Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sat. Dec 5

Well the kids went to school yesterday. It was hard for them. They just aren't ready to look the other kids in the eye. I don't understand it, I just accept it. It is hard for me at times also. But, the good thing is that Isaac has finally agreed to try. At first he didn't want to even go, then my sweet friend and colleague worked it so he wouldn't have to see kids and he has agreed. I am so thankful for that. They are finally getting caught up on their work.

Hannah was so fretting about her Trig class. Ms. Tackett has helped her very much and I think she is getting on top of things.

Matthew still continues to stay in his room. I want so much to go in there ....but he is like his dad. He doesn't talk. All I can do is know I am there and love him.

Rachel is doing okay. She still has moments of breakdown. Memories haunt her. I told her not to let the enemy put those thoughts in her mind, but instead think of the good memories we have with him.

We got our tree up last night. We did finally have a few laughs. When it was first up Matthew stood back and said, "It looks like the leaning tower of Pisa". We laughed, called gramps and he came over to help us straighten it up. Then it seemed that every strand of lights we plugged in would pop and go out. So, once again gramps was called and came to the rescue. During this time Hannah came to me crying and said, "Daddy always did it right". I had to laugh and told her and the others, "You know, I have a suspicion that Daddy is up there laughing at us right now!" It was the first laugh we have had.

A friend of mind gave me a short book about getting though the Holidays after losing someone close to the Holidays. The kids and I read the first page last night along with our devotions, prayed then had a long talk. I did most of the talking, but they listened well, and we all cried a lot.

I wanted them to know that it was okay to cry....that I was going to cry and it was alright. In that one song it says "he holds each tear in his hand". So, I told the kids that tells me that it is okay to cry. We all cried for a while.

My heart still hurts of course...but I sense a healing. I know there will be up and downs, but as he has carried me this far....he will carry me further. It just hurts so much.

I still hate Christmas. Hate it. I can't even think of shopping for the kids...that was a joy that John and I did together. Christmas morning....won't go there. Wrapping...won't go there. It is too much! As I woke this morning I turned the lights on the tree first thing. That was what John did. Even before the kids and I were up he would have the lights on. He loved just looking at the tree. We would sit together and just look at the tree. No one sat with me this morning. No one ever will again.


My prayer requests;
Peace, Happiness and Joy
Wisdom in dealing with the kids and school
Wisdom in dealing with the kids and Christmas
Matthew....his feelings, his quietness
Just that God would send help even before I know I need it (for anything...tears, holding,words, etc...)

Also....there are so many things that you comment on that I would love to copy and put on my fridge, mirror, etc...I don't know how to do that. If you can help me to do that I would appreciate it.

Also, my dad and I got a wireless printer because I would send anything that needed printing to John's computer to his school printer. Well, can't do that. Anyway....I can't get it to to wireless. I am using the cable. If you know how to do that...please let me know.

Thanks again for your prayers, comments, concerns. I covet them. I look forward to them. I could not be where I am with out them. Please keep them coming.

Love,
Saundra

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I am not one of those people who seem to have the right words, or the right song, or right verse. I seem at such a loss for words or thoughts to help you through. I just feel your pain. I go to sleep praying for you, and and I wake up praying for you, hoping you make it through one more day, and find a smile in it along the way.

Just know I am here for you in any way I can help you, that I love you and your family. My prayers will continue for you.
Tammy

Debbie Bynum said...

Saundra and kids - I found this in some of my reading. I hope you find it helpful and encouraging.

"When we give our loss to the Lord and ask Him to remove the sorrow and grief from our hearts, he will get us past the heart break. We can keep the good memories of a lost loved one, but we must not allow the enemy to torment us with the grief of our loss. God will replace the emptiness we feel from the loss when we ask Him to do this.

Proverbs 15:14 tells us that if we have God's understanding, we can ask Him for the knowledge to overcome every trial and problem we face. God is bigger than our grief, sorrow, pain and every problem that any of us could face.

Father God, Thank You for always being there for me no matter what I face. I know You will never fail me, even in my most intense trials. I have not always understood why I was going through certain things; however, I do not have to understand, because You are God and You are in control, in spite of my lack of understanding. I know that all You require of me is to trust You, and look to You in faith and You will come and save me, and bring me an answer. You always have, and You always will, because you are faithful. You never fail any of us who look to You. I have failed You, Lord, by my doubt and unbelief at times, but You have never failed me. Lord, please remove all the sorrow and grief I feel. Heal this pain I feel in my heart and help me to trust You more. Fill this empty place in my heart with more of Your Spirit. I ask this in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen"

Standing in the gap for you,
Joe & Debbie

Kristie said...

