Monday, December 14, 2009

Monday 13,....or is it the 14th already????

Sorry I have not been on. Stupid computer of mine. I am using Matthew's laptop which he isn't happy about! But I couldn't stand it anymore....I was about to explode!!!

Saturday turned out to be pretty good. Sandy and I went to the grocery store. I made it! But have you ever went to the store, come home and looked at what you bought and thought "I didn't buy one worthwhile thing". That is kind of what I felt like. I felt like I just went through the store in a daze. But I appreciate Sandy going with me. We kept a conversation going and I think that kept my mind busy. At least I got the Mac and Cheese that Isaac asked for, the frozen pizzas Rach asked for and the hamburgers Matthew asked for!

We went to visit Jay that afternoon....was glad that God found favor in touching him, and giving the doctors wisdom. He is home and well.

Alll but Matthew, and all of Dawn's family went over and decorated their Christmas tree with them. We wanted to help them get that done. Then Marilyn, such a strong woman, bought a little planted Christmas tree to take to the cemetery. We tied red bows to it and planned to take it to the cemetery Sunday.

Upon talking with the kids, Matthew said he wanted nothing to do with it. Isaac said he didn't want to do it. Rach and Hannah and I were planning to do it. Till Sunday. Then I just couldn't bring myself to do itl. When I backed out, Rach and Hannah did as well. Grandma certainly understood. They took it to John themselves. I am sure he is smiling. I am sure it is beautiful. After the season is over, we hope to bring in home and plant it in our yard.

Sunday mornings message really spoke to me. I do mean more to God than the birds of the air. My kids mean more to him than the birds of the air. He has even given me guardian angels to guard over me ....the Siems, the Longs, Rick Martin, and Dave O"Bannon. My church family, the teachers at school, and I could go on and on. He has done his part...I have to do mine. Pray that I will do that....that I will rest in his arms that wait under me.

Richard...I want to thank you for the letter and prayer you brought to me Saturday. It was timed so right. I love prayer and read it to the kids during devotions. WOW! It is my prayer......everyday. Thank you for being so God led in doing that.

Sunday night was hard for me. All the kids were gone. I ended up at Jay and Marilyns. I am just not ready to be here alone. It has John in every corner, in that stupid recliner that He and I were sit in together....or he would snooze and I would just look at him in love. He's in the kitchen fixing me a cup of tea. He's in the shower singing or talking to one of the kids that are standing outside the shower just sharing something. He is outside working on something that needs to be done. He is everywhere. I don't really want to be in this house anymore people. I will just put it out there. It is not my house, it is our house.....the house he and I built....the house we chose everything for.....he even decorated! He is gone...shouldn't this be gone too???? I know you read this and think what does she mean. You can't understand...know one ever will.

We all came home around the same time except Matthew, and had devotions. They were good devotions.

When Matthew did get home I talked to all of them about grief counseling. Everyone was in agreement, except Isaac. He said, "If I am not telling you things I feel, I am not going to tell him." I told him that I was now the head of the household and that I would do anything I felt I needed to do that was best for us. I would also do those things I know God would want me to do.....and those things that I feel daddy and I would agree on. He still is rebelling about it. But I told him we wouldn't do anything until after Christmas anyway. I will face that battle then.

I am feeling a big tear in my heart today. I am having trouble with Matthew. Just teenage things. But like I told him last night.....I don't have any fight in what you want". I just can't fight the battle. I can't.
Today we are back to school. The kids will begin studying for Semester tests. Certainly not looking forward to that.

Prayer requests:
I am signing up for cox today to help me with my computer problems. AT&T has been messing with me. Pray that all goes well and they give us a good deal.

That I will relinquish my worries and cares to God, and to those that he has placed in my path.

That Isaac will continue to heal in whatever way God can heal him.. That he will begin to accept the idea of counseling.

That the kids will know the things they need to for their tests. That they will do well, so their grade can help the time that they have missed.

That Matthew and i will see eye to eye, that I would gain wisdom in how to deal with him/ and he with me. I don't want to make the wrong choice....I want to do what I think John would want me to do in raising him. But, was always the harsh pray that I would see things through God's eyes.

BTW....Janet....what a tribute that was to John that you wrote to me. He always told me stories about the lunch room antics. About his stories to you. But he was such a personal guy, I didn't realize how he reflected his personal life at school. I am glad that he was happy and shared that happiness with you all. He truly loved being there with you all. Thanks for sharing that with me. It did make me smile!!!!

