Monday, January 11, 2010

Jan 11, 2010

Yesterday went good. It was really hard walking that long way down the isle to my seat.....without John. He was always the last one.....I saved a seat, the kids saved a seat, because they knew that we always sat next to each other. I missed him sitting beside me. But, when we prayed, Sallye reached over and took my hand.....just as John would always do. It gave me someone to hold onto. I missed that in church...holding hands with someone during prayer.

But, it was good....being in OUR place. It felt good. I was home. I think the kids felt it too.

Marsha, Sallye and Teresa came over and helped me...well let me rephrase that....they would pick then I would say yes or no. They were such a help to me. I could not have done it on my own.

Joe comes today to begin working on the cracks, water damage places, the work begins. I have mixed feelings. I am leaving my old life and beginning a new one. Literally. But, I have to start fresh. It's sobering to me that what is happening now....the painting...that tree...literally everything that is being done.....was things that John and I were planning to do when he finished the roof.

In fact, Marsha mentioned a back splash in the kitchen. I smiled, and cried as I said, "Just the night before he fell, we went on a date and went to Borders (our favorite hang out) and because I knew we were going to redo the house I was looking at remodeling, painting...home magazines. And I looked at some back splashes and showed them to him and asked, "Do you think we could do something like this?" And he looked at it and said, "Sure, if that's what you like." I never thought it wouldn't be him doing it. I never thought it would happen when he passed. But, God has different plans for me and my house. It seems a surprise everyday...and usually something he and I had wanted to do. I just wish he could see....our dream is coming true.

Well, I am going to try to go to school. I get sick, throw up (tmi) when I think of it. People just don't understand the closeness we had. A look across the commons, a smile from across the room, an email that said, "I love you and thinking of you". Or meeting in the teachers workroom by added bonus. Where we might sneak a hug....or sweet look. Or just stand for a minute and chat.

Or when my sweet sweet Ali, hand to go to Mr Griffis' window, room, to say hi, or a quick wave....and I would get mine in there too. People don't understand....there is a big hole at BMS for me. Oh, how I loved those looks, smiles, hellos...etc emails, or we both discussed how we loved the surprise encounters...gave us a little boost to finish the day. Its all gone. Part of other half of me...won't be there. It is so hard.

But, I am going to try today. Try. That is all God asks of me.

SB...I hesitate to put my email address on here. I want to print this out...but I worry about that. I am sorry. Maybe we can work it some other way.

Grace....your stories made me smile. John loved your family. In fact, the Griffis's loved the Smiths. I don't think that ever ended. I love to hear your stories.

Eva, I do feel like I am making some progress. Yes, some days I take two steps back for the one I took forward yesterday. But, I have still gained one. God has been real to my. He speaks to me every morning and every evening through my devotions. During the day it through the people around me. And my Sunday School teacher is being used by God fulfill a long past change in my life. I know there will be bad days for a long time to come. But, I know that when they come I have God, and my support system all around me.

Planet Pink. I dearly wish I could remember you. You said such sweet things about John. I appreciate you giving him so much praise. He deserved it. He was a wonder daddy and husband. Always putting us first. Thanks for your comments.

Debbie, I have been thinking all weekend. I will put this into action and we will see what happens.

My prayer requests: I go to school today. Strength, peace, be my help. Help the memories to be easy to handle.

Matthew, he starts NSI today. He really hates these things. So give him patience. And help him to gain knowledge of the school....things he doesn't know.

Rach, Hannah, Isaac as they go to school. Give them wisdom for the work, tests they have to do. Be with them. God, let them feel your peace and presence in their life.

Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel...that they will begin to have a deep, deep desire to have a relationship with you. Give them a craving as you would for their favorite food. Give them that longing.

Our little white truck. That the ones working on it with have the knowledge they need to fix it.

Our home...that it will be a place of peace and rest for the kids.

Peace. I want peace today.

Jay and Marilyn. As they grieve. As Jay tries to stabilize his meds. Just wrap your arms around them. And I still feel terrible that she is feeding us because I can't fix, or sit at our table. Give her the strenght. That's where John got it. Others were always first to matter what he was feeling or going through. believe.....I will make kids will make it.....and we will all be alright.


Anonymous said...

Saundra & kids,

We are still praying, especially as you start school today Saundra. We are rejoicing with you for answered prayer (like with Matthew) and still grieving with you as you walk through this difficult journey.

You are loved.

Lisa & Eric

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm so glad you made it to the front for church. That's such a huge step and something to be so very proud of! It may still be hard for awhile but I bet it will get easier and easier now that you've made the first step. :)

Again, I am so thankful for the many people God has placed around you. Kayla and I were talking the other day and she mentioned being amazed at the response that was given through this whole time - the way people have jumped in to help in any way they can. It's truly been a blessing to see.

I'm praying that you have a WONDERFUL day at school today and that you are blessed beyond measure!

I love you!

JJ said...

I just learned about your blog last night and have read each post. You are such an inspiration to me and this blog is a blessing. You remind me of Rick Husband's wife who wrote, A Higher Calling, following the death of him in the space shuttle disaster over TX. Your testimony as a family, a couple, and even now is a tangible display of God's love, peace, strength, and hope. I hope today brings you some needed joy as you endure another first. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I prayed for you yesterday as I knew you were planning on sitting in the 'family' place at church. God was with you as well as precious friends.

I'm excited for you as the redecorating of your house begins...with those 3 gals, you're in good hands. Some day that won't be your house, but you 'home' again.

I talked with Rick yesterday. He's going to check into printing your blogs and I will cover whatever expense there is. It can't be too much, but it will be a way for me to help from Kentucky. He will be getting back to me. God is good.

I've prayed for you this morning as I know you are possibly going back to work. If you don't make if today, you will make it!

Still praying and caring for you. I'm now praying especially for Jay, as he works to get his meds on track. Jay and Marilyn were and are very dear to my girls and myself.

I hope you day holds only good things.


Anonymous said...

May you still see John's smiles, little secret looks and may they strengthen you as he cheers you and the kids on.


Anonymous said...

Saundra, Yesterday I was sitting and writing an outline for a sermon I am giving to large group of Hunters during a regional Pheasent hunt next week. The topic is How to be the man that God made us to be. And I must say, John was truly an example of a legacy on "living a as a man of God". With your indulgence and permission, I would love to use him as an example(nothing personal). It is true that what we leave behind is a true example of what we were when we walked this earth, and your family is a true legacy. Reading how the little things someone does can hold such an important place now and in the future. I have been humbled in ways I am sure I needed to be humbled in through the reading of this blog. I have since tried to be sure my wife and family live with no regrets and my "dash" was worth living as John's was. I Pray the grief someday turns to Joy as you realize these small things you two shared are not things that most couples share, you two had (have) a special God given bond, that every couple should emulate and that is something to one day rejoice over. We are told to be about the father's work and try everyday to be more like Jesus, but also on earth there are those men we can point to and say, "Look it can be done". And John was one of those men..... I pray dear God that your strength is manifest in the lives of the entire Griffis family and that YOUR power be what guides them through the difficult times. I also praise you for the example that Saundra is, and for the example of John. I pray for the children I KNOW you have great things planned for them, I can feel it and I praise you for that, In Christ's name, Amen

Jeff Adams

Anonymous said...

I hope and prayed that your day at school went well. I prayed that you had a great peace like no other. The strides that you are making are wonderful, just another great work of God's wonderful hands! May you continue to feel God's hands around you and the kids. You know how I wish I could jump in the car and come on over!!! I hope you feel the love that comes in my "words". Love and Miss you!
cousin Lisa