Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tues, Jan 25,2010

First, I have to tell you that I appreciate everyone of you comments. I look forward to them. When I can't get on here for a few days I begin to really miss you all. So thank you again for reading and commenting.

Sunday, again was hard. It's just so hard to not have him next to me. Thankfully, Jeff and Sallye are filling in as much as they possibly can. I miss hearing him sing next to me. I miss his hand reaching over and holding mine as we pray. I miss him holding onto the kids as he hugged on them standing there. I miss him.

Sunday school is always hard. There were little things that we did for each other....that no one could or would see...but things that I miss.

Then when I went to Jay and Marilyns for lunch I took the VYPE magazine for them to see. I feel they would want to see it also. When I opened for them the first pic I saw was of him crossing the finish line in the mock race they had in Rachel's class. His hands up and his face laughing. All I could think was that had to be the way it was when he "crossed that line from this earth to Heaven". But then I began to miss him so much my heart hurt. I began to cry and went into the other room. It wasn't long until Dawn came in and we just held each other and cried together. Sometimes that is all we need....to cry and hold each other.

Hannah worked that day. At around 4:00 I got a call from her boss. She said Hannah just began to cry. So she took her back and talked with her and Hannah had looked at the VYPE article. It was her time. Her time for the big wave, the tidal wave. Her boss, Dawn, talked with her for 2 hours and then told her to come home.

When she got here, I told her that those times would come. Then we talked about how that is the time that we need to have Scripture memorized so we can quote them. But we held each other for a while and talked through it. I knew her time would come. She is doing fine now.

Yesterday was okay. Isaac had a game in Marlow last night. Great game and Isaac played great. They did lose, which was discouraging to him. But he played well.

Then when we got home I let him take his shower then asked him to get his homework out. It was awful from that point on. He didn't want to do anything that I asked him to do. I never raised my voice. Tried and tried. But he didn't want to do it. Then he said I was an idiot and he didn't even care if he called me that. I teared up and went to Matthew. Hoping that he could help me. He was so gentle and sweet as he talked with him. But it did no good.

I called Jay and we finally came to the conclusion that nothing was going to change. It was late...just put it away and we would deal with it. He said that on the way home he noticed that Isaac was staring at the pic of John on his phone. So, he could be feeling loss, pain and hurt. Along with losing the game.....so that is what we did. We just put everything away.

I had my devotions...last night and this morning. I prayed. I prayed that God be Isaac's Father right now.....that he would guide him as John would. That God would help me to be the mother. Right now I can't be both. So I prayed that Isaac would have the heart to listen to his Father, and that I, as his mother, would have wisdom to do what God would have me to do.

So, I have a BIG tear in my heart this morning. I feel so badly that there is a wall between he and I now. He is still angry this morning. And I feeel so hopeless in this matter. I try to give where I can when it comes to homework....but it just doesn't seem to help.

Madilyn, I want to thank you for the stamps. You don't know how I was so grateful to receive them. You are so sweet to think of such a simple gesture that is such a big help. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts for all of us.

James, thank you for reading my blog and keeping up with us. I appreciate it. I remember your girls having John in class. I hope they came away with just what he wanted....different in a christlike way.

Anonymous...thank you for you scripture and words. They are such a help when I am feeling like this.

Jeff...again...thanks for thinking of us.

To all of you...
Pray for Isaac. I told the Lord this morning that I didn't even know what or how to pray for him. I don't know what he needs. I don't know what to do. Just pray that God direct me...and him.

Continue to be with Matthew. I see such a change in him. Yea, there are still things and times when I am disappointed about something that is said or done....but he has come such a long way. Praise God!!!! Pray that God would continue to work in his heart, mind and soul. Also, this seems so trivial to what we face every day...but he needs help with his golf game. He is kind of struggling. John would always be there to give him advice. Please pray that His Father in Heaven will just be his hands, his arms, his mind and his eyes as he plays. Also, we still haven't got Matthew's Sociology test and paper figured out for OWU. Please pray that it will somehow work out so he can finish it.

Be with Hannah. Her heart is now raw. I pray that God use this time to draw him to her. That she would have the desire to search for him. She is struggling in History class also. She is going to talk to the teacher today. Pray that she gain knowledge in that class.

Be with Rach. She is so tenderhearted. I pray that God use her tender heart for his glory. That she would begin to grow in spirit and wisdom according to his word.

Pray for his hedge of angels around us.



Anonymous said...

Saundra, you don't know me. I was in school when Jay was principal. I read, cry, and lift your family up daily in prayer. I love seeing God at work. Prayer is powerful stuff and I promise to continue to lift you guys up. My heart has been heavy for Isaac and I will be praying for him, for God to soften his heart, and feel God's presence. Know that God IS at work, even when we don't see it. Love you all, D

Sister Chris said...

