Friday, December 18, 2009

Dec 17...Friday

Well, I made it another day. I can't believe it.

Yesterday was hard. It just seemed John was everywhere. My kids seemed to have a harder day than usual yesterday. But I do and am Praising God that they are passing their tests. Isaac and Rachel both have a Science test that we are all fretting about. They seemed so hard to even study for. Isaac almost in tears as we tried to understand what seemed so foreign to both of us.

Rachel found a little plastic poker chip that John and I brought back from our last Anniversary trip away. It was from a christian book store that on the chip it said something like Christ took the cross for us. She brought it to me in tears. We cried for a bit, then I told her that it was something that she could put in her scrap book. She came to me a few days ago and told me she wanted to make a scrapbook of just she and her daddy. So I told her that ever single thing she finds from her daddy, or picture or whatever she could put in that scrapbook and it would be the most beautiful scrapbook ever!

While we stood and cried the song playing on her player in her bedroom was "I can Only Imagine". I told her to listen closely and then I told her that I imagined daddy standing there with his arms outstretched and just wanting to hold Jesus. She smiled. Then she said, I keep wondering why it couldn't be ********daddy, or ******daddy. Why my daddy? And then she said, "Then I thought, what if something was going to cause daddy great pain and God is keeping him from it?" Then he is protecting daddy by taking him to Heaven now." I couldn't help remembering those were Isaac's very words yesterday as I held him. I just feel like God is helping them deal with this pain...he know how to help them. And I believe he is.

Matthew still seems so angry. I just can't hardly be in the same room with him. He just complains or cuts down anything I say or do. It hurts so much. Yesterday I gave him what I thought was good news. Sat beside him on the couch as I told him. It did involve saying John's name and bringing up the past with John. So yes, I was crying. After I told him, with no expression on his face...I mean none, he just stared at me. I asked him if it made him happy. He said it did, but he didn't understand why I was crying. I told him that I learned a long time ago to not hold my tears in...that it was my release. He said, "Well, I wish you would just stop crying." It broke my heart. All I said was, "I am sorry, I am who I am". and i left him there on the couch. That was pretty much the last we spoke with the exception of have tos.

I am really missing John in so many ways today...yesterday. Everyone says it is part of grieving. Im ready to move onto the next part then. Marilyn contacted Calm Waters for me. There are a lot of down sides to it. The parent and children are separated into age appropriate groups. I am not sure that is what we need at this point. I WANT TO BE WITH THEM. And Matthew is all for going....Praise God...but they don't take anyone over 18. If anyone has a suggestion...I am open to it. And I want it to be a christian facility. My psychiatrist and Matthew's suggested we get to one immediately.

Also, most of you may know that my sweet family will start coming in for Christmas. The blessed Dorris' and Cox's have offered their homes and I so appreciate it. But on Christmas day none of us really want to cook. We are looking for a place where you can order a meal for like 20 people and then all we have to do is pick it up. One year we did this and it was from Albertsons....well they aren't here anymore. If anyone knows of a place that will do this please let me know.

My prayer requests are
Isaac and Rachel with their Science Tests....and Isaac also has a History
Our pain
Our Christmas
Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and they are hurting so much also.
Hannah at her game tonight
A GOD SENT PAL for each of my children
Peace....for all of us

Thanks for all your words, cards, music, etc...I can go on and on...thank you. You have blessed me so much! YOU have and are helping GOD carry me.

I love you all,


Grace Smith said...


I used Mimi's cafe once, but I'm not sure if they have the whole turkey to slice at home. I just got takeout dinners which was presliced turkey. I found out later, it would have been less expensive to use the catering menu.

Thier number is 302-3830.

I'm praying especially for Matthew today. When Dad died, my grandmother kept telling Mom to stop crying. She meant well, she was just worried about her daughter. But, that wasn't what Mom needed to hear and beame angry and aggressive. I had to put my grandmother on a plane sooner than she planned on going home. They later worked it out.

