I feel like I am just dragging everyone down when I get on here without being happy. I'm sorry. But today I am not happy.
Yesterday was okay. The kids went tubing with their cousins. I went to return items with Marilyn. It's funny how something you used to love to do can suddenly be something you dread....shopping. I hate it now.
But the kids did have fun. That was important to me. We all met and then went out to dinner with Jay, Marilyn, Jonathon, Jessica, Stephanie, and Emma. (Allison and Dawn had other plans....) Anyway we met at Chili's. As I drove by the cemetery I just shook my head...not believing he was gone. I didn't know Rach had seem me. She asked "What?" I said nothing was wrong. Then as I drove, with Rach, in silence, all I could think about was the times that we would go to chili's as a family....or more.....when John and I would go as a cheap date because we could share a meal. In fact, we had been there the night before the accident.
As I pulled in the parking lot. I fell to pieces. Rach asked me what was wrong. I told her mommy just needed to cry. She sat and held my hand. And I cried....and cried. I wanted John there more than anything else right then.
What I thought would be a fun night out turned out to be the saddest for me. I couldn't wait to get out of there.
Rach and I went and did a few more returns. Then we decided to go to grams and gramps. On the way I called Isaac to see how he was doing (matthew and he had stayed home). He said he was alone. Matthew had left him alone. My heart broke. I can't stand to be alone right now! And he didn't have a choice! I told him I was sorry and would be there soon. We came by and picked him up and went to grams. But I was miserable. I couldn't focus. I faked smiles, laughter...I faked happiness.
When I got home...I didn't want to be here. Okay...I'm not happy. I don't know how I can go on without John. I don't want to. I can't. I can't. I can't. Somebody help me go on. I can't see the future without him. I can't see a future. I just want out.
I tried to sit down and read and couldn't focus. I just wanted out of this mess. Out of the decisions I have to make. Our of being all the kids have left.
I know everyone keeps telling me that I have to be there for the kids. They have to see that their mom is okay. I'm not okay. I am not okay.
I have an ache in my stomach, my heart....my soul that longs for John. It is there all the time. Today it is so much...so hard....so deep...its untouchable by anything, anyone but my John.
Somebody pray today. Pray today....I just feel like I can't go on. I can't even pray. The only thing I want right now is John....I can't ask God for that. So, I don't know what else to pray for.
The kids go on as if nothing has changed. Why can't I? I know they are hurting...they have to be. But they live on.....I can't have a life with out John. There just isn't one.
Somebody.....somebody pray for me today. I just can't go on!
and never ever forget to pray for my kids........