Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Jan 13...Wed 2010

Oh....if each of your prayers would only come true I wouldn't feel as I feel now. I am so unhappy.

It was a very hard day. I ran into someone today that told me how hard it was to be a single mother. I was already heavy in heart. But that put me over the edge. Around 11 (my lunch time) I left and went to Jay and Marilyn's (since my house is being painted) no one was there, I let myself in and I cried. I cried...why Lord? I talked to John, told him how I missed him. How much I wanted him there with me.

I went back to work around 1 to finish my day at school. As I was leaving I got a call that set me back days, perhaps weeks, it was from the Lifeshare people. They are the ones that John donated all his organs to. Yes, I agreed, regretfully, but that is what he wanted.

Anyway, they have a letter from the kidney recipient that they want to send me. They had to get permission from me to send it to me. I accepted. She said there may be more that come in from heart, lung.....But anything they write or I write has to go through them. I held myself together to get out of the school, and Marilyn picked us up and took us first to our house to see the paint, then to her house.

She knew something was up. We have learned to read each other like a book. I told her of the the call and she too shed many tears and cried out. It sees so horrible to us.

I told my mom and Sallye, it just seems unfair that a stranger has a part of my loved one....and I have nothing. Nothing. It seems unfair.

I wait for the peace. I wait for the joy. I wait for His presence to overcome. I wait. I feel nothing but pain, hurt, despair. I am hurting friends.

I don't know what tomorrow holds for me tomorrow. I don't know if I want to know.

Matthew starts school. Everything is going well for him. He took Isaac to get a haircut today, then out to the golf course for a while. What a giant step for him. You could tell it made a difference to Isaac too.

Hannah is getting ready for her big night. Homecoming. I feel bad that I just can't get the happy out. It isn't that I'm not happy for her...I am! But, I can't feel it! It just isn't there.

We just need prayer in our home. I need prayer.

Pray that God surround our home, our hearts, our minds, and our souls with his angels. To protect us from the arrows of the enemy.

Continue to pray for the hearts of my children. I want our home to be a home filled with his spirit....where you will find the spirit of God in each of their hearts.

We are getting desperate for our little truck. Now that Matthew is in school.....3 of us going 3 different places....

I have a decision to make this Saturday. Pray for wisdom from above and for me to see it clearly.

Strength

Good Night
I love you all. I loved all of your comments and prayers....please don't stop.

Love you,
Saundra

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't worry. The prayers have NOT stopped!!!

Anonymous said...

Saundra:

There are going to be times that well-meaning people will say things that cut deep and cause panic to arise. I am so sorry. Being without John will be incredibly tough - but you have an incredibly tougher God who very much cares about widows(I hate that term) and the fatherless.

I struggle the most when I look at the vast future in front of me. I do much better when I take each day as it comes.

"As your days, so shall your strength be."

I continue to pray for you. Hundreds of people are still praying for you. I continue to pray for Matthew.

God IS answering our prayer. He is walking closely with you as you grieve the loss of John. He will not leave you.

Now I pray for sleep for you to face tomorrow.

One walking the journey of grief,

Becky

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
You have been on my mind all day. As I drove home, I even composed the comment I would post. Now, after reading yours, I'm not sure what to write. But, I feel that the Lord wants me to go ahead and say what I originally planned. Have you thought about changing out the bed in your bedroom? Maybe you could borrow a twin bed from someone. Getting your rest is so important right now as you "heal". I know you are sleeping on a mattress in the living room. Since you are getting the rooms painted and you seemed to be OK with that, I thought this might be the time for a change in your bedroom. People often underestimate the power of rest. Just a thought!

Anonymous said...

Saundra:

I saw you today at the Colonial Fair at School. You are strong and you are grieving but you showed me strength today. I am going to leave this note anonymous because I want you to realize that while we only exchanged a smile and a nod I want you to realize you are getting it and you are getting there. Where ever "there" is you will get there one step at a time one moment at a time. That smile and that nod is just away that I hope you can see others want to support you with each difficult moment. While we are only acquaintances you are touching lives by just being. You and your family are in my prayers daily. God is Blessing you with each memory and moment the painful ones and the happy ones. I look forward to the day that I will see your bright smile, the one that radiates from within because God has healed the wound and the scare is beautiful perfection.

