Well, I made it another day. I can't believe it.
Yesterday was hard. It just seemed John was everywhere. My kids seemed to have a harder day than usual yesterday. But I do and am Praising God that they are passing their tests. Isaac and Rachel both have a Science test that we are all fretting about. They seemed so hard to even study for. Isaac almost in tears as we tried to understand what seemed so foreign to both of us.
Rachel found a little plastic poker chip that John and I brought back from our last Anniversary trip away. It was from a christian book store that on the chip it said something like Christ took the cross for us. She brought it to me in tears. We cried for a bit, then I told her that it was something that she could put in her scrap book. She came to me a few days ago and told me she wanted to make a scrapbook of just she and her daddy. So I told her that ever single thing she finds from her daddy, or picture or whatever she could put in that scrapbook and it would be the most beautiful scrapbook ever!
While we stood and cried the song playing on her player in her bedroom was "I can Only Imagine". I told her to listen closely and then I told her that I imagined daddy standing there with his arms outstretched and just wanting to hold Jesus. She smiled. Then she said, I keep wondering why it couldn't be ********daddy, or ******daddy. Why my daddy? And then she said, "Then I thought, what if something was going to cause daddy great pain and God is keeping him from it?" Then he is protecting daddy by taking him to Heaven now." I couldn't help remembering those were Isaac's very words yesterday as I held him. I just feel like God is helping them deal with this pain...he know how to help them. And I believe he is.
Matthew still seems so angry. I just can't hardly be in the same room with him. He just complains or cuts down anything I say or do. It hurts so much. Yesterday I gave him what I thought was good news. Sat beside him on the couch as I told him. It did involve saying John's name and bringing up the past with John. So yes, I was crying. After I told him, with no expression on his face...I mean none, he just stared at me. I asked him if it made him happy. He said it did, but he didn't understand why I was crying. I told him that I learned a long time ago to not hold my tears in...that it was my release. He said, "Well, I wish you would just stop crying." It broke my heart. All I said was, "I am sorry, I am who I am". and i left him there on the couch. That was pretty much the last we spoke with the exception of have tos.
I am really missing John in so many ways today...yesterday. Everyone says it is part of grieving. Im ready to move onto the next part then. Marilyn contacted Calm Waters for me. There are a lot of down sides to it. The parent and children are separated into age appropriate groups. I am not sure that is what we need at this point. I WANT TO BE WITH THEM. And Matthew is all for going....Praise God...but they don't take anyone over 18. If anyone has a suggestion...I am open to it. And I want it to be a christian facility. My psychiatrist and Matthew's suggested we get to one immediately.
Also, most of you may know that my sweet family will start coming in for Christmas. The blessed Dorris' and Cox's have offered their homes and I so appreciate it. But on Christmas day none of us really want to cook. We are looking for a place where you can order a meal for like 20 people and then all we have to do is pick it up. One year we did this and it was from Albertsons....well they aren't here anymore. If anyone knows of a place that will do this please let me know.
My prayer requests are
Isaac and Rachel with their Science Tests....and Isaac also has a History
Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and family...as they are hurting so much also.
Hannah at her game tonight
A GOD SENT PAL for each of my children
Peace....for all of us
Thanks for all your words, cards, music, etc...I can go on and on...thank you. You have blessed me so much! YOU have and are helping GOD carry me.
I love you all,