Sunday, January 31, 2010

Jan 31,2010 Sunday

I woke in the night longing for John. I missed his movements. I missed his arm around me. I missed his snoring!!!! I continued to try to focus on God. So, needless to say I didn't get much sleep last night. In fact I was awake at 5:30 having my devotions.

As I walked out into the dark and empty living room I didn't feel the ache in my heart as I did yesterday morning. Yesterday was a day of fighting for control of my thoughts. Focus, focus, on Him, the good, not the bad; the happy, not the sad, the positive, not the negative. I felt like I was fighting all day long. I was realy exhausted by bedtime.

Matthew took me to Walmart to get some groceries. As we were wheeeling around we were discussing the evening; usually spent with Grams and Gramps, or Jeff and Sallye. But, we talked and decided that we would spend it as a family. Now, I have to tell you this put a lump in my throat. Alone? In the evening? Me cook? But, since Matthew seemed to want to really do it I knew it was time for my to buck up and do it. So we got the things to make Hot Italian Sandwiches (which was very hard because they were John's fav) because that is what Matthew wanted.

For the rest of the day I fought for control of my thoughts. How was I going to do this?

Jeff and Sallye left around 7...I believe. Matthew and Hannah went to get 2 movies. I had to go to the kitchen....and COOK! I just could hardly bring myself to do it...knew I couldn't do it alone. I kept putting it off and Matthew and Hannah returned. So I went to the kitchen and started....with shaking hands, tears in my eyes, an ache in my heart, and a sick feeling in my stomach. But, God was and there and the amazing thing....Matthew just hung out in the kitchen talking with me! Amazing! Never before has that happened!!! We have an amazing God. Don't tell me that was circumstance. He kept me talking and we had the neatest conversation! When at last I put them in the oven...we both went our seperate ways. He to his room, me to the laundry room.

When they were finished....I just would get sick to my stomach thinking of sitting at "our" I suggested that we take our food in the living room and eat while watching our movies. That went over big.

I am not going to dwell on the fact that I couldn't eat at the table. I am dwelling on the fact that we spent the night alone as family, I cooked and we all survived. I still missed John of course. Even as I sat and ate and watched the movie....I thought of how sometimes we would do this and he and I would sit next to each other. But, Praise God. I made it.

Well, you know how my night went.....I hope tonight is better since I have school tomorrow. scare me! :) Trust me...I will be watching!!!! You are so sweet. Thanks for thinking of me.

I wish for you all to pray for us today:

Sundays are my worst days. I have come to almost hate them. Pray that I feel God's arms around me all day.

Pray that as we all (the kids and I) listen to the service that we all have wisdom and knowledge as we listen to the Pastor as he gives the message. That we will understand what is being said, and know how to apply it to our lives so that each of us can live a life more like Christ.

Pray for peace for all of us.

Again...thank you for reading and commenting....and most of all your prayers.....


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Jan 30, 2010

Well I woke up this morning with the biggest longing for John than I have in a long time. I just longed for him to be here. I walked out into the dark halls and living room and never felt so alone. I couldn't wait to get into God's word and see some of His promises. He was good to me.

In the book that Sallye gave me I want to share this;
Let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to me. Whenever your mind wanders, LASSO those thoughts and bring them into MY PRESENCE. In My radiant light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away. Judgmental thought are unmasked as you bask in my unconditional Love. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity of My Peace. I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me.

Worship me only. Whatever occupies your m9ind the most becomes your god. Worries, if indulged, develop into idols. Anxiety gains a life of its own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in My Presence. I read your thoughts continually, searching for evidence of trust in Me. I rejoice when your mind turns toward Me. Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought-choices will keep you close to me.

When I journaled, before I read my bible and this book, I asked God to show me something. That he was here with me.

Well he did. My goal for today is to just take each thought (sad, discouraging, fear, doubts...etc) captive and put them in HIS PRESENCE! He told me I could do that.

We are to grow in Christ in every way is faith and trust. It said that what goes on in my head is not visible to anyone else. But he reads my thoughts continually. I know...people around me probably think that I have all this faith, all this trust. I am not suppose to make you think or believe that. God knows. He is the ONE that I am to show that my faith and trust in Him is growing. He knows!

I still have a tear in my heart. But I believe He opened my eyes this morning to things I need to change and work on. I promised Him that today I was starting with FOCUSING on HIM. Taking my thoughts captive.

Jeff and Sallye were here most of the day working in my house. I would not be where I am if it weren't; for them. After being with us all day...Jeff took Isaac and Rachel sledding. I was so grateful! I told him...I am so glad he did it! They love to do that so much! John would do it with them all the time! If Jeff hadn't done one else would have. They wouldn't get a bit of their daddy being here. Not being able to do the things with him they once did, I am sure brings much hurt as it does me. So, when the opportunity comes where they can experience a "daddy thing" I am sure it takes some of the hurt away.

Oh, if I could tell you all that Jeff and Sallye mean to me...but there are not words to describe or tell. But I would ask that when you see sure to tell them thank you and how thankful you are that they have been my help in these days. That they truly are being family to me. Especially the kids. Express to them your gratefulness. They truly are being servants of Christ. When he TUGS at their hearts, he doesn't have to TUG hard....they are ready, willing, and they move. I am so thankful to Christ that he put them in my path.

Continue to pray for Matthew. I really do see a change in him. There is even a change in his countenance to me. Pray that as the Lord speaks to him he will be obedient and listen.

I pray for each of the other kids...Hannah, Isaac, and Rachel. Hannah, I pray that she will desire a relationship with Christ. They say that sometimes when people are grieving they put that grief into something, shopping...etc... I believe Hannah has put her grief into her friends. She does not want to stay home. She wants to be with them. And even one day told me that when she is home she just thinks about daddy all the time. Pray that she will somehow work through this. I miss her being here. She has changed in all this. I can't explain it. But at home, here, she is not the Hannah she was. I guess none of us are the same are we?

Pray that Isaac would have an obedient heart. That he would listen to that voice of obedience. He just does not want to do what I ask. Which causes great strife between us. Pray that he would begin to desire a relationship with Christ...he is able!

Rachel. What a blessing. She is always happy. At first I didn't ask that God would work in her heart...then I remember all the stories where God speaks to the tender hearted. She is so tenderhearted. So, I am going to, and I ask that you, pray that God would begin to shape and mold her into what he plans for her to be. To glorify him. To mold her heart, soul and mind into what he can use to glorify him.

I also want to pray that we become family again. I feel like we all went our own way in the grieving process. I know that is fine. Normal. But I am ready for us to be a family again. I asked God to begin to bond us together. To help us see one another through God's eyes. And begin to bond and want to be with each other.

Pray that my focus stays on Him today.

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers, and comments. I look forward to each one...each one giving me a bit of hope and peace. To know that I am not going through this alone.


Friday, January 29, 2010

Jan 29, 2010 Friday

Well, its happened. I have been ambushed. The other wives who have lost husbands warned me about it. When everything is going great....then suddenly, that wave comes CRASHING in.

I miss him so much this morning. Questions thrash through my mind.

I will probably not do this often....but this is the the only way I feel I can express myself to you this morning...I will let you read some of my journal from this morning:

As I was having my devotion the song "That's what Faith Can do" came on. I love that song..normally. But this morning it just made me angry....made questions is what I wrote....I long for that faith Lord. I need that faith to survive today. How do I get it? I had thought I had that faith when I prayed for John's healing and it didn't happen?????????

Then the song "God Bless The Broken Heart"...that led me down this road....again...anger, whys?
I wrote..How can I feel Blessed about my broken heart, not just for me but for my kids? You break our hearts so we will go down the road you have chosen for us? How do you ever consider this good God? Yes, I have drawn closer to you, I believe Matthew is coming into a relationship with You. But, why God. Why through a broken heart? How can I ever bless you for our broken hearts?

In Psalm 66 your word says you have preserved our lives. I really have to ask you God...why? I wish you would have taken us all. I think we would have all been better off. With you, and together. Why did you do it the way you did God? Why?

Not that it helped me much. Yes, honestly it did some. But then I had to come back to why as I read the book that was given to me....God said...

(I am paraphrasing and just using parts) I am thy shield. "All is well" I can see the future. I know better than you what you need. Trust in ME absolutely. You are being led in a very definite way...

Never fear, whatever may happen. You are being led. Do not try to plan. I have planned. You are the builder, not the Architect.

Go very quietly, very gently. All is for the very best for you.