Saundra, thinking of you today and glad to hear how you are all doing, and what I can pray for specifically. I'm sorry to hear the kids aren't wanting to return to school. I hope if there is anything any of my own children can do to ease the transition, and help them feel comfortable, and to find comfort with their friends, that you'll let me know so I can make sure they do it. I can only imagine how losing their father might be compounded when every one of their friends knew him as a teacher, father, and friend as well. Please let the kids know we are praying specifically for them.

Valarie said...

Saudra,
I continue to pray for you and your family. I don't ever have the
"right" words, but who does. I don't like Christmas...but not for the reasons as you. It was always my grandmother's holiday. I miss her. Terribly so. My heart cries out for your kids. I am a mother, and for that I can hurt for you and pray for you in this time. I can empathize greatly and feel your pain. As an intercessor, I can cry to our Jesus and ask Him to shelter you and provide that peace for your family. The peace that only Jehovah-Shalom can give. He is the only one that can provide a pefect tranquility in our lives if we allow Him to. I ask that for you, for your children. For this difficult time during the holidays.

As to your printer delemma. I am a geek of sorts. I can help with that. I would love to get you up and running if nobody has already offered to help you get that working. Debbie Bynum knows how to get in touch with me if you would like to use her as a contact. She knows me well. :)

I'm on my knees for you and your children...many others as well. The body cries out for you. Our Savior knows......Praise Him even more.....

Anonymous said...

Did you get your printer working? If not give me a call as I just got a new printer also and set it up myself.

We are praying for you and glad to read your blog today.

The Lovell's

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

You are already starting to see that some of the things you are dreading, with God's help, are going to be managed.

Hope you don't mind me sharing one of my Christmases. (I think it was my third on alone.) I was dreading it because my parents were going to Brazil to be with my sister for Christmas. It was just going to be the girls and me in our apartment. As it turned out, we had a very simple quiet Christmas but it was actually very enjoyable. We decorated Christmas cookies and I fixed some little cornish hens for our dinner. I never felt lonely that entire day but rather just enjoyed being with the girls. God is so faithful.

Paula Anderson

Anonymous said...

Saundra,
I had no idea you'd continued blogging until I checked the updates on my reader last night. You are so courageous to share this journey with all of us.

I began blogging anonymously (we didn't call it that then) in 1999 during the most difficult days of my life. It helped me so much. I finally went public with my blog in 2007. It grows organically and evolves over time.

You are so brave and we are so privileged to read your words. I know you will touch many lives as this journal serves as both lamplight and lamentation. Your generosity amazes me. So, keep on writing, even on the bad days. In my experience it has been the Truth that ushers in the miracle. One awaits you, Saundra, and of course, the Truth - it is Christ.

Karen Allen said...

Sometimes all we can do is BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD.

God is Faithful...
God is Able to Meet Our Needs..

There are no "little things" with God..
Keep sharing the "little concerns" with God...
He really does Care.

You are in my thoughts and prayers throughout the week....You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Saundra,

It was so good to see you, Isaac, and Rachel yesterday at school. I have missed you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the kids. I have especially been praying for Matthew for God to give him a peace that goes beyond anything we could ever imagine. I sincerely believe that our heavenly Father is holding your family close during this time.

Kay Acosta

Cindi said...

Saundra,
It was so good to see you at school Friday! Hopefully, we can talk more next time you come. I have been praying for you and your children that God's peace would be yours. I know you miss John terribly, as we all do. We miss his smile, his jokes, his laugh, and his caring attitude. I loved getting to know you last year when I worked in John's classroom, and you would come visit. And this year, you have been such a help to my son. We still need you, Saundra! You still have an important place in our hearts....please know that. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this blog. It really helps us to know how to pray.

I'm glad to know you got a tree. Don't force yourself to do something you're not ready for, even if it's a tradition. It's okay to let something go for now. You will find new traditions that honor John's memory and incorporate those into your holidays. We planted a tree in honor of my mom, and we tie ribbons on it every year for her birthday. You will create your own special way to remember John.

Please know that we love you and support you and lift you up in prayer every day.

On a practical note...if you want to copy and print things from the blog, here's how you do it. Highlight what you want to copy with the mouse. Right click and copy. Then open a new word document; right click and paste onto the blank page. The words will be white, so you will need to highlight them and change them to black. Call me if this doesn't work, and I will come over and help you figure it out. I want to help in any way I can.

Love you!
Cindi Tennison