I don't want to forget the two ladies and a daughter that took Rach shopping yesterday for her siblings. She was so excited. Thanks for getting her out of the house and making it possible for her to do that. She does love shopping for them. Thank you, thank you. God will bless you!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I am here reading every day and praying every day. I wish that I could take the hurt away. Even though it may not feel like it, you're doing a great job moving forward every day. It will be painful for awhile but it will slowly get better. We learned that when James's dad died. It never goes away but it does get better. Just keep putting your faith and trust in God!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Reading your heart everyday, there is always someone that has the right thing to say or post in the comments after, but something that hit me is a feeling you will inevitably have....One day, (I promise it will happen) you WILL have a good day, then they(good days) will happen more and more. BUT whatever you do...DO NOT start feeling guilty about feeling good, or having a good day, or even dwelling on John's good memories, that guilt is from the Devil. Trust me, slowly the tide will turn, the days will be better, and the thoughts not so tormenting, but don't let the ole Devil take the Joy away that you feel...EVER! God is a God of Love and compassion, not of guilt and regrets. Embrace the good times you have and rebuke the bad. Still Praying...(For Jay too, tell him Jeff Adams is lifting him up!) Godbless,Jeff

Anonymous said...

Saundra - It is the 14th. :) I know because I had to ask myself that same question....and it has been 11 months since I lost my husband.

I am praying for you. I am so very sorry anyone else has to grieve the loss of their husband, father of their children and their best friend.

Kristie said...

Saundra, just know that I am thinking of you today, and praying for you and the kids.

Anonymous said...

I prayed for you and your children today. I don't know you personally, but the Lord keeps placing you and your family on my heart. I pray each day for you and each of your children by name. I pray the Lord will give you exactly what you need to get through each day and night.


Sister Chris said...

My dear sister, You have a gift for expressing your feelings in a beautiful way. So articulate and from a depth that is deep inside you. It gives me hope. You may not feel it or think you express it, but there is a hope that shimmers every once in a while in your blog.

Your feelings will be like the tide that ebbs and flows in its time, but it can only go as far as the boundary God has set for it. You may feel like you are going to crash against the rocks or be carried out to sea, but God has the say. God lets the ebbs and flow of grief come for our good, it is for our health. It is not good to keep it inside.

David's Psalms had such depth of emotion, from highest praises to the pit that seemed bottomless.

Psalm 55:16-18,22,23b "As for me, I shall call upon God, and the Lord will save me, Evening and morning and at noon I will complain and murmur, and He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me, for they are many who strive against me (grief, anger, dispair, hopelessness...). God will hear and answer them-even the one who sits enthroned from of old-with whom there is no change. Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. But I will trust in Thee."

David knew he could rant and rage at the Lord because despite of his feeling and emotions, he has a firm foundation in the Lord. He knew that God would never get mad at him expressing these to Him. He knew that God would never tell him to get his act together and then He would come back to help him. God would never say "You shouln't feel that way". We read this Psalm in a nice voice, but Davis was screaming it, he was in dispair. Yet in it all he trusted God and knew he would come out on the other side of it all.

What does David say at the end, "But I will trust in Thee."

God is big enough to let you express your emotions in an honest, raw way. He is big enough to handle your feelings. He will hold you tenderly and speak quiet words to you of comfort and hope. It will come through His words to your heart, His word, friends. God has a million ways to reach out to us.

Find comfort in all of this, even in the questions, anger, and dispair.

Love, Chris

Jeannie Jenkins said...


If you'd like to join our online group at any time, please do so. We are a group of ladies who are young widows, raising our children but a few of us do not have children. Our group is private, so please get in touch and we can email.

Anonymous said...

Proverbs 3:25

King James ~ "Do not be afraid of sudden terror..."

NIV ~ "Have no fear of sudden disaster..."

The Message ~ "Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life; don't for a minute lose sight of them. They'll keep your soul alive and well, they'll keep you fit and attractive.
You'll travel safely, you'll neither tire nor trip. You'll take afternoon naps without a worry, you'll enjoy a good night's sleep.
No need to panic over alarms or surprises,or predictions that doomsday's just around the corner,
Because God will be right there with you;he'll keep you safe and sound."

Easier said than done, but I thought that was an encouraging word from the Word itself. :) The Lord led me to this verse when I read your blog for the first time the other day and I had never seen that verse in the Bible before!

I also like this one...Psalm 121:8 "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

I know it is hard to trust these words above but I think the trust will come more easily with time and as you meditate on God's words, as you have already mentioned you are doing. Hope these verses are some encouragement to you even though you have probably heard them before.

tammy said...

Your in my thoughts and Prayers. If you need a place to stay or hang out for awhile... my door is open.. Love ya mendez

Kristie said...

Hey, saw the Cox van in front of your house for quite a long time yesterday .... hope they got you fixed up and you have NO computer problems from this point on!!