Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Tue Dec 28

Yesterday was going great. Hannah had went to Basketball practice, Matthew was up and around....though quiet, and Isaac was at Glenn's.

After cleaning the kitchen up, doing some laundry I finally had a chance to sit down. I have a basket that I call my "Grief Basket"...it is full of books, scriptures, letters, etc that you have sent me for encouragement. Then I have a basket full, and I do mean full, of cards that I wanted to sit down and reread. I also wanted to work on my Thank Yous. So, after reading God's word, reading a few pages from a grief book, and a few scriptures from you, I worked on my Thank Yous. I did that for an a couple of hours.

Then I decided that Rach and I would go to the Mall and make some exchanges. While I dreaded going, I know it needed to be done. I asked Matthew if he wanted to go...no. So off we went.

I wasn't in there long until I just wanted to get out. I don't know why, can't pin point it but it just saddened me to be there. We weren't there that long, got our things done and was out.

I should have started this with the fact that every time I walked in the kitchen yesterday morning I would step in a puddle. I was getting mad at Molly (our schnoodle) and beginning to think that she had a bladder problem. Then I realized that it was coming from the fridge. I put a towel down and thought that something was leaking...and went on my business.

Sallye called (she does everyday to check on me!!!!!) and I told her that if Jeff had a chance if he would come by and look at it. Of course he would she said.

So, when I got home from the mall they were just leaving. They came in and said that it was just a button on the freezer part. When I opened the freezer my food was thawed. Eventually it had been that way for a while. But, we thought we had fixed it. But when Jeff looked again he said it wasn't. So, I told that I would call Jay.

Jay in turn called Brad Segard. Bless his heart. He has been here so many times. But, he never says I'll be there when I can.....he comes right away. And he has always fixed the problem. I can't thank him enough. Sure enough he found the problem. Some board in the back was ruined. (funny thing...he was here just last week and fixed the ice maker!) No, that isn't funny ...anymore. My new motto...when it rains it pours at my house!

Luckily, it was cold enough that Jay and I could move the refrigerated stuff to the garage. We salvaged what we hoped would be okay from the thawed food in the freezer...but we lost a lot of it. I was just too afraid to keep it.

Brad will be over to fix it as soon as he get the part. Notice....its not up to him...I am sure he would be here first thing if he could get the part....I am sure. It's when he gets the part. He reminds me a lot of John....he would do all he could to help anyone. Thank you again Brad...you don't know how much I appreciate it.

By then....I thought I couldn't take another step. I didn't mention it to anyone. But i was at the end of my rope. Oh, I know the fridge can be fixed. I'm just weary. Tired. Tired of trying....to be happy, to keep things together....worrying for the kids....to go on....to keep the memories of John from tearing me apart....oh if I named them all you would be weary too.

Then Marilyn called....she knows I still can't sit at our table to eat...and I still have trouble fixing. We have been eating there...bless her heart...I know she is mourning too, yet she takes care of me and my kids. She wanted to know what our plans were for dinner. I just broke. I cried and told her I didn't know. But I was so weary. So tired of it all. She of course invited us over to eat there, but she also knows that the kids want to be home to play their games. She offered so much. I told her I would talk with the kids.

Then I remembered that some Angel had given me some Swadley bucks. That seemed to sound good to my kids taste buds. So, Jay came by and took our orders and went and picked it up. Bless his heart. I feel so badly because I know they are grieving too, yet they take care of us.

I was planning to go over to their house later...but got so involved in my thank yous that it was later than I expected...and I was very tired. So, I got our mattresses out and went to bed.

I feel sad this morning...the way I wake every morning...just waiting to see what today holds. I hope it is something good. I need it.

Thanks for the songs. They are old...but I remember singing them in church. They were both so wonderful.

I don't remember who asked about the time and place Hannah will be running on Jan 1, but I will get the information and post it on here. Brrrrrr, it is going to be cold!!!!! Do they cancel these things because of weather? I wonder. I will get all the info from David Long...he is running with her.d

My prayer requests
Matthew....that God would continue to soften and touch his heart, soul and mind. That he will want to do things with not only Isaac, but with the rest of the family.

Hannah. Again she seems to be doing well. I don't know what she is holding in...if anything. But pray that God do His good work in her. For her protection.

