Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thur Dec 10

Yesterday was one of those days....I couldn't stop crying. I miss him. I want him back.

The trip to the Soc Sec office was awful. In the one hour I was there, I relived our marriage, each of our children's birth and his death. It all came back over and over again. I couldn't get our of there fast enough. I kept telling my Jay "I can't believe I am doing this". I just can't.

I was probably wrong. I didn't send Isaac and Rachel back to their 7th hour. I just couldn't stand to go there.

We went to the Backwoods open house. I cried as we went out....that used to be something John and Matthew would look forward to and go to. They hand out door prizes. We arrived late, and to make matters worse, the only thing we won was a woman's pair of socks. They were nice socks...but I felt so bad for the kids....usually one of us would win a nice gift. It was just a sad time for us. Brock Ring went with Matthew and I was glad that he was there to lighten the pain. Brady Van Zant was there with Isaac and I appreciate him being there to take Isaacs mind off the pain.

One of the things I dreaded about Christmas was that John would take the boys, I the girls and we would have them buy for each other. Then we would switch kids and do the same. I didn't know what to do. I want to thank Erin and Cheryl who out of the blue, with no idea about our tradition, asked Rach to go and shop for her siblings. Thank you....thank you.

During devotions I had each of the kids tell one thing that they know was an answer to prayer.
Rachel said that she was going to get her bros and sisters "a bomb" of a gift. Isaac said that we were getting Christmas gifts. Hannah said that the schools and teachers were working with us with their work. Matthew said that the restaurants that were taking their time to help us financially. I said, that God was helping us all to deal with this in a different way and we would make it.

Isaac, bless his heart, is doing the same. I am angry with myself because I finally lost control and yelled at him...I know my words hurt.

Matthew is trying hard to work with him. Having patience has grown, he even asked him to do a few things with him. An answer to prayer.

Ms. Tarbox, I remember your daughter well. John really did love her. He carried a hurt in his heart for her. He told me many times how he hurt for her....she was really special. I hope this can somehow the way he lived will heal her and help her. He would be happy for that.

My prayer request today are:
Matthew went to Lincoln golf course (where he worked last summer...and is assured of a job this summer) to see if he could get something part time now. They just don't have a need for him. Pray that he can find something. Not only to take up some of his alone time, but to get his mind off of things.

Matthew and Isaac would begin to bond in a very special way.

Matthew continue to gain patience and understanding. That he would open up to someone.

Hannah, that she would begin to heal....her heart is still so broken. She hasn't been able to go into work. That was where daddy would meet her for breaks at times....I think it hurts her. Pray that she will begin to feel comfortable enough to go back to work. Panera has been great. Letting her take her time.

Rach...that she too, will be able to start attending school for longer periods of time. That she will feel ok about leaving me.

Isaac, that God will begin to heal him. That he will bond with Matthew. That his little heart will begin to mend.

Me...I just want your prayers to surround me today. To help the hurt to go a away...just a little. I pray for daily choices for the kids...etc.....just pray.....just pray.



Ruth said...

Morning Saundra. I don't comment much but I do read the words you post and my heart hurts for what you are dealing with and going through. It's a hard, hard and your family are strong and I'm thankful for the arms of a God who holds us and holds our hearts together when comfort escapes and peace is hard to find.
I'm remembering your requests and praying for you and the kids.
Love you Saundra.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Saundra,
I had seen my daughter Mikenna’s comment on your blog Tuesday and your response. All four of our children, Kori, Kyli, Mikenna and Mitchell, had Mr. Griffis as their math teacher and coach. Mikenna has the gift of mercy and compassion. She grieves with you and your children, we all do. Sometimes things happen in life that are so horrible our minds have a hard time processing them. Even our souls don't know quite where to place the heartbreak of losing our loved one. So, we pull out our trite Christian answers and hope they are good enough to keep the honest questions at bay. But somewhere deep inside us a question bumps around our heart. A question so honest we Christians feel we couldn't ever possibly ask it. Where was God? For years, I asked God to help me wrestle with this hard questions. “Why” and finally an answer came tucked away in Acts 7:54-60, the stoning of Stephen. It's easy to read the words of the story and miss the reality of what's really happening. Stephen is being murdered. Stephen is living what the heart can't process. Yet, in the midst of his most desperate moment, Stephen is absolutely not alone. While I hate -absolutely hate- what is being done to Stephen's body, his soul is experiencing something completely separate. And what I discovered when I dared peak inside this heart break was a miracle that makes me weep with relief. God was there. Jesus was there. And my Jesus wasn't just sitting by observing. No, He was standing. And please forgive me for daring to make an assumption here but because I know Jesus, I have a picture in my mind of what He must have looked like in this moment. With tears streaming down His face, full of the purest compassion ever known, Jesus makes sure Stephen sees Him. Locks His eyes on his. And from what I can tell, Stephen never took his eyes off of Jesus. In the midst of chaos, Stephen's soul talks with Jesus. His body falls asleep. And with that, a merciful sleep takes Stephen away. I know this is hard to process. I know just reading these passages don't answer every question. I don't understand why Mr. Griffis had to die. And while I don't have the answers, there is one thing I know for certain. I do know where God was. He wasn't too busy. He wasn't cold and heartless. He wasn't caught off guard. He was there. And I'm convinced with holy tears dripping in the midst, He is grieves with you and your children. He is the One who carries you all. As He walks to the edge of eternity and reminds us He will redeem, He will make all things right soon. Especially for those who can't possibly understand “why” right now. We continue to pour our prayers out for you and your children. Your blogs have touched us to our core. Even though we do not know you personally, we are standing in the gap praying and loving you and crying out to Jesus for your comfort and healing.

