Thurs Jan 6...to be honest I don't know...maybe 7

I first want to take time to thank each and every one of you who take time to sit and read my blog, when I know there are so many other things that call your name. Yet you take time. Thank you so much.

I was overwhelmed today when i opened the page and saw I had 13 comments. How blessed I am that God has called you to help carry me through prayer and encouraging words. Thank you so much.

I met with a friend yesterday morning. It was good. She has carried me through many times when I didn't think I would make it. She just listened ....a lot. I found myself talking ....alot. It was good to share things about John (I hadn't seen her for at least 5 years). Course, the tidal wave still pushed its way through, but she listened. I had a great time.

Most of you have probably realized by now that I am not returning to school until Monday now. Would you just pray that God would begin to strengthen and prepare me for that?

I took Isaac and Rach to lunch yesterday. We came to the house. They ate and watched t.v. I hate that I can't bring myself to sit at "our" table yet. But I know...it is one step at a time. They love coming home for lunch. I love being with them.

I was kind of worried about the afternoon. Pray for Jay. He is having trouble getting his blood pressure meds controlled as well as his diabetes under control. So Marilyn is under a lot of pressure. She and I share a lot, and we talked one time....when our little white truck broke down...and I was beside myself. And I said, "You know...normally these would be little things...but piled on top of everything else and all the grief and hurt....it makes it more than you think you can bear". That was where Marilyn was yesterday.

So,between me having a tidal wave, and her dealing with that issue, I knew it wasn't a good idea for us to be together. I knew she needed some rest. So, I would be here alone. Well, not alone...Matthew would be here...but in his room.

But, God heard your prayers, God heard our prayers....when I brought Isaac home for lunch, Matthew came and unlocked the door for us and the first thing he did was hug me! HE HUGGED ME!!!!! That was literally the first hug he has given me since the service.! And it was a big one!!!! A tight one. Then he ate out here with Isaac, and then....for the rest of the afternoon sat in the recliner and talked little things with me....just little, small talk. But he talked to me! We played with the dogs.....I felt like I had a son again.

That my friends.....was/is an answer to prayers. Now, I know this may not happen for a while again....but I believe in my heart that God is changing Matthew....little by little. Please don't stop praying for him. God is listening.

We ate dinner at Marilyns while Hannah went to look AT dresses. She brought pictures back and we enjoyed looking at them. I just hope that she and I can come together on one. I am worried about that.

Then we came home. The tear in my chest was big, but I was holding it in. Rach had homework...math..which I am terrible at. That was of course she and Johns thing. So Matthew...who takes after his dad in math...helped her. Isaac had a History quiz to study for. We studied for 15 minutes then had a blow up. I just don't know why we can't study together. So, he got his anger out, I , mine. And we began again. I was really trying hard. At one point I wasn't understanding what he was asking, he wasn't understanding that I wasn't understanding him and he said some hurtful things. I was quiet. Trying to decide what to do. I couldn't let him talk to me the way he was talking to me.....yet I wanted to help him study. I finally got up, took his paper to him and said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you talk to me like that". And turned around and walked away.

He went to the kitchen and kept saying hateful things. I told him I was done with him for the night, that he needed to go to bed, and he could not play any of his ps3. He said a few more things and left.

I was sick to my stomach. I hate conflict. I hate it. Later, beds made on the floor, in our jammies, I went into his room and he was just lying there...I said, "Isaac, mommy is sorry. We HAVE to come to a way where we can study together. We can't do it this way." I don't know what the answer is.

As I lay my head down...I just thought...I can't do this without John. I can't. I wasn't made to be alone...to be without him. That was my last thought as my medicine put me into a sound sleep. But it was my first thought this morning.

I told him this morning that I was sorry again. I asked if he wanted to try to study before he left...and we were going to...but he ran out of time. I hope he does well or I will feel so horrible.

Devotions actually lifted my spirits this morning. God encouraged me....In Psalm 19...
words that spoke to me were...(first I need to tell you that when I read from His word I then write it in my journal as if He is speaking directly to me...or I to Him) this morning....
The Lord will answer me when I am in distress, he will protect me. He sends help from His sanctuary and grants me support from Zion.

