Thursday, December 31, 2009

Fri Dec 31

I feel like I am just dragging everyone down when I get on here without being happy. I'm sorry. But today I am not happy.

Yesterday was okay. The kids went tubing with their cousins. I went to return items with Marilyn. It's funny how something you used to love to do can suddenly be something you I hate it now.

But the kids did have fun. That was important to me. We all met and then went out to dinner with Jay, Marilyn, Jonathon, Jessica, Stephanie, and Emma. (Allison and Dawn had other plans....) Anyway we met at Chili's. As I drove by the cemetery I just shook my head...not believing he was gone. I didn't know Rach had seem me. She asked "What?" I said nothing was wrong. Then as I drove, with Rach, in silence, all I could think about was the times that we would go to chili's as a family....or more.....when John and I would go as a cheap date because we could share a meal. In fact, we had been there the night before the accident.

As I pulled in the parking lot. I fell to pieces. Rach asked me what was wrong. I told her mommy just needed to cry. She sat and held my hand. And I cried....and cried. I wanted John there more than anything else right then.

What I thought would be a fun night out turned out to be the saddest for me. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Rach and I went and did a few more returns. Then we decided to go to grams and gramps. On the way I called Isaac to see how he was doing (matthew and he had stayed home). He said he was alone. Matthew had left him alone. My heart broke. I can't stand to be alone right now! And he didn't have a choice! I told him I was sorry and would be there soon. We came by and picked him up and went to grams. But I was miserable. I couldn't focus. I faked smiles, laughter...I faked happiness.

When I got home...I didn't want to be here. Okay...I'm not happy. I don't know how I can go on without John. I don't want to. I can't. I can't. I can't. Somebody help me go on. I can't see the future without him. I can't see a future. I just want out.

I tried to sit down and read and couldn't focus. I just wanted out of this mess. Out of the decisions I have to make. Our of being all the kids have left.

I know everyone keeps telling me that I have to be there for the kids. They have to see that their mom is okay. I'm not okay. I am not okay.

I have an ache in my stomach, my soul that longs for John. It is there all the time. Today it is so deep...its untouchable by anything, anyone but my John.

Somebody pray today. Pray today....I just feel like I can't go on. I can't even pray. The only thing I want right now is John....I can't ask God for that. So, I don't know what else to pray for.

The kids go on as if nothing has changed. Why can't I? I know they are hurting...they have to be. But they live on.....I can't have a life with out John. There just isn't one.

Somebody.....somebody pray for me today. I just can't go on!

and never ever forget to pray for my kids........


Anonymous said...

Praying for you right now. For peace in your heart, today. And hope, for your future. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Saun (SB)

Hang in there!

LeisaK said...

Praying that God will give you the strength to go on. All things are possible through HIM!! He will carry you!

Tollya said...

Peace, comfort, wisdom, hope - I'm praying these things for YOU today Saundra!


Anonymous said...

Praying and crying for you right now, Saundra! I pray for a peace that only God can give, for rest of your mind, your body, your thoughts. You are so honest in your grief journey and that helps to know how to pray! Will pray for you today and, of course, everyday.

Jadean Murray

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and the kids.

david b mclaughlin said...

MT 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted.

JN 14:25 "All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

2 COR 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

As a Christian, the Holy Spirit is right there with us, reading our thoughts, willing to guide us, but most of all there to listen to, and feel our hurts and our triumphs, so just because you don't feel like praying, rest assured, that he already knows your hurts , he already feels your pain, you are not alone. That is our assurance as a christian....we may feel distant from God for whatever reason, or not feel like praying, but the Holy Spirit is still within, in concert with Jesus making intercession on our behalf whether or not we ask this of him..... I am sending up some Prayers for some mental and physical rest for you! And still praying for the kids. Jeff-Enid

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you and your kids right now and will continue to all day!
Don't ever worry about bringing us down for being sad!

Sarah Hardesty

Anonymous said...

You keep putting your feelings out there we will keep praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Saundra, my heart is so heavy for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I know we all wish we could change it for you and take the pain away. Just know that so many people are still praying for you.

You mentioned that you have to be there for the kids and that they have to see that their mom is okay - yes, you want to be there for the kids but I don't agree that you have to pretend that everything is okay for them. It's not okay! There is nothing wrong with showing your true feelings. There is nothing wrong with grieving and feeling lost. Don't be afraid to grieve in front of them or show them how you really feel. They are just going to be confused about how they feel and about what's going on if you're not honest with yourself and with them. Everybody grieves in a different way. You want to let them grieve in their way but you also need to grieve in your way.

I pray that one day soon those places that are so hard for you, like Chili's, become places with sweet memories. I pray that, rather than haunting you, they bring you joy and happiness because of the memories you have of you and John going there together.

Praying constantly,

Grace Smith said...

I pray for you, I cry for you and ache for you. I grieve for you... I care. I cannot tell you how often God brings you, one of your children or extended family to mind, so I KNOW God is taking care of you, even when you can't feel it, even when you don't have the strength to pray yourself.

God brings those to mind that need our prayers. I am praying for you still.

Melanie said...

I am praying for your family. I echo what Donetta said. You must each grieve in your own way and not place expectations on anyone else's griveing. It will be different for each of you and different at different times. God is with you, but I know you know that, it is just that you wish for something more. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.


Anonymous said...

Saying an extra prayer for you today-Erin

Kristie said...

Saundra, first of all, I don't think any of us comes here expecting you to be happy. I come here HOPING you are having a good day, or experiencing some happy memories, because that's what we're all praying for, but I certainly don't expect it. So I don't think you should ever worry about letting the rest of us down. The people who come here and read do it because they care about YOU, not because they expect you to set some Ms. Susie Sunshine example for them.

Second, you know how in some instances, before you ever really *do* something, you are an expert at it? For example (bear with me, I have a point here, ....) before you ever have a baby you are an expert on raising children, that sort of thing? (I know I'm guilty of that, ha!) Well, I have to assume grief is sort of the same way. Unless someone has already gone through the grief of losing a much-loved spouse, we can *think* we know what it might be like, or how we might feel, or what might be the best way to handle it .... but we don't really know. Just like there are many different ways to parent, I'm sure there are many different ways to grieve. Your way might not be the same as your childrens .... and I certainly can't pretend to know what my way would be. But I agree with the person who posted that you just have to be honest in your grief. There's a balance between allowing yourself to honestly express your feelings, and working to be strong, and I'm sure your children see you working hard to achieve that balance. In my opinion, that's the best example you could set for them.

Anonymous said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Praying and wishing I could take the pain away. It may not feel like God is holding your hand right now, but he is, take it, and hold on tight. He knows your pain, keep giving it to him, he will carry you through. Much Love to you and the kids,
cousin Lisa

Anonymous said...


I know so many others who are praying. You don't have to have the ability to handle it.

I continue to pray.


Anonymous said...

We are praying for you and the kids.

Love you.

Vic and Sherry