Monday, December 21, 2009

Mon Dec 20

Yesterday was a quiet day. Nothing new....same ol' pain. Did make more plans for my family that is coming.

I was reading Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughters) book "WHY" this morning and I came across this:

"The time when you and I can't trace His hand of purpose, we must trust His heart of love!"

I had two feelings as I read this....WHY? Why must I go through this, why must my kids go through this?

Then I realized I am asking WHY because "I can't trace his hand". So I must trust his love. At this point I don't know how to trust him anymore. I feel lost on this spiritual journey I am on. of my first blogs I shared that someone had once told me that everyone of God's children must go through the desert/wilderness at sometime in the Christian journey. I believe I am there. But I also remember in that story that God led them by a cloud by day and the fire/moon by night. Well, I don't see anything right now. How is he leading me? I really don't know what I am suppose to do next to get through this. For me or the kids. I am lost in this wilderness.

Today is a busy one....thank goodness....The kids are going with Jessica and Jonathan to the Children's Hospital where they take Emma for treatment to meet some of the OU football team and Bob Stoops. He brings some of this team to the children's cancer center to meet with some of the patients. Isaac and Rach and getting to go with them. They are excited.

Tonight, Bill Bumpus asked Isaac to help be a ball boy at the All College Basketball something or other...he is excited about that. Jason, Jonathon will be going with him.

Today I guess I can say I feel numb. I can't cry, I can't rest. I just feel numb. Pray for me.

My prayer requests:
That God will bring a special person into each of my kids life to fill the hold that is left. I feel for know. He is so lost without John.

Christmas....that I can make it without putting a damper on my children's Christmas

Matthew, that God will be with him and begin to work in his heart. He wouldn't even get up to go to church with me yesterday. That was our family thing! It hurt so much.

That God grant me wisdom in daily decisions, words, actions....just that my life would be so directed by him.

Traveling mercy for my family

Patience with my children.


Thank you to Molli, Cooper, Tanner and Trey and the Spindles for making a tribute to John at their church Sunday night. It really touched my heart.

Thanks, to all of you. One day I will get those Thank Yous out. But, thanks for reading, and commenting...each one has something that I carry with me for that day. For that one day...or that one step I take. Thank you.



Anonymous said...

You may not be able to see anything through the pain right now but God will lead you - whether you can see the path or not. He does love you and will not desert you. Keep holding on to that.

Love you and praying for you!!

Eliza Kate Designs said...

An excerpt from Kathy Troccoli's book, Hope for a Woman's Heart.

He is so close to the broken-hearted. He is so near to the weary soul. He is so present in our suffering. He never hides his face, but offers a hiding place. Allow yourself to fall. He's waiting to catch you.

Still praying!!

Krystin Morris

Anonymous said...


Oh how I wish we lived in a world that was not filled with pain, suffering or the loss of our loved ones. But, we live in an imperfect world filled with sin. It is because of sin we hurt, feel pain, and long for a Savior. Most importantly, realize our need for a Savior! In 2 Cor. 12:9..."my grace is sufficient for you, Saundra, for power is perfected in (your) weakness"...

Saundra, the fact that you are waking up each morning is God's grace given to you one more day. The fact that your kids are having good days (maybe not every day, but who does?)is God's grace given to you freely one more day. That is so awesome!!!! God is showering you with His grace every time you take another breath....only meaning He is not finished with you yet! As painful as it is...remember that God is working through your pain to complete the good work he started. He loves you too much to just leave you in your misery. He is working!!!!!! Hold on to that. Our hope is NOT on the things of this world or people of this world, but on our Lord Jesus Christ. Saundra hold tight to his promises every day. Type them out, place them in every corner of your home. Memorize them! Sing them!

Praying for you and your sweet children.

Anonymous said...

just want to tell you that i am praying for you...your writing is painful and full of truth..i love you for telling the truth..this hurts and the whole thing sucks and right now, that is the to you..shirlene tarbox

Sister Chris said...

The question "why" reminded me of a devotional I read many years ago. It was on the angel visit to Mary. She was going to face persecution, ridicule, abandonment by people because of the situation she would soon be in...pregnant and not married. She could be stoned. But she did not ask the angel "why", she asked, "How will this be because I am a virgin". After the angel's pronouncement she says, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." Luke1:26-55. Then she sang the most beautiful song in history. The devotional then stated, by Mary's reaction, that instead of "Why me", she could have said, "why not me", I love the Lord, I am His servant, how can he use me to bring about redemption to someone, why not me". Her pregnancy was really a death sentence for her, yet she was rejoicing in the midst of confusion, questions, and history tells us she would have been between 14 and 16!

