Well here it is another day. Ever wake up and think....well here we go again...that was my first thought. Will I make it? What does today hold? How does it hold?
God came in a special way to my kids yesterday. You all know that that is my only concern. I will handle anything....do anything for them. They are my concern. But, (at the moment I can't remember their names) but a couple,whose husband works with the FBI here in OKC brought some gifts for my kids. They were so happy.
I hope I mentioned that a few days ago that a family that asked to be anonymous also brought gifts for my kids.
I am so grateful for them. I couldn't shop. Not without John. He and I always went together. I just didn't want to shop for the kids. God did the shopping for me through these Saints who listened to his voice.
I went to the mall for just a short time for a return with Marilyn yesterday. It was good to get out. But my kids were so on my mind. I couldn't wait to see them.
Remember they went to the children's hospital to meet Bob Stupes (sp) and some of the football team. Isaac took a hat and a football to sign, and Rachel took a little bag to sign. I kept texting and calling to see how things were going. They were having the time of their lives. I prayed that if just for a minute they would forget the pain.
When they got home Isaac gave the hat to Matthew. Matthew accepted it with no fanfare,no excitement...it broke my heart. Later, Isaac told me how much fun he had. But he said, "I would have had so much fun with daddy. He would have loved it and laughed with me". My heart broke. Those are the times I ask again....why not just me.....why the kids too???????
Rachel, I should mention had a great time as well. I guess the team put on a funny fashion show and she loved it. If you want to see pictures log onto Allisons Williams facebook. She has the pics on there.
But, while I was at the mall I kept finding myself seeing things and actually looking at things that in my mind I would say "OH! John would love that!" And then I would remember....I don't have him to buy for! Then Sallye and Jeff make me laugh....I remember how they would make John laugh too, he loved their sense of humor...so much like his. But as they make a joke or do something funny, I think..."Oh, wait till John hears this...." then I remember...I don't have him to share it with. It's those things that bring the raw pain back...and I want him back.
Chris, Thanks for the story of Mary. I am reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz. I finished it last night and I am onto my next. But she mentions that also. Not to ask "Why" but "Why not me". What glory can come of this? Something good has to come of this. "Lord, how can I glorify you in this?" Mary didn't hesitate. She went on. While she endured embarrassment etc...I endure pain.....but she did...because she knew her Father.....and she knew that whatever HE did would end in good and for HIS GLORY. I feel like I have a long road to walk, but I am now I want see what good, for my kids and for me, HE has in store for us and for HIM. I just have to keep my eyes on that theory. That is the hard part..especially when my kids hurt so badly.
I appreciate your story of John. I can see him doing that. He was a man of many talents. I remember one man asking his wife (and I'm sorry I can't remember who it was) "Is there anything he can't do". I can answer that. No. He would find away to do whatever needed to be down. Especially when it came to the kids.
He thought so much of Jimmy. I am glad that in the last months he and Jimmy were able to get together and get to know each other again. He loved Jimmy as a brother....always.
Thanks so much for commenting and reading my blog. I want so much to reach out to the rest of the family up there in Michigan. But I just can't yet. Please, send my love....let them know that I in no way have forgotten them. I love them...each one of them. But I feel like I can only do one thing at a time. You know I thought the world of your mom...I am not sure I could get one word out of my mouth to talk to her without crying...and she couldn't understand what I was saying anyway. But, please let them know I love them. And one day....one day I will call and I will talk....and I will tell the story. Thanks so much for reading.
I haven't forgotten my little buddy. The time just hasn't been right. We will have him come sometime in these next few weeks. We are having family...but I know from experience that he would fit right in.....I love him...I love you all.
I love that song by Ray Boltz. I know I have asked for a lot of music. But I am trying to surround myself with HIS truth. If you can get your hands on that music...I would love to have it. You are so right.....that is John through and through.
My prayer request:
Matthew, God, work a miracle in his heart...in his life. I need him to be my helper.
We may be seeing a therapist tonight. Pray for wisdom from her and openess from the kids....AND that Matthew will go.
Safety for my family
Jay, Marilyn, Dawn and Family
A special someone for each of my kids to fill the hole that was left when John left us. Especially Isaac. He wants Matthew to do things with him so much, but he just won't. Help him to find a PAL with someone to help the pain go away. He seems so lost without John. My heart breaks for him.
Thank you. Thank you again for all you do for me with each of your comments. For all you have done for my kids.....for all your prayers.