Yesterday was one of those days....I couldn't stop crying. I miss him. I want him back.
The trip to the Soc Sec office was awful. In the one hour I was there, I relived our marriage, each of our children's birth and his death. It all came back over and over again. I couldn't get our of there fast enough. I kept telling my Jay "I can't believe I am doing this". I just can't.
I was probably wrong. I didn't send Isaac and Rachel back to their 7th hour. I just couldn't stand to go there.
We went to the Backwoods open house. I cried as we went out....that used to be something John and Matthew would look forward to and go to. They hand out door prizes. We arrived late, and to make matters worse, the only thing we won was a woman's pair of socks. They were nice socks...but I felt so bad for the kids....usually one of us would win a nice gift. It was just a sad time for us. Brock Ring went with Matthew and I was glad that he was there to lighten the pain. Brady Van Zant was there with Isaac and I appreciate him being there to take Isaacs mind off the pain.
One of the things I dreaded about Christmas was that John would take the boys, I the girls and we would have them buy for each other. Then we would switch kids and do the same. I didn't know what to do. I want to thank Erin and Cheryl who out of the blue, with no idea about our tradition, asked Rach to go and shop for her siblings. Thank you....thank you.
During devotions I had each of the kids tell one thing that they know was an answer to prayer.
Rachel said that she was going to get her bros and sisters "a bomb" of a gift. Isaac said that we were getting Christmas gifts. Hannah said that the schools and teachers were working with us with their work. Matthew said that the restaurants that were taking their time to help us financially. I said, that God was helping us all to deal with this in a different way and we would make it.
Isaac, bless his heart, is doing the same. I am angry with myself because I finally lost control and yelled at him...I know my words hurt.
Matthew is trying hard to work with him. Having patience has grown, he even asked him to do a few things with him. An answer to prayer.
Ms. Tarbox, I remember your daughter well. John really did love her. He carried a hurt in his heart for her. He told me many times how he hurt for her....she was really special. I hope this can somehow the way he lived will heal her and help her. He would be happy for that.
My prayer request today are:
Matthew went to Lincoln golf course (where he worked last summer...and is assured of a job this summer) to see if he could get something part time now. They just don't have a need for him. Pray that he can find something. Not only to take up some of his alone time, but to get his mind off of things.
Matthew and Isaac would begin to bond in a very special way.
Matthew continue to gain patience and understanding. That he would open up to someone.
Hannah, that she would begin to heal....her heart is still so broken. She hasn't been able to go into work. That was where daddy would meet her for breaks at times....I think it hurts her. Pray that she will begin to feel comfortable enough to go back to work. Panera has been great. Letting her take her time.
Rach...that she too, will be able to start attending school for longer periods of time. That she will feel ok about leaving me.
Isaac, that God will begin to heal him. That he will bond with Matthew. That his little heart will begin to mend.
Me...I just want your prayers to surround me today. To help the hurt to go a away...just a little. I pray for wisdom...in daily choices....in choices for the kids...etc.....just pray.....just pray.