Wed Jan 6

Well, its happened. Just like many of you predicted yesterday...I knew would happen.....I'm flooding in my own tears again.

Oh, I know God is sustaining me. He promised me that. I even read it in Psalm 18 again this morning..."He sustains me!" But, I am sad today.

I received some bittersweet news yesterday. Hannah has been nominated for Homecoming Court. It was so hard to be happy. Knowing, as she did also, that her daddy wouldn't be here to see her. This is such a special time for her....and he isn't here. I just can't get past that sadness in my heart for her.

And I know....I know...he would have been on the band wagon on picking out a dress for her. I know it. They were that close. She would wanted him there. They would have laughed and teased each other to no end. He would have made it a time and memory that she would never forget. She is going with her girlfriends tonight to LOOK at them, then she and I (and maybe grams) will go later to buy. She needs two dresses...one for Court and one for the winter thingy that they have. Bless her heart she said she would pay for one by herself. How precious she is.

I am so thrilled for her. At least I am trying to be. I would never let her know that my heart is breaking. We go on...as if nothing is wrong. If I could only do that. If I could only be what John was to her.

Then this morning, I finally finished Isaac's PDA for his yearbook. That has been so hard. I didn't know what to write to/for him. John wrote Matthew's, he wrote Hannah's....you know he was always so good with words. I wanted to write something uplifting for Isaac, something encouraging. I hope that what I ended up with will do that.

All this was just too much for me I guess. Too much hurt. Too much pain. In my quiet time, in my prayer time, I asked God to take this pain away. I asked him to sustain me...I know he will....but it is one of those days....tidal wave day.

In reading your comments....and I love them....I am wondering who you are that keeps starting your comment Saun (SB). Can you tell me?

Also, Jadean, I had to kind of smile when I read your comment. That there would be slips backward. Right when I was in the middle of one. Girl, you call it like it is. Thanks for being faithful in your reading and commenting. Thank you for being honest. And more than anything thank you for your prayers....especially for Matthew.

Rebecca, as I read your comment, I was reminded of some scripture I read in Proverbs yesterday that talked about the young man. And my thoughts did go to Matthew as I thought....someday...maybe God has a special plan for him and he is preparing him. In my devotions this morning it said that He has to sharpen his tools before he can use them. Maybe He is in the middle of sharpening Matthew for His great use. Please continue to pray.

Debbie, again...your prayer....how I love your honesty to God. Through your grief, your troubles, I see that you have truly learned to pray. Thanks for a lovely prayer for Matthew.

I lay Matthew at God's feet. I really have. I do worry about him...he's my son, I'm his mom...that's my job. But it isn't as heavy on me as it used to be. God is in control. God is changing him....I just haven't seen the outward work yet!!!

Isaac is changing! He is easier to get along with. He is sweeter. He hugs me all the time. No yelling, no fighting. Mrs. Benda has helped tremendously with him. God has answered prayer with Isaac. I hope you get a chance to see him. I even believe there is a change in his demeanor and his face.

I got a text from my dear angels last night. Someone has donated the time and paint to repaint my house. That was one reason John was doing the roof himself. To save money so we could do some work on the inside of the house. It has been 12 years since it has been painted inside. Plus we have had some water damage and mold damage. And as you all probably know...I can't sleep in the room that reminds me of (US). Not with some kind of change.

God bless those that hear HIS call. I hope God Blesses you beyond measure.

My prayer request:
Our little white truck is still out of commission. Pray that it can be fixed. We are already having car conflicts.
Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel, that they will all begin to feel God working in their hearts and desire a personal walk with God.

Matthew...that his heart will soften, that he will want to spend time with the family. That he won't be so angry.

Hannah, that she have fun during this very important time for her. That she can get past the loss of daddy not being there. That I can be what she needs for this time.

Joy, peace, and happiness for me today

Jay and Marilyn, that God will touch their lives. That they will feel HIS great peace and hope.

Dawn, that she too, will find the hope that God is faithful to give.

I love you all.
Saundra

Pray hard for me today....It is tidal wave day....and I am losing it.