Your friend in Christ.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

I read your post often and want to let you know that my heart just breaks for you and your precious family! Please know that you are not walking this road alone! You are continuously being lifted to the Father!

Love you lots!

Todd said...

Sending you strength and love.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

I have been gone and in Arizona since 12-29-09. My mom lives there and underwent surgery as well as having to move all within a 30 day period. It has been a challenge but things are better now. I just wanted you to know that all this time you and your family has never, for even a day, left my mind, thoughts or prayers. I continue to pray for you and the kids. Caught up on all the blogs I missed and continue to pray for you all.

You are Never alone,

Wendy Vaughn

Katy Bradley said...

I read your blog and wipe tears from my eyes each day. I have not commented yet because I do not have words to say that I imagine could bring you comfort, joy, peace, strength, or anything else you are so desperately seeking. However, I know we serve a God who does and I have cried out to him each day to fill you with those things and wrap his arms so tightly around you. Tonight, He asked me to tell you my prayers.
I continue to pray that Matthew feel connected here at school and realize that God has such huge things in store for his life and he will be able to use his pain and circumstances to reach out to others who are lost and hurting.
I pray that Hannah will listen to the still, small voice inside of her as she runs, walks on the court for Homecoming, crosses finish lines, and more. The voice of her Daddy saying "well done. i am so proud of you."
I pray that Issac will begin to discover his "new normal" as he enjoys time with Matthew and looks to him for advice and guidance. I pray for his schoolwork and homework.
I pray for Rebecca as she so sweetly stands by your side in support. I pray that as she is surrounded by memories, as you are, at school, that one day they will make her grin ear to ear as she cherishes those thoughts.
I pray for Mr. & Mrs. Griffis & the Williams family as they continue to grieve and heal.
I pray for you as you juggle your healing process along with 4 children whose healing processes look so different from each other.
You are an incredible woman and role model for so many. I'm sure at times you feel that cannot be, but trust me, it sure is. I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life" and today's chapter was "what makes God smile?" I instantly thought of you. How proud God must be of you as he watches you each day! You are such a testimony for His Kingdom and although some days there may be no way you can bear a smile, He is smiling down on you.
When in doubt, please know that you have countless people lifting all of you up. Each person that was in the sanctuary that day plus many many more sending a prayer up each day adds up to several people praying each minute of the day! You are saturated in prayer by your "family". Love you.
Katy B.

Rebecca said...

Dear Saundra...

Our prayers for you and your children will never stop. Every day I lift each of you up to the Giver of Life.

For the past several months I have been following the blog of Angie Smith (BRING THE RAIN - The Story of Audrey Caroline http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com). Angie is the wife of a well known musician and a wonderful, gifted writer. She is also the mother of two little girls and just found out she has another little baby on the way.

A couple of years ago Angie found out she was carrying a baby girl that was destined to live a very short life. Parts of her blog share her journey of grace and peace and how God sustained her and her family through great sorrow. She has also penned a book that will be out in May (you can pre-order it on her blog). Beth Moore has written the forward to it.

I can't even come close to understanding what you have experienced. I only know that God has promised He will be with you and that you will never, ever be alone.

In Grace~

Rebecca

Anonymous said...

I hope in time that the letters you receive from the recipients of John's wonderful donations of his organs will mean that a part of him still lives and because of his love for God, others may come to know Christ because of his gift. The extra day that they receive here on earth may mean eternity for each of them. If your husband was the man you believe he was, his generosity definitely epitomizes Christianity.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm so sorry that yesterday was painful for you. I think it's awesome that you and John chose to continue his life through the giving of his organs. I can see how that would be hard to receive a letter like that though and how difficult it must be to go through. I can't begin to know how that feels to you but God can and I can pray for His love and comfort for you during this time.

I'm still praying for you and the kids as well as John's extended family.