Trust me for all. Your very extremity will ensure My activity for you. And having your foundation on the Rock--Christ, Faith in Him, and "being rooted and grounded in Him,: and having belief in My Divinity as your Corner Stone, it is your to build., knowing all is well.

Literally, you have to depend on Me for everything--everything. It was out of the depths that David cried unto Me , and I heard his voice. All is well.

I thought, wow, that's good. But I always read it once...highlighting, then go back and read it is my journal writing from it:

All is not well Lord....John is gone. I have a hard time trusting you absolutely when I did with John and he is gone. "All is for the best for me"????? How can that be Lord? How can this ever be for the best for me and my kids? How?

Lord, if my foundation is not on the ROCK--Christ, and Faith in You, and I am "being rooted and grounded in You.....then what more do I have to go through for that to happen?

I have cried Lord. As David cried. Why must I cry like this to get your attention? I don't understand you Lord.

Lord, today I need to hear from you. Today...I need your presence.

I write and let you into my journal so you can know how I feel today...the questions that go through my mind. Oh, I know as the kids get up one by one...I will get on with my day...but I also know that throughout the day....this will continue to be on my mind....the whys, hows,???? And my life goes on. And what a life.

Good thing we didn't have school today. I don't think I could have gone. This would not be a good day to be around all those reminders of my wonderful husband.

Well, yesterday I finished Matthew's room. His room is almost done.

Sallye and Jeff were over most of the day and we are almost finished with the girls room. Just the trim and ceiling are needing to be done..then the window treatments. But we are almost there.

I don't know if I told you that we are off the floor and mattress now! It feels so good! Isaac and Matthew are in their rooms, then the girls have a double on the bottom of the their bunk and a twin on top. So Hannah is on top and Rach and I on the bottom. I could almost have a good night sleep if I didn't wake through the night with memories flooding my mind!

Anyway, I hope the next will be our/my room. The change will be hard. I even sit here and cry thinking of it. But I can't have it like it was/is. There is too much there of him. Just too much. Oh...I want him back!!!!!

I don't know if I have the information right. So, please check into the details...with the High School, or Phil Brown...he is actually the one that talked to me. But OCS (I think) called him and said that when we play against them...I think on their court....that during half time they are going to have a fund raiser for The John Griffis Memorial Fund...where they have a free throw contest and all the proceeds will go to the fund. I thought that was so sweet of them! John...once again lives on. Why they do it I can only think that it was through his coaching basketball and golf. He was so kind and people friendly he made many friends of the other coaches. I remember sitting in the stands and watching him talk to these other coaches as if they were his best friends. So, obviously he touched someones life at OCS (i think it is that school) but whatever school it is...he touched someones life.....

Oh...I miss him today. I want him here to sleep in with. Instead of being up...alone. Waiting for one of the kids...just so there will be some kind of body....some kind of movement. God what have you allowed???????

We are making it through the weather. Yesterday we went to Grams and Gramps for lunch. Yummy Southwestern Soup. Just about the time we got home the weather hit. Jeff and Sallye came over and then they got pizza for dinner. So, we are doing fine. Matthew has no fear of the roads, so I know he will take me somewhere (close) if I need to go.

Thanks to all of you who checked in on us yesterday. It was good to know that people still remember I am to speak.

My prayer....
Lord, somehow, help me get to the present...and leave the past. So that I can grow in you.

Be with me....let me feel you "carry me as you carry your lambs....close to your heart" today.

Be with my kids. When it is quiet, free time, is when they miss him the most. Let them be busy today. Whether outside or inside. Lord, bring friends....

Father, bring us all closer to you. Help us to feel a longing to be closer. Help each of the kids to feel a tug at their heart to talk with you and to walk with you. Help them to feel the need to have more of a relationship with you. And Lord, help me to be an example to them.

Thanks for reading...commenting and for the advice. Stay warm today. I love you all.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Jan 27, 2010...p.m.

Today was one of those days where I just kept saying to myself, "I can't believe he is gone." It just kept going over and over again in my head. Just small, short thoughts. Yet they were there. Always I tear in my chest. But always being carried by my God....and ALWAYS close to his heart.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. YES!!! It was initially planned that Rach would return to her science class maybe 10 min at a time. (for most of you....when John passed, to help the kids, they moved the science room into his room and the math room into the science room...well Rach had math with going to her science class was unbearable for her...AND ME!!!) Anyway, we marked Monday as the day. When it came time she was a little hesitant at first, but I told her that when she was ready to leave just tell me and we would go.

Mrs. Newberry was so kind. She had a student move up a seat so Rach and I could sit next to each other...and Rach next to one of her friends Morgan Rothwell. It made me feel so good when I saw the look that Morgan gave was one of....I am so proud of you. Even at that young I think Morgan knew how hard it was for Rach.

Throughout the class I kept asking Rach if she was alright because she would look at me and smile. I think now it was a smile of...."Mom, we can do this!" and we did. Later in the evening I asked her if she wanted to go the next day and she said "Yes, she would." I asked if she wanted me to go with her. She said, "No, I think Morgan and I can do it together." I am so proud of her. It was very hard for me. Seeing his room so different. Changed. The pics that Rach had made for him from Kindergarten...and on. Just to see HIS room different was very hard for me. But, I actually think I struggled more than Rach. But, she did it! Praise the Lord!

Hannah played last night. And though she only played for a few minutes that 3 pointer was worth it. The smile running back was even better. I wish John was there to see it.

When we got home from the game we found Jeff and Sallye here. Remember I had painted 3 of the girls walls. Well, they had cleaned the room and put the furniture back. WHY? So I could sleep in a bed!!!! They have a bunk bed, so Rach and I slept in the double and Hannah on top. I slept great. It was probably the first I have slept that good since..... I woke up some,, but it wasn't because I was freezing from being on the floor, or back hurting from being on the mattress. I didn't have to make up the mattress and the couch, or clean up the next morning at 6:00 to get everything off the floor so we could move. It made life so much easier! Thank you so much Jeff and Sallye. God tugged and they moved. Now all we have to do to their room is finish that one wall and the trim....and they can really be moved in!

Matthew is doing alright. He is just quiet now. Which isn't any different than before. He spoke in FCA in the High School today which made me very proud. He asked me not to come because he was so nervous already. But Hannah said he did well. I knew he would.

I took Isaac over to grams and gramps to do homework tonight. We had a lot to do and I just didn't think I could do it again. It went great. Course earlier in the day...after school he and I had talked. I told him how I hated the way things were between us. We talked it out and I think he understood my side ...I think. went smoothly at gramps and he got all his homework done. I teased him and said, "See, how easy things can go when you do what you are suppose to do?" He just smiled.

Rach is doing alright. We moved her from Intermediate Math to General. John and I talked her into taking Intermediate this semester because it seemed that it was coming so easy to her. So easy in fact that it surprised John and I because we thought that would be the subject she struggled in.

Well, as we get further into this semester it seems that she is moving backwards in her math skills. I think it is just too much of change in math for her. From her daddy to a different teacher, and different skills. But it seems like she is still struggling some. Cooper Siems came over last night and helped her. I think he may have her back on track now.

Hannah is doing well except in History. She is struggling in there for some reason. But she is going to talk to the teacher and see what needs to be done.

Tammy, you are right. Karen can make anyone laugh. I don't remember the time she made me laugh...but thanks for telling me. I never thought I would LAUGH again. God is good. He is creating a new me. Thanks for noticing and telling me. I love you and love working with you.

Kori...John and I did/and do love Kelsi. She was always so kind and sweet in our classes. What I said is what I meant. She is still very special to me.

Chris and Kristie...I know that what you both say is true. But right now...I feel like I walk a very thin line with him. I do I know that the way he is acting is not out of missing his daddy. If it is, I don't want to be too hard on him. I am so confused about how to handle any of the kids. I am so afraid of hurting them more than they already are.

Tollya...I am sure you read above about the science class. It is so sweet that Bethany noticed. That says something to me. That she really cares about my Rachel. I love Bethany. She is so sweet. Rachel sure has a great group of supporting friends. Thanks for mentioning it.

To all of you...thank you for your prayers, and thoughts. Thanks for continue to read and for the commenting...I cannot live without your comments. I really do take each one to heart.

Pray that God direct me and guide me and raising, teaching and disciplining the kids.

Pray that each one of them will begin to have a desire, I mean a deep desire to know our Saviour, their Saviour.

Pray a hedge of protection, a hedge of angels around each of us as we go to school, to the golf course, where ever we may be. That the enemy will not be able to touch us as we heal.

