Monday, December 28, 2009

Mon Dec 27

Thank you for all your prayers. It seems they were answered. Yes, we made it through Christmas, my family arrived here and back home safely.

Yesterday was a day of reflection for me. Nothing going on....just kind of quiet. The girls watching a movie on t.v. Matthew in his room. Isaac in his room with Glenn Adams. So that left me alone.

It seemed as though everything I did reminded me of John. I sat in "his recliner" and looked up some things on Ebay. Then I read some grief books, which I want to thank each of you that have shared them with me. It seems that in every book God has a new bit of help for me. Then I just leaned my chair back and thought. Probably not a really good thing to do because it brought tears, but I just reflected on John, and what a wonderful man he really was.

There was an awesome article in The Bethany Tribune this week. Sallye put that together. It was a great tribute to John. My prayer is that he is never forgotten. That his legacy WILL live on because each life he touched will touch another, and that one will touch another, and on it will go.....because of God's Grace in John's life.

Matthew is changing so don't quit praying! We thought he had his work done for OWU that they would release him. But evidently, the teachers were slow in getting the work to the Office of Student Development. So last week we got a lengthy email with all this work that he has 5 weeks to complete, or he gets an Incomplete or an "F". I was so scared to bring it up to him. But I finally did, he took it without emotion.

But, I have been afraid that he would put it off. But yesterday he yelled out to me that he had finished his Lit work! I couldn't believe it! So, I went in and he sure had....and then he told me that for the next 4 days he has it all scheduled to get it finished!!!!! I told him how proud and happy I was that he had taken it into his own hands to get it done!!!!

Plus, he seems different. I can't put my finger on it, but he seems different. He still has that teenage attitude, but he is different. For instance, he is not happy about having to drive the Saturn. He wants to always drive my Explorer. So, a lot of times I give in because I am afraid of an argument. Even though I want my Explorer. But if it will save an argument, I will do it.

Hannah is doing alright. David Long asked her to run in a 5K on Jan. 1. She couldn't give him an answer. I knew why. It didn't have anything to do with not having had everything to do with daddy not being there to cheer her on and see her at the finish line. But yesterday she asked me to tell David that she would run in it. I am so proud of her. I know she will do fine. I just need to get her some warm running gear! She doesn't have much fat to keep her warm as it is!!!!!

Isaac is doing okay. He is too busy playing with his PS3 that God's Angels gave him for Christmas. He loves it.

Rachel is doing okay. She has her moments when she will crawl up on my lap and just be quiet or even cry a little bit. She misses those moments with John.

The girls did go out and build a snowman yesterday. I was glad that Hannah went out with Rach to do that. They had fun doing it.

I am scared for Monday to come. I am afraid of school, for me and the kids. I am afraid. I don't know why. I don't want it to come.

I still have a hard time letting the kids go places. They seem like it is know big deal....but I want them here with I know where and what they are doing.

I don't know what today holds. I don't even know what I am going to do. I kind of wish the snow would go away so I wouldn't feel so guilty about not going out and playing in the snow like John did. After the first snow John would always go out and collect snow and make snow cream. I was sick yesterday when I realized that I hadn't made any (didn't know how). The kids hadn't even asked. I know it was because they knew I couldn't. But when we went to Marilyn's, Dawn had made some and brought some over. Marilyn had it in the freezer. The kids loved it. So, I am going to make some for the kids. I know it won't be like John's. He made such a big event about it.......

My prayer requests
That my heart would heal, that my pain would ease
That God grant me wisdom, in all I do, all I say, and as I read his word and the books I have received. Wisdom in financial matters.
Wisdom with my children...helping them in the way God knows is best
That God will send a special person to each of my children that they will be able to talk to.....basically, I want God to fill that HOLE that the death of John has left. Doing things with them. With Matthew that would be mentor, someone he can talk with about golf....go golfing a golf buddy. For Hannah that would be to cheer her on, train her, be at the half way mark, be at the finish line to hug her. For Isaac, that would be someone to play catch with, go to the store with, hang with....just be with. Go do little jobs on things with.....For Rach, date with, hug a lot.....teach her softball...she wants to play so bad next year. John was going to teach her how to pitch...that was her goal. She is going to start track next year...someone to help her there.

I know I can do most of these things and I intend to try. But I want someone that they can call their own....that one SPECIAL person.

