Thurs dec 16

Well, I lived through yesterday....and I will today.

Let me first say....most everyone of you said you didn't understand what I was going through. That somehow touched me. I don't know why exactly....I guess just knowing that you trust God to help me...though you don't know my pain. That you are beside me....and won't leave me.....yet you don't know how deep the pain is. That probably makes no sense to you...but somehow it felt good to hear.

I believe....I believe even yesterday....deep, deep in my heart I know God is carrying me. So God forgive me, and each of you forgive me....for saying the things I did, for doubting the God who has literally carried me this far. Forgive me. But thank you for being so understanding. I am just soooooo angry. And I'm not even sure who I should be mad at.

I appreciate each and every comment...and I also appreciate the fact that though I said some pretty awful things...you LOVE me...still.....and you prayed.

I am hurting worse than the very beginning. Reality is sitting in and I don't want to face it. I know I can't do it alone. I know HE will have to carry me through...but OH! the pain.

Last night Isaac and I had a blow up. I said some pretty hurtful things...he in return. But in the end we sat in his little "place" and I held him and we cried together. All I could think about was how was I going to replace John in his life. His buddy, his partner. I told my mom this morning...I don't care what I have to go through...the pain, hurt...but I do not want my kids to have to deal with it.

I worry so much. John was so involved with each of the kids in their sport, in their lives. I don't know how to do that. I shared that with Isaac. I asked him if he ever asked God why? He said he had. I said, And what do you feel like he is saying to you? He said, "That maybe there was going to be some real pain, or sickness for daddy and he didn't want daddy to feel that pain".

We held each other for a long time and cried. I didn't have answers to his questions or his tears.

We finally went on with what needed to be done....for bed. But I couldn't get passed my thoughts of my kids without their daddy. So I called my sis in law..Kay. As I shared the evenings events she shared this. That we should pray that some come into each of the children's lives that can do what John did with them. Not take his place....we know no one can ever do that...but who can just suddenly have the urge to play catch football with Isaac, or take him to the gym and play one on one....or take him to the golf course to play a round, or just hit balls .......or watch games of t.v., watch golf matches......or just take time for my baby.

For Rach....date night. Daddy would take her to Braums for a banana split. And they would just talk. And joke....they loved joking with one another.

For Hannah, it was a date night...the same....a banana split...talking. But I remember the first thing she said after John passed and we were crying she said, "Who is going to be there at the half way mark at my cross country meets to tell me how far, how fast, what I needed to do...to cheer me on?" Who is going to push me this summer like he was? Who????????

For Matthew, it was just a quiet talk at times, a trip to backwoods, to "just look around", or go hit golf balls, play a round, go to the golf stores to look around, or watch the golf tournaments......or share golf stories with.

Yes, some of these things I can and will do....but I am not at athlete. So my prayer request is that:
That God would pick ONE person who will be to my children what John was to them. Who can do those things with them. Who can stand in the gap for John. Not fill his shoes....even my kids know that. But there is a gap that needs to be filled and God is the only one that can fill that gap for them.

Pray that my kids will be responsive to these people.
Pray for our hearts as they continue to break and hurt.
Pray for us here at home...where we can be ourselves and sometimes it isn't the best outcome.
Pray that we have patience for one another.
My family is coming in for Christmas. Pray for their travel.
Pray that I find a way to face EACH day.

Ami, I so appreciated that song. I want it. I want to play it. If anyone out there knows where I can get it...I would love to find it. That last verse is my prayer.

Thank you for the Casting Crowns cd. I don't have a cd player in the house....but I have one in the car. And there isn't a time I don't get in the car and listen to that cd. I also had a special friend make a cd for me. I play them over and over. That is all I want to fill my mind with....his words...and positive thoughts and words.

Thanks again for all you do, all you say. I can't thank you enough.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Also...all my kids are taking their finals today and tomorrow...pray that God would just grant them wisdom.

Also, I found out last night that Matthew has a lot more work to do before they will release him from OWU. So pray that he gets it completed in the time they have requested and that he too will have wisdom to complete it.

Pray for those that taking care of things for me...finances, insurance...budget...etc...pray for their wisdom.

I love you all...everyone of you...and look forward to hearing from each of you...yes...even those that I don't know. Thank you.