Pray for Matthew to finish his work from OWU and that they would work with us.

Pray for Jay and Marilyn and Dawn. They are hurting as I am.

I want to be closer, more of what God wants me to be. Pray that as I read his word that I would have wisdom and understanding. That he would give me insight into his word.

I love you all,

PS...Pray for the weather and me. I have never been alone in the icy snowy weather. You may not understand but I am kind of scared. What do I do? Is there anything I am suppose to do to the house to prepare it? Anything outside? Cover anything? I am kind of afraid. And what if I can't get out? Matthew will try and that terrifies me. Just pray for me.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tues, Jan 25,2010

First, I have to tell you that I appreciate everyone of you comments. I look forward to them. When I can't get on here for a few days I begin to really miss you all. So thank you again for reading and commenting.

Sunday, again was hard. It's just so hard to not have him next to me. Thankfully, Jeff and Sallye are filling in as much as they possibly can. I miss hearing him sing next to me. I miss his hand reaching over and holding mine as we pray. I miss him holding onto the kids as he hugged on them standing there. I miss him.

Sunday school is always hard. There were little things that we did for each other....that no one could or would see...but things that I miss.

Then when I went to Jay and Marilyns for lunch I took the VYPE magazine for them to see. I feel they would want to see it also. When I opened for them the first pic I saw was of him crossing the finish line in the mock race they had in Rachel's class. His hands up and his face laughing. All I could think was that had to be the way it was when he "crossed that line from this earth to Heaven". But then I began to miss him so much my heart hurt. I began to cry and went into the other room. It wasn't long until Dawn came in and we just held each other and cried together. Sometimes that is all we cry and hold each other.

Hannah worked that day. At around 4:00 I got a call from her boss. She said Hannah just began to cry. So she took her back and talked with her and Hannah had looked at the VYPE article. It was her time. Her time for the big wave, the tidal wave. Her boss, Dawn, talked with her for 2 hours and then told her to come home.

When she got here, I told her that those times would come. Then we talked about how that is the time that we need to have Scripture memorized so we can quote them. But we held each other for a while and talked through it. I knew her time would come. She is doing fine now.

Yesterday was okay. Isaac had a game in Marlow last night. Great game and Isaac played great. They did lose, which was discouraging to him. But he played well.

Then when we got home I let him take his shower then asked him to get his homework out. It was awful from that point on. He didn't want to do anything that I asked him to do. I never raised my voice. Tried and tried. But he didn't want to do it. Then he said I was an idiot and he didn't even care if he called me that. I teared up and went to Matthew. Hoping that he could help me. He was so gentle and sweet as he talked with him. But it did no good.

I called Jay and we finally came to the conclusion that nothing was going to change. It was late...just put it away and we would deal with it. He said that on the way home he noticed that Isaac was staring at the pic of John on his phone. So, he could be feeling loss, pain and hurt. Along with losing the that is what we did. We just put everything away.

I had my devotions...last night and this morning. I prayed. I prayed that God be Isaac's Father right now.....that he would guide him as John would. That God would help me to be the mother. Right now I can't be both. So I prayed that Isaac would have the heart to listen to his Father, and that I, as his mother, would have wisdom to do what God would have me to do.

So, I have a BIG tear in my heart this morning. I feel so badly that there is a wall between he and I now. He is still angry this morning. And I feeel so hopeless in this matter. I try to give where I can when it comes to homework....but it just doesn't seem to help.

Madilyn, I want to thank you for the stamps. You don't know how I was so grateful to receive them. You are so sweet to think of such a simple gesture that is such a big help. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts for all of us.

James, thank you for reading my blog and keeping up with us. I appreciate it. I remember your girls having John in class. I hope they came away with just what he wanted....different in a christlike way.

Anonymous...thank you for you scripture and words. They are such a help when I am feeling like this.

Jeff...again...thanks for thinking of us.

To all of you...
Pray for Isaac. I told the Lord this morning that I didn't even know what or how to pray for him. I don't know what he needs. I don't know what to do. Just pray that God direct me...and him.

Continue to be with Matthew. I see such a change in him. Yea, there are still things and times when I am disappointed about something that is said or done....but he has come such a long way. Praise God!!!! Pray that God would continue to work in his heart, mind and soul. Also, this seems so trivial to what we face every day...but he needs help with his golf game. He is kind of struggling. John would always be there to give him advice. Please pray that His Father in Heaven will just be his hands, his arms, his mind and his eyes as he plays. Also, we still haven't got Matthew's Sociology test and paper figured out for OWU. Please pray that it will somehow work out so he can finish it.

Be with Hannah. Her heart is now raw. I pray that God use this time to draw him to her. That she would have the desire to search for him. She is struggling in History class also. She is going to talk to the teacher today. Pray that she gain knowledge in that class.

Be with Rach. She is so tenderhearted. I pray that God use her tender heart for his glory. That she would begin to grow in spirit and wisdom according to his word.

Pray for his hedge of angels around us.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sun, Jan 24, 2010

Saturday went better than I had anticipated. I did keep myself very busy. The day went fast. There were moments of memories and sadness...but was okay.

I did get one wall of Matthew's room painted. AND HE LIKED IT! I would have painted the other but he has some huge furniture in front of it that I can't move. So I will wait to do that when I have some man power here.

I was worn out (yes, just after one wall of Matthew's), after cleaning up that I had decided that I would only tackle one of the girls walls. Their room is much bigger. I sat down just to rest a minute and chat with Rach....and a knock came to the door.

ANOTHER ANGEL!!!! It was Tina Spear. Asking! Asking!!! Asking to paint. I couldn't believe it! We went to work and got the three walls finished that the girls wanted painted. I couldn't do the ceiling because there is a big crack that needs to be mended. And one wall they want to paint with that black magnetic well as the trim. I am gonna let them do that. But I was thrilled to have that part of MY painting done. I hate painting! The girls loved their colors as well.

Then I was off to Hannah's basketball game in Kingfisher...which I might add was awesome. Even though she didn't was a great game and she came away smiling. It was so worth it.

Its a hard trip anywhere towards Okarche and Kingfisher for me. John and I rode our bikes out to Okarche for breakfast one time. Probably the thing I remember most was how patient he was with me. I really didn't think I was going to make it back. But he kept assuring me that anytime I needed to stop we would. And stop we did....many times. But he was so patient. He could have taken off and been back in 1/2 the time it took us. But we would have to stop pretty much after every uphill battle. He would ride along beside me and coax me along with "You can do it, I know you can, you can do it!" And I did. But I could not have done it without him. He praised me so much when we were finished. Just like in life...he kept me going. Just like now....the times when I think I can't do it without him. But this time it is God coaxing me and telling me I can do it. And if God grants John a peek of me here...I am sure he is up there shouting, "You can do it! I know you can do!"

The service this morning was awesome. The choirs song touched my heart so much. God spoke to me through that song.

David, our teacher, is allowing God to use him to show me the way to a purified, God living life. He doesn't know how he teaches me and encourages me each Sunday. I learned a long time ago that memorizing scripture and saying it aloud chases many of the enemies schemes away. I just think of the time that Jesus was in the desert and he quoted scripture ALOUD to the enemy. I am memorizing because as you all know....the enemy is after me day after day, because he knows I am weak at this time.

Jadean, Take care of yourself. When you are better, come back and chat. Until then, I will know you are praying for me.

Continue to pray for Matthew. He just does not have the discipline to get up. He told me he would be to church and then laid down and didn't come. He apologized and I know he intended to come...but he just doesn't have that discipline. Continue to pray that God will talk with him and move his heart.

Hannah works today at Panera if anyone wants to go by just to cheer her up. Pray for her to keep her strength . Pray that she be a good witness during this time.

Keep Isaac and Rach in your prayers. They are so young, yet are having to grow up so fast. I would like to you pray that God prepare them to open their hearts and lives to him.

Thanks for your reading, and your comments.

Even if I don't know you...I love you for somehow being a part of my life.

I love you

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Saturday, Jan 23 2010

Well, It is Saturday. As I have come to learn....and you have to I am sure. They are my worst days. Those were the days that John and I were glued together.........I miss him so much today. I have just decided that I will keep myself busy on these days. For instance today....I am going to paint Matthew's room. I hate to take advantage of Joe Cunningham. He is such a good man. I promised Matthew, Hannah and Rachel...not too long after the tragedy that I would paint their rooms. (Sallye and Jeff painted and decorated Isaac's) So today I am going to paint Matthew's. It is just two walls that he wants painted. His room is the smallest in the house, so I figure it wont' take but an hour.