Dear Lord, it is so hard to understand the heart breaking things that happen, the taking of a loved one. Thank You for this reminder in Stephen's story. Even though we may never have answers on this side of eternity we can still stand on the truth that You are good even when life isn't. But Lord Jesus, please pour out Your loving comfort and healing and reassurances on the Griffis family. Our hearts need Your touch in those deep hurting places.

In Jesus' Name.
Julienne Hammond & family

Anonymous said...

Praying what you ask for today!
Love, Pat

Anonymous said...

Everyday I pass your house taking my son to school and think of your family. I look forward to your updates because you are a blessing and an inspiration to me.

I lost my Daddy 20 years ago when I was 9 and never understood what my mom went through. I was like Isaac and rebelled for attention....because as long as I was feeling rebellious, I wasn't feeling the sadness. I could put on the tough face and even though I was the "baby girl," I tried to be the "man" of the house. I never realized what my mom went through and how I hurt her. (And as long as you keep loving him, I promise he’ll forgive the harsh words in a time of frustration)

I also see myself in your children…not wanting to go to school. That is where their Dad was and is a constant reminder, but not only that, they are away from you for a while. Just like you are afraid to lose them, they are afraid to lose you. I remember being terrified every time my mom left the house that she would leave me too. Unfortunately it does take time. You are blessed to have family so close to surround you and love you.

As an outsider looking in, I stand in awe of you and your family….Each day you are a living testimony of God’s work! Even though you hurt and struggle, you are strong and courageous. Thank you for opening up your heart to those of us who want to see you through this even if it’s only with a thought or a prayer….you are NOT ALONE!
--Tammy Overholt

Sister Chris said...

I read an article about someone losing a loved one and they said, "Grief never goes away, but it changes shape." I have felt that in the words you have shared, in the good days and bad. It is like the tide, washing over you. It had an ebb and flow through the moments of each day. But thanks be to our God, He promised He will walk though each tide by your side. His footprints alone will be in the sand many times, because He is carry you, Matthew, Hannah, Isaac, and Rachel. Someday you will look back and see two sets of prints, then each of the kids as you all become stronger. I love you.

Kristie said...

Saundra, considering the stress you are all under, I think losing patience is completely understandable. Shoot, I lose mine in normal circumstances. :)

But it really does sound like despite the difficulties, you are making progress as well. Getting out of bed and facing each day takes guts, and you should all be so proud of yourselves!! Know that we are thinking of you, and praying the things you ask.

Wendy said...

Just checking in with you. Letting you know that our thoughts and prayers continue!

Your Never Alone

Wendy and Lora Vaughn

Becky said...

Oh how I hated the Social Security Office trip. I am sorry. It is for things just like that that I have prayed God's grace on you. The anger, the tears, the "finding the blessings" are an incredible mixture in grief. I continue to pray for you and your family.

Becky Beals

Anonymous said...

Praying for all your requests. I also pray that each step, each day, each painful thing you have to do will become less painful and more bearable. I can understand your pain and frustation. I remember it was a few years before Karrie & Kristal really grieved over the loss of their dad and grandpa Mock. Karrie was the one who became rebellious for awhile. Yes it was very hard, but God was there with all of us, guiding, giving us strength and wisdom. Today both girls can share their thoughts with others. Love them unconditionally. God is & will continue to do that for you Saun, Matthew, Hannah, Issac and Rachel. Our human emotions became less each day (didn't always seem that way at the moment), but looking back God was always there!!! Continue to reach out to those who God sends your way, it is a blessing. Sounds like God is already sending friends to your kids. It will take time Saun, continue to lean on our Saviour and He will comfort you and give you strength you need when you need it the most. In continuing prayer each day. Love you!
your cousin,