Sorry I have not been on. Stupid computer of mine. I am using Matthew's laptop which he isn't happy about! But I couldn't stand it anymore....I was about to explode!!!
Saturday turned out to be pretty good. Sandy and I went to the grocery store. I made it! But have you ever went to the store, come home and looked at what you bought and thought "I didn't buy one worthwhile thing". That is kind of what I felt like. I felt like I just went through the store in a daze. But I appreciate Sandy going with me. We kept a conversation going and I think that kept my mind busy. At least I got the Mac and Cheese that Isaac asked for, the frozen pizzas Rach asked for and the hamburgers Matthew asked for!
We went to visit Jay that afternoon....was glad that God found favor in touching him, and giving the doctors wisdom. He is home and well.
Alll but Matthew, and all of Dawn's family went over and decorated their Christmas tree with them. We wanted to help them get that done. Then Marilyn, such a strong woman, bought a little planted Christmas tree to take to the cemetery. We tied red bows to it and planned to take it to the cemetery Sunday.
Upon talking with the kids, Matthew said he wanted nothing to do with it. Isaac said he didn't want to do it. Rach and Hannah and I were planning to do it. Till Sunday. Then I just couldn't bring myself to do itl. When I backed out, Rach and Hannah did as well. Grandma certainly understood. They took it to John themselves. I am sure he is smiling. I am sure it is beautiful. After the season is over, we hope to bring in home and plant it in our yard.
Sunday mornings message really spoke to me. I do mean more to God than the birds of the air. My kids mean more to him than the birds of the air. He has even given me guardian angels to guard over me ....the Siems, the Longs, Rick Martin, and Dave O"Bannon. My church family, the teachers at school, and I could go on and on. He has done his part...I have to do mine. Pray that I will do that....that I will rest in his arms that wait under me.
Richard...I want to thank you for the letter and prayer you brought to me Saturday. It was timed so right. I love prayer and read it to the kids during devotions. WOW! It is my prayer......everyday. Thank you for being so God led in doing that.
Sunday night was hard for me. All the kids were gone. I ended up at Jay and Marilyns. I am just not ready to be here alone. It has John in every corner, in that stupid recliner that He and I were sit in together....or he would snooze and I would just look at him in love. He's in the kitchen fixing me a cup of tea. He's in the shower singing or talking to one of the kids that are standing outside the shower just sharing something. He is outside working on something that needs to be done. He is everywhere. I don't really want to be in this house anymore people. I will just put it out there. It is not my house, it is our house.....the house he and I built....the house we chose everything for.....he even decorated! He is gone...shouldn't this be gone too???? I know you read this and think what does she mean. You can't understand...know one ever will.
We all came home around the same time except Matthew, and had devotions. They were good devotions.
When Matthew did get home I talked to all of them about grief counseling. Everyone was in agreement, except Isaac. He said, "If I am not telling you things I feel, I am not going to tell him." I told him that I was now the head of the household and that I would do anything I felt I needed to do that was best for us. I would also do those things I know God would want me to do.....and those things that I feel daddy and I would agree on. He still is rebelling about it. But I told him we wouldn't do anything until after Christmas anyway. I will face that battle then.
I am feeling a big tear in my heart today. I am having trouble with Matthew. Just teenage things. But like I told him last night.....I don't have any fight in me....do what you want". I just can't fight the battle. I can't.
Today we are back to school. The kids will begin studying for Semester tests. Certainly not looking forward to that.
I am signing up for cox today to help me with my computer problems. AT&T has been messing with me. Pray that all goes well and they give us a good deal.
That I will relinquish my worries and cares to God, and to those that he has placed in my path.
That Isaac will continue to heal in whatever way God can heal him.. That he will begin to accept the idea of counseling.
That the kids will know the things they need to for their tests. That they will do well, so their grade can help the time that they have missed.
That Matthew and i will see eye to eye, that I would gain wisdom in how to deal with him/ and he with me. I don't want to make the wrong choice....I want to do what I think John would want me to do in raising him. But, was always the harsh one.....so pray that I would see things through God's eyes.
BTW....Janet....what a tribute that was to John that you wrote to me. He always told me stories about the lunch room antics. About his stories to you. But he was such a personal guy, I didn't realize how he reflected his personal life at school. I am glad that he was happy and shared that happiness with you all. He truly loved being there with you all. Thanks for sharing that with me. It did make me smile!!!!
I don't want to forget the two ladies and a daughter that took Rach shopping yesterday for her siblings. She was so excited. Thanks for getting her out of the house and making it possible for her to do that. She does love shopping for them. Thank you, thank you. God will bless you!!!!!