, I'm trusting that something is going on in that dark place.

Love,
Paula A.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you Saundra, and the children, that God will give you the peace that you need so much. Pat

Anonymous said...

Dear Saundra,
You have been dealing with you grief longer than I have since my Mother just passed away 3 weeks ago - so I guess we are in different stages of grief. I focus on my Father and I tall to him on the phone daily - as you tend to focus on your children. Since he is in Oregon, I don't have the ever present reminders that you do. It comes at unexpected times and the grief and sense of loss hits. I was on the phone talking to her when the stroke hit ... As to your questions of why to God ... I was always taught that as meer men we never can comprehend what Gods plan and rationale is. We just have to accept it and remember the blessings we have and have had. Much easier said than done we are discovering...
Thank you for your prayers - you are in mine as well.
Todd

Grace Smith said...

Saundra,

This song written by Bill and Gloria's daughter has been running through my head ever since I read yesterday's blog. Today I thought it might be appropriate for you to see the words, so as I listened to Mark Lowry sing the words, I typed them for you. I hope it helps.
===============================
Make it real (Suzanne Gaither Jennings)

If you want to listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSk-JuzlmtI
-----------------------------------
I've seen alot of crazy things done in your name, I know the tricks behind the magic show

I've almost thrown the towel in a time or two and walked away from everything I know

But I can't fill the emptiness inside of me, or calm the troubled waters of my mind

So if you're really out there and you're listening

Then prove to me that those who seek will find
-------------------------------
Chorus
If you can just see fit to show me some of who you are

If you can shed some light into this broken sinner's heart

I need to know the truth and I need something I can feel

I need you to make it real
-----------------------------------
There must be some good reason why you brought me here, Through valleys where the shadows hover close

Down here, there's a mask to cover every face, your sweet face I long to see the most

So if you think there's just the slightest hope for me, In spite of all my questions and my doubts

Then let me hear your still small voice speak out my name, And let me know what others talk about
------------------------------
Chorus
If you can just see fit to show me some of who you are

If you can shed some light into this broken sinner's heart

I need to know the truth and I need something I can feel

I need you to make it real
===================================
Still praying for all of you, but especially for you to see or feel something of God's presence with you.

krueth said...

I found your blog somehow, and have been praying for you. I just felt the need to write and tell you that God is with you right now..and He is carrying you each step of the way because He knows you can't make it on your own right now...Get a copy of the Footprints poem. I will continue to pray for you and the family. A lurker, Wendy

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

I know you feel so lost and alone...but keep hanging on. You are actually grieving out loud. God is holding you while you kick and scream and cry. He is letting you get it all out. He will still be holding you when all the tears and fears and anguish subside.

You may feel like your faith is weak...but that's when He is the strongest. You, my sweet sister-in-Christ, are going to be OK. Just keep calling out, crying, sharing your pain. That's part of your healing. And God is the One who holds you the closest during your pain.

Praise God for Jay & Marilyn, for Matthew (I'm so proud of him!), Hannah, Isaac and Rebekah...and all the people around you who are also holding you up in God's arms.

I will be celerating with you, with God, with John and with everyone else when you get through the other side of this valley of the shadow of death.

I love you, my friend.
Eva

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I was in church today and a woman sang the first verse to "Amazing Grace," it was beautiful. I thought of John and you, and what you said about his voice. I wish it was him singing it! You are still in my prayers, and I hope that you will see that God is merciful, kind, and loving. The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God will not.
Here's a Prayer that is a reminder of God's presence in our lives.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

Continually praying for you. For your struggle with understanding all of this, for you to 'feel' God's presence, for a hedge of protection around you and the kids - mentally and physically, for God to show you His plan, for wisdom, strength of mind, will, and body, for lighness of heart, for the pain to go away, and for God's abiding touch.

Mindy S.

Debbie said...

Saundra,
Reading your post the past few days reminded me of the poem "Footprints in the sand".
I know sometimes you don't feel it, but He is carrying you during these times. He is ALWAYS there!
I don't know you personally, but I felt compelled to send this to you. Offer all your worries,fears and pain up to Him...He WILL carry you!
God's special Blessings toyou and your family.

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

Kathy Patredis said...

Saundra,
You've been in my thoughts & in my prayers so much lately--I just thought I should let you know.I can't even begin to fathom the pain & loss you must be living with . . .I'm sure there are really no words that adequately express it. But I think it's healthy that you are trying to express your grief. That's better than holding it in. All I know is that God loves you so deeply and desires to help you carry this heavy load. Thankfully, your children will also help by bringing small moments of joy amid the otherwise dreary days. One thing that seems to lift my spirits is truth-filled music. I hope you have times to feed your soul & spirit with uplifting music. I heard a song on the radio recently that made me think of you. It's by Sidewalk Prophets and it's called, "These are the words I would say." You might know it, but here are the lyrics:

"Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say."

Just know that you are being uplifted in our prayers.
Kathy