Jan 11, 2010

Yesterday went good. It was really hard walking that long way down the isle to my seat.....without John. He was always the last one.....I saved a seat, the kids saved a seat, because they knew that we always sat next to each other. I missed him sitting beside me. But, when we prayed, Sallye reached over and took my hand.....just as John would always do. It gave me someone to hold onto. I missed that in church...holding hands with someone during prayer.

But, it was good....being in OUR place. It felt good. I was home. I think the kids felt it too.

Marsha, Sallye and Teresa came over and helped me...well let me rephrase that....they would pick then I would say yes or no. They were such a help to me. I could not have done it on my own.

Joe comes today to begin working on the cracks, water damage places, etc....so the work begins. I have mixed feelings. I am leaving my old life and beginning a new one. Literally. But, I have to start fresh. It's sobering to me that what is happening now....the painting...that tree...literally everything that is being done.....was things that John and I were planning to do when he finished the roof.

In fact, Marsha mentioned a back splash in the kitchen. I smiled, and cried as I said, "Just the night before he fell, we went on a date and went to Borders (our favorite hang out) and because I knew we were going to redo the house I was looking at remodeling, painting...home magazines. And I looked at some back splashes and showed them to him and asked, "Do you think we could do something like this?" And he looked at it and said, "Sure, if that's what you like." I never thought it wouldn't be him doing it. I never thought it would happen when he passed. But, God has different plans for me and my house. It seems a surprise everyday...and usually something he and I had wanted to do. I just wish he could see....our dream is coming true.

Well, I am going to try to go to school. I get sick, throw up (tmi) when I think of it. People just don't understand the closeness we had. A look across the commons, a smile from across the room, an email that said, "I love you and thinking of you". Or meeting in the teachers workroom by accident....an added bonus. Where we might sneak a hug....or sweet look. Or just stand for a minute and chat.

Or when my sweet sweet Ali, hand to go to Mr Griffis' window, room, to say hi, or a quick wave....and I would get mine in there too. People don't understand....there is a big hole at BMS for me. Oh, how I loved those looks, smiles, hellos...etc emails, or we both discussed how we loved the surprise encounters...gave us a little boost to finish the day. Its all gone. Part of me....my other half of me...won't be there. It is so hard.

But, I am going to try today. Try. That is all God asks of me.

SB...I hesitate to put my email address on here. I want to print this out...but I worry about that. I am sorry. Maybe we can work it some other way.

Grace....your stories made me smile. John loved your family. In fact, the Griffis's loved the Smiths. I don't think that ever ended. I love to hear your stories.

Eva, I do feel like I am making some progress. Yes, some days I take two steps back for the one I took forward yesterday. But, I have still gained one. God has been real to my. He speaks to me every morning and every evening through my devotions. During the day it through the people around me. And my Sunday School teacher is being used by God fulfill a long past change in my life. I know there will be bad days for a long time to come. But, I know that when they come I have God, and my support system all around me.

Planet Pink. I dearly wish I could remember you. You said such sweet things about John. I appreciate you giving him so much praise. He deserved it. He was a wonder daddy and husband. Always putting us first. Thanks for your comments.

Debbie, I have been thinking all weekend. I will put this into action and we will see what happens.

My prayer requests:
Me...as I go to school today. Strength, peace, be my help. Help the memories to be easy to handle.

Matthew, he starts NSI today. He really hates these things. So give him patience. And help him to gain knowledge of the school....things he doesn't know.

Rach, Hannah, Isaac as they go to school. Give them wisdom for the work, tests they have to do. Be with them. God, let them feel your peace and presence in their life.

Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel...that they will begin to have a deep, deep desire to have a relationship with you. Give them a craving as you would for their favorite food. Give them that longing.

Our little white truck. That the ones working on it with have the knowledge they need to fix it.

Our home...that it will be a place of peace and rest for the kids.

Peace. I want peace today.

Jay and Marilyn. As they grieve. As Jay tries to stabilize his meds. Just wrap your arms around them. And I still feel terrible that she is feeding us because I can't fix, or sit at our table. Give her the strenght. That's where John got it. Others were always first to him....no matter what he was feeling or going through.

FAITH..to believe.....I will make it....my kids will make it.....and we will all be alright.