Isaac....That God would continue to heal his little heart. He misses daddy so much. He doesn't say it...but I know it.

Rachel....she seems to be doing pretty well also....just pray that God continue to heal her also.

That God would send an special angel to each of the kids....to fill the void that was left. Someone who can do the things that John did with each of them....that they enjoyed. God send someone.

Me...that God would continue to help me go on. Give me strength. To use the memories as joy and not sadness. To have wisdom for all that I am responsible for...kids, finances, choices....raising the kids...etc.

That God would surround our house with a hedge of Angels. That no evil will enter or prevail.

Thanks for being faithful in reading. I don't feel like I am talking to the computer. Thanks for our comments...they are all so helpful.



Anonymous said...

Good morning Saundra,

I so hoped you had posted early this morning. You have been on my mind so much the past day or two. Figures, when God places people on my heart, it is usually because they need an extra dose of prayer. I have been lifting you up daily.

Seems like the normalicies of life continue on....stuff like a broken fridge is something that can happen anytime, but at the time of weariness seems almost unbearable. Thankful for those angels around your family that are there to help.

I do hope you have a peaceful, uneventful day today. You can continue to call out JESUS and his saving grace will shower over you. Hold on to HIS promises.

I love you,

Alisa said...

I am so glad I ran into you at Walmart last week- You are never far from our thoughts, and still included in our prayers. The "Hiffis" family is never left out of a prayer in this house!

Anonymous said...

You are not alone, I am still reading and praying for you and the family. Keep posting, but on the days that you don't I still will be praying for you all. Love, Pat

Grace Smith said...

Still praying for each member of your family. Praying that God will give you peace and trust to allow him to work in each of your children's lives. Praying for someone that each of them can be themselves with and talk things out or just "be" with.

Saundra, I'm praying that keeping the old memories and traditions alive won't hurt so much. That instead, they make you smile as you think about how talented John was, how much he cared and spent time with his family, and how he made you laugh!

At the same time, I pray that you will be able to make new memories. That even when it hurts and you are exhausted, God will help you to remember those new memories and how John would not want any of you to miss out on all the good things you can hold dear in the years to come.

Blessings to you all,

April McCoy said...


I never post. I usually just read and pray for you and the kids. Last night I had a dream of John. What is weird is I am not a dreamer and nor was I close to John. My parents were friends of you and Johns. Brad Segard is my dad. The dream I had of John was a good one. Only I could see him in the dream. We sat down and talked and I told him everything you were posting in your blogs. I told him about Matthew and Isaac and how hard it was for you to make through each day without him. We talked for awhile and then he told me to tell you that you were doing a great job and you are such a strong woman. He also told me to tell you that he would talk to Matthew. I then woke up, my son needed a bottle but the dream has remained vivid in my head since it happened. I hesitated to tell you for fear of it upsetting you but my mom told me I should. Hoping it is reassurance to you that you are doing a good job. I think its awesome that you pour your heart out on here so we can pray for you. I remember taking care of Matthew and Hannah in the nursery at church and seeing now that they have grown into wonderful people. I hope what I said did not offend you. Praying for you.

April (Segard) McCoy

Anonymous said...

Saundra, there is a song I want you to listen to. Every time I hear it I think of you. Maybe it would be helpful for you?? If you click this link you can play the song. It's called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. It's a beautiful song. :)

Here are the lyrics:
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than just what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I am so glad Donetta posted that song from Kutless. It has meant so much to me recently and every time I hear it I think of you as well. I continue to read your blog, cry with you, and pray for you all daily. I love you and am proud of you for being so strong, even when you do not feel strong! I am praying that God will give you rest tonight and bring you joy tomorrow! Lezli.

Kristie said...

As I go to bed this evening, I am praying for a peaceful day for you tomorrow .... a day where happiness wins out over sorrow even for just a few minutes and brings peace to you and your children, and all your extended family.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure David has told you but Iread on his facebook that they're running at the RT 66 park on west side of Overholser at 9:00 a.m. He said he was wearing his Team G shirt over about 10 layers; it's to be in lower 20's. I'm glad she's going; the fresh air will do them all good, I'm sure, after being housebound for awhile. May the Lord bless you; people understand about the thank you's; don't worry so much about them unless you really want to. Love, Madalyn Long