Woke this morning with a very sick feeling in my stomach. Like I am losing control. Control of me.
Read my devotions. Feel no better really. Don't feel like God is helping me. Is it me? Do I not have the faith I need? I feel so lost. So alone. I belong no where. I want so much to just feel a bit of his presence....a bit of SOMETHING!
I begged God this morning for so much...peace, joy, help, salvation, freedom from this pain, this hurt, direction, refuge.......what more do I ask?
And I wait......
I don't know what today holds. I am almost coming to that point where I don't care what today holds. It all hurts no matter what comes my way. In my devotion God tells me to hold his hand. How can I do that when I can't find him in this? I am so tired. Tired of it all.
Matthew is trying to qualify to play golf today. Don't forget to pray that God would guide his hands, his mind, his eyes. That he would qualify to play. I just believe that would do so much for his heart and soul.
Isn't it funny. I don't feel God. I can't find Him. Yet I ask you to pray for Matthew. See, I know He is there. Even though I don't feel him or see him. I just need Him so much that I don't understand why he is so far from????? I can't figure it out????
Pray for the kids and I as we go through our daily grind. I know Isaac has a game tonight. I am so thankful that it is a home game. Why they have one on a day off is beyond me.
Pray for Jeff and Sallye. They have been like family for me. They have been here for me since day one. I feel like I am overloading them with my pain, my hurt, my tears. The things that they are doing for me. You know...I never ask...they always know what I need. But, I feel like it is wearing them out as much as I am wearing myself out. Give them the strength they need to do what they feel in their heart God has given them to do. They really do feel that this is their calling. Pray that they have strength to do their calling.
Pray for God to reveal himself to me. I don't know how much longer I can go without seeing Him at work...in a tangible way. Why not ask that? They did in the Bible! I have the same right. Who was it? Elijah that laid the lams wool out and asked if it be God's will to let there be dew on it...but not on the ground. The next morning it was dewey...the ground dry. BUT, just to be sure he did it the next night but turned it around....the ground dewey...the wool dry. And it was. That's all I ask...A tangible show that he is here.
Pray that he be with my children. Each of them need a personal relationship with God. That isn't just my longing...I know that is God's also. So, please pray that they begin to feel that desire in their hearts...to know him at his fullest.
I miss John so much. I pray that that you would pray that somehow God replace that longing...that pain with some kind of joy.
All this must sound crazy to all of you. This rambling. These unanswerable things. These questions....these prayers...etc....but I am so desperate for help that I am willing to ask for anything...anything.
He says we can ask anything in his name...I am taking him at his word.
Todd, I know you must be in pain. I know you must be hurting. But, I am not sure I can help you at all. I am still in such great despair, such great pain. I am not sure i would help you at all. I will pray for you. Pray that God will help you through this. It is painful. I wish it on no one. You lost a part of you...a part of you...that can never be reclaimed. I will listen to you....I will comment to you...but I feel a failure myself in my faith. I don't know how that could possibly help you.
Please....pray for me.