Love you!
Donetta

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
Don't forget that you have 4 children that came from John and you. As you watch them grow and mature, you'll be reminded of him daily. I pray God continues to bless you as you help at school, as you rear your children, and as you care about Jay, Marilyn, and Dawn, also. I"m sorry people say things that are hurtful, but I'm sure they don't mean it to be; sometimes we don't think what we're saying. May God help you have some happy times as you move on. Love to you. Madalyn

Anonymous said...

My prayers for you and your children will never stop. Every day I lift you up to God.
Someone wrote here that rest is so important for you and it is, things are easier to handle when our bodies are rested.
You are a special person to so many of the young people at school, I know my granddaugher loves you so much. Pat

Kristie said...

Saundra, as you know, I was without internet for most of last week and didn't get to check on your blog for many days. One of the first things I did when I got back online was go back and read all the journal entries you posted while I was away. And now, to be honest, I'm not sure what to say.

I've read about so many good, wonderful things .... a God who is sustaining you, the devotions which are helpful to you, Hannah's homecoming, Matthew's turning-around, Isaac's basketball game, friends who love you, co-workers who care about you, people helping with your house and car, extended family, and many, many friends who so clearly love you and want to support you ...... but to mention all those things, while you are clearly still hurting and struggling, seems Pollyanna-ish and insensitive of me.

I was thrilled when I heard John was an organ donor, to think of the lives he has blessed that way. I'm sorry the letter is painful to you .... I would hope eventually it would bring you comfort to know what a blessing his gift was to those families.

In the meantime, I wish I could think of something to say or write that would encourage you. Just know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers ....

Grace Smith said...

The only "words" I can think of that might have any meaning.... I still continue to pray and I care, even though nobody except God will ever know how "you" feel, how "you" grieve or what gives "you" comfort.

Maybe the words to this song be of help, someday, if not today...
==============================
"One Day at a time, sweet Jesus"
(Lyrics by Kris Kristofferson)

I'm only human, I'm just a woman

Lord, help me believe in what I could be and all that I am

Just show me the stairway that I have to climb.

Lord, for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time
-------------------------------
Chorus
One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you

Just give me the strength every day to do what I have to do

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine

Lord, help me today, show me the way, one day at a time
-------------------------------
Do you remember when you walked among men?

Well Jesus, you know if you're looking below, it's worse now than then

This pushin' and shovin' is crowding my mind

So Lord, I pray teach me to take one day at a time
-----------------
Chorus
One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you

Just give me the strength every day to do what I have to do

Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine

Lord, help me today, show me the way, one day at a time
----------------------
Refrain
Lord, help me today, (please) show me the way, one day at a time
=============================
(I'm posting this video to my blog if you would like to listen in the future)

God Bless,
Grace

JJ said...

Saundra,
I am sorry you hurt and that the pain is so sharp. Organ donation is a touchy subject for all parties involved. I think it is a paradox of understanding the gratitude for the lives John's organs provided as the recipients don't understand your despair in the sacrifice it took. Hopefully, at some point these letters will be a blessing. If you aren't ready for contact, that is okay to say as well. Change your mind if you need to do so. I am praying relief for your heart and mind. I pray comfort and peace over you. I pray for your children and all their needs. I hope you can find joy for the joyful things amid the pain.
JJ

Anonymous said...

You have been on my mind all week so I've been praying for you, specifically as you head back to work, and for each of the kids.

Mindy S

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
You have not lost my prayers, support, nor love. I know it's hard, but every day is another step toward healing. I meant what I said about you needing anything.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I have not had the opportunity to meet you, but I graduated between John and Dawn. Hearing the news of his accident brought me to this site so I would know how to adjust my daily prayers. I read to support your family and yet I find your words have blessed me in an unexpected way.

Reading your blog has helped me understand what my Mom dealt with 33 years ago. My father died suddenly just a few months after I graduated from high school. Mom found herself, like you, raising 4 children on her own. Our ages ranged from 4 to 18 and reading what you share about your children reminds me so much of how differently we all dealt with the loss of our Dad. I see a little of us in how each of your children are finding their own way. I also have realized I didn't know how hard it was on my Mom until I began following your blog.

Thanks for sharing your heart! I hope in writing to all of us that read your daily posts that you will continue to heal. Know you and the entire Griffis family will remain in my daily prayers. Christy

Anonymous said...

"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26