Sat. Dec 26

I survived. That's about as much as you can call it. I felt like I was a fake to my kids. Laughing, smiling, etc....because I just couldn't feel anything but pain and hurt.

Jeff and my Angel/Sister Sallye made the evening better when they called to see if the kids wanted to go sledding. They didn't know...but it was an answer to prayer. Isaac had been calling people all day to go sledding with him. Of course, everyone was busy. But not THEM! They picked them up and took them...for a while.....cousins and all! What a God send they are. Isaac came home and couldn't stop talking about it!!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT JOHN WOULD HAVE DONE THAT VERY THING!!!!! Thank you Sally and Jeff for listening to that still small voice...you are soooooo faithful!!!!!

It was so, so, hard doing on Christmas Eve what John and I would usually do together. Putting out the Santa gifts, the stockings. Praise the Lord Matthew helped me to do that. I could not, could not have done that myself.

Christmas morning was hard. Usually I would make our tea, he set up the camera. Yesterday there was none of that. I felt so lost. While no one was up yet I called Marilyn and Jay. I just needed to talk to someone who felt as I was feeling. We didn't talk long, but it did help. Especially when Marilyn gave me the advice, "Get your cry out then go out and help the kids enjoy their Christmas.

Thanks to a ALL of you that have contributed to my children's Christmas. There were smiles from here to there. Shocked looks! I can't name them. Someday I will put some pictures I took on facebook so you can see what a difference you made in their Christmas. Thank you to each of you again, and again.

Finally, while the kids were busy with their new gifts I finally had my cry. I didn't really have a place to go with my company....but the (our) bedroom was open. I couldn't sit on the bed, but I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed. And I let it come, let it pour. Why? How? I hurt!!!!! Doesn't God know how much I hurt? Then, just carry me Jesus through this day. My mom came in, found me, and held me. But I wanted John.

After my cry the kids and I left to have Christmas with his family. It was so painful not to have him there to run our camera, to make jokes about Jason, Jonathon and Allison. He was always there for a laugh. I was even more sad when I realized that Isaac didn't have anyone to "share" his gift with. He would usually say, "Daddy, look!" There was none of that. But at the same time, I looked down and Jonathon was helping him put together a car that Hannah had gotten him. I was glad that Jonathon was there to do that.

After everyone left the "Christmas Room" I was just sitting there wishing. Marilyn came in with a gift,nicely wrapped. And said, "I wanted to wait for the right time for this." She handed me the gift and I opened it. Inside I found a beautiful silver cross. It was from Coach and Joy Brown. She had given one to Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and me. I want to tell you what it says.....it is beautiful....

Little I knew that morning,
God was going to call your name,
in life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lost you,
you did not go alone,
for part of me went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
your love is still our guide,
and though we cannot see you,
you are always by our side.
OUR FAMILY CHAIN IS BROKEN,
AND NOTHING SEEMS THE SAME,
BUT AS GOD CALLS US ONE BY ONE,
THE CHAIN WILL LINK AGAIN!

How true. Except Isaac, each of the kids read it. I don't know their thoughts, they didn't share. But i know each felt what I did. It is true....we will link again.

When all the Williams left for their Christmas, Jay, Marilyn and me and the kids, went back to my house where my sweet sisters and mom had prepared a Christmas dinner for us. We didn't want anything special.....we just knew we needed to have a dinner for the tradition. It was a wonderful dinner.

Then guess what....one of the kids called Jeff and Sallye and wanted to go sledding again! And guess what? They did! AGAIN....THAT IS JOHN!!! You see, it was kind of our thing...John would take the kids sledding....and I would take a bath. But he was a kid at heart and loved that stuff! I wouldn't be any fun sledding...I don't like to be cold. If I did go....the few times I did....I only went down a few times....It just isn't that fun for me.

But here comes Isaac again! In his words, "He dominated the snow!" What would I/He have down without Jeff and Sallye? I can't even think about it? I can't. It hurts to much. But, I feel like God is filling a void in Isaacs and Rach's little heart because they felt free to call and ASK Jeff and Sallye to take them. And once again....they were God's tools, his servants.

It is nice to have family here. Especially when I need a hug....there is one always waiting for me. It is fun to reminisce. Even when it hurts. I am so glad they are here. Nick and Kay couldn't make it. They live in Sapulpa and were snowed in understandably. But we missed them being here.

Matthew is doing better. Praise God. The first day he didn't come out at all. He stayed in his room and came out only when necessary. I think he even went to a friends house that evening. I didn't ask him to stay. I let him go.

Christmas day started out about the same. Except for opening gifts he stayed in his room. BUT, when we ate dinner he did come out to join us, then even sat out and talked with us for a while. A major step I thought. Then he went to movie (YES...in this weather) with Brock. I was glad Brock was able to go with him. I think he needed out of his cubicle with a friend. Thanks Brock.

We are going to take the tree down today. We usually leave it up till New Years...but I usually do it myself. The kids are usually off playing....John would sit and hold the Hallmark boxes...tell me which one to look for, I would take it to him and he would box it for me. I giggle when I say that because he would always complain (jokingly) about it.

Well, I just feel like I need some help. So while the family is here they will help me. And it may not hurt so much.

I don't know what else today holds. I don't really care. I just take one step at a time. Kristie....I'm swimming, I'm swimming!!!!! And I actually think I have it right....I'm going in the right direction!!!!! Thanks for that thought...as silly as it is....I get it.....and I love it.

Pray for:
Matthew; God is hearing our prayers. My dad used say when I asked him how come my prayers weren't being answered for this person or that person he would say, "Saunie, it isn't God, it's the person! God has to wait on the person. He never pushes anyone to do what they aren't ready or what they don't want to do". So, pray for him. Pray that his heart would soften to God's voice. So he can hear him.

Pray for me to deal with him according to how God wants me to deal with him. For patience, understanding and a loving heart.

Pray for Isaac, as he begins to see that he CAN have fun with those that love him.

Pray for Rach, as she processes this whole thing at such a young age. That she will feel free to ask questions and search out the heart questions.

Pray for Hannah. She is so quiet.....yes I know...out and about she is the loud one. But here, yesterday...she was very quiet. Reserved....thinking hard. Pray for her peace.

Pray for me to have peace, understanding, and a loving heart, and above all WISDOM. I think of Solomon when God asked him what he wanted...he asked for Wisdom. Now I know why. Without wisdom...you can truly do nothing.

Pray for Jeff and Sallye...I believe God has put a big responsibility on their shoulders. I know that have taken it willingly and lovingly. But it is big. Pray for them.

Pray for safe trips back for my family. All are leaving tomorrow except for my sister Chris. But with the road so bad they all need our prayers. Thankfully they are heading North and I hear the snows gets easier as you head that way.

Pray for this day. Pray for me.....that's all I can ask.

Thanks for all the poems. I love them all. I print them and read them to the kids. We cry together.

Thanks again for reading, commenting and praying. I need it all.

Love,
Saundra