Friday, December 11, 2009

Fri Dec 10

When the alarm went off this morning I rolled over and put my arms around John. But then I woke up and it was Isaac. Why? The pain I felt.

Yesterday I held a lot of my "tears in my chest" in. I just thought Matthew was tired of seeing me cry as we were on our way to Target. We were trying to decide about gifts, what kind of lights I needed for the wreath John had made for me years ago....and I wanted to cry. But knew he was tired of them. But I was angry ...at God...at John...that I had to decided these things. That I had to count the lights to go in the wreath. That was his job. Now I am wondering....was that wrong to be mad at John for that? Wrong to be mad at God. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore....do I really care anymore?

I hurt all day. But then God brought Sallye to me. And thank God, she had a shoulder that she offered me. It came...it poured....but what surprised me...I felt no difference. It always seemed better with John. I want to be better. I thank Sallye for her shoulder....for being there...but when does the pain stop??

I really enjoyed your comments this morning though. Some of them were awesome. The stoning of Peter....God's beloved follower. No, I know God is standing with us....looking down at us......but sometimes I hit a wall (as I told Sallye) and then I can't believe anymore.

The kids did well yesterday. Praise God. Rach went to her Eng class, with Mrs. White. At first she cried and wanted me to go with her But I reminded her how much John loved Mrs White and would want her to help her So we decided on just 15 minutes. She went for longer and did okay.

Isaac went to his History class. Alone. Though when I look in at him I see him looking far off...he really isn't there. I wonder where he is....or do I really need to ask?

Hannah drove the white truck yesterday to school after lunch. That was major....that was she and her daddy's truck. They shared it. I didn't know how long until she could get in it. But after lunch, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I think I am going to drive the truck back to school." That was all. And she did.

Matthew comes out a little more. Pray for him today. We have been wanting to get a tree down in front of our house. Matthew and his friend Mark are going to try and get it down themselves this morning. I am terrified to say the least. I told him I didn't think I was a good idea to do it with out a cherry picker, but they think they can climb and do it branch by branch. I'm so scared. I can't convince him otherwise. Please, please, pray for both their safety. I can't lose him.

Isaac did well at this game. I kept praying, as well as the siems, who I was texting, that God would help coach to SEE Isaac, to find favor with him. And he did. And in the first minute he was in....he scored!!! I know, and told Isaac later....daddy is so proud of him! He was smiling and talked of it all the way home!

On our drive home, it was dark, and there was chatter. But I was thinking. As we drove down 35 heading home, I passed that little park..I can't remember the name, but there is a little putt putt course....batting cages, etc...everytime we went by the kids would want to go. And John and I told them that Yea, sometime we will. Then we went by the Warren Theatre, and I remember, John holding my hand in the car and say, "Sometime, we are going there for dinner, and just going to have a nice quiet evening."

As we passes these places, and I began to think, and remember that God has each of our days numbered, mapped out if you will......then why be so horrible and let us make plans with those we love...where memories like that can break our hearts over and over. Why? I just don't understand. Why would a loving God do that?

During the night, i kept seeing John when I woke...in my mind. I want to hold him guys. Whenever we were in the car, it used to be kind of a race to see who would grab whose hand first to hold as we drove. I want a hand to hold in the car!!!!!!!

You know..I really thought I was doing alright. But not anymore....I just now am starting to feel an overwhelming sadness ALL the time! I used to be able to push it away. But not anymore. Its just there ready to break out....all the time. My heart aches all the time. My stomach hurts....

Before I go I want to thank each of you who turned out at Panera for our benefit. I would have been there but for Isaacs game. I love you all for supporting us...

We are going to try to be at the games tonight. At least for the end of the girls and the beginning of the boys. I don't think we will stay long....don't think I can. But thanks again for honoring my wonderful, wonderful husband in this way. He is happy, I know.

Love,
Saundra

11 comments:

jenX said...

absolutely sobbing, saundra. your blog is rare glimpse into life after tragedy. it is a blessing for those of us fortunate enough to read your words. i wish, like everyone else, that i could make everything better. all i have to offer is my listening, my feeble prayers. i cry out to God with you today. How could He let this happen? Do not give me theology today. Today, I need to be what I really am. Why did John have to leave his family too soon? How could this have happened? These prayers do not frighten God and we pray them along with you. This is the conversation He wants to have with us. He doesn't require a stiff and righteous upper lip. Saundra - I heard a Hebrew scholar say one time that those who walk through the greatest fire have the greatest faith. As such, you are the person we all need to be listening to now. It is our privilege and this blog is an offering whether you not or not. You are so loved and eventually, one day, the pain will not be nearly as bad as it is now.

Judy said...

Saundy - you are in my heart and prayers every day. I continue to ache for you in your loss. Praying especially for your family as you make it through this Christmas Season. Praying the Shepherd is especially close during this time of the valley of the shadow. Love you, Judy

Anonymous said...

