Jan 30, 2010

Well I woke up this morning with the biggest longing for John than I have in a long time. I just longed for him to be here. I walked out into the dark halls and living room and never felt so alone. I couldn't wait to get into God's word and see some of His promises. He was good to me.

In the book that Sallye gave me I want to share this;
Let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to me. Whenever your mind wanders, LASSO those thoughts and bring them into MY PRESENCE. In My radiant light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away. Judgmental thought are unmasked as you bask in my unconditional Love. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity of My Peace. I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me.

Worship me only. Whatever occupies your m9ind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to me.

When I journaled, before I read my bible and this book, I asked God to show me something. That he was here with me.

Well he did. My goal for today is to just take each thought (sad, discouraging, fear, doubts...etc) captive and put them in HIS PRESENCE! He told me I could do that.

We are to grow in Christ in every way....one way is faith and trust. It said that what goes on in my head is not visible to anyone else. But he reads my thoughts continually. I thought....you know...people around me probably think that I have all this faith, all this trust. I am not suppose to make you think or believe that. God knows. He is the ONE that I am to show that my faith and trust in Him is growing. He knows!

I still have a tear in my heart. But I believe He opened my eyes this morning to things I need to change and work on. I promised Him that today I was starting with FOCUSING on HIM. Taking my thoughts captive.

Jeff and Sallye were here most of the day working in my house. I would not be where I am if it weren't; for them. After being with us all day...Jeff took Isaac and Rachel sledding. I was so grateful! I told him...I am so glad he did it! They love to do that so much! John would do it with them all the time! If Jeff hadn't done it...no one else would have. They wouldn't get a bit of their daddy being here. Not being able to do the things with him they once did, I am sure brings much hurt as it does me. So, when the opportunity comes where they can experience a "daddy thing" I am sure it takes some of the hurt away.

Oh, if I could tell you all that Jeff and Sallye mean to me...but there are not words to describe or tell. But I would ask that when you see them....be sure to tell them thank you and how thankful you are that they have been my help in these days. That they truly are being family to me. Especially the kids. Express to them your gratefulness. They truly are being servants of Christ. When he TUGS at their hearts, he doesn't have to TUG hard....they are ready, willing, and they move. I am so thankful to Christ that he put them in my path.

Continue to pray for Matthew. I really do see a change in him. There is even a change in his countenance to me. Pray that as the Lord speaks to him he will be obedient and listen.

I pray for each of the other kids...Hannah, Isaac, and Rachel. Hannah, I pray that she will desire a relationship with Christ. They say that sometimes when people are grieving they put that grief into something else....work, shopping...etc... I believe Hannah has put her grief into her friends. She does not want to stay home. She wants to be with them. And even one day told me that when she is home she just thinks about daddy all the time. Pray that she will somehow work through this. I miss her being here. She has changed in all this. I can't explain it. But at home, here, she is not the Hannah she was. I guess none of us are the same are we?

Pray that Isaac would have an obedient heart. That he would listen to that voice of obedience. He just does not want to do what I ask. Which causes great strife between us. Pray that he would begin to desire a relationship with Christ...he is able!

Rachel. What a blessing. She is always happy. At first I didn't ask that God would work in her heart...then I remember all the stories where God speaks to the tender hearted. She is so tenderhearted. So, I am going to, and I ask that you, pray that God would begin to shape and mold her into what he plans for her to be. To glorify him. To mold her heart, soul and mind into what he can use to glorify him.

I also want to pray that we become family again. I feel like we all went our own way in the grieving process. I know that is fine. Normal. But I am ready for us to be a family again. I asked God to begin to bond us together. To help us see one another through God's eyes. And begin to bond and want to be with each other.

Pray that my focus stays on Him today.

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and comments. I look forward to each one...each one giving me a bit of hope and peace. To know that I am not going through this alone.

Love
Saundra