Then I will start the girls. Their room is one of the larger rooms, so I know I won't get far....but they ask me pretty often when we can paint it. Funny how they won't be here to help! But it was WE that was going to paint it!!!:)

If you like to paint, I would take any help....just for the company if nothing else. I think Jeff and Sallye may help....but they have a new baby niece that I know and understand that they want to be with.

Wow, I have a ache that is huge in my chest. My prayer this morning is that God would replace it with a peace and joy.

I part of a book last night. It was about a pastor that lost his son. It is truth I know. But it made me realize what a journey I have before me. The special days are what haunt me the they did this pastor and his wife.

I began to think.....of what I had before me....Valentines Day, March 10...would have been our 20th Anniversary, his birthday May 7, Fathers day, Mothers day (he always celebrated that big for me) Fall break (we went camping with the kids), and then it starts all over the day he passed, thanksgiving without him, Christmas without him......and it goes on and on.

I told my Marilyn when I look ahead I am not sure I can stand that much pain, that much hurt. That pastor said that every time he felt like he was getting on top of things then another reminder would hit.

He and his wife one night, pulled into the garage, sat in the car and she said, "All we have to do is close the garage door, open the windows and leave the car run." He thought for a minute and said, "Yes, but what would that do to (I can't remember his name but they had a younger son)?" I told Marilyn, that sometimes I feel that way. Just give up,....but no way. I have too much. So, I keep on. By God's grace and mercy I will keep on.

Well, I better get my day started. I have to run to Home Depot for the paint. Then I will get started. Remember....the more the merrier!!!!

Jenna, I love your posts! You are so cheerful! Thank you for reading and commenting! was nice meeting you. I look forward to seeing more of you. I do intend to join the group. But right now...every night I have games. But soon that will end and I will be able to join.

Tollya...thanks so much for finding that link!!!! I had told many about it, but didn't know where they could find that magazine! And thank you for what you are doing for Rach. She really does enjoy it. You all are a blessing to me and her!

My prayer

Matthew: He has been kind of down yesterday. Didn't want to talk much. And actually snapped at me a couple of times. It may be "his" time for right now. Just pray for him. He still hasn't taken the 11 page test and now we are thinking we read it wrong and he has some kind of project due. So please pray. There is a deadline.

Pray for Hannah. She has a game tonight. Wow, does she love to play. You know after John passed she actually considered quitting. That was something she and her daddy shared a love for. But she, with the help of her friends, came around and now she is having fun more. She does get discouraged at times...not getting to play like she would like. But then we remind her that at least she DOES get to play some. Pray for her safety and that she will have fun today.

Rachel is with a friend. She spent the night. That made my night hard. The last time she spent the night at a friends house, Isaac and she were both sleeping on the mattress with me. So when she was gone I had Isaac to sleep with. Well he is back in his own room now...and he had a friend over, so I was alone. I didn't sleep well at all. But I would not have stopped her for anything.

Pray for her protection. Her happiness. That she have a good time.

Pray that Isaac continue to have a good time with Brady. They are really two peas in a pod. They want to go golfing today. Would you pray that maybe Matthew would feel in his heart to take them? I will be painting...and I would stop if needed. But if he could just take a while to take them, how much easier that would be.

Pray that my children...each of their own way begin a to have a desire to know and serve our risen Lord. That they would yearn to know Him. Especially the older ones that truly understand the meaning of serving God. I want so much for my kids to have a relationship with Christ.

Pray for me...that today would be a day of happiness and joy.......


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thurs Jan 21, 2010

I made it! The day is gone and I made it!

I am really leaning on the scripture in Isaiah about the shepherd and his lamb. That is where I want to to his heart.

I had my up and downs today but was able to handle it pretty well. When I went into the work room for lunch there was an article that someone had copied out of a sports magazine that I assume all coaches get. It is an Oklahoma sports magazine about coaches and the players. And there, at the top of the Copied article were the words:From members of his boys and girls golf teams, to students in his class to the teachers around him, Bethany's John Griffis was one of the most incredible people they say they ever met.

The second heading said this: A guy who hated tense situations. That is probably why he left a profession as an attorney in 1995, to mold young minds of the future. Griffis strived to make whoever was around him laugh whether it was with a "blonde joke: or a crazy outfit on costume day. To everyone who knew him,he lived his life the way we all should, never taking it too seriously and always having fun. Griffis tragically died Nov. 20 days after he fell from a ladder while working on his roof, but to everyone in Bethany High School, they'll always remember what he preached.

Then there are questions from the story writer to Mr Hawk, Kendall Ridings, Callee Cox, Mr Broughton,and Mr Brown. They answered the questions honestly and with great feelings.

I believe the name of the magazine is VYPE. I have never heard of it before. But it is an article worth looking at. It has pictures of John and some of the teachers, him dressed up as an old man standing next to Isaac, etc....It was a very good article and made me so proud of the man he was....and still is.

I was worried, as I mentioned this morning about fixing and eating. God answered. Janene Brown invited me and the kids over for dinner. It was wonderful and fun. We had a great time. I want to thank them for taking the time out of their schedule to meet our needs!

Well, better help Rach with her Study her Science. Just wanted to fill you in on my day.

By the way...Matthew was very discouraged at how he played today for qualifying. So bad he said that he didn't want to talk about it. And he has not. He was really down. Pray for him. That God will life him up and encourage him. That what ever his problem is, that he will be able to figure it our and improve his game.

Pray for a good night sleep. I am so tired.

I love you all...thanks for reading...for your comments, for your prayers,

Jan 21, 2010

Yesterday was good. No really, it was good. I wouldn't say great. I wouldn't say wonderful. I wont' say the best. But I can say good.

I made it through the school day without sneaking into the restroom for a cry. I did say a few things to Ms Williams that brought tears to my eyes. But, there is something about her that connects with me....and we I don't have to say much for her to understand.

I had a very little nap when I got home which always helps me. John used to tell me that if I didn't get my rest he knew I would fall apart emotionally. He is right. I have to have my sleep or I am an emotional wreck. Which at this point I am already there! Just imagine...w/out sleep.

Then, I took Matthew, Hannah and Isaac out to eat. Rach was with friends. But it was at Chili's. They picked it. You may remember that that was where John and I went a lot on our "date nights" because we could share a meal. This is also where I broke down the last time I was there...before I even walked in the door. I was miserable the whole time I was there.

But, I felt God Carrying me. Yea, it was hard. As we sat and talked I missed John being there talking with us. His favorite thing was to order the chips and salsa. I tried to avoid that,, but Matthew asked if we could get them. I couldn't tell him no. So there was the chips and salsa staring me in the face....mocking me. But, I remembered the scripture from Isaiah yesterday: I say it again because I am leaning on it: He takes care of me as a shepherd takes care of his sheep. He carries them in his arms close to His heart. He cares for those with the young". And as I quoted that in my mind...a peace came over me. I couldn't eat, but I suddenly was able to join in the conversation w/out negative thoughts crowding out what my children were talking about.

Then I joined a group of God Sent Ladies. They too have lost their husbands....their other halves. It was soooooo good for me to know that I am normal. Did you know there is such a thing as Widows Brain? Yea, it can be for years. Where your body knows it cannot handle all the shock, so it slows some parts of your brain down so that other parts can do what they need to do. Memory is one. Thinking is another. I thought I was going crazy when I couldn't remember from one day to the next what I did the day before. Or certain numbers, dates, names, etc. But it has been proven. I am not going crazy.

But more than that....we had something in common. The pain, the hurt, the journey. There was pain from 2 months, (me) and to 12+ years. There is still pain. See, know one knows or realizes that when a spouse loses their loved on...they lose half of themselves, and that is a raw hurt and pain for years and years to come. But, I learned the only way, the only way, was by allowing God to carry me. Especially in those huge waves....those times when I don't think I can make it. Which will be often for a while. I am in the beginning stages of grief and mourning. I have a ways to go. Pray for me.

When I finally was able to be home and be with the kids it was so good. I love them so much. Course, Mr Toler, we had a history test to study for. And Rach had a bunch of Science to work on. I don't think we made it to bed before rest. But God carries me said so in proverbs today.

Matthew is doing good. When he went to eat with us last night he was in a good mood. Those don't happen often. But he joined in conversation. My prayer for him is a lot....I found out that he has an 11 page Sociology test that he has to finish for OWU. SOON! So pray that what he learned while there God will bring back to his memory. THAT is the last thing.