Matthew must be carrying a BIG load right now... missing his Dad, worrying about his mother and siblings, having to finish out his courses, etc. Even though all of your children are grieving, there is just something about being the oldest son trying to fill in for his Dad.

Even if he is not doing it now, he knows there is a responsibility in trying to fill his Dad's shoes.

Keep on loving, even when you don't feel it in return. But if you need to cry, Cry. It won't rain always, but for now, let the rain fall.

I will also pray that you find good Christian counseling for your whole family.

Here's a link of Janet Paschal's version of the song "It won't rain always" if you want to listen sometime.


Anonymous said...

i read every single word you write, saundra. i think of 10,000 things to say, but i don't want other people to read my thoughts. maybe you could get a gmail address? every day, i seem to hurt for one of you more than the other. today, rachel is on my heart. there is a puddle of tears on my dining room table. may the Balm of Gilead be applied to her wounds today. We love her. We love you all.hundreds before it's over with.

Anonymous said...


My church, Forest Hill Christian Church has a support group called Grieve with Hope. The lady that runs it lost her husband a few years ago when her children were young, so she may be someone you can relate to maybe. I can get more information for you if you are interested.

Anonymous said...

I thank God for whoever created this blog page for you...and I thank God that you share your heart, your pain, your feelings. Through your notes, I can know how to pray. Thank you for being so honest and please don't ever apologize for the way you grieve. There is not a right nor a wrong way to grieve...that I do know. I admire the intense attention you pay to your children.

I will continue to read and pray as directed. I'm ss happy your family will be with you to get through Christmas. It will still be hard, but God will be there also.

My daddy died at 54, Dec 20. Christmas was a hard time for my mom and younger siblings and my two daughters. Holidays are a hard time to lose a loved one. There just isn't a good time to lose someone you love, but God seems to get us through those times.

Love you and your family...all of them, especially Mitch.


Anonymous said...

Homeland still has dinners you can purchase. I don't know how the pricing is for more than a dinner for 4, but it is fairly large portions. Same location as Albertson's.

We are still praying for you and your family. Again, you are very blessed to have so many people supporting you...

I will pray you find competent, experienced Christian counseling for your family. I wish I would have had good help when I was Rachel's age. My dad has a type of sudden death syndrome, but is still alive. He kept blacking out, having seizures and we would find him with broken bones or blood, etc. Every week I thought my dad was dying again. Our lives were turned upside down, and although he still lives today, I rebelled and wondered why God didn't heal him and why did I have to see him in pain.

I made some mistakes and eventually chose the right path, but with no real counseling or acceptance nor understanding from others for what I was going thru. Being a pastor's daughter, or child of a community leader, makes it even more difficult because I felt the need to be perfect for the family image. My family was split up, lost our home and income, lived in different towns and needless to say, I reaally needed some counseling, but nobody offered it until I was driving and working and on my own schedule. I pray you guys find a family session soon.

Aurora still prays for you guys at every meal and when she runs across something from Mr. G's class. Peace be with you, Dawna

Dwight Campbell said...

Hey Saundra just wantted you to know that your in my prayers. You know I feel you and your kids pain. I since the healing process has begun. Takes so long. We lost one of our staff workers in a 4 wheeler accident this summer and Carissa and I still strugle with the pain and grief. It was like loosing a son. We just want you to know that we are here for you and that anytime yall want to get away that the camp is always open for free for you and your family. We would love for yall to come and get away some time. I know for us its good to just get away from everything. Just let me know.
Love and Prayers
Dwight and Carissa Campbell

Anonymous said...

There is an amazing Christian man that is a counselor. He covers many areas from famiies to pastoral to marital. His name is Dr. James Martin... 405.848.8482. Its a one on one setting where you can all be together in a comfortable setting... he has couches and chairs in a family room/living room environment. My son, Shelby and I read your blog regularly and talk about things he can do and what not to do to help Isaac as his friend. You and the children are in our prayers. I can say as I have read over the last month, I can hear and see the healing God is bringing to your family.
Marci Williams-Doyle
(Shelbys mom)