Thursday, December 24, 2009

Thur Dec 24

My family arrived safely. It is good to have them here. It makes for a houseful....but its kind of nice that way.

It was nice to put my arms around my dad and he squeezed me tight. I felt the love, compassion, and the sadness from him all at once. My mom just held tight and I don't think she wanted to let go.

Then there is my brother Mitch, my comic relief. Without him I don't know if I could laugh. My sister-in-law, Shelley, whom I think can actually feel my pain. She is so sensitive.

My little sis, Debbie, we hugged, and didn't say a word. It was in the look that we gave each other. I know she knows I hurt and no words will help.

My Older sis, Chris, we have been estranged for years, over little things. Not talking to each other for years. This (sadly) has brought us together. But, she hugged me and smiled...and it felt good to hug her again.

My brother-n-law said some very helpful words, "If you get overwhelmed just tell us....we will fix it." I don't have to worry about that. I am not afraid to tell or show my feelings....I can't help it anyway!!!!

But, there is a hard part of all this. As I lay in bed thinking this morning, I thought of Christmas morning, taking pictures. And I thought....OH, there will be something....someone missing. How can we have Christmas without Him?????? He isn't here to share the laughs, he won't be in the pictures....we won't be able to share the "looks" that we would give each other when we would see the look on one of the children's faces as we realized..."yea, that was the right gift!" I don't even want to be there. I want to leave.

I don't want to put a damper on my kids Christmas, but I know I won't be able to be happy, I will just want to cry....and cry.

At the Christmas Eve Service...I don't want to go...but the kids have already planned it. I don't know how they do it......just go on. We always held hands and enjoyed it as a family. I can't feel like a family right now.

I had to ask Marilyn yesterday to buy things for my stocking. It hurt so much. Rach still believes in Santa, who fills stockings, so I had to have mine filled. Or I just wouldn't have bothered. But it hurt so bad. John and I would actually sit on the bed together on Christmas Eve and fill each others. Laughing while we did it. ...and watching..."It's a Wonderful Life". One of John's favorite Christmas movies.

It hurt so bad to ask her. I hated it. I didn't want to do it. That was John's job. On Christmas Eve day he would say to me...."Gotta go get stockings for someone!" I won't hear that today.

John always said....Christmas is for kids. That is why I am doing all I am doing....for the kids. Because I want no part of Christmas this year.

Thank you for each of you that commented. Some brought a peace regarding Matthew and I appreciate that.

Becky, I appreciate that you are making Matthew your focus of prayer. I know that is what he needs.

Denise, thank you for commenting. I know for some people it is hard to express themselves on here. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.

Jadean, I have put Matthew at Jesus feet. I have decided to let him be. I will be there to love him, I will try to put my arms around him, I will always try to see his side of things. I will/do love him. It is just so hard....I want to put my arms around him all the time. But he is unapproachable. Sometimes I find myself actually scared of him. But he is at Jesus feet and I see Jesus just gently rubbing his head as he cries and sobs and the tears soak Jesus' feet.

David, the stocking idea is a good idea. I think we are going to hold off on anymore new traditions. That is one I will remember for next year.

Grace, I love you. I love your comments. I love you because of how much John talked about your family. You were all so special to him. Thanks for commenting. And yes, you may use my blog....all the more prayers is my thought!!!!

Kristie...again...God does speak through you. I know it. I can see you actually saying what you write. That is what makes your comments special to me. You have such a great outlook on life. And what you said today is so true. It may be just me, or Rach and me, that go to counseling. But, as we heal, maybe we can help the other heal also. I love your comments....

Deb...Kristie's friend....thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you that you don't know me, but you have the heart of God to pray and contact me. You are a blessing.

Well, I don't know how today may go. It is in God's hands. Please pray

That Matthew will accept my family being here. He told Marilyn that he didn't want anyone here. Isaac the same. But, I need them. I need them here. I will do all I can to make it easy for Matthew and Isaac. But, just pray that it be easy for them. My family knows this and they are letting them have their space.

That the Christmas Eve service will bring me peace.

That I will leave Matthew at Jesus' feet. And I think I need to put Isaac there also.

Patience with all my kids.

That God will continue to reveal that he IS here with me. That he is carrying me. That I don't feel so alone.

Peace...I want peace.

That I don't put a damper on the kids Christmas.

that the kids will understand my pain....and let me cry...(Matthew told me to stop...I cried too much)


Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for praying. Thanks for all you do.
I love you all.....


Jeannie Jenkins said...

Wishing you a peaceful day today and tomorrow. As for Matthew, we were all teenagers at one time or another, and I think he is having an understandably difficult time. On some level, he is aware of his new role as the man of the house, and I am sure it is all overwhelming. He will deal with his grief and he needs support; I will pray for him. I believe that once he grieves, he will be better able to accept his daunting yet important new role in the family.

Just keep swimming.

Anonymous said...


Just wanted you to know we are thinking of you especially today and tomorrow and praying for all of you. I know it will be hard. But you keep going!

Also, I was remembering that my mom would always say that when we were too hurt to pray or too scared or too overwhelmed, just to say the name of Jesus over and over. His name is peace, is hope, is calming. I'm praying His name over you!!!

I love you all very much.

Lisa L.

Anonymous said...

Remembering you and the children in prayer every day, especially today and tomorrow. Pat

Anonymous said...