Also, today is another qualifying day for him. Pray that he will do well with his game. That he will make a low score again (77 or below would work). I want this for him so much. I just think it would do so much for his self esteem....and his belief.

Pray for Isaac and I as we study together. Last night wasn't bad. I was just too tired to argue any point. He automatically won them all! Pray that he will have wisdom today as he takes the test.

Pray for Hannah. I am/she is so blessed to have the friends that she has. Pray that she will be the leader among them.

Pray for Rach. She isn't doing well in Science. That was the room that was her daddy's and she was in there with him everyday. So she does not go in there during class. She sits in Mrs. Willifords room and the work is brought to her. So she is missing out on the note taking and she isn't doing very well. Yesterday I asked her, if starting Monday, if she thought she could go in there for just 10 minutes. She said she thought she could! So, pray, pray, pray for my little baby. Pray for peace as she enters the room. I have had to go in there. It sure isn't the same. It was very very hard for me. Help her not to see the changes they have made, but to see it as a Science classroom. We told her that if she couldn't make it that long she could come out. Believe me...I will be there. I have even thought I may go in and sit with her. IF she has to endure it, I will too. Until we can get her to be able to go back into that room. The school has been so good. But she just isn't getting the notes they are taking.

Pray for ALL of my children to desire a relationship with our Lord. I pray that they have a longing for a heart change. Pray that they hear, in their hearts, God calling.

Pray for a friend of mine. She has a son that is Matthews age. As I told her that I felt Matthew needed a heart change, she said "Oh .......does too! Pray for him!" I told her I would. Pray with me for him.

Pray for a good day for all of us. Tonight is the first night we have no plans. That means I have to first time...I don't know if I can do it...let alone sit at that table. And to be home....all evening ....I know it is hard to understand.....but these are real fears for me. Pray for me. I really want to throw up when I think of cooking and sitting at that table.

Debbie, God has given you so much wisdom with your boys through your journey. Thanks for sharing it with me. I appreciate it.

Jenna, thanks for reading and for your encouraging words....and tell Becky my hair is awesome!!!!

Jessie, thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. Every word said is of some help for me.

Anonymous: I never looked at it that way. John was, and is and will always be God's gift to me. He belongs to God. It puts a different perspective on all this for me. Doesn't make it any easier of course, but makes me look at it a little differently. Thanks for commenting!

Pray for peach, joy and happiness for all of us today.

I love you all!


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Jan 20, 2010

It was hard for me to blog was the second month of my Love being gone from this earth. But I made it!

Many things contributed to my being able to survive yesterday. My devotions....first thing God told me in Isaiah 11....He watches over his children as a shepherd watches over his sheep. He CARRIES them in his arms CLOSE to his HEART. And he helps those with the YOUNG!"

Wow! It was as if he was talking directly to me. Throughout yesterday I would quote that in my mind. He is watching me....He carries me....CLOSE TO HIS HEART! Where else would anyone else want to be? I felt safe...I felt Him yesterday carrying me.

Then, the school and Salon Envy gave me a gift certificate for a hair overhaul. Guys don't get it....girls do. It just makes you feel better. And I did as I left. It was good to do something that I enjoy doing...I like having my hair changed here and there.

Hannah played an awesome game last night. She was right down there getting beat up as usual. But she was awesome. I was so proud of her.

Homework was a little tedious. Rach had a bunch to do. We finished around 10:00....way past my bedtime! Let alone hers!

Then there was Isaac. Somehow we have got to come to some kind of terms with working together. We just clash every time....and I mean every time we study together. My prayer this morning was that God would give me patience and understanding to know what he needs me to do during those times. And that he would have a calm spirit when we study.

I told you wrong reg. Matthew and his qualifying. Da. I told you I didn't know much about qualifying. Yes, he did do well on Monday for qualifying. I guess you could say that he is one step closer to qualifying. But they do not do it day after day...there will just be another day when he will play to qualify. He doesn't know when that will be right now. But, just keep praying for his game. That everyday he will learn something new that will improve his game. Ive asked God to be his hands, his mind, his eyes.

We got the little white truck back! Thanks to Eric Lang and friends. I thank you so much! It makes things so much easier when we have 5 people that have to be at 6 different places!!! I usually let Matthew drive the explorer out to Rose Creek where SNU practices. It is quite a ways and I just feel better when he is in the bigger vehicle...and the new one. He is happy. He calls it his baby. I don't say anything because he knows...its my baby!!!!!

Tonight at 6 I a meeting with a few ladies who themselves have found themselves in my place. Help me to ask the right questions to help me through this. And ask the Lord to speak through them. And above all....pray for God to be there among us.

My prayer is for the safety of all my children. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Since none of them are really talking....keeping things inside I pray for their emotional needs.

Pray that EACH of them have a desire to REALLY know God. To have a personal relationship with him. To desire to know him more and more each day.

That God search my heart for anything that will keep me from having a pure heart and a closer walk with him.

Be with the kids as school. Give them wisdom for any work that they have in front of them. I believe in my heart that He is doing that. They seem to all be doing well. Isaac is starting to falter. He started off with a bang....but he's losing his gusto. We are starting to struggle again.
Pray for him. I know he misses his dad. I think he actually enjoyed their time together studying. Just him and dad. Pray for my little guy.

Pray that God continue to meet our needs. He has been good to us. Very good. But...and I say this with all honesty....I live in fear of not being able to meet my children's needs. Literally live in fear. Pray that God calm my heart...and remind me that He is ALL we need. Men...I now know the stress you are under. Bless your hearts. I am sorry.

Pray for Matthew as he travels to and from Rose Creek Golf Course for practice. I any mother would.....pray for his protection...God's protection, his hedge of Angels around him. Protection not only for his own carelessness, but from the other people driving around him.

Thank you for each comment. I was thrilled to see some new names on here. It is always fun to see that I have more prayers coming my way. Thank you for each of your prayers. I may not know you personally...but please know...that I love each of you.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Jan 18, 2010

I just couldn't wait until later to let you all know about Matthew. This is what I understand. I may understand it wrong...but I think it is good news!

He has to qualify to go to the tournament. Which means that he plays several rounds of golf with the SNU golf team and at the end of those several rounds, the coach will take the 5 (I think) best scorers to the tournament. Remember...I asked you to pray for Matthew this morning.

Well, he scored 77. When he told me I asked him if he was pleased with that. He said he wouldn't be except that he beat most of the other guys. All but two. Now that is pleasing! I was so proud of him. Even prouder when coach told him that he inherited his short game from his dad, who inherited from his dad. Matthew was so proud of that statement. He is excited now.

Then at Isaac's BB game tonight he played awesome! Jeff and Sallye were there with us of course and Jeff started calling him (The Weapon). It cracked me up. He played so well.

So, I said....the Griffis' boys made their dad, not to mention their mom very proud today. They did well.

I was quick to tell Matthew that I had asked for prayer for him and I believe God helped him.

I haven't had my devotions yet...I just wanted to share this. I was so excited.

We were due for some good news. I can smile tonight...and really mean it.

I will try to get on in the morning after devotions.

Pray for a good night sleep. I am not sleeping well.
Pray for my kids.
Pray for peace.

I love you all,

Mon, Jan 18, 2010

Woke this morning with a very sick feeling in my stomach. Like I am losing control. Control of me.

Read my devotions. Feel no better really. Don't feel like God is helping me. Is it me? Do I not have the faith I need? I feel so lost. So alone. I belong no where. I want so much to just feel a bit of his presence....a bit of SOMETHING!

I begged God this morning for so much...peace, joy, help, salvation, freedom from this pain, this hurt, direction, refuge.......what more do I ask?

And I wait......

I don't know what today holds. I am almost coming to that point where I don't care what today holds. It all hurts no matter what comes my way. In my devotion God tells me to hold his hand. How can I do that when I can't find him in this? I am so tired. Tired of it all.

Matthew is trying to qualify to play golf today. Don't forget to pray that God would guide his hands, his mind, his eyes. That he would qualify to play. I just believe that would do so much for his heart and soul.

Isn't it funny. I don't feel God. I can't find Him. Yet I ask you to pray for Matthew. See, I know He is there. Even though I don't feel him or see him. I just need Him so much that I don't understand why he is so far from????? I can't figure it out????

Pray for the kids and I as we go through our daily grind. I know Isaac has a game tonight. I am so thankful that it is a home game. Why they have one on a day off is beyond me.

