Sorry it has been too long.....for me also! Blogging really does me good. I am good now thanks to Mr Cox...the company I mean.
Yesterday I woke and was through. Matthew and I aren't getting along....Isaac....well Isaac. I paced for a while, wanting to scream, cry, yell....and then I text my Angel Sallye. I told her I was finished. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.
She IMMEDIATELY text me back and told me that she was on her knees praying for me right then.
She called me about 30 minutes later and she told me to just let God carry me through the day. This day. That was all I had to worry about. Well, that is how I am going to live now....one day at a time....but I don't believe God carries me anymore.
The day was busy. I was soooooo tired at the end. But Hannah had a bb game in Bridge Creek. Her first come back. We wouldn't miss it. Though she told us not to come....that she wouldn't play, that she forgot the plays, etc....But I told her I was coming. Boy am I glad I did. She started, and not only that....made a 3 pointer!!!! After her game I went over and told her how proud her daddy would be of her....what I was thinking also, she said, "But why can't he be here?"
I can't stand it. I can't. Everyone says he is only a God of good. How can any of this be good. I listened to song yesterday it said, to praise him in the storm! Praise him? How can I praise him when I hurt so deeply, when my kids are hurting so deeply, when the rug has been pulled out from under us in such an awful way. How? How?
I have asked these questions over and over...and I get no answer, or I get the same one "We will see down the road how this is good". I would never say this to my kids....but I don't see how. I really am through believing that.
If it weren't for the kids I would quit...give up. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to go on without my John, I don't want to be alone.......I don't want to do everything he did for me. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his lips on mine, I want to hear him laugh, I want to see him laugh. I want to ride bikes with him. I want to go to Panera Bread. I don't want to see things that remind me of him....because it just hurts more.
How could a God...a so called loving God do this.
Oh, I see times when good things happen...I think I have come to believe it is coincidence and good people. Because right now...the only God I see...is one that has failed me and my kids miserably.
I am sorry if I upset some of you. But this is how I feel this morning. I can't quit...living.....I have four precious children that John gave me.....and I promised John that I would always take care of them, and raise them as if he were by my side. But, I can't praise a God that leaves me like this. I can't. I just feel like I am living and breathing to take care of my kids, and make it through one more day. Thats all...living and breathing...and taking care of the kids. I am just numb. I feel nothing...nothing but pain, and the tears roll.
Prayer requests? Really...I don't think its worth your time or mine.