Just read your blog and my heart hurts for you. Too many changes. huh! Love and prayers to each of you. I'm glad your family is there. You need them. I hope you will be able to enjoy tomorrow to the extent you can. Remember the good days (memories), forget the bad. Gaylene

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today as it snows... I know it is probably bittersweet... just wanted to let you know you are being thought of today. I am so glad your full house is bringing some comfort. Praying for you today and tomorrow, Saundra. You are loved!

"Our sins have been washed away, white as snow..."

Kristie said...

Glad your family arrived safely .... nothing better than being surrounded by people who love you during a difficult time. I'll pray tomorrow goes smoothly and even though the "old" memories might be painful, that you can make some new ones this year, regardless.

Wanda said...

Saundra, so thankful your family has safely arrived.

You said Matthew and Issac hadn't wanted anyone there...could it be Matthew might be afraid he'll drop his guard (Sorrow). To him that's his wall of protection...nobody is going to hurt him again. However, I know there is a tender heart in that boy and God can reach it. He's my prayer today. He's a grieving young man...doing it his way.

So glad you've been able to lay him at Jesus feet, there's no better place for him right now. Keep those palms lifted toward Heaven and God will take care of him.

Give Mitch that extra hug from me. Such an awesome young man. How he touched my life in college...he didn't know the void in my life he and others filled. I'll always love him and others for that. You have a special family.

May God be with you this Christmas Season.

Again, your family is loved.

Jadean Murray

Rebecca said...

Dear Saundra...

I just had to make some time to visit you today. Remind you again that I'm lifting each of you up to the Most High and to tell you specifically again I'm praying earnestly for your son, Matthew. I don't favor him in prayer, but for some reason he is the one that God continually brings to my heart and mind.

"If He can carry the weight of the world upon His shoulders, I know my SISTER that He can, and is, carrying you...".

Blessings to you with Love,


Anonymous said...

I'm glad your family arrived safely. I hope today and tomorrow end up being good for you. May God give you all peace and comfort during Christmas.

I love you!
Praying for you as always!

Anonymous said...

Saundra, just thinking "Jesus" when you feel overwhelmed, fearful, and uncertain is all He needs to know. He is watching over all of you and waiting patiently for the time to be right. I think of and pray for you daily. Love, Madalyn Long

Pam Vernier Schafer said...

Hey Saun!!! Wishing you God,s peace for you and your family during this very difficult time. Don't ever forget that God loves you and the kids more than you can ever imagine. A year from now you will be able to look back and see how God brought you through. You and each of your children are being prayed for. Sometimes it feels like that is not enough, but God,s grace is more than enough to bring us through the toughest times.

Your cousin, Pam

Tell everyone "Hi for me!"

Wendy said...

Very relieved and excited that your family arrived safely, especially with the weather being as it was today. Haven't commented for awhile but wanted you to know that your blogs are read and our prayers continue on a daily basis, especially thru these Holiday Seasons, extra prayers have been lifted up for All of you. Saying extra prayers for Matthew as well. Know that you all are Loved and Thought of Very Much!

Wendy and Lora Vaughn

Anonymous said...

Saundra, my heart aches for you... I read your blog everyday and continue to lift you and your children up in prayer. I know that God can and will heal all of your wounds. Remember that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. You probably know that stages of grief...shock, disbelief, anger, denial, acceptance. I think that what you are seeing in Matthew is just the stage he is in. He also probably feels like he is supposed to be "leading" the family now, and my not know how, or want to accept that responsibility. I believe that he will come around, he just needs time. Keep leaving him at Jesus feet. Let him know that you are still here for him and you love him. He will come around in time. He probably also needs a distraction. Something to take his mind off things. Maybe you should take him out for coffe or something and try to talk to him one on one. Tell him you want to hear from him, to know what he is thinking and feeling. Tell him what you need from him. But more than anything, keep lifting him up in prayer. This is so very hard. Just one step at a time! It will get to be more bearable, it just takes time. I hope this helps somehow. Know that you are loved and prayed for! Remember when Jesus was praying in the garden before he was taken away by the roman soldiers? He said to God "my Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not my will, but as you will" Matthew 26:39 Can there be a more graphic demonstration of trust in God? Or a better example of submission to our heavenly Father's will? Every problem we face, every argument with our children, every stressful assignment, gives us opportunity to call on God to strengthen our faith, to develop our character & to ground our hope deeper in him (Romans 5:3-4). Love you!

Anonymous said...

Someone sent this poem to me the first Christmas my Mom spent in Heaven. It was such a comfort to me,as I hope it will be for you and your children. God Bless each one of you.
~Debbie S.~

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So please pray one for another,
As I lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.

Anonymous said...

I do every night, but on this Christmas night, I'm especially thinking of and praying for you all.

Wanda said...

Saundra, I've prayed today for you and your family. I know it's been a hard day for you, but try and relax in the arms of Jesus and let Him carry you for just a bit. He knows you and loves you.

I thank God your family is there for you and your kiddos, although right now some of them might not like of these days down athe road...they will be glad the had loving grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

So glad Debbie is there and can prayer her prayers directly to you. She seems to have an awesome

I love you much...Jadean Murray

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to share this with you all:

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
Relflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away your tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here,
I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing.
I know how bad you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
We really aren't far apart
So be happy for me dear ones
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special Gift from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a mnemory
Of my undying love,
After all, Love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories that Jesus told.
Please love each other as
the Father said to do,
For I cannot count the blessings
or love He has for you,
So have a Merry Christmas
and wipe away that tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.