Pray for Jeff and Sallye. They have been like family for me. They have been here for me since day one. I feel like I am overloading them with my pain, my hurt, my tears. The things that they are doing for me. You know...I never ask...they always know what I need. But, I feel like it is wearing them out as much as I am wearing myself out. Give them the strength they need to do what they feel in their heart God has given them to do. They really do feel that this is their calling. Pray that they have strength to do their calling.

Pray for God to reveal himself to me. I don't know how much longer I can go without seeing Him at a tangible way. Why not ask that? They did in the Bible! I have the same right. Who was it? Elijah that laid the lams wool out and asked if it be God's will to let there be dew on it...but not on the ground. The next morning it was dewey...the ground dry. BUT, just to be sure he did it the next night but turned it around....the ground dewey...the wool dry. And it was. That's all I ask...A tangible show that he is here.

Pray that he be with my children. Each of them need a personal relationship with God. That isn't just my longing...I know that is God's also. So, please pray that they begin to feel that desire in their know him at his fullest.

I miss John so much. I pray that that you would pray that somehow God replace that longing...that pain with some kind of joy.

All this must sound crazy to all of you. This rambling. These unanswerable things. These questions....these prayers...etc....but I am so desperate for help that I am willing to ask for anything...anything.

He says we can ask anything in his name...I am taking him at his word.

Todd, I know you must be in pain. I know you must be hurting. But, I am not sure I can help you at all. I am still in such great despair, such great pain. I am not sure i would help you at all. I will pray for you. Pray that God will help you through this. It is painful. I wish it on no one. You lost a part of you...a part of you...that can never be reclaimed. I will listen to you....I will comment to you...but I feel a failure myself in my faith. I don't know how that could possibly help you.

Please....pray for me.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Sunday Jan 17, 2010

Several of you mentioned Hannah. Wasn't she beautiful. I wish that John could have seen her. She was so happy. I am glad that she could be. I like what one of you said...that maybe this was one time that God allowed John to see what was happening here. I pray that he did.

I sit here...I don't know what to write....These last few days I have questioned God more than ever in my have received no answers.

I questioned his existence. I questioned his reasoning? Questions, questions and more questions. This morning in church, a line in the song was...something about a "merciful God"....I stopped singing and asked myself, "Merciful? You have got to be kidding me?" I quit singing and actually became angry at God as I stood there. Mercy? Mercy? Did I miss the meaning of Merciful somewhere? Would a God of Mercy allow a man to die who was loved dearly by his wife, who loved his wife dearly, who recently found "love" again, who has 4 children.....all so attached and loved by him...and loved him as well? Where is the mercy in that?

I don't have the answer....I know you don't have the answer. But as I read my Bible tonight....I have to say that I felt his presence...small as it was. He was with me.

I had a melt down today. I tried holding the tears in, but they won. In redoing the house there aer a lot of drawers and files to go through. I found some things of John's and I couldn't handle it.

As usual I called Marilyn, we cried together, talked together, and me and the little ones ended up over there. to work a puzzle. That just seems to really relax and calm me.

But when I got home, the enemy began to taunt me again. To chase me with the whys?, the future without him, the kids, all the holidays, the special days. etc...So I sat and read. I read the Psalms, then I read a devotional that was given to my by Sallye. Here is what it said,

I am leading you along the High road, but there are descents as well as ascents. You are longing to reach the peak, but you must not take shortcuts. Your assignment is to follow ME, allowing ME to direct your path. Let the heights beckon you onward, but stay close to Me.

Learn to trust Me when things go "wrong". Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all. Walk hand in hand with Me through this day. I have lovingly planned every inch of the way. Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep. Breathe deep draughts of My Presence, and hold tightly to My hand. TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT!

Habakuk 3:19 says: (Saundra Paraphrased) You my sovereign Lord are my strength. You will make my feet like the fee of a will enable me to go on to new heights.

I still have whys. I still have doubts about what a merciful God really is. I still have trouble seeing the reason behind it all. But...I have to believe, that after all these years of knowing MY GOD, that he hasn't left me. I may not feel him. I may not see him at work. But he is with me. And he is giving me tidbits of strength everyday. Until the day that WE MAKE IT!

Regarding the recipient of John's kidneys. While I am still reeling from all of it. Matthew put me in my place. Something had went wrong between us and I griped unnecessarily at him. I apologized to him and explained (tried to excuse my action away) to him about the letter that I had received and how disappointed I was with the outcome. He simply looked at me and said, "Well, at least someone has it". I said, "I wish no one had gotten it rather than him." In which Matthew looked at me and said, "That is selfish isn't it?"

At first I was very hurt that he didn't see it my way. But as the days went on I began to see it his way. John's way. God's way. Yes, John was never selfish. Never. He wanted this. He would not have cared who had received his kidneys. He would have been glad that someone had. God is proud of John.

I am going to write a letter to the recipient. I am going to tell him all about John. I am going to tell him about John's family. His life. His God. And like some of you have said...."Maybe he needs a savior". Maybe he will find it through John's gift. And...John's legacy lives on.

Thank you for all of your comments. I am hurting terribly today. The pain, tear, in my chest is almost overwhelming. It is overwhelming. Frankly, I would give up if it weren't for the kids. I am tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of feeling like I am doing it "all". Tired of being the "Bad" guy with the kids all the time. I don't like making decisions and there aer just too many.

Thanks for reading...each one of you. Thanks for you prayers. Thanks for ALL your gifts. Thank you to the unknown person that gave me the gift at my door that said..."A NEW BEGINNING". It is. I have to just find that beginning. I feel lost and in limbo right now. But it is all new.

Some of you hadn't heard from in a while. It was good to hear from you.

Frankie, it was great to hear from you. No, as you can see I am not alright. I will not be alright for a long time. They tell me that things will never be the same again. I am beginning to see that. And trying to figure it all out......would love to talk more with you.

Matthew will be trying to qualify for a tournament tomorrow (golf) at SNU. I don't even know how to begin to explain all that to you...but he needs to qualify. It would be awesome and a big encourager for him if he did. So pray that he plays well tomorrow. Pray that he qualifies!

Pray for each of the kids to hear God's voice in their hearts. That they will know and hear his voice and run to it.

Pray for Matthew. As the oldest I can see he is starting to trying to take on some of those responsibilities. What I want for him now is happiness for himself.....and a close relationship with our Lord.

Me...peace, peace, peace, understanding. Strength for each new task, day, event, problem etc that I face.

I have asked God to give me tangible evidence that he is with me. I want to see something....something that shows me he is with me...he is real.....and he is merciful.

Just pray....


Friday, January 15, 2010

Fri afternoon....the 15th of January

Today I found out more about the recipient of My Sweethearts kidneys. He is 55 year old man, no family.

WHY????? WHY????? God??????

In the letter he talked about the things he was going to get back to doing....avid fisherman. John was an avid golfer...he won't be able to ever get back to that!!!! WHY GOD????????

55 years old??????? No children........why God.

I cry in anguish. I cry in despair. If it weren't for the precious children that John gave me, or the fact that I wouldn't see John again, I would just end this. End the pain. End the questions.

It seems so unfair. Doesn't it seem unfair to you? That God would take a wonderful man with a 4 beautiful children, a sweet much more.....that a 55 year old, single man could live?????

I am so angry right now. I cried out to John to just be here!!! That I will wake up from a horrible, horrible dream...and he will hold me again.

I feel nothing from God right now. I am so confused. Good things are happening yes. But, coincidence? Good people? Just attitudes changes?

Where are you God? Where?


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Jan 13...Wed 2010

Oh....if each of your prayers would only come true I wouldn't feel as I feel now. I am so unhappy.

It was a very hard day. I ran into someone today that told me how hard it was to be a single mother. I was already heavy in heart. But that put me over the edge. Around 11 (my lunch time) I left and went to Jay and Marilyn's (since my house is being painted) no one was there, I let myself in and I cried. I cried...why Lord? I talked to John, told him how I missed him. How much I wanted him there with me.

I went back to work around 1 to finish my day at school. As I was leaving I got a call that set me back days, perhaps weeks, it was from the Lifeshare people. They are the ones that John donated all his organs to. Yes, I agreed, regretfully, but that is what he wanted.

Anyway, they have a letter from the kidney recipient that they want to send me. They had to get permission from me to send it to me. I accepted. She said there may be more that come in from heart, lung.....But anything they write or I write has to go through them. I held myself together to get out of the school, and Marilyn picked us up and took us first to our house to see the paint, then to her house.

She knew something was up. We have learned to read each other like a book. I told her of the the call and she too shed many tears and cried out. It sees so horrible to us.

