Jan 10, 2010

Well, this morning seems okay. Yesterday was okay. We tried many dresses on through many friends offering of their daughters. But just couldn't get that ONE out of her mind. I am still praying that she will be shown one or see one that will make her look more becoming. Things can still change!

Well, I thought I was stronger....I guess not. I went to Crest by myself. I just didn't want to bother anyone...I really thought I could do it. But I was wrong.

He was the cereal guy. Some of you know that he could eat cereal morning, noon, and night. And my kids took after him. So, he knew what was in the cabinet, and in our bedroom stacked up because it was "such a good deal".

Just walking in alone was hard. Then I got to the cereal isle. And I just stood there. I didn't know what kind to buy. What did he buy for the kids? What did they like best? What did we have at home already?

Then, my mind went first. I couldn't focus. Luckily I didn't have much on my list, but I had to make several trips through the store forgetting this or that on my list. I think also that I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I was falling apart fast.

I got through the check out. Stupid me....mindless me...I gave the guy $50 for $70 dollars worth of groceries and started to walk away. He called me back and told me that I still owe him. Do you think I could figure it out? No. I just wanted out of OUR store. The guy helped. I know he thought, and the lady behind me , that I was crazy.

Then as I pushed the cart out, I told John how much I missed him. That he was suppose to push the cart, that I was suppose to hand him the bags so he could put them in the car "just right". That I was to push the cart to the cart corral, and he would come and pick me up. BUT HE WASN'T THERE TO DO IT!

I started crying, tried Marilyn, I just needed to pour my heart out. So, I got hold of Sallye and she talked to me as I drove home. She got me calmed down and to stop crying and laughing. Isn't she great?????

I've decided no to shop Crest again. We started going there because it saved us around $25-$50 dollars a week depending on the groceries. But, I know we are suppose to be good stewards of our money....but I think God would understand this. I can't go there again.

That kind of did me in for the evening. It just makes me so weary when I go through those times. We went and ate pizza at Jay and Marilyn's. Then came home, I did a few loads of laundry and then made my "mattress" and went to bed.

Today, is a new day. In my devotions it talked about longing for the great pearl. That pearl being eternal life from our Lord. That when we receive that pearl, it will change our whole being, It will alter our personality, our language ...everything. I am begging for that pearl. I want to be changed from the inside out. It was a good devotion.

I decided yesterday that we were going to sit in our usual spot today in church. Yea, Im scared. But everyone keeps saying there's a first for everything. I didn't know if Hannah would go...she goes to second service, I didn't know if Matthew would even go. But I knew I had my babies.

Sallye called, and by God's still small voice, that she has a direct line to, she asked me if I would want She and Jeff to sit with us!!!!! Then to go to S.S. with us! YES!!!! God does answer prayer. I never thought to ask anyone. But God knew how I hold Sallye and Jeff, dear as family. She would understand my fear, my tears....and she would be there no matter what. So, we will see how today goes! I will let you know!

Today, Marsha Adams and Sallye are coming over to pick paint out for all the rooms. That excites me. That is why John was roofing....he wanted to paint the inside of the house, so roofing himself would save money. I really never thought it would get done. It made his death seem even worse to me.

So, I am excited about that. I am still working up to going to small group. We were always regulars. Since our group lived mainly in our neighborhood...we would walk hand in hand to the group. Always sitting next to each other.......I just have a hard time with it. And to be honest...I feel guilt leaving my kids to have a nice relaxing time.

Debbie, once again, your prayer.....I can't say enough. You talk to God in a way I wish I could. Thank you for the prayer.

Jadean. Thank you for your faithfulness to the blog. And for the beautiful poem. And you asked who set up the blog for me...it was John Whittaker and Ricky Lance. I belive Ricky's number is on the blog page somewhere.

Anonymous...If you feel so led....I want to surround my home with God..with Godly things....especially with things that I knew was John. I actually can hear him singing Amazing Grace now. Some people didn't know he could sing so beautifully. But oh, how he could sing. So, I would be blessed and pleased to have it.

Prayer request;
Church this morning, S.S. this morning

To work in eeach of the kids life to have a desire to have a personal relationship with Him.

Matthew, has NSI to day at SNU..and he is dreading it. Hedoesn't like the organzied games thing. Pray that he just accept it.

Our little whiite truck. We really need it.

Jay and Marilyn. They have been so faithful to me. Helping me...even though they grieve their son. She knows I can't cook yet, or even eat at our table. She has pretty much fed us everymeal. Bless them Lord.

That Matthew would continue to let God melt and mold his heart into his image.

Also, this sounds silly, but I need help around the house. Laundry, dishes, floor. garbage. I am not sure how to approach the kids with this. John and I just did it. But, I cant on my own. Ideas., prayers...I;ll take waht aI can. I am afraid to ask because I don'twant any turmoil, or any fighting.

Not, exactly a prayer request...but I would still like to print this all out....blog and comments. Someone said something about PDF. Do you know who you are talking to? I don't even know what that it? Seriously, though....I would like to do it if someone can help me.

Have a good Sunday...I pray you bring something home from church that will alter the way you live this week.

Love,
Saundra