Saundra, this makes me cry for you. Not that I haven't cried a lot of tears already but this brings them back. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. I wish I could take that away. There haven't been that many times that I've questioned God and said, "Why?!?" but I can definitely say that I have done that about John just as you have. We may never understand why God chose to take him home so soon. We just have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that He will take care of everything here for us - for you. He loves you just as much as he loves John and He is going to take care of you. Keep believing that. I pray for you and your kids every morning and throughout the day as God brings you to my mind - which is a lot on most days. I'm so thankful for the good things that are happening even though it's still so incredibly hard. (I'm going to send you an e-mail in addition to this - make sure you check that if you haven't been. :) ) I love you!

Praying for you always,
Donetta

Anonymous said...

Saundra, it is a part of the the grieving for you to become angry with John and with God, God understands. You, the children and John's parents are in my prayers today and always. Pat

eileenmarie said...

dont loose faith in god. john was one of those great put on this earth and taken from it souly to change the lives around him. god wouldnt have given you such an amazing man if he didnt have a great reason to take him from you. only now do i understand the full meaning of the phrase "god works in mysterious ways" you and your family are in my prayers.

Kristie said...

Saundra, it only makes sense that as the adrenelin and shock of what happened wears off, the anger would set in. And you're right to be angry! You and the kids were cheated and none of us understand why. But I'm pretty sure God has broad shoulders and can take the heat. In fact, I would wager that he welcomes it, as long as it helps you move through the days. Someday we will all understand. Until then, know we are all praying for you and the kids, and the rest of your family.

david b mclaughlin said...

Teaching theology is both a joy and a pain in the butt sometimes. It is hardest when people are in pain. The pretty answers sound the most lame in those times. I learned years ago to tread carefully in those moments giving nice sounding theological answers. I've just about quit doing it at all because they sound so trite.

I think this is why I love the story of Job. He just hurts and hurts and hurts. He questions and yes, even gets mad at God. My favorite part of the whole book is that it keeps saying, "And in this, Job sinned not."

God knows you are hurting and you do not understand. He doesnt expect you to understand. That answer is not satisfactory and I know that. But know that in your hurting and questioning you sin not.

mamaber1313@hotmail.com said...

Saundra, There is not a whole lot I can do to help you, but I would be more than happy to help you address and even write thank you notes if that would help you. Just let me know. Jan Yarbrough
789-4568
740-7839

Anonymous said...

He didn't bring us this far, to leave us.

He didn't teach us to swim, to let us drown.

He didn't build His home in us to move away.

He didn't lift us up to let us down.

There are some promises in a letter - written a long, long time ago.

Their not getting old, their getting better, because He still wants us to know...

He didn't bring us this far, to leave us.

He didn't teach us to swim, to let us drown.

He didn't build His home in us to move away.

He didn't lift us up to let us down.

Never use the word defeat.

Claim His promises - EVERY ONE OF THEM - and every spoken one you hear - because HE STILL WANTS US TO KNOW...

He didn't bring us this far, to leave us.

He didn't teach us to swim, to let us drown.

He didn't build His home in us to move away.

He didn't lift us up to let us down.

Saunie,

Sweet sister, my heart is aching for you tonight. I wish I could turn back time and make this all go away. I love you so much! So many are praying for you. We will not stop! WHATEVER it takes to get you through this we will do.

Love Debbie

Wendyle said...

Saundra- I heard this song and it made me think of you and your family.Here are the lyrics. The song is Not Gonna Let You Down by Building 429.

If you could run
Where would you run to now
Where would you hide
Now that the truth is out
And I know the fear you feel
And I know that this is real

But please don't run from me
Because everyone thinks about it
Please don't run from me now, ooo
I won't leave you
You're never alone
Where ever you go
Please don't run from me now
'Cause I'm not going to let you down

This is the hope
That you've been longing to know
God is alive
And He's never left you alone
So hold on through the tears

And please don't run from me
Because everyone thinks about it
Please don't run from me now, ooo
I won't leave you
You're never alone
Where ever you go
Please don't run from me now

Come back come back to life again
Where we can be forgiven
We're almost home
So don't let go
This is what we've been waiting for
He is the hope that heals the world
We're almost home
So please

Please don't run from me
Because everyone thinks about it
Please don't run from me now, ooo
I won't leave you
You're never alone
Where ever you go
Please don't run from me now

Lift up your soul, soul
Don't you let go, go
Lift up your soul, soul
Never let go

livy said...

Saundra,
I know there's not much I can do to ease your pain.
I know there's nothing I can say that you've haven't heard.
Just know that you are loved, cared about, cherished.
You are never alone, your family, your community, and God love you and are there to help you.
Prayers and definitely Love,
Livy Bicknell