Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sat. Dec 26

I survived. That's about as much as you can call it. I felt like I was a fake to my kids. Laughing, smiling, etc....because I just couldn't feel anything but pain and hurt.

Jeff and my Angel/Sister Sallye made the evening better when they called to see if the kids wanted to go sledding. They didn't know...but it was an answer to prayer. Isaac had been calling people all day to go sledding with him. Of course, everyone was busy. But not THEM! They picked them up and took them...for a while.....cousins and all! What a God send they are. Isaac came home and couldn't stop talking about it!!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT JOHN WOULD HAVE DONE THAT VERY THING!!!!! Thank you Sally and Jeff for listening to that still small voice...you are soooooo faithful!!!!!

It was so, so, hard doing on Christmas Eve what John and I would usually do together. Putting out the Santa gifts, the stockings. Praise the Lord Matthew helped me to do that. I could not, could not have done that myself.

Christmas morning was hard. Usually I would make our tea, he set up the camera. Yesterday there was none of that. I felt so lost. While no one was up yet I called Marilyn and Jay. I just needed to talk to someone who felt as I was feeling. We didn't talk long, but it did help. Especially when Marilyn gave me the advice, "Get your cry out then go out and help the kids enjoy their Christmas.

Thanks to a ALL of you that have contributed to my children's Christmas. There were smiles from here to there. Shocked looks! I can't name them. Someday I will put some pictures I took on facebook so you can see what a difference you made in their Christmas. Thank you to each of you again, and again.

Finally, while the kids were busy with their new gifts I finally had my cry. I didn't really have a place to go with my company....but the (our) bedroom was open. I couldn't sit on the bed, but I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed. And I let it come, let it pour. Why? How? I hurt!!!!! Doesn't God know how much I hurt? Then, just carry me Jesus through this day. My mom came in, found me, and held me. But I wanted John.

After my cry the kids and I left to have Christmas with his family. It was so painful not to have him there to run our camera, to make jokes about Jason, Jonathon and Allison. He was always there for a laugh. I was even more sad when I realized that Isaac didn't have anyone to "share" his gift with. He would usually say, "Daddy, look!" There was none of that. But at the same time, I looked down and Jonathon was helping him put together a car that Hannah had gotten him. I was glad that Jonathon was there to do that.

After everyone left the "Christmas Room" I was just sitting there wishing. Marilyn came in with a gift,nicely wrapped. And said, "I wanted to wait for the right time for this." She handed me the gift and I opened it. Inside I found a beautiful silver cross. It was from Coach and Joy Brown. She had given one to Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and me. I want to tell you what it says.....it is beautiful....

Little I knew that morning,
God was going to call your name,
in life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lost you,
you did not go alone,
for part of me went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
your love is still our guide,
and though we cannot see you,
you are always by our side.
OUR FAMILY CHAIN IS BROKEN,
AND NOTHING SEEMS THE SAME,
BUT AS GOD CALLS US ONE BY ONE,
THE CHAIN WILL LINK AGAIN!

How true. Except Isaac, each of the kids read it. I don't know their thoughts, they didn't share. But i know each felt what I did. It is true....we will link again.

When all the Williams left for their Christmas, Jay, Marilyn and me and the kids, went back to my house where my sweet sisters and mom had prepared a Christmas dinner for us. We didn't want anything special.....we just knew we needed to have a dinner for the tradition. It was a wonderful dinner.

Then guess what....one of the kids called Jeff and Sallye and wanted to go sledding again! And guess what? They did! AGAIN....THAT IS JOHN!!! You see, it was kind of our thing...John would take the kids sledding....and I would take a bath. But he was a kid at heart and loved that stuff! I wouldn't be any fun sledding...I don't like to be cold. If I did go....the few times I did....I only went down a few times....It just isn't that fun for me.

But here comes Isaac again! In his words, "He dominated the snow!" What would I/He have down without Jeff and Sallye? I can't even think about it? I can't. It hurts to much. But, I feel like God is filling a void in Isaacs and Rach's little heart because they felt free to call and ASK Jeff and Sallye to take them. And once again....they were God's tools, his servants.

It is nice to have family here. Especially when I need a hug....there is one always waiting for me. It is fun to reminisce. Even when it hurts. I am so glad they are here. Nick and Kay couldn't make it. They live in Sapulpa and were snowed in understandably. But we missed them being here.

Matthew is doing better. Praise God. The first day he didn't come out at all. He stayed in his room and came out only when necessary. I think he even went to a friends house that evening. I didn't ask him to stay. I let him go.

Christmas day started out about the same. Except for opening gifts he stayed in his room. BUT, when we ate dinner he did come out to join us, then even sat out and talked with us for a while. A major step I thought. Then he went to movie (YES...in this weather) with Brock. I was glad Brock was able to go with him. I think he needed out of his cubicle with a friend. Thanks Brock.

We are going to take the tree down today. We usually leave it up till New Years...but I usually do it myself. The kids are usually off playing....John would sit and hold the Hallmark boxes...tell me which one to look for, I would take it to him and he would box it for me. I giggle when I say that because he would always complain (jokingly) about it.

Well, I just feel like I need some help. So while the family is here they will help me. And it may not hurt so much.

I don't know what else today holds. I don't really care. I just take one step at a time. Kristie....I'm swimming, I'm swimming!!!!! And I actually think I have it right....I'm going in the right direction!!!!! Thanks for that thought...as silly as it is....I get it.....and I love it.