Saunie, sometimes we have to let our children learn natural consequences. Perhaps this is that time with Isaac. Leave him to God. Yes, it is part of his grieving, but you can still love, pray, and be available for him. What you can't do is "make" him do it. We always want and strive for the best for our children. We know that homework needs to be done, but when it causes this much strife, take your hands off. Trust Isaac to the Lord, let Isaac work through this with sideline support and love.

You know I speak from experience. but my relationship with J is so much better than when I tried to "help". And he is getting A's this semester!! First time ever!! I am a slow learner.

You know Isaac knows homework is important, but right now it is one way he can let the anger out. It is not really directed at you, you are just handy and "safe" for him to express it. He is angry that Dad is not there to help him.

So, love him, encourage him, hug him, support him, but don't help him with his homework. Build your relationship with him, nurture him, he will come through this in his time. It will be alright.

His life seems out of control, he is trying to find some area he can control. Yes, it may mean a lower grade. Be prepared. Perhaps one of his friends can come over and they can do homework together. Drop them off at McDonald's and let them do it there. A change of scenery might help.

You will have to plan some discipline for not getting work done. I have some suggestions, if you want to talk with me. Remember, you are a good parent, you want the best for your children, you are not harming Isaac in any way. Ultimately it is his spriritual life that will matter in the end.

Hope this is helpful. Take from it what you can. You know I have been "there" for years, and we are doing ok. And we have been through some very dark waters ourselves.

Tollya said...


Bethany told me you and Rachel came to Science class together yesterday. I'm so proud of both of you! What a victory!

Still praying for all of you!


Kristie said...

Saundra, I was going to suggest the same thing about Isaac and his homework. Clearly this isn't helping your relationship, so why not let it go? Have him attend either the morning or afternoon homework/tutoring sessions at the school, or find an older student who might be willing to tutor him. I can understand that if homework is something he used to do with John, that he might feel angry and sad and defensive while doing it with you, but it doesn't sound like the situation is doing either of you much good. I hope you can find a workable solution that allows you to not stress so much with one another.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could help you! I pray, but sometimes (most times) it doesn't seem like enough. All I can say is that you are all hurting, and when someone is hurt, they defend themselves the only way they really know how; fighting back. I don't think Isaac really knows how much he is hurting you, only that he is in so much pain. I will continue praying for you of course.
Love and Prayers.

Anonymous said...


I will be praying specifically for your children this week that God's hand will be upon them and that they will feel his presence in their lives.


Jenna said...

you have A LOT A LOT of amazing people giving you greeeeaat advice! one should be so lucky! just keep pushing.. you've shown you're a strong woman! keep showing that off!!

Anonymous said...


I haven't ever left a comment but I read everyday and have been praying for all of you daily. I want you to know that I admire you just for getting up and going everyday. I can't imagine how hard it is. You are a strong woman even on days when you don't feel strong and God is going to get you through.

I just wanted you to know that my daughter, Kelsi Bussert, told me today how sweet you were to her and how you told her how much you loved her in 3rd grade and how you and John both loved her. That meant SO much to her and I wanted to tell you, Thank you. In all of your pain you still took the time to be kind and that takes someone really special!

Keep on keeping on...I know with His hand holding you up you can do it.

Love you,
Kori Bussert

Anonymous said...

Wow, you are walking the right path, you may not see it right now but we do. Asking for God to be thier father is an awesome statement!!! Stay strong, and be faithful in all things, as you have been! Jeff

Anonymous said...

I continue to check in on you and pray for you all! May you feel God's hug this week. :)

Also, I love seeing Hannah play basketball! She plays with such passion, speed and enthusiam! It was awesome to see her lay down a 3 the first shot she took!

Have a great Wednesday!!


Anonymous said...


I just got through "catching up " with you through about the past week. I am so proud of you. I especially lovd the part where you talk about John cheering you on as you biked home. He will be doing that the rest of your life...cheering you and your kids on- letting you know that you can make it! He's already Home and He knows the journey can be hard, but he also knows you can make it. He will forever be your coach!

I also know you can make it. I see that you are doing it. I also love that you have your own support group on this blog. God bless you and hold you in His tender care.


Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray for you all every day as I run by your house in the mornings.

Mindy S

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I read this today and thought of you.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13

Tammy Williams said...

I always feel like I never have the right words to post on your blog, but I had to share something with you. Today, when you were at lunch with Karen in the workroom, I heard you laugh. It was a good laugh. Karen makes me laugh all the time, that is why I love her so. Anyway... I noticed it immediately. It was such a blessing to hear laughter from you. I didn't want to bring it to your attention then, because I knew it would make us both cry (ha). But it felt good to hear you laugh. I know you probably thought that wouldn't happen for you again, but it has. You are sooooo strong. Stronger than I could ever hope to be. Your gentleness with Ali through the day amazes me. You are my hero, and my prayer for you is a lot of laughter in your days ahead.
I love you Saundra.