I told my mom and Sallye, it just seems unfair that a stranger has a part of my loved one....and I have nothing. Nothing. It seems unfair.

I wait for the peace. I wait for the joy. I wait for His presence to overcome. I wait. I feel nothing but pain, hurt, despair. I am hurting friends.

I don't know what tomorrow holds for me tomorrow. I don't know if I want to know.

Matthew starts school. Everything is going well for him. He took Isaac to get a haircut today, then out to the golf course for a while. What a giant step for him. You could tell it made a difference to Isaac too.

Hannah is getting ready for her big night. Homecoming. I feel bad that I just can't get the happy out. It isn't that I'm not happy for her...I am! But, I can't feel it! It just isn't there.

We just need prayer in our home. I need prayer.

Pray that God surround our home, our hearts, our minds, and our souls with his angels. To protect us from the arrows of the enemy.

Continue to pray for the hearts of my children. I want our home to be a home filled with his spirit....where you will find the spirit of God in each of their hearts.

We are getting desperate for our little truck. Now that Matthew is in school.....3 of us going 3 different places....

I have a decision to make this Saturday. Pray for wisdom from above and for me to see it clearly.


Good Night
I love you all. I loved all of your comments and prayers....please don't stop.

Love you,

Jan 13....Wed...2010

I blogged late last night so if you haven't read that may want to read it first to get caught up on things.

I went to bed with a big tear in my chest....I awoke with a bigger tear in my chest. As I read the Psalm this morning David was crying out to God in despair, and yes he even mentioned grief. I could feel, I did feel what David was feeling....crying out, but not being heard. But David, (and I) both know that God was hearing. I just need to see it. I'm not seeing it.

I cry out this morning in anguish, despair and grief. I know He hears. His word says He hears. But I am feeling so alone this morning. I am in deep despair. I can't cry enough.

That is why, even though I said I would only blog in the evening, I am blogging this morning. I need prayer to make it through this day. I am going to try to go to work. It doesn't matter where I am....John is everywhere. I can't get away from his memories...our memories. So it doesn't matter.

Please pray for, noon, and noon and into the evening. I need Him to Sustain me.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jan 11, 2010 pm

Well I made it through another day. But I didn't fair as well as I did yesterday. I think I may have went into it just too fast or something.

Got up, had devotions....but had a tear in my chest all morning. Held the tears in because we were rushing around getting ready.

Got to school, was doing fine...the the tear was getting bigger....I could feel it. Then the memories started rushing in....things would happen that would bring him back to me. I wanted John there. I wanted to go to his room to say Hi. I wanted to see him in the workroom. I sat at my computer wondering who I could send a "love poem" to, or just a note to tell him I loved him. There was no one.

I went into the work room and just happened to look at the mailboxes....he wasn't there. I went to my room, and had to talk to someone who could feel what I was feeling. So I called Marilyn. She reminded me of our devotion that morning just trust. We talked for a while and got off the phone. I just sat....and remembered that He promised that He would sustain me. I just prayed and begged Him to Sustain me then.

It wasn't long and I did stop crying...with the help of Mrs. Benda and Mrs. Wetwiska. Two teachers at the school.

But, once I have those "tidal waves", I am emotionally and physically drained. My day was done. I couldn't focus. I couldn't even work. I hadn't really finished......I still had a big tear in my chest.

When I got home we were suppose to leave right away for Hannah's game. But Jay was still with the golf fault of his. But by the time he got back it would be too late to see Hannah play. So we weren't able to go.

I was so weary, I just told Marilyn that I was going to go into the living room (we were at her house) and sleep. I went in and wept. Wept because I should have been at that game. Wept because I was alone. Wept because I missed John so much. I wanted him to be there to fix things like he always did. I cried myself to sleep. I don't know how long I slept. But woke with a tear still in my chest.

We ate dinner there and had the pleasure of Nick and Kay (my bro and sister in law from Mounds OK to come and visit for a little while.

When they left, I stood and just wanted to cry. I have the biggest tear in my chest. I am so unhappy right now. Sad? Maybe that's what it is called. In despair. Yes. Discouraged. Yes. I know I've hear it "How can you be so sad? Look what is happening at your house? Look how God has answered prayers!!!" I will tell you how.....I have lost one of the most important person in the world to me. My other half..literally. My helper. My best friend. My husband. My life. I have lost it. It is gone forever.

We were in the store the other day and I was looking jewelry and Matthew came up behind me and we walked away together.. I know what I just realized? I will never have anyone that loved me like your daddy did give me another piece of jewelry. Never. Never. So sweetly, he said, "I will". But you, who are know what I know there is nothing better than receiving something from the one you are married to.

I don't know if I will go to work tomorrow. Today was so hard. I am just worn out. Maybe I should have started every other day. I don't know. Right now I don't know much. Just that I am in great pain. I miss John so much.

I know most of you won't get this till Wed. morning...but pray for me. Just pray.

Thanks to all of you who commented today....old and new friends.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Jan 11, 2010 pm

To work this blog into my schedule...because I am not going to give up devotions, I have decided that I will blog in the evening.

It was hard getting off to school. It was truly the hand of God that guided me by his hand. Little things tend to set me off into tears. I was really doing fine until I got to the corner of the school and that little building that sets on the corner of the church lot. They just put a new roof on it. I just looked at that roof and started crying. I sat in the car for a bit to get control. Prayed for strength and help. I made my way into the school....and took a big breath. Mr. Aaron Toler was in the teachers work room. I came in sniffling and more less crying. I know he didn't know what to do or say. I just stood there for a minute, blowing my nose and crying. Then, God gave me control.

The day was pretty good. Little things would bring tears to my eyes. Moments, places, people....its all there. But, Praise His Name I made it. I made it. It was hard putting a smile on my face for the kids. Sometimes I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring a smile. But I hoped and prayed that they understood.

My house is a disaster to say the least right now. Joe is going to town. I am looking forward to the change. He is such a sweet man. I can sense God in him.

Went to Isaac's game tonight. He did well. I was proud of him. It was so sweet of Sallye and Jeff to come and watch. They have their own family, yet they have taken so much time with us. I pray that in some very big way God will Bless them beyond their wildest imaginations!

JJ...Thanks for reading and sharing my blog. I appreciate your prayers.

Jeff. I would be honored, John would be honored for you to use him as an example. But make sure God receive the Glory. John was who and what he was because of the example of Jesus. He wanted to be like Jesus. He wanted to emulate Christ in all his actions and words. I believe he succeeded and is receiving his reward in Heaven.

Jadean, I never meant for you to do all that for me. I appreciate it though. Just let me know what I need to do. You are so sweet.

Lisa, It was good to hear from you. Apologize to your mom for me. She called one day and I saw her name on my caller i.d. But I was having a very bad day. I just couldn't bring myself to answer it. Please tell her how sorry I am. When I feel I can, I will call her. Make sure she knows I love her very much. I hope she understands. Thanks for reading my blog and staying informed for all of you up there. But mainly, thanks for your prayers and support.

Matthew said NSI was not as bad as he had expected. He knew some people there so that helped things out a bit. I am glad. He is sitting on the couch helping Rach with her homework right now. What a sight for me to see. He is being so patient and gentle with her. Just like John would have been. God answers prayers.....Matthew is proof!

Prayer requests;
That God would help me again tomorrow as things come and go...that I will turn each over to him.

That God would continue to work in Matthews life. Not just softening his heart, but beginning a work in him that will bring God glory.

That God would do a work in Rachel, Isaac and Hannahs life also. That he would begin to teach them his ways. That they will learn what it is to walk in his way...and desire that way.

Peace, wisdom, knowledge for everyday life.

Jay and Marilyn and Dawn and her extended family

Our little white truck.........

I love you all so much. Even the people I don't know. I love you. Thanks for reading, praying and commenting. I love you.

Jan 11, 2010

Yesterday went good. It was really hard walking that long way down the isle to my seat.....without John. He was always the last one.....I saved a seat, the kids saved a seat, because they knew that we always sat next to each other. I missed him sitting beside me. But, when we prayed, Sallye reached over and took my hand.....just as John would always do. It gave me someone to hold onto. I missed that in church...holding hands with someone during prayer.

But, it was good....being in OUR place. It felt good. I was home. I think the kids felt it too.

Marsha, Sallye and Teresa came over and helped me...well let me rephrase that....they would pick then I would say yes or no. They were such a help to me. I could not have done it on my own.

