Sat. Dec 5

Well the kids went to school yesterday. It was hard for them. They just aren't ready to look the other kids in the eye. I don't understand it, I just accept it. It is hard for me at times also. But, the good thing is that Isaac has finally agreed to try. At first he didn't want to even go, then my sweet friend and colleague worked it so he wouldn't have to see kids and he has agreed. I am so thankful for that. They are finally getting caught up on their work.

Hannah was so fretting about her Trig class. Ms. Tackett has helped her very much and I think she is getting on top of things.

Matthew still continues to stay in his room. I want so much to go in there ....but he is like his dad. He doesn't talk. All I can do is know I am there and love him.

Rachel is doing okay. She still has moments of breakdown. Memories haunt her. I told her not to let the enemy put those thoughts in her mind, but instead think of the good memories we have with him.

We got our tree up last night. We did finally have a few laughs. When it was first up Matthew stood back and said, "It looks like the leaning tower of Pisa". We laughed, called gramps and he came over to help us straighten it up. Then it seemed that every strand of lights we plugged in would pop and go out. So, once again gramps was called and came to the rescue. During this time Hannah came to me crying and said, "Daddy always did it right". I had to laugh and told her and the others, "You know, I have a suspicion that Daddy is up there laughing at us right now!" It was the first laugh we have had.

A friend of mind gave me a short book about getting though the Holidays after losing someone close to the Holidays. The kids and I read the first page last night along with our devotions, prayed then had a long talk. I did most of the talking, but they listened well, and we all cried a lot.

I wanted them to know that it was okay to cry....that I was going to cry and it was alright. In that one song it says "he holds each tear in his hand". So, I told the kids that tells me that it is okay to cry. We all cried for a while.

My heart still hurts of course...but I sense a healing. I know there will be up and downs, but as he has carried me this far....he will carry me further. It just hurts so much.

I still hate Christmas. Hate it. I can't even think of shopping for the kids...that was a joy that John and I did together. Christmas morning....won't go there. Wrapping...won't go there. It is too much! As I woke this morning I turned the lights on the tree first thing. That was what John did. Even before the kids and I were up he would have the lights on. He loved just looking at the tree. We would sit together and just look at the tree. No one sat with me this morning. No one ever will again.


My prayer requests;
Peace, Happiness and Joy
Wisdom in dealing with the kids and school
Wisdom in dealing with the kids and Christmas
Matthew....his feelings, his quietness
Just that God would send help even before I know I need it (for anything...tears, holding,words, etc...)

Also....there are so many things that you comment on that I would love to copy and put on my fridge, mirror, etc...I don't know how to do that. If you can help me to do that I would appreciate it.

Also, my dad and I got a wireless printer because I would send anything that needed printing to John's computer to his school printer. Well, can't do that. Anyway....I can't get it to to wireless. I am using the cable. If you know how to do that...please let me know.

Thanks again for your prayers, comments, concerns. I covet them. I look forward to them. I could not be where I am with out them. Please keep them coming.

Love,
Saundra