Yesterday was a quiet day. Nothing new....same ol' pain. Did make more plans for my family that is coming.
I was reading Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughters) book "WHY" this morning and I came across this:
"The time when you and I can't trace His hand of purpose, we must trust His heart of love!"
I had two feelings as I read this....WHY? Why must I go through this, why must my kids go through this?
Then I realized I am asking WHY because "I can't trace his hand". So I must trust his love. At this point I don't know how to trust him anymore. I feel lost on this spiritual journey I am on. Remember...one of my first blogs I shared that someone had once told me that everyone of God's children must go through the desert/wilderness at sometime in the Christian journey. I believe I am there. But I also remember in that story that God led them by a cloud by day and the fire/moon by night. Well, I don't see anything right now. How is he leading me? I really don't know what I am suppose to do next to get through this. For me or the kids. I am lost in this wilderness.
Today is a busy one....thank goodness....The kids are going with Jessica and Jonathan to the Children's Hospital where they take Emma for treatment to meet some of the OU football team and Bob Stoops. He brings some of this team to the children's cancer center to meet with some of the patients. Isaac and Rach and getting to go with them. They are excited.
Tonight, Bill Bumpus asked Isaac to help be a ball boy at the All College Basketball something or other...he is excited about that. Jason, Jonathon will be going with him.
Today I guess I can say I feel numb. I can't cry, I can't rest. I just feel numb. Pray for me.
My prayer requests:
That God will bring a special person into each of my kids life to fill the hold that is left. I feel for Isaac....you know. He is so lost without John.
Christmas....that I can make it without putting a damper on my children's Christmas
Matthew, that God will be with him and begin to work in his heart. He wouldn't even get up to go to church with me yesterday. That was our family thing! It hurt so much.
That God grant me wisdom in daily decisions, words, actions....just that my life would be so directed by him.
Traveling mercy for my family
Patience with my children.
Thank you to Molli, Cooper, Tanner and Trey and the Spindles for making a tribute to John at their church Sunday night. It really touched my heart.
Thanks, to all of you. One day I will get those Thank Yous out. But, thanks for reading, and commenting...each one has something that I carry with me for that day. For that one day...or that one step I take. Thank you.