Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dec 16...

Sorry it has been too long.....for me also! Blogging really does me good. I am good now thanks to Mr Cox...the company I mean.

Yesterday I woke and was through. Matthew and I aren't getting along....Isaac....well Isaac. I paced for a while, wanting to scream, cry, yell....and then I text my Angel Sallye. I told her I was finished. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

She IMMEDIATELY text me back and told me that she was on her knees praying for me right then.

She called me about 30 minutes later and she told me to just let God carry me through the day. This day. That was all I had to worry about. Well, that is how I am going to live day at a time....but I don't believe God carries me anymore.

The day was busy. I was soooooo tired at the end. But Hannah had a bb game in Bridge Creek. Her first come back. We wouldn't miss it. Though she told us not to come....that she wouldn't play, that she forgot the plays, etc....But I told her I was coming. Boy am I glad I did. She started, and not only that....made a 3 pointer!!!! After her game I went over and told her how proud her daddy would be of her....what I was thinking also, she said, "But why can't he be here?"

I can't stand it. I can't. Everyone says he is only a God of good. How can any of this be good. I listened to song yesterday it said, to praise him in the storm! Praise him? How can I praise him when I hurt so deeply, when my kids are hurting so deeply, when the rug has been pulled out from under us in such an awful way. How? How?

I have asked these questions over and over...and I get no answer, or I get the same one "We will see down the road how this is good". I would never say this to my kids....but I don't see how. I really am through believing that.

If it weren't for the kids I would quit...give up. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to go on without my John, I don't want to be alone.......I don't want to do everything he did for me. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his lips on mine, I want to hear him laugh, I want to see him laugh. I want to ride bikes with him. I want to go to Panera Bread. I don't want to see things that remind me of him....because it just hurts more.

How could a God...a so called loving God do this.

Oh, I see times when good things happen...I think I have come to believe it is coincidence and good people. Because right now...the only God I one that has failed me and my kids miserably.

I am sorry if I upset some of you. But this is how I feel this morning. I can't have four precious children that John gave me.....and I promised John that I would always take care of them, and raise them as if he were by my side. But, I can't praise a God that leaves me like this. I can't. I just feel like I am living and breathing to take care of my kids, and make it through one more day. Thats and breathing...and taking care of the kids. I am just numb. I feel nothing...nothing but pain, and the tears roll.

Prayer requests? Really...I don't think its worth your time or mine.



Kristie said...

Saundra, I'm sorry your pain is so raw right now .... and I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through, or to have words of wisdom. I know there are others around who have experienced it, or things similar, who will hopefully give you some insight. For now, let me just reassure you that I'll continue to pray, even if we can't see or feel the results immediately. I've mentioned before my belief that God has pretty broad shoulders and can take the heat ..... in the meantime, continue to blog and to vent ... I'm pretty sure that part of it is good for you. :)

LeisaK said...

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Words cannot express the pain we feel for you all, obviously "nothing" in comparison to the pain of your family. WE ARE CONTINUOUSLY PRAYING!!

LOVE, The Hall Family

Eliza Kate Designs said...


I know I have never commented on your blog, but I read it everyday and pray for you often while crying myself. I cannot even begin to imagine the depth of your pain, but I would love to help carry you through with prayers.

I admire you for your genuine honesty about your feelings. I think that is the only path toward healing. Just know that God feels your hurt and wants you to be real too!

I am not one who believes God plans bad things with an ultimate good purpose in mind. I think because we live in a fallen world where evil exists, that bad things can happen.

I am not sure if you have heard this story before, but it is definitely something to think about.

Krystin Morris

This has a thought provoking message no matter how you believe. Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied yes, he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil."
The student became quiet before such an answer.

The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course", replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody and every object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have too little heat.

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does".

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. "These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love, that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

Alisa said...

I echo Kristie-
I am sorry.
You are continually in our prayers and our thoughts every day.

Miss Barnard said...

Saundra, I don't know you. I only happened upon your blog because of Kristie's blog. I have been praying for you since I learned of John's accident. Let me tell you that I totally understand your feelings.
I teach in a Lutheran School. A place where we are to accept God's plan. It's God's will people say. Well, that's all good in theory, until you lose someone you love.

