Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Wed Dec 29

As i write this i am listening to the song by Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus" cuz I'm shaking like a leaf. That is how I feel today. Hold me Jesus. fridge is fixed thanks to your loving father. And I would never be offended over something that was meant only for good. Thank you for sharing the dream. Someone once told me that God does use dreams when we really need them. I needed that. Thank you again.

Donetta, I have heard that song. You are right. It is for me. I was also listening to songs from Point of Grace this morning. They are all so good. Those "old" songs as I would call them.

If you have any of the old cd's that you don't use anymore...I would love to have them. I don't have fancy equipment, just a cd player....I am happy with that. But I so want to surround myself with his words of music. I always just listened to KLOVE. But I now know there is so much more out there.

Donetta, remember when we went to that concert at the church...who was that group....that I loved? I can't remember.

Yesterday was lonely. It seemed that all the kids had their own thing to do. I didn't. Cuz the one I did things with is gone. It was just Rach and me. We decided to go go Walmart and return some things. As I was walking to the car, I thought, "Well, this is the way it is going to be from here on out...just me and Rach." Not that I don't love her, or being with her. She is my sweet loving Rachel....but it was so different...I was so lonely...... I can't even explain how I felt. It just wasn't right.

Today I am venturing out. I'm scared. I am going to coffee with Sandy, Karalee and Sallye. I'm scared. I don't know why. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I am afraid to leave the kids alone. Remember where I was when this all began. I still can't go to Panera....we are going to IHOP. But I don't want to....I don't want to. I know I have to if I am going to move on. But I am so afraid. Every time that phone rings I will be so afraid. I can't stand the thought.

Today the kids are going tubing with their cousins. I am sure it will be the same thing for me. Until I see them walk through the door.

I think I am going through some stage of grief. I just can't believe he is gone. That was my last thought before I went to bed last night and the first when I woke. I can't believe he is gone.

Prayer requests....
Contentment for me where God has placed me
Wisdom...especially financial...I am so afraid
Wisdom with the kids
Freedom from fear
That God would cont to work in Matthew's heart, soul, and mind. (I do see a change)
Protection for my children
Hannah running in the 5k. I know it starts at the Route 66 park by Lake Overholser. I haven't got the time yet.
An angel for my children to fill the void that is left.
Isaac, that he will somehow get past having John as his buddy and will accept the one God sends in his another buddy
A hedge of Angel around my house, around me, around each of my children
Jay, Marilyn and they too, come to terms with all that has happened.

Thank you for reading, for you care, concern, prayers...and OH so much more. You are God send...everyone of you.



Kristie said...

Saundra, I'm sure your anxiety about being away from the kids is perfectly normal, given the circumstances. But personally, I'm thrilled to hear they are getting out and doing "regular" things. I understand there is no time limit on grief, and probably not ever a day will come where any of you are "ok" with what has happened .... but I have to believe that the kids getting out with their friends, and going places and doing things, has got to be good for them. At some point, you have to return to sense of normalcy, right? Even if you have to fake it for a while? And hopefully as it happens more and more, you'll begin to relax a bit with it. Just take it day by day .... know the rest of us are holding you up in prayer in the meantime. I don't know what to tell you about today at IHOP. Try not to focus on what is missing, but on what you have ... wonderful, true friends who want to help.

Anonymous said...

Holding you in prayer today. Kristie is so right in everything she said, I know, I too have been through the valley, it takes time, and each person will, I can't say heal as that is not what happens, you place it in God's hands and with each day you gain more strength. It is good that you are getting out, it to will help, even though it is hard with each step. In my thoughts every day, Pat

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm glad you liked the song and were familiar with it. I just love it! Yes, Point of Grace is a good group too! Zoe Girl is the concert we went to. :) That was fun wasn't it. :) Avalon is another good group with good songs. Another really good radio station is The House at 88.5 - it's even local! :) That's what I listen to almost all the time now. I have a bunch of cds - if you want to come go through them and pick a few you are more than welcome to. :)

I hadn't even read this yet when I texted you this morning. Funny how we all thought about getting out with you today. :) I'm so glad you're doing it though. I think it will be really good for you. :)

Still praying for all your needs!!