He will give me the desire of my heart and make all my plans succeed. I will shout for joy when I am victorious and I will lift up banners....shouts of joy in the name of my God. God will grant all my requests.

The Lords saves me...he answers me from this holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. (These words I changed, because I felt them so true)

Some trust in money, objects, people, things...but I trust in the name of the Lord my God. He will raise me up and I will stand firm. He will answer me when I call.

Some of you I am sure are reading that...then reading His word and not getting the same interpretation...but these are God's words to me. This is what I needed to hear from Him today. He may speak to you in a different way to meet you at your need. But He helped me today.

The Paint Man....Joe Cuningham came by yesterday...he is going to paint pretty much every room in my house. I shared with him that in a way....John gave his life for that. He had wanted to roof the house himself to save money so that he could improve the inside....and pay off some bills. Though John can't see it.....it is getting done...what he wanted. Pray that God Bless Joe and his family.

Jadean, thank you for reminding me that John would want me to make this the most exciting and fun thing for Hannah. I am going to try. As hard as it is.....I want her to feel very special at this time. And enjoy this time.

JP...I don't need to know you. I do need to know that you are praying for us. That is all I need. Thank you for praying for us....for being faithful.

Janna....It was good to see you on here. You have been such a sweet person through all of this. God has certainly used you in ways I would never had imagined. Keep praying. And thanks for sharing.

Brad....I don't remember Megan. I'm sorry. Only until this year...working at the school, did I begin to know the Middle School kids. But I wanted to thank you for the comment....for the prayers, and even for the thoughts...I believe thoughts turn into prayers. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Becky, my heart was really touched and moved when you said that your mission was still Matthew. That meant so much to me. To know that you have taken him on specifically. Oh, I know you care for the others...I know that. But to know that you have made him a very special person in your life touched my heart. Thank you for praying for him. You read already...God is listening...the thing is...he isn't finished....so please...don't' stop.

SB....I don't need to know you. I was curious. All I ask is for prayer....and you said you are doing that. That's all I want. Thank you.

For my prayer warriors....
Pray for Matthew...He meets with his SNU advisor today. Pray that all goes well.

We still need a little money for his tuition. Pray that those involved (scholarships, grants, etc) will find the money to help him.

Pray that God will continue to call Matthew to Him. That Matthew will begin to have a desire for Christ in his life. That he will see the need for that personal relationship. That he will want to spend time with us...with Isaac....especially. Isaac longs for that. He keeps asking him to play basketball with him, or go to the gym, golf course etc...and Matthew just wont. He doesn't understand. Please pray that this bond begin to mold together.

Pray for Hannah to have a good time with this whole Homecoming court thing. Help things to fall together easily for her. That I have patience and understanding. That I do all I canto help her enjoy it.

Pray for Rach. I dear family, whose daddy takes his sweet 6th grader to breakfast every Friday a.m. has asked Rachel to join them. Rachel agreed, but was unsure at the same time. I know that this man cannot take the place of John, he knows it also. But it gives Rach that person, that time, that maybe she can share things that she may not share with anyone else. Pray that this daddy...of all girls....will know, recognize, and see Rachel's needs and be there for her as much as possible for him. Pray that God be in that whole situation.

Pray for Isaac. and me. Help me to know what I can do to make studying a better and easier time for us. We had been getting along so well with each other....and I feel like this just set us back so much. Pray that God will give me an answer to how I can make studying with him a more enjoyable time...a more productive time.

Pray for the people working on our white truck. It is the transmission. They are looking at quotes, trying to do the best they can for us. God has a way and an answer.

Then, last night, on the way home from he mall, Hannah said that the windshield wiper literally flew off the saturn. She drove home the rest of the way very slowly she said. We laughed about it at first. But now...it needs to be fixed. I don't know what exactly happened to it. But we need windshield wipers on it obviously. If someone could let me know who could work on that for me I would appreciate it.

Me....just pray that the tidal wave will stay out in the ocean today. I don't mind the waves....but I am weary.

Thanks to all of you for all you do for me in your comments and prayers. Don't give up. God has a lot of work to do....I have a long time before I am out of this wilderness.

PS. Jadean...you mentioned printing all these blogs and comments...I never thought of that. They would be helpful to many, to me, to my kids. Does anyone know how I can print these without having to do them one at a time?