Joe comes today to begin working on the cracks, water damage places, the work begins. I have mixed feelings. I am leaving my old life and beginning a new one. Literally. But, I have to start fresh. It's sobering to me that what is happening now....the painting...that tree...literally everything that is being done.....was things that John and I were planning to do when he finished the roof.

In fact, Marsha mentioned a back splash in the kitchen. I smiled, and cried as I said, "Just the night before he fell, we went on a date and went to Borders (our favorite hang out) and because I knew we were going to redo the house I was looking at remodeling, painting...home magazines. And I looked at some back splashes and showed them to him and asked, "Do you think we could do something like this?" And he looked at it and said, "Sure, if that's what you like." I never thought it wouldn't be him doing it. I never thought it would happen when he passed. But, God has different plans for me and my house. It seems a surprise everyday...and usually something he and I had wanted to do. I just wish he could see....our dream is coming true.

Well, I am going to try to go to school. I get sick, throw up (tmi) when I think of it. People just don't understand the closeness we had. A look across the commons, a smile from across the room, an email that said, "I love you and thinking of you". Or meeting in the teachers workroom by added bonus. Where we might sneak a hug....or sweet look. Or just stand for a minute and chat.

Or when my sweet sweet Ali, hand to go to Mr Griffis' window, room, to say hi, or a quick wave....and I would get mine in there too. People don't understand....there is a big hole at BMS for me. Oh, how I loved those looks, smiles, hellos...etc emails, or we both discussed how we loved the surprise encounters...gave us a little boost to finish the day. Its all gone. Part of other half of me...won't be there. It is so hard.

But, I am going to try today. Try. That is all God asks of me.

SB...I hesitate to put my email address on here. I want to print this out...but I worry about that. I am sorry. Maybe we can work it some other way.

Grace....your stories made me smile. John loved your family. In fact, the Griffis's loved the Smiths. I don't think that ever ended. I love to hear your stories.

Eva, I do feel like I am making some progress. Yes, some days I take two steps back for the one I took forward yesterday. But, I have still gained one. God has been real to my. He speaks to me every morning and every evening through my devotions. During the day it through the people around me. And my Sunday School teacher is being used by God fulfill a long past change in my life. I know there will be bad days for a long time to come. But, I know that when they come I have God, and my support system all around me.

Planet Pink. I dearly wish I could remember you. You said such sweet things about John. I appreciate you giving him so much praise. He deserved it. He was a wonder daddy and husband. Always putting us first. Thanks for your comments.

Debbie, I have been thinking all weekend. I will put this into action and we will see what happens.

My prayer requests: I go to school today. Strength, peace, be my help. Help the memories to be easy to handle.

Matthew, he starts NSI today. He really hates these things. So give him patience. And help him to gain knowledge of the school....things he doesn't know.

Rach, Hannah, Isaac as they go to school. Give them wisdom for the work, tests they have to do. Be with them. God, let them feel your peace and presence in their life.

Matthew, Hannah, Isaac and Rachel...that they will begin to have a deep, deep desire to have a relationship with you. Give them a craving as you would for their favorite food. Give them that longing.

Our little white truck. That the ones working on it with have the knowledge they need to fix it.

Our home...that it will be a place of peace and rest for the kids.

Peace. I want peace today.

Jay and Marilyn. As they grieve. As Jay tries to stabilize his meds. Just wrap your arms around them. And I still feel terrible that she is feeding us because I can't fix, or sit at our table. Give her the strenght. That's where John got it. Others were always first to matter what he was feeling or going through. believe.....I will make kids will make it.....and we will all be alright.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Jan 10, 2010

Well, this morning seems okay. Yesterday was okay. We tried many dresses on through many friends offering of their daughters. But just couldn't get that ONE out of her mind. I am still praying that she will be shown one or see one that will make her look more becoming. Things can still change!

Well, I thought I was stronger....I guess not. I went to Crest by myself. I just didn't want to bother anyone...I really thought I could do it. But I was wrong.

He was the cereal guy. Some of you know that he could eat cereal morning, noon, and night. And my kids took after him. So, he knew what was in the cabinet, and in our bedroom stacked up because it was "such a good deal".

Just walking in alone was hard. Then I got to the cereal isle. And I just stood there. I didn't know what kind to buy. What did he buy for the kids? What did they like best? What did we have at home already?

Then, my mind went first. I couldn't focus. Luckily I didn't have much on my list, but I had to make several trips through the store forgetting this or that on my list. I think also that I just couldn't wait to get out of there. I was falling apart fast.

I got through the check out. Stupid me....mindless me...I gave the guy $50 for $70 dollars worth of groceries and started to walk away. He called me back and told me that I still owe him. Do you think I could figure it out? No. I just wanted out of OUR store. The guy helped. I know he thought, and the lady behind me , that I was crazy.

Then as I pushed the cart out, I told John how much I missed him. That he was suppose to push the cart, that I was suppose to hand him the bags so he could put them in the car "just right". That I was to push the cart to the cart corral, and he would come and pick me up. BUT HE WASN'T THERE TO DO IT!

I started crying, tried Marilyn, I just needed to pour my heart out. So, I got hold of Sallye and she talked to me as I drove home. She got me calmed down and to stop crying and laughing. Isn't she great?????

I've decided no to shop Crest again. We started going there because it saved us around $25-$50 dollars a week depending on the groceries. But, I know we are suppose to be good stewards of our money....but I think God would understand this. I can't go there again.

That kind of did me in for the evening. It just makes me so weary when I go through those times. We went and ate pizza at Jay and Marilyn's. Then came home, I did a few loads of laundry and then made my "mattress" and went to bed.

Today, is a new day. In my devotions it talked about longing for the great pearl. That pearl being eternal life from our Lord. That when we receive that pearl, it will change our whole being, It will alter our personality, our language ...everything. I am begging for that pearl. I want to be changed from the inside out. It was a good devotion.

I decided yesterday that we were going to sit in our usual spot today in church. Yea, Im scared. But everyone keeps saying there's a first for everything. I didn't know if Hannah would go...she goes to second service, I didn't know if Matthew would even go. But I knew I had my babies.

Sallye called, and by God's still small voice, that she has a direct line to, she asked me if I would want She and Jeff to sit with us!!!!! Then to go to S.S. with us! YES!!!! God does answer prayer. I never thought to ask anyone. But God knew how I hold Sallye and Jeff, dear as family. She would understand my fear, my tears....and she would be there no matter what. So, we will see how today goes! I will let you know!

Today, Marsha Adams and Sallye are coming over to pick paint out for all the rooms. That excites me. That is why John was roofing....he wanted to paint the inside of the house, so roofing himself would save money. I really never thought it would get done. It made his death seem even worse to me.

So, I am excited about that. I am still working up to going to small group. We were always regulars. Since our group lived mainly in our neighborhood...we would walk hand in hand to the group. Always sitting next to each other.......I just have a hard time with it. And to be honest...I feel guilt leaving my kids to have a nice relaxing time.

Debbie, once again, your prayer.....I can't say enough. You talk to God in a way I wish I could. Thank you for the prayer.

Jadean. Thank you for your faithfulness to the blog. And for the beautiful poem. And you asked who set up the blog for was John Whittaker and Ricky Lance. I belive Ricky's number is on the blog page somewhere.

Anonymous...If you feel so led....I want to surround my home with God..with Godly things....especially with things that I knew was John. I actually can hear him singing Amazing Grace now. Some people didn't know he could sing so beautifully. But oh, how he could sing. So, I would be blessed and pleased to have it.

Prayer request;
Church this morning, S.S. this morning

To work in eeach of the kids life to have a desire to have a personal relationship with Him.

Matthew, has NSI to day at SNU..and he is dreading it. Hedoesn't like the organzied games thing. Pray that he just accept it.

Our little whiite truck. We really need it.

Jay and Marilyn. They have been so faithful to me. Helping me...even though they grieve their son. She knows I can't cook yet, or even eat at our table. She has pretty much fed us everymeal. Bless them Lord.

That Matthew would continue to let God melt and mold his heart into his image.

Also, this sounds silly, but I need help around the house. Laundry, dishes, floor. garbage. I am not sure how to approach the kids with this. John and I just did it. But, I cant on my own. Ideas., prayers...I;ll take waht aI can. I am afraid to ask because I don'twant any turmoil, or any fighting.

Not, exactly a prayer request...but I would still like to print this all and comments. Someone said something about PDF. Do you know who you are talking to? I don't even know what that it? Seriously, though....I would like to do it if someone can help me.

Have a good Sunday...I pray you bring something home from church that will alter the way you live this week.