Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dec11, Sat

Just when you think things couldn't be worse.....of course they do...I am sure by now you have heard about Jay. Thank God, Thank God, he saw fit to keep him here for us longer. How selfish is that?

Isaac was there (again) when this happened to Jay. As Isaac hugged me, he asked me why he was always there when bad things happened? Please pray for him. He is hurting so bad. He kept asking all day Grandpa alive. He had to go see him one more time before we left the hospital to go back to school, He said later...I just wanted to make sure he was alive. I know he knows we kept some things from him with John....I know he is wondering why he is going through this....The poor little guy has seen so much of this lately...I don't know what to do for him.

All the kids are mostly caught up on school...Praise God. Now we need to pray....I mean really pray...for their semester tests next week. I am already starting to me pray that God give them wisdom.

I want to thank the Day family that has volunteered to take the tree down for us. YOU are a God send. I was so worried about Matthew and Mark getting up there. When Matthew told me that you had come by and looked at it and said you would take care of it....I was so grateful and relieved. And you know....I sensed that even Matthew saw it as an answer to prayer. Thank you for allowing God to use you.

I had the opportunity to see the middle school get their "G" shirt picture taken yesterday. I stood and cried as I was amazed at the kids, teachers, everyone that cared enough to wear a shirt that honored John. Thank you kids, and everyone to care that much. God Bless You.

I was so unsure of going to the H.S. game last night. But Dawn and I made a pact of some sort that "if you go, I'll go". We knew we couldn't stay would be too much. But we did it. Again, we were amazed at the ones that love John.

When Sallye asked me if there was anything I wanted said, I knew right away what it would be. To honor John and to honor God...whom John emulated in all his actions. As I sat at the computer to write those words....I didn't have to think at all, my fingers just moved. I believe it was what was to be said for that moment. I want God to be glorified in this tragedy. I want John to be remembered as "a man who lived life as God intended it to be lived." I want people to go out and live, and reach out, and long to touch a life and make a difference as John did. I don't know if that is what was understood, but I believe each will hear what God wanted them to hear last night.

Last night was a little hard on me. Hannah had a birthday party to go to....stay all night....and Isaac stayed with Brady. I would never keep them from doing the things they want to do, but I was so afraid of staying there...just me and Rach....(Matthew would be with Friends until later). I thought about going to stay with Marilyn, but I kept remembering the words of my friends..."There are always going to be firsts". So I cheated a little and asked Rach which she would rather do. And bless her heart she said, "Well, I would like to go to grams, but I don't want Matthew here alone."

So, with a very heavy, lonely, scared, heart I made our "bed" on the floor, turned the t.v. on and fell into a fitful sleep. I dreamed of John all night. Weird dreams.

Then as I woke my mind was going wild so here I am. Mark came a little bit ago, bringing donuts....and a much needed shoulder. You see, John and I would get up every Sat morning, go to Panera, make a grocery list, then head to Crest, and Sam's and Walmart if needed. It was our morning. We very rarely, )unless it involved one of the kids) let anything interfere. I missed that so much this morning. I guess its one of those past Sat mornings have been too busy....or otherwise. But this morning I was fully aware of where I should be....with my sweet husband, sharing a bagel and coffee, laughing and loving one another like nothing else mattered in this world. I don't know when I can go back there. That was where I was where he fell. He was trying to get the roof done that Sat. so I went with my friend Sandy instead. What a mistake. What a horrible memory.

Today, is going to be my first. I have to get groceries. Another first. I am going to call Sandy to see if she will go with me. I can't go alone. She knows me well...I think I can do it that way. But I don't want to.

I told the kids I was going to do that today (yesterday) and I told them not to expect big meals like I used to make. That will be a while. But I would try to cook some for them. With Isaacs bb games it keeps us away most dinner times. We are usually gone at that time. But I will buy some canned soup....frozen pizzas, something I can heat up quickly before we leave for the games.

But how I hate to walk in that store....without him. I want him there....holding my hand...laughing with me...he was the math we always would find the bargain....HE would always find the bargain. Please God be with me.

Today was usually the day after breakfast and groceries that we would come and veg out. I don't know what to do today!!!! I would go to Jay and Marilyns but I think they have enough to deal with.

My prayer requests would be:
That God would continue to be with and touch Jay. That God would be with the Heart Doctor to help him get his meds corrected. Help him to gain his strength.

That God would speak to Isaac to let him know that nothing that has happened is his fault in anyway. You know an idea just came to me...Isaac wouldn't understand...but what if God is preparing Isaac for know....a work God has for him.....Maybe. Just pray that God would continue to work in his little heart and mind.

Semester tests for all the kids. Give them wisdom to understand the questions put before them and that God would bring things back to their memory.

That grocery shopping will be okay....that I won't miss John so much, that I will be able to focus on what I need to do and get.

That I won't be so lonely.

BTW...Wendylle,(forgive me if I spell your name wrong) thank you for the song. It was beautiful. I am sure you have listened to it often. Thank you for sharing.

Debbie..thanks for reminding me of the promise God made to our WHOLE family a long time ago. you all Thank You for your love and support....we love you.



Sister Chris said...

Hello, Saundra, Matthew Issac, Hannah and Rachel. You are constantly on my mind. Praying without ceasing! Always wanting to hold you tight in my arms and cry with you.

2 Chronicles 12:b "For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us (fear, loneliness, anger, pain, dispare, confusion..); now do we know what to do, but our eyes are on Thee!

Kristie said...

Saundra, bearing in mind I have never been in your position, I'm not sure which would be more difficult ... the "big" firsts, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, or the "little" firsts, like you mentioned ... grocery shopping and lazy Saturdays. I'm so sorry for your hurt, and for the kids' hurt. I missed you at the game last night ... I think we had left before you got there. I was amazed at the number of black "G" shirts ... what a wonderful testimoney to a wonderful man. Much love and prayers with you today ....