Pray for:
Matthew; God is hearing our prayers. My dad used say when I asked him how come my prayers weren't being answered for this person or that person he would say, "Saunie, it isn't God, it's the person! God has to wait on the person. He never pushes anyone to do what they aren't ready or what they don't want to do". So, pray for him. Pray that his heart would soften to God's voice. So he can hear him.

Pray for me to deal with him according to how God wants me to deal with him. For patience, understanding and a loving heart.

Pray for Isaac, as he begins to see that he CAN have fun with those that love him.

Pray for Rach, as she processes this whole thing at such a young age. That she will feel free to ask questions and search out the heart questions.

Pray for Hannah. She is so quiet.....yes I know...out and about she is the loud one. But here, yesterday...she was very quiet. Reserved....thinking hard. Pray for her peace.

Pray for me to have peace, understanding, and a loving heart, and above all WISDOM. I think of Solomon when God asked him what he wanted...he asked for Wisdom. Now I know why. Without wisdom...you can truly do nothing.

Pray for Jeff and Sallye...I believe God has put a big responsibility on their shoulders. I know that have taken it willingly and lovingly. But it is big. Pray for them.

Pray for safe trips back for my family. All are leaving tomorrow except for my sister Chris. But with the road so bad they all need our prayers. Thankfully they are heading North and I hear the snows gets easier as you head that way.

Pray for this day. Pray for me.....that's all I can ask.

Thanks for all the poems. I love them all. I print them and read them to the kids. We cry together.

Thanks again for reading, commenting and praying. I need it all.

Love,
Saundra

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saundra:

I checked your blog a couple times yesterday. As I lived my first Christmas without Jim, I prayed for your family also. I continue to especially pray for Matthew. God has been faithful to surround you with the love and support of family and friends.

When it says in the 23rd Psalms, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." it means just that - a walk. We want to run through it but we have to walk. Sometimes it seems so unbearable. Those are the times the cries from the depths of the soul happen, like your heart will burst and you will not survive. God is there to help you, to lay you in green pastures, to lead beside still waters. He will restore your soul - one day (one moment) at a time.

I continue to pray,

Becky

Anonymous said...

I am praying God's wisdom for you. This is something He promises to give, so I know He will give it to you. James 1:5-8 says:
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Go with wisdom about today.

I am also praying for Matthew, I really think he is working through stuff in his own way and on his own timetable, do you best to let him be just Matthew.

Many prayers for your family

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

So many times I thought of you and your family yesterday. I just kept saying small prayers or calling your names in my head, knowing that that were changed as needed as they approached heaven.

As I read your blog today, it occurred to me that there is healing for me (us) in your blog. I cry for you and the kids, but as I cry I can heal the hurt I have as well. We do miss John so much.

I thought of the sledding yesterday as well. We would go and the kids and James would usually see John and the kids. Mason would come back home with stories to tell...usually of Isaac and John. I am like you, don't do the cold, so I totally get that!

God is so faithful in his sending Jeff and Sallye. No doubt, two of the finest folks I know. God is using them and they will continue to be in my prayers. The angels God sends you are sent, I think, with John's suggestion..hahaha..John was so wise and always knew the perfect thing to say/do. He is definitely sitting in heaven watching with God.

Well, thanks again for the blog. As I said, it helps keep me close to you...you are so special to us and we love you.

Just want to plant the seed of thought...New year's eve is coming up and James will not be with us...if you are up to it, I would love to go to dinner together. No fan fare..hard to do alone...but just think about it.

Praying constantly,
Phylis

Anonymous said...

Saun,
As I read your blog today, I am thankful for all the "good" things that are happening for you and the kids. It does take time, but you will smile again without feeling quilty. God is healing! Trust in Him always! I continue to rejoice everyday with you when you have a "good" moment! Love you and Miss you very much! Love and Hugs,

cousin Lisa

Kristie said...

I am glad for you, that it's over. That first, hard holiday that we all hear so much about. I am glad that some things went well. I am glad you were able to make some new memories. I am glad you were able to share it with family, and God-sent friends. Know that we continue to pray ...

Grace Smith said...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Saundra,
I know Christmas was difficult, but you made it through. I'm so glad that your family made it safely be be here with you. I have been praying that God would send someone for each of your children. Someone you can trust, but with whom they feel they can be themselves with and talk out thier feelings. It sounds like that is beginning to happen. God's timing is so different from ours, but remember he has your family in the palm of his hand and he has a plan for all of you.

God Bless,
Grace

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm glad you made it through Christmas and that some things went well. This was probably one of the hardest things to do immediately after losing John and you made it! I pray that God will help make it easier and easier now - that He will give you peace and comfort to keep moving forward.

I'm so glad your family got to be there with you!

Love you,
Donetta

Cindi said...

Hello, Saundra. I was finally able to catch up on your blog today. You have had quite an emotional journey this past week, but God has sustained you. He will always sustain you. He will always hold you close, because He loves you so much! And He loves your children. He will sustain each of them and lead them down this difficult path with his all-powerful hand. I love you and hurt for you and am praying for you constantly. I am here for you if you need a listening ear. Love, Cindi

jen said...

God bless Jeff and Sallye. Never stop telling us what people are doing for you. It really does inspire!

jen said...

also saundra - robert, my husband - he never reads blogs. but, he reads yours, and he read those posts about john writing you poems. so, robert has written me two poems, now. john's life continues to impact people he never even really knew. your blog is blessing. keep writing.