This summer one of my students died very suddenly. No warning, no illness, no reason. The autopsy came back inconclusive and they closed the case saying he died without reason. They call it SADS-Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. How can a 13-almost 14 year old boy just die? He didn't miss one day of school all year. To say that I am angry with God would be a huge understatement. It takes everything I have right to come to school and stand in front of my class which is now incomplete.
On the day of the funeral someone told me there would be a huge hole in my classroom. I couldn't answer back, but I wanted to say there is a huge hole in my heart.
I will continue praying for you because that's all I know to do. There are so many people out there struggling through similar situations. Prayer is sometimes all we have.
Do know that we serve a loving God, a God whom we can be mad at, a God whom we can question. I may never know why God chose to take Evan, just like you don't know why he chose to take John-all we know is that we miss them terribly and no one and nothing will ever be able to take the hurt of losing them away.
Before Evan's death, we used Phil 4 a lot. Phil 4:13 was our team verse for both girls' and boys' basketball teams. I love this verse for many reasons. But, I have to keep reminding myself that with God, I can do this. I will continue praying for you and pray that you and your family will heal and find peace that only comes from God.
May God's blessings and love surround you, uphold you and give you peace.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, you've received some fabulous comments today. That's the beauty of something like this - you can share your feelings and people can share their hearts with you. Yes, I was crying while I read this but not because of disappointment in the way you feel but because of sadness and sorrow that you are going through this. Please keep sharing and being honest. As someone above said - those who matter don't mind. While most of us cannot understand the pain and sorrow you are going through, most of us probably have experienced something where we questioned God so don't feel bad about that. Whether you admit it or not God knows your heart anyway so you might as well share it and get it off your chest. Know what I mean? I wish I had some words of wisdom or something I could say that would ease the pain. Unfortunately I don't so I will just keep praying and keep being here for you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow! I love you!


Anonymous said...

Saundra, I, like so many others, cannot know, feel or understand what you are experiencing at this time. I do know what you are expressing in this blog is OKAY! Because as previously stated 'those who matter don't mind'. Please continue to express your feelings, I believe that helps. God understands when you're's part of grieving. I've never gone through what you are going through, but I can pray and I do pray for you and the kids every day. Just know you are loved being held up in prayer by so many who care.


david b mclaughlin said...

I deeply appreciate you being honest in your feelings. I doubt these song lyrics will help much if at all but I have thought of yuo everytime I have heard this song the last few weeks. I have thought about posting them here a few times but never have. It seems more appropriate today after reading your post. The song is called Breakdown:

I'd build a ladder to the moon
There I'd carve your name
If it would brighten up this room
But you know that anyway
I can't be the rock
Not today
Sometimes i wanna pop
Sometimes i wanna say

I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
You're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
I hope i can keep it in line

Sometimes i slow it down
To hear what I haven't heard
And when the darkness rolls around
I scream out the words
His picture's on my wall
He looks about my age
I wonder if he ever broke at all
I wonder if he ever had to say

I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
They're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
And I'm gonna keep it in line

It's gonna work itself out
It always does
At the last drop of doubt
Just like it never was

I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
They're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
And I'm gonna keep it in line
Just like every single time

All I can tell you is we care about you and the kids and we are praying for you.


Kelli said...


Even when you don't have a prayer left in you, when you don't know what to pray, don't know how to pray, or just don't want to pray....know that we are praying for you! My heart is heavy for you. Every time I see you, I want to just grab you and give you a big hug! I continue to pray for peace for you and the kids.

Kelli Bowie

Anonymous said...

When Moses could not hold up his hands during the battle, Aaron and Joshua held them up for him. Right now you have absolutely no strength. That is why you continue to be surrounded by people who have the strength for you. That is everyone else's job - to hold you up to God. I continue to do it. I know many, many others do the same. Your honesty is just fine. Keep it up.


live compassionately said...

