Saturday, January 23, 2010

Saturday, Jan 23 2010

Well, It is Saturday. As I have come to learn....and you have to I am sure. They are my worst days. Those were the days that John and I were glued together.........I miss him so much today. I have just decided that I will keep myself busy on these days. For instance today....I am going to paint Matthew's room. I hate to take advantage of Joe Cunningham. He is such a good man. I promised Matthew, Hannah and Rachel...not too long after the tragedy that I would paint their rooms. (Sallye and Jeff painted and decorated Isaac's) So today I am going to paint Matthew's. It is just two walls that he wants painted. His room is the smallest in the house, so I figure it wont' take but an hour.

Then I will start the girls. Their room is one of the larger rooms, so I know I won't get far....but they ask me pretty often when we can paint it. Funny how they won't be here to help! But it was WE that was going to paint it!!!:)

If you like to paint, I would take any help....just for the company if nothing else. I think Jeff and Sallye may help....but they have a new baby niece that I know and understand that they want to be with.

Wow, I have a ache that is huge in my chest. My prayer this morning is that God would replace it with a peace and joy.

I part of a book last night. It was about a pastor that lost his son. It is truth I know. But it made me realize what a journey I have before me. The special days are what haunt me the most...as they did this pastor and his wife.

I began to think.....of what I had before me....Valentines Day, March 10...would have been our 20th Anniversary, his birthday May 7, Fathers day, Mothers day (he always celebrated that big for me) Fall break (we went camping with the kids), and then it starts all over the day he passed, thanksgiving without him, Christmas without him......and it goes on and on.

I told my Marilyn when I look ahead I am not sure I can stand that much pain, that much hurt. That pastor said that every time he felt like he was getting on top of things then another reminder would hit.

He and his wife one night, pulled into the garage, sat in the car and she said, "All we have to do is close the garage door, open the windows and leave the car run." He thought for a minute and said, "Yes, but what would that do to (I can't remember his name but they had a younger son)?" I told Marilyn, that sometimes I feel that way. Just give up,....but no way. I have too much. So, I keep on. By God's grace and mercy I will keep on.

Well, I better get my day started. I have to run to Home Depot for the paint. Then I will get started. Remember....the more the merrier!!!!

Jenna, I love your posts! You are so cheerful! Thank you for reading and commenting!

Becky...it was nice meeting you. I look forward to seeing more of you. I do intend to join the group. But right now...every night I have games. But soon that will end and I will be able to join.

Tollya...thanks so much for finding that link!!!! I had told many about it, but didn't know where they could find that magazine! And thank you for what you are doing for Rach. She really does enjoy it. You all are a blessing to me and her!

My prayer

Matthew: He has been kind of down yesterday. Didn't want to talk much. And actually snapped at me a couple of times. It may be "his" time for right now. Just pray for him. He still hasn't taken the 11 page test and now we are thinking we read it wrong and he has some kind of project due. So please pray. There is a deadline.

Pray for Hannah. She has a game tonight. Wow, does she love to play. You know after John passed she actually considered quitting. That was something she and her daddy shared a love for. But she, with the help of her friends, came around and now she is having fun more. She does get discouraged at times...not getting to play like she would like. But then we remind her that at least she DOES get to play some. Pray for her safety and that she will have fun today.

Rachel is with a friend. She spent the night. That made my night hard. The last time she spent the night at a friends house, Isaac and she were both sleeping on the mattress with me. So when she was gone I had Isaac to sleep with. Well he is back in his own room now...and he had a friend over, so I was alone. I didn't sleep well at all. But I would not have stopped her for anything.

Pray for her protection. Her happiness. That she have a good time.

Pray that Isaac continue to have a good time with Brady. They are really two peas in a pod. They want to go golfing today. Would you pray that maybe Matthew would feel in his heart to take them? I will be painting...and I would stop if needed. But if he could just take a while to take them, how much easier that would be.

Pray that my children...each of them...in their own way begin a to have a desire to know and serve our risen Lord. That they would yearn to know Him. Especially the older ones that truly understand the meaning of serving God. I want so much for my kids to have a relationship with Christ.

Pray for me...that today would be a day of happiness and joy.......

Love,
Saundra

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saundra, just wanted to let you know I have NOT forgotten you. I'm dealing with some health and personal issues. I continue to read, but just haven't' been able to contribute.

Don't look ahead...God has promised only today. He'll take care of "the ahead". I know it must be hard for your mind not to wonder there, but just try and live for today. :)

Love you guys and I'm still praying for all.

Jadean Murray

Kristie said...

Saundra, I agree with Mrs. Murray (Sorry, I went to school with her daughters and so can't bring myself to call her by her first name, ha!!!) Don't plan ahead to things--events--holidays you assume will be difficult. Not that they won't be, but instead, give yourself credit for how far you have come, for each day that you get up and are strong for your children, and for knowing you've made it through another day. And if you have a day that is hard, well, thankfully, they only last 24 hours. Then you have the chance to start over, with better results. I know you can do it!! :)

Jenna said...

i hope you enjoyed painting today! sometimes doing projects like that can be so nice to have [even if we don't always want to get around to doing them] because they give a us a sense of accomplishment when they're done. i'm a painting wizard! haha okay i'm not very good, but i try really hard & am always willing to lend a hand. let me know if you ever want help.. for real! :] oh & it makes me so happy to hear that rachel spent the night with a friend.. sleepovers are the best! keeping you always in my mind!

Anonymous said...

I read every post and am still praying for you and your precious children. Hold onto the fact that Jesus loves you, even if you sometimes don't feel Him.
Denise

Marydon Ford said...

G'eve Saundra ~

Live for each second, they are all we are promised to us ... that moment. God will give you all the strength you need as you walk forward.

Everything will soften in time. Each day is a stepping stone. Stay busy, treasure every moment, wrap yourself in the love that surrounds you.

Painting is a great diversion ... it is one of my greatest outlets when things bother me.

God speed, prayers continue, you are thought of often. Write me any time you wish. Email on your Jan. 18th write.

Hugs of love, Marydon

missd said...

I hope you had a good and productive day of painting. I love to paint. Let me know if you want an extra hand next weekend. Well, that card we sent you guys came back undeliverable. I know you didn't move. Hmm...

I'll pray for your peace, less pain, some joy and for the kids. It is soo hard to let mine go over night, especially that first year.

Take care and eat some fruit and veggies if you don't cook;) dawna

Anonymous said...

Saundra:

I am praying right now that you will sleep peacefully.

I continue to pray for Matthew.

Becky

Grace Smith said...

Praying that God will give you what you need, as you need it and that you will feel the freedom to "Let go, and let God."

Anonymous said...

Saunie -

Scripture tells us that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. Renewal can happen in so many ways...reading scripture, talking to a friends and yes, painting! So many times in my own life I have had to force myself to do something else to keep my mind from dwelling on the events of my life that can defeat and destroy. I am so proud of you! Keep pressing on. Hold to your faith. Know that God is with you. Know that all of us are praying. Debbie