Anonymous said...

Hi Saundra!
We have never met but my son Nathan was in your husbands class this year. He was really a fantastic teacher.
I have been reading your blog and praying for you and your children everyday.
Reading your blog today, I was thinking about your thoughts with making dinner. Do you have a crockpot? You can make homecooked meals that are easy to put together in the morning, and ready in the evening before the basketball games. If you don't have one, I would be more than happy to bring you one with some recipes.
Please know that you are always in our family's prayers.
Sarah Hardesty

Anonymous said...


Here is a song that God gave to me and I feel so strongly that I should share it with you today. Just copy the address in to your web browser. Don't give up. Joy comes in the morning! With all my heart - your sister, Debbie

livy said...

Griffis Family,
Sarah was wondering if Rachel would care to do something with her, whenever she was ready. She thinks of your family often, and prays as we all do.
Love and support,
Rachel, if you ever want to talk you can always call.
Sarah Ward

Jeanne said...

I think you are doing a great job each day!! I've been reading your blog and you are doing alot of right things with the kids! Hang in there... I know the Lord and everyone's prayers will hold you up!! Don't forget.. You are awesome!!
I too am praying for you all the time throughout the day!!
Your preschool buddy!! Jeanne

livy said...

Don't Go
Undefying Grace

Look at the cross, all covered in tears.
Look at the cross, have no fears.
Look at the cross, don't hold back.

Don't go, did you know?
He was born of the Virgin Mary,
at a stable in Bethlehem.
So follow the star,
follow your heart.
And they will lead you to the cross.

Look at the cross, all covered in tears.
Look at the cross, have no fears.
Look at the cross, don't hold back.

Don't go, did you hear?
The Angel of God sounding,
the trumpet so near.
So follow the voice,
follow the noise.
And they will lead you to the cross.

Look at the cross, all covered in tears.
Look at the cross, have no fears.
Look at the cross, don't hold back.

Don't go, did you see?
All of man,
bending their knee.
So follow the sight,
follow your eyes.

With Love,
Sarah Ward and Livy Bicknell

Anonymous said...

Hi Saundra, You have been on my mind daily even though I rarely see you. Many memories come flooding back to HS days, our families and then as we all grew up. I don't feel I have any help or advice for you, except someone to talk to if you wanna FB me a message or call me. I have been thru some of the things you have and have survived, but the feelings and memories and dreams are the hardest parts to deal with. I'm glad your family was there to help and support you as well as your church family and work family. That is the ideal way to handle difficult life changes. I understand some of the mothering issues, but we do have to let them leave and live-- and trust God they will return to us. Some of my best advice came from a counselor/friend, not regular mom friends. She helped me remember that we are just passing thru and so are our loved ones, like the phrase you quoted, "our days are numbered..." He knows everything and we won't always get the answers until we see him face to face. Many times I thought I didn't have the strength to go on or to fight off the attacks (people, thoughts, guilt, etc.) I really have not had any support financially and that is hard. You will survive that, I know you will. I have. When I needed an extra job, it always worked out, maybe not my first 10 choices, but I had minumum wage (even with 2 degrees). Things seeminly negative turned out for my good, less stress and just enough to live will all work out for you too, Saun. Just keep the faith, walk in the Spirit and you will be okay, even when you don't feel okay...i know, it doesn't feel okay because we have the dreams and plans we want for our future. I read a book, Why bad things happen to good people, and i remembere it had scriptures, but the main thing is that bad things do happen to good folks, and we are good people, Saun. Love ya, call or FB message me, Dawna

Wendy said...

Just checking in on you again. I truly am hurting with you! I Love You All so Much even tho I don't know you well. I know there is nothing I can do to take the hurt away even tho I would if I could. I came across this today maybe it will speak to you in some way. We are continuing to Pray for all of you daily.

Your Never Alone
Wendy and Lora Vaughn

Happy moments, PRAISE God.
Difficult moments, SEEK God.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP God.
Painful moments, TRUST God.
Every moment, THANK God!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Saundra,

It's probably strange for me to talk about missing John when you and your family's loss is so huge. But I miss his being at our work so much.

He was a joyful presence in the workroom at lunch. He was so funny! A couple of years ago, we got "annoyed" with him because it seemed like every day he would open his lunch very dramatically, saying, "Ummm. Let's see what we have here!" Then he would pull out each item while we all looked on jealously. You may remember that we asked if you would cook for us too! :) I think you thought we were kidding when we offered to pay you to cook for us! But we would have LOVED to have the leftovers he was having!!!!

You know his gentle humor better than anyone. It was a great addition to our frazzled staff. :) His was always a welcome presence.

I loved hearing him talk about his family. Even when (or especially when) he talked about being extremely tired because he had sat up all night in a recliner with a sick child, his love for his family shone through.

He always spoke of you with love, respect, and humor. It struck me that even after all those years he was still clearly in love with you. That is a rare thing. You lost so much in his death because you HAD so much to lose. He was blessed with your love and you with his.

I also valued his insights on kids. I asked his imput several times on how to deal with my own son, who is Isaac's age. While the two boys are very different, they have some of the same "issues." When I was really stumped, I'd ask John how you and he handled certain situations. I gained a lot from those conversations.

I miss his contribution to my life. C.S. Lewis said that when we lose someone, we also lose the way that person brings out behavior and responses from others. I miss the way our staff interacted when John's dynamic was present. It's just not as fun.

You were so blessed to have him as a life partner. He felt so blessed to have you as his. He would never have willingly left you or your children. He was a man of great commitment to his family.

This has got to feel unbearable to you at times. You are an amazing woman and you will come through this. You are being held in the prayers of many many people.

Janet Hall