I am still working on Thank Yous. I just want you to know that I appreciate all of you have done. I want to thank all you personally, and I intend to, but it will take a while. So, please will be coming. And if I forget someone..please, please forgive me.


Also, I want to thank you all for the music. It is so soothing to my heart and soul. It is like some songs know right where I am...and it is medicine to me. Thank you again.


Anonymous said...

Saundra, John will not be forgotten and his desire to influence kids' lives will live on as his legacy. All of us parents whose kids have spent time with him are witnesses to that.

WOW! The picture in the Tribune -- that was a lot of G shirts! Very cool and great article by Sallye. I was at the mall before Christmas wearing my G shirt and saw a total stranger wearing one too...we just smiled at one another and went on. It was like a little secret we had.

I continue to pray for you and your family daily. We were with Jeff's family over Christmas and my sweet sis-in-laws said they will pray for you. My friend, Shelley Spearman (maiden name, Watson-went to SNU), holds you up in prayer as well. I'm telling you this so that you will hopefully feel some comfort in knowing how widespread the prayer going up for you are.

We love you!
-Becky C

Kristie said...

Saundra, I saw that article and photo in the Tribune as well ... how wonderful it was. :)

You know, maybe you should not feel bad that there are certain things you cannot do "like" John .... snow cream, for example. If everyone could do it, it wouldn't be "his" special thing. Maybe instead you can think of it as special gifts he had, that he shared with all of you, and special memories you made from them. Perhaps thats a simplistic way of looking at things, but I would think that his gifts are what made HIM special, and of course nobody can replicate them .... I don't know ... just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you continue to inspire me. I got a little bad news at work today and was feeling a little down, I read your blog and I see the courage that you are exibiting and it brings a tear to my eye. And somehow lifts me up. I praise God for the progress in Mathew and I also pray for the helpers to continue to be there for your children. Noone, not even you will ever take Johns place, and that is a great thing, because if anyone could then he would not have been a "special" person. God is working in the midst of all of this I can see it from what you write. Having FAITH in the midst of a storm is something we choose to do, not something we feel. I pray that you can continue to have that faith even when you feel alone, or sad or discouraged, for the knowledge that, we will make it through adversity with God's help, is comforting. Stay Strong. Godbless, Jeff-Enid

Anonymous said...

Saundra, as I read your note this am, the song below keep ringing in my ear. It's okay to live one day at a time...try not to think in the future, such as school starting, etc. God knows the future and He's going to take care of it. You've done a remarkable job of getting you and your kiddos through the hardest holiday of all. You are a stronger woman than you know. I pray God will continue to walk beside you, touch your children, speak to them through others. I pray God will send that special person to each one of your children, not to fill the hole John one can do that. God will eventually fill that hole. They need someone, as you said, to mentor, show an interest in their interest.

So glad Matthew seems to be softening. Will continue to pray for him and for Issac. Well, I'll pray for all of the you.

"I don't know
About tomorrow
I just live from day to day
And I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to gray
And I don't worry about my future
For I know what Jesus said
And today He walks beside me
For He knows what lies ahead
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand"

You are loved and prayed for every day.

Jadean Murray

Anonymous said...

Saundra, I'm so glad to hear the encouraging news about Matthew! That's so exciting. I pray that he really is able to finish that school work in the next few days. That will probably be a huge burden lifted from both of you. :)

Continuing to pray,

Anonymous said...

Holidays are an emotional time, and it sounds like you guys have made it through. Thought about and prayed for you all during that time. Read your blog faithfully every day. You and your family are an inspiration to me. When you get a moment, could you post where and what time Hannah's 5k is?

Rebecca said...


This morning you were again on my mind. I prayed specifically for God to give me something to share with you today...

Of all the songs I've sung in my life (and being a NAZ PK provided more than I can say...), the one below written by Don Moen continues to bless me over and over. I pray today these sweet lyrics bring you a measure of peace.

Love to you~



God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.
By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

tammy said...

Saundra Im still holding you up in my prayers daily. I am Thankful that the kids are getting somewhat better and so glad to read that your family was there with you for christmas. I know it did help you having them there. Dont be scared for asking for help. Its ok. There is so many who want to help and they dont know how unless you ask. You are so loved Saundra, please dont forget that.!!

Ramos said...

We well NEVER stop praying for you guys,we all well allways be there for you guys,no matter what.
May god bless you and your familly.