I do not know you but my niece was in John's class so I know of your situation. I have been keeping up with your blog and I, like many others, deeply appreciate the honesty in this post. I have never experienced the hurt at the level you are feeling now and I don't understand at all what you must be going through. I'm praying for you and your family and I am specifically praying that you would feel strengthened and comforted as never before. I love what Becky said - we are lifting you to God.

Pat said...

I have been where you are, except my children were not young like yours are, which does make a difference.
I read your blog cry and pray for you as you say the things I went through too. It will get easier, just don't give up, I know it seems like the pain has been going on for so long. As I wrote one time before, you will be mad at God, you will be mad at John, and they both understand, you want to blame someone, it is just a part of greiving, you have lost a big part of your life. You have to give it time. This holiday season is just adding to the pain. There is a saying and it is this: When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there. I continue you and your family in pray. Keep venting, and all who love you will keep praying.

Kari Moroz said...

I admire your honesty. I can't feel what you are feeling, but I do know this is a lot of how I felt after my cancer diagnosis. I wondered how God could let me go through what I did...honestly I still wonder sometimes knowing how it has affected my Gracie girl and Chris. It was hard on all of us, but mainly Gracie. Your words don't offend me because if you didn't feel the way you do, I would think you were hiding something. You don't have to do anything for awhile. Let us carry you, friend. When you're able and ready to yell at God, do it-- He's a big God and he can handle it! When you're ready to cry to him, scream at him, question Him, yes, He is that big. He also knows that your anguished heart is not in any place to immediately turn and praise Him, He knows that. Let your friends and family and the support you have now carry you through this time. Once I realized during my cancer treatment that I wasn't even praying anymore--other people were, but I was too weak and too scared and too angry. There is NO SHAME in that. Letting the people of God intercede on your behalf is humbling and beautiful and what we are supposed to be doing! The more I pray for you the more I just love you and your family. Take care of yourself and thank you for the blog post.

eric said...

My heart aches for you. God has reminded me of Naomi in the story of Ruth when I pray for you. I think there must be something in that for you.

My family keeps you in our ongoing prayers

Anonymous said...

I didn't know why I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep last night, but I prayed for you and your family as well as Jay, Marilyn and Dawn. I heard a quote on a TV show yesterday and wrote it down to tell my mother, but after reading your blog, it seems kind of appropriate to repeat it now... "When we close our hearts off to our pain, it gets closed off to all things around us, even to the ones we love". Not necessarily very spiritual, but at the same time, our heavenly father knows pain and as a result feels our pain. Everyone grieves differently, so continue to use whatever venue allows you to release your emotions. I don't know you well, except through John. I would never begin to say I understand what you are going through, but I can understand why you are missing him so much. He was a wonderful man to his family, friends, church and community. I will continue to pray for you every time God brings you to mind.
It is okay for you to feel the pain, but I pray that it will ease up a little. Continue to be honest about your feelings and we will hold you up in prayer. Even when you can't feel him, "God will never leave you or forsake you."
I care. Grace Smith (Jim's sister)

Anonymous said...

Saundra being a former student of John's and by the way you talk about him I do not think that this is the way he would have wanted you to act. I think that you should read these verses.

Proverbs 14: 12-16 says; Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief. The faithless will be fully repaid for their ways, and the good rewarded for theirs. The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their ways. The wise fear the LORD and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure.

Lamentations 3: 32-33 says; Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring afflicition of grief to any human being.

I remember when you said that you could not let the enemy start invading your thoughts. Well I think that the enemy is starting to try to invade.
Remember 1 Peter 5: 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for ANYONE he can DEVOUR.

Saundra sometimes the path without God seems easier and less painfull. But in the end it can only lead to more pain and suffering than at the beginning. Do not let yourself become DEVOURED by the devil. Instead stand firm in GOD and he will, comfort, help, love, and guide you along your way. You and your family are in my prayers.

Ami Dillard said...

I sang these lyrics over and over to myself when Fred died. It was how I felt. I just needed God to hold me together. I am praying for you and praying that God will hold you together.

"I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now."

"Breath of heaven, hold me together.
Be forever near me, breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven, lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness, for you are holy.
Breath of heaven.