Remember the song by Ray Boltz about going to heaven and meeting people he never realized his impact on for Christ? That is what John will be experiencing till Jesus comes, and what you will experience someday because of the way you have walked with Jesus thought this tragedy. Ask the questions, experience the anger, sorrow. Because you know you really do have a bedrock faith that God will use to bring about His glory for thousands to see. After people see Jesus, there will be a long waiting line to say "thank you", to John for his faithfulness is living Christ in his day to day life.

Anonymous said...

Something hit me when I read about the clouds and fire....When I lost my dad, and also in the past, people either didn't have a place to vent or chose not to. This blog you write on everyday, is giving you that, but also creating "clouds" and "fire" ...Each person that is giving you the tidbits you read are also giving you the knowledge that they are praying. Try to allow the clouds in your life, and look at the small things like the all college (which I know John went to back in the day)be the fire for Isaac tonight. I can see the providence of God through this blog, and even in your progression through this time, in the wilderness he provided the literal clouds and fire, but I believe with all of my heart he is providing them for you guys now as well!! Godbless! Jeff

Anonymous said...

"'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.'"

"To be spiritually minded is life and peace."

Peace be with you, dawna:)

Grace Smith said...

The song Sis Chris mentioned does remind me of John's life. I can't wait for my Dad to meet up with John again.

A few months before Dad died, Jim invited us to the apt. he and John shared during grad school in Norman. It was a dreary stormy night, but we smelled the aroma of a wonderful dinner as we walked in.

John was standing in the kitchen and Dad asked what he was making. John replied "mozzerella sticks". (These were new to us at that time.)

Dad and I watched as John sliced the mozzerella and saw the "fry daddy" with hot oil bubbling. We looked at each other with the same puzzled look... I thought, "Poor John, this won't work, the cheese will just melt everywhere".

We continued to watch as John dipped the sticks of cheese into egg batter and rolled them in breadcrumbs. We watched amazed as the sticks of cheese held together and fried perfectly.

To this day, I think of John every time I eat a mozzerella stick!

It was a wonderful evening of conversation, good food and laughter.

After dinner, Mom and I stood to clear the table and planned to wash the dishes, but John wouldn't hear of it. He was concerned that we make it safely back to Bethany in the storm.

As it turned out, we had to stop at McDonalds to wait out a tornado headed towards Bethany.

As we drank hot coffee, Dad continued to talk about how thankful he was that Jim had such a great friend in John and what a wonderful time he had.

Here's a link to the song "Thank You"

(copy and paste to brower)

Marlan said...

taking one day, one moment at a time is all you can do right now. God WILL lead you honey! I know some days it doesn't seem very clear, but He is right there with you and will not leave you or your children. In love & prayers,

phylis said...


It is always so good to read your blogs. Even though I am in constant thought and prayer for you and your family, I feel closer to you when I read your thoughts and where you are for that moment in time.

I am so sorry that Matthew is having such a rough time. I will put him at the top of the list for now. It is good to see Hannah around more. I know Grace is excited to have her join up with the team again.

You mentioned in your blog the other day, Isaac asking about someone to play with. I knwo that Mason is quite a bit younger, but he loves Isaac so much. He would love the chance to play with him. You can always call or text. Mason would be so excited to play with him. Just keep us in mind.

Your faith has always been strong. Now is not any different! My words seem so empty compared to your pain, but I know that your faith of things not seen will sustain you.

Love you bunches,

Anonymous said...

Saundra, it's me again. I, too, love that song by Ray Boltz, 'Thank You'...
"One by one they came
Far as your eyes could see
Each life somehow touched
By your generosity
Little things that you had done
Sacrifices you made
They were unnoticed on the earth
In heaven now proclaimed

And I know that up in heaven
You’re not supposed to cry
But I am almost sure
There were tears in your eyes
As Jesus took your hand
And you stood before the Lord
He said, my child look around you
For great is your reward."

John is reaping his reward. AND I know you hurt, I feel the pain in your writing. Every day, I wish I had the ability to say something profound, however, the most profound thing I can think of is to let you know I pray for you and your children every day. I wake thinking of you and go to sleep with your family on my mind. Losing a loved one is so hard, but especially at this special Christmas season.

I pray God will somehow give you a moment of peace that passes all understanding.

You are loved and prayed for by so many. You are truly blessed.


Rebecca said...

Praying. Just praying. And will continue to do so